Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Zipper Accidents (25 page)

When the intermission finally came, Dahl drove a Jeep around the field as the crowd chanted “Disco sucks!” Then Dahl used dynamite to detonate crates full of more than 1,000 disco records. The explosion ripped a giant hole in the turf and sent vinyl everywhere. Players fled into the dugouts while fans jumped the fences and further vandalized the field, stealing bases and toppling a batting cage. The White Sox had to forfeit the second game.

A
mong the biggest pop-culture crazes of the early ’90s were theme restaurant chains, like the rock music–themed Hard Rock Café and the movie-themed Planet Hollywood. Both of those eateries are still around, but not at the peak of where they were 20 years ago. The 1990s were also the time of the model as celebrity— “supermodels” such as Cindy Crawford and Linda Evangelista were the epitome of glamour and success. The Fashion Café is where these two fads came together.

The Fashion Café was the misguided brainchild of Tommaso Buti and his brother Francesco, Italian entrepreneurs who moved to New York City in the early ’90s. After making connections in the fashion industry and developing friendships with Hollywood stars like Kevin Costner, the Butis tried to cash in on both the popularity of theme restaurants and the supermodel craze. The Butis convinced supermodels Elle MacPherson, Claudia Schiffer, Naomi Campbell, and Christy Turlington to come on board. The models agreed to make public appearances to promote the Fashion Café in exchange for big paychecks and a percentage of the profits if the enterprise was a success. With their names attached, attracting investors wasn’t a problem.

The first Fashion Café, located in Manhattan’s Rockefeller Center, opened its doors in 1995, and plans were already under way for a second location in London. The New York grand opening was a star-studded event that captured headlines around the world. But mediocre reviews, a lack of repeat business, and weird events like fashion shows featuring unknown models strutting around in pajamas didn’t bode well for the franchise’s future. While the Butis opened additional locations in the UK, South Africa, Mexico, and Spain, they quickly took on serious debts. There was simply no escaping the fact that the chain was doomed to failure—not to mention the irony of the restaurant’s fare of cheeseburgers and steaks pitched by representatives of the fashion industry, synonymous with an aversion to food.

In 1998 tax agents began sniffing around the New York location’s financial records, and utility companies and others began hounding the Butis for late payments. Meanwhile, Turlington and Schiffer pulled out, publicly blaming old vendettas with Campbell. While their empire crumbled, the Buti brothers developed a taste for the high life. Tommaso moved into a $25,000-a-month apartment and threw himself an elaborate birthday party at a Manhattan hot spot. The duo also began digging into the Café’s coffers, spending tons of money on fancy cars and other luxuries. They even managed to ring up $132,000 in cell phone bills, all on the chain’s dime. With investors fuming and bill collectors circling the now-closed flagship in New York, Tommaso resigned as CEO in September 1998. In December 2000, the federal government filed 51 charges against the Butis for fraud and other crimes. Tommaso was later arrested in Italy, and his brother went on the run. All told, the Butis reportedly stole over $12 million from their investors.

TWO CIVIC GOOFS

•
  
In the 1990s, Cleveland had a labor contract with its transit workers that called for any train driver who was fired to be rehired as a bus driver. In 1991 Lynne Herron got a job as a Cleveland bus driver after she caused an accident that injured 14 people during her old job as a train driver. The crash was caused by a disengaged safety system, which had been purposely disengaged…by Herron.

•
  
To save money in 1974, the city council of Bramber, England, voted to shut off their streetlights for three days. The experiment saved Bramber £11.59 in electricity costs. However, the city spent £18.48 on a shutoff fee, then another £12 to turn the lights on. Final tally: It
cost
Bramber £18.89 to go without streetlights.

S
helley Long
was virtually unknown when she was cast as intellectual barmaid Diane Chambers on
Cheers
in 1982. The show went on to become a huge hit, and Long won an Emmy. She balanced her
Cheers
shooting schedule with starring roles in a string of hit films, including
Outrageous Fortune
and
The Money Pit
. In 1987 Long left
Cheers
to focus solely on movies.
Cheers
replaced her with a new character, bar manager Rebecca Howe, portrayed by Kirstie Alley. With Alley,
Cheers
became the #1 show on TV. Long’s movie career never quite jelled. (Remember
The Boyfriend School
?
Frozen Assets
?) Long later returned to TV with a string of made-for-TV movies and short-lived sitcoms in the 1990s. Her most prominent role in recent years has been a recurring role on
Modern Family
…a TV show.

