Uncertain (13 page)

I swallowed hard and saw that my shirt was ripped on the sleeve. For some reason, this made what had happened more real, and I felt sad as I tried to collect the pieces together.

“Marco came in the bathroom,” I said, concentrating on the foam on the surface of the water.

Kevin’s face changed. “
No
.” He became visibly frustrated and began to look around, horrified. “Oh my God, what did he
do
?” Kevin shot looks around the beach, making sure Marco wasn’t near us. He looked in the water at all the people swimming.

“He tried to put something in my mouth. Like a pill or a powder or something, I couldn’t tell.”

“That piece of crap. Wait, did he get any in your mouth?  Do we need to get you to the hospital?”

“No, no. He didn’t.”

“We should make a police report, right?”

“No. I don’t think so,” I said, firmly.

Kevin stepped closer and cupped his hand, bent down and brought ocean water to my chin, rubbing it clean with his thumb. Then he hugged me and stood there for a few minutes, letting the waves rock us every few seconds. He was super warm and smelled a little like coconut and sweat.

“Mel?”

“Yeah.” My voice sounded muffled.

“I love you.”

“I love you too, Kev.”

He held onto me for another moment. “Wait,” he said. He stopped hugging me and held me away from him with his arms. “Where is he now?”

“I don’t know,” I said, looking around. “He was still in the bathroom, on the floor. I left. He’s probably not getting up for a while.” I shuddered when I replayed the cracking sound when I kicked his knee.

“Let’s head back. We’ll head to the airport tonight instead of tomorrow morning. We’ll get an earlier flight or sleep there so we can get the hell home. Let’s go to the hotel and just get our stuff. We should really get out of here,” Kevin said in a rush.

“No.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m not going to cower. I want to go back to the hotel room. I want to have a good night. I’m not going to change our plans.”

“Are you sure? We don’t know anything about this guy.”

I nodded. “I’m super sure.”

“OK,” he said, lifting his tone at the end. I could tell that he was unconvinced.

We walked back to the hotel as quickly as we could. Although I didn’t want to hide from Marco, I didn’t want to advertise either.

We took showers and put on our souvenir shirts from the flea market and ate the food that Isa had packed for us. After we watched a couple of movies, Kevin turned the TV off, and we lay there quietly in the dark. It was just after 1 a.m.

“Are you ready to go to sleep?” Kevin asked.

“I dunno. It’s late, so I should be.”

“Kind of hard to sleep.”

“Yeah.”

We were quiet for a few minutes. I was staring at the popcorn ceiling. “Do you know that your mother uses a fork to stir hot chocolate?” I asked him.

He laughed. “Yeah, she says it does a better job. She overthinks everything.” I could hear a smile in his voice. “Hey, do you think that Marco is related to why we came here? For Drina?”

I turned my head toward Kevin. “I guess I do. I hadn’t thought of that until now, but it does make sense.”

“I don’t understand why though,” he said.

“I don’t either,” I whispered.

I started to try to think it through, but I didn’t feel like doing it now. I shoved the thought someplace back in my head and focused on the hum and rattle of the air conditioner.

“Well, good night.”

“Good night,” I said, after a little delay. I felt uncomfortable at the idea that Marco had something to do with Drina, but I didn’t want to process it. She was so close by.

I lay there in the darkness, wondering if I should open the window to try to hear the ocean. To see if that sound would help me sleep. I heard the bed creak and I heard Kevin walking. I figured he was going to the bathroom, but he stopped next to my bed.

“Would you be weirded out if I slept in your bed?”

I lifted up the covers instantly.

He laughed a little.

We didn’t touch at all. Kevin kissed me on my head, and I could feel his warmth next to me. It made me feel instantly safe and happy. I fell quickly to sleep.

We were early for the flight so we sat in some seats facing the airport windows while we waited. Kevin bought a magazine and some gum, and I just listened to music, staring out the window.

I kept wondering if Marco had anything to do with Drina. Each time, I’d try to distract myself because I knew I wouldn’t have an answer. I didn’t feel like wasting a second of brain power on questions that couldn’t be answered—but I did wonder.

We got up to get in line for the plane and spotted Ben walking toward us.

“Hey! It’s Ben from the bar,” I said to him.

“If I had a nickel…” Ben said, smiling.

“Are you on this plane?” I asked.

“Yeah, my fiancé is in the bathroom again. We can’t wait to get home. No more international culture for us.”

“That’s so funny that you’re on the same plane,” I said.

“I know, totally ironic,” Ben said.

“You live near Detroit?” I asked.

“No, Cleveland. Detroit is a layover for us.”

“Are you guys in Detroit?” he asked me and Kevin. Kevin was just standing silently.

“We’re about half-an-hour north.” I said, nodding.

“Nice,” he said.

“What city do you live in? Maybe I’ll look you up when I come to town,” Ben said.

“Yeah? You go to Detroit often?” Kevin asked in a mix of anxiety and aggression. His posture changed slightly. I couldn’t help but wonder what his deal was now.