David Caruso
got the role of a lifetime when he was cast as a detective on
NYPD Blue
, a police drama that debuted in 1993 and was created by Stephen Bochco (
L.A. Law, Hill Street Blues
). The show was critically acclaimed, although most of that praise was for Caruso’s co-star, Dennis Franz. Nevertheless, after just one season, Caruso left the show for a movie career. In 1995 two Caruso movies materialized:
Jade
, an erotic crime drama, and
Kiss of Death
, also an erotic crime drama. Both
bombed at the box office. Caruso was stuck—his movies tanked so hard that he couldn’t get any more roles, nor could he get TV work because in order to get off of
NYPD Blue
, he’d signed an agreement prohibiting him from working in TV until 1997. Caruso stayed unemployed until CBS hired him for the short-lived drama
Michael Hayes
. (Happy ending: He starred on
CSI: Miami
from 2002 to 2012.)

Jeff Conaway
started out as a movie star—his breakthrough role was as Kenickie in 1978’s
Grease
. He then moved to TV to portray Bobby, a struggling actor who works as a cabbie on
Taxi
. After three seasons, Conaway was fired from the show because of a drug problem. Conaway thought he’d restart his film career…but it didn’t work out. He didn’t get cast in a single movie for two years. In 1983 he returned to TV in the fantasy series
Wizards and Warriors
, which was canceled after two episodes. Conaway acted in films sporadically after that, but returned to TV in 2006… as a participant on VH1’s
Celebrity Fit Club
, but he dropped out because of his drug addiction; he then sought help on VH1’s
Celebrity Rehab
. Sadly, Conaway died from an assortment of health problems in 2011 at age 60.

S
hould I remove the plastic wrap before I cook my turkey?

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The family dog is inside the turkey and can’t get out.

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I need to drive two hours with my frozen turkey before I cook it. Will it stay frozen if I tie it to the luggage rack on the roof of my car?

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Does the turkey go in the oven feet first, or head first?

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Can I baste my turkey with suntan lotion?

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I scrubbed my raw turkey with a toothbrush dipped in bleach for three hours. Is that enough to kill all the harmful bacteria?

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I didn’t want to cook the whole turkey, so I cut it in half with a chainsaw. How do I get the chainsaw oil out of the turkey?

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How long does it take to cook a turkey if I leave the oven door open the entire time? That was how my mom always did it.

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How do I prepare a turkey for vegetarians?

K
ing Charles VI of France spent much of his reign struggling to maintain his sanity. He suffered from “bouts of madness,” during which he became convinced he was made of glass. He also had a nasty habit of forgetting his own name and running amok through the halls of his Parisian residence. (Historians now believe he had paranoid schizophrenia.) His mental health issues contributed to bitter power struggles within the French government. But before all that there was the Bal des Ardents (“The Ball of the Burning Men”).

In 1393 Charles decided to host a masquerade ball to celebrate the third wedding of a widow named Catherine de Fastaverin, one of his queen’s ladies-in-waiting. The gala was scheduled for the night of January 28 at the Hotel Saint-Pol, the royal residence. Back then, the weddings of widows were cause for wild parties involving loud music, lavish costumes, and silly shenanigans. So for this occasion, Huguet de Guisay, a nobleman with a reputation for being a colossal jerk, came up with a plan to prank Catherine.

He convinced Charles and five of his knights to dress up as masked “wild men” in disguises made out of wood, resin, and weeds. The participants knew the costumes were highly flammable, so
plans were made ahead of time to extinguish all the torches in the hall where the party was held. At the designated moment, the lights went out and the pranksters burst in, shouting obscenities, howling, and dancing frantically. Five of the wild men were chained together.

Everyone was having a blast until the Duke of Orléans, Charles’s brother, showed up late, drunk as a skunk, and carrying a lit torch. According to one account, he held his torch over one of the chained pranksters’ heads while trying to figure out the man’s identity. Then a spark fell, setting his costume ablaze. Chaos ensued as the fire spread from one wild man to another. They cried out in pain as the costumes of other partygoers burst into flames. Everyone stormed the exits, running for their lives.

The king was saved by the quick intervention of the Duchess of Berry, who threw her huge skirt over his body to protect him from flying sparks. The only other prankster who survived was the Sieur de Nantouillet, who jumped into a vat of wine and hid there until the fire was extinguished. Several more attendees later succumbed to burns and other injuries. Huguet, the mastermind of the prank, died a few days later, reportedly badmouthing his fellow conspirators until his final breath.