“Not a ton, but once in a while,” Ben said, hiking his bag back up over his shoulder.

Kevin put his hand on my back. “Oh—we’re boarding. We’re like way in the back of the plane. Take care, Ben,” he said, putting his hand out to shake Ben’s.

Ben nodded and shook it. “Take care.” He held an open hand up to me, to wave.

We walked over to the line. “Are we really boarding now?” I said to Kevin.

“Close enough. They’ll let us on.”

“What was that about?”

“I don’t know. I’m just edgy. I’ll just be glad to get home.”

He looked at his watch. “Do you realize what day it is?”

“It’s Saturday, right?”

“Yeah, but it’s December 24th.”

I groaned. “Christmas Eve.” I had totally forgotten.

Christmas was quiet. My grampa and I went to a neighbor’s house for Christmas Day dinner. A little while after dinner, we came home to watch TV. I’d stopped with Kevin on the way home from the airport to get my grampa something for Christmas. I found a sporting goods store so I bought him one of those Russian-style winter hats with the fur-like fabric inside and the optional earflaps. He was really excited about it, although I think I could’ve wrapped up a pair of my old shoes and he’d have acted happy.

He gave me a pale-blue fleece jacket that I already loved and didn’t want to take off. He also got me a smoothie maker, where you make them right in the cup that you use to drink from. We bought fruits like crazy in the days after Christmas, trying all kinds of concoctions.

Every year at some point in December, Vita would host her Happy Merry party. This year she was holding it on December 27
th
. My grampa and I were both invited, and I absolutely didn’t want to go.

              I decided that I’d unpack my bag from the trip to Mexico. I had been avoiding unpacking for some reason. I had been lying in bed, but I sat up and walked over to the other side of my long, yellow room and over to the chair where I’d set the small bag. I stopped to look out the window and noticed that it had snowed an inch or two.

A violet cast showed up on the snow, so I knew it was early. I was annoyed with myself for not being able to sleep, but I had been up worrying about going to this stupid party in the evening. I always had a pretty good time, so I didn’t know why I felt so reluctant to go—but I just wanted to do nothing at all.

There was a knock at the door.

“Come in,” I called.

“Hey, hon,” my grampa said, opening the door with a creak. He held a cup of coffee in his hand.

“Hey.”

“Got a question for ‘ya.”

“OK.”

“This yellow,” he said nodding at the wall nearest the door. “It’s been the color of this room for ‘bout 20 years.” He took a sip of his coffee. “I’d like you to feel like it’s your room now, so I wondered what you thought of me painting it for you. I was going to do it when you were out of town, but I wanted to make sure it was something you wanted.”

“Oh. Ummmm…” I said looking around. I wasn’t really sure.

He smiled at me. “I think you and I get attached to gramma’s choices.”

I smiled. “Yeah, that’s probably true.”

“Well, just give it some thought. I’m happy to do it for you if you choose a color. Maybe we can get these pictures out of here, too, if you like.” He lifted his coffee cup to point at the picture of my uncle’s wedding and my parents’ wedding. “Put some newer pictures up, some things that make you happy.”

He was worried about my happiness. That might be where this was coming from.

“OK, I’ll think about it. Thanks.”

“Who is that a picture of?” he asked me, looking at what I was holding. He walked over to me and put his hand out.

“Oh.” I was caught off guard. I handed him the picture the woman in Mexico had given me of her aunt who needed healing. The photo was pretty wrinkled from being tossed around in my bag. “It’s a woman in Mexico. Well, I mean a woman in Mexico gave it to me.”

He made a funny face. “Kind of strange, but OK. She looks like a nice lady.” He handed it back. “I’m a little surprised that you made it for four days in Mexico with just that little bag. Seems like maybe you take after your dad more than your mother.”

“Yeah, I guess I underpacked.”

He laughed. “Long as you had a nice time.”

I nodded.

He started to walk away and turned back to me “Hot there?”

“Yeah, mid-80s.”

“That’d be nice right about now.”

I nodded.

“Still thinking of going later?” he asked me. “To Kevin’s mother’s party?”

“I dunno,” I said, moving to sit on the spare bed. “I kinda don’t feel like it.”

“Is it anything Kevin did?” he asked me. He set his cup down on the dresser by the doorway and crossed his arms across his plaid flannel shirt.

“Oh, no. Not at all.”

“OK. Just not sure you’re up to it?”

“Yeah. But I’ll probably go.”

“Well, let me know what you decide. I’m not sure if I should go,” he said, hesitation in his voice.

I didn’t want to mess up his night. I was sure he’d had clothes picked out a few days before for it. “Let’s just go. It’s usually pretty fun.”

“Long as you’re sure?”

“Yeah, I’m sure.” I smiled.

“OK. What time you think we should head out—around six?”

“Yep, that sounds right.”

“Ok. I’m gonna head down to the basement for a bit.”

“OK.”

I wanted to call him back. I wanted to tell him exactly why I wasn’t myself. I wanted to tell him why I had a picture of some random woman in my bag. I wanted to tell him everything. But there was no way. The direction of that conversation was nothing I could control, and a discussion like that was nothing that would help either one of us.

Sitting in my room, I also wondered if I was officially done with all this weirdness and dreams. I thought back to Mexico where I had kissed Drina on her warm peach face just before we left. She had seemed so serene and gorgeous. I’d felt incredibly attached to her for an instant, and in that moment, I’d handed her back to Isa. I had never felt that way about a baby before, and I didn’t know what to make of it. Kevin had scooped her up in the next minute and made goofy faces at her and gave her razzberries on her neck.

I had officially saved her life twice—kind of—and I figured that was all there would be. I felt lighter at the thought. Maybe I was done with all this? Maybe I could just go back to being a carpenter and do my thing and that would be all I had to think about. A simple life. The one thing I couldn’t shake was—
why me
? Why had I been the one to save her both times? I let my mind wander over whether or not I would see her again. I couldn’t imagine how my missing her was possible.

I stopped my mental rant for a moment, wondering if the baby’s mother was OK. I’d considered that regularly since it had happened. I thought back to when I’d carried her across the freeway like an absolute idiot. ‘Maybe call an ambulance, Mel?  Nah, I’ll just carry her across the freeway.’ I imagined all the things that could’ve gone wrong. I must have been full of adrenaline and focused on the fact that I
could
carry her, not whether or not I should. I rolled my eyes at myself. I decided that I’d think about this another time. This was so not happening right now.

Later that evening, my grampa and I got in the truck and drove to Kevin’s parents’ house. I hadn’t dressed up much. My grampa wore a navy-blue v-neck sweater over a white oxford shirt and khaki pants, and I looked pretty similar. I had on a fisherman’s sweater and jeans. My hair was down and flat-ironed and that’s where I spent the most prep time. I also took four seconds and put lip gloss on.

We pulled into the long, windy driveway that had been recently paved and parked the truck. Kevin’s car was already there, and we walked up to the door, carrying some toffee in a round tin that we had made for them the day before. 

Kevin’s dad, Mark, answered the door. “Rocky, Miss Mel, so happy you made it! C’mon in.” He shook my grampa’s hand and gave me an extra gentle hug.

I handed him the tin. “What’s this?”

“It’s toffee,” I told him. “We made it.”

“My goodness, thank you. Let’s bring this over to my bride. She’ll be in heaven.” We walked toward the kitchen. Signs were up all over the house for Hanukkah, New Years, and Christmas.

“Vita, Mel and Rocky are here, and they’ve brought us some toffee.”

“Heyyyy! Oh my gosh,” she said, taking the tin dramatically from Mark and hugging it in possession. “I’m absolutely not putting this out for the guests.” She laughed.

She walked over to my grampa and hugged him and then hugged me—only she held on a little longer. “I’m so glad you’re back,” she said just before she stopped hugging me.

“Kevin and his brothers are out back messing with that firepit if you want to go and see. It would absolutely shock me if anyone would want to go outside tonight as cold as it is, but my boys insisted on a bonfire.” She waved a hand and then set it on the countertop.

More people who we didn’t know came in, and Vita gave me a quick kiss on my cheek as she went to see who had arrived. My grampa started up a conversation with Kevin’s dad, so I went outside to see the bonfire.

As soon as I stepped outside the patio door, Kevin’s brothers stopped what they were doing and giggled, banging into each other. Kevin, who had been by the shed, came jogging over to me with a little too much energy. Something was up.

“Hey,” I said waving at the boys and looking at Kevin.

“Heyyyyy!!” Kevin said, bear hugging me. From the smell of him, he’d been messing with the fire for quite a while. While he was still hugging me, he said, “So, I did something and I don’t want you to be mad.” He pulled back, looking at me and gave me an eeek face.

“Oh God,
what
,” I demanded.

“Just…well, please know that I had really good intentions when I did it.”

“Kevin. What.”

He looked at me and bit his lips. “I invited Wren,” he said, still biting his lip.

For a split second, I didn’t even know who he was talking about. And, then I did.

“You did not.” I closed my eyes.

“Well, the last time you saw him was kinda weird. When you had that wet dress on, and I just was trying to make it better, and
that
didn’t happen….”

I glared at him. “I sooo hate you right now.”

“I was going to tell you when we were in Mexico, but I didn’t think he was coming!” he said defensively.

“You knew
then
?”

“No, no, no. That’s what I’m saying. I didn’t know. I just figured it would cheer you up. You were all lit up when you talked about him that time by the cliffs—when we were watching that wedding! I was just trying to make it right—make you happy.”

“If you were trying to make me happy, why did you know that I would be unhappy when you told me?”

He bit his lip again. “Valid point. And I don’t know. Please just know that I had good intentions.”

I shook my head. “Fine.”

Kevin’s brothers giggled again, cupping their hands over their mouths.

“So, he’ll be here in like five minutes. He got lost and called from a gas station nearby,” Kevin said as he walked toward the door, content with the placement of the bonfire logs. He turned and came and hugged me again, but I didn’t hug him back.