Unbreakable (21 page)

Shuffling across the street, I tuck my hands into the pockets of my jacket. I’m so nervous and scared, and for the first time since I decided to leave, a wave of nausea overcomes me. Standing at the front door, I raise my hand and knock lightly. I think to myself that if I knock lightly enough, maybe they won’t hear me. I can then leave knowing that I tried, but was unsuccessful in seeing them. I owe them more than a half-hearted attempt though, so I knock again, this time a bit harder. It seems so weird to knock on the door of a home that was basically mine for over fourteen years. Where I could walk in anytime unannounced, it was my home.

The door cracks open slightly and there stands John with a look of disbelief on his face. A small smile washes over his face as the door opens wider, and he pulls me into the house and into his arms, squeezing me tightly. Pulling my hands out from my pockets, I wrap my arms around him in return. This is the first real touch I’ve encountered in weeks. Tears fill my eyes and a lump forms in my throat.

“Mija, we’ve missed you,” he says, tightening his squeeze. It’s a comforting embrace, and hearing John call me ‘Mija’ warms my heart. They have always considered me their daughter and have never treated me as anything less.

“I’ve missed you too,” I choke out, as a tear slips from the corner of my eye. Pulling out of John’s strong arms, I wipe my cheeks with my fingers and take a deep breath to calm myself.

“Sit down, please.” John motions to the couch.

“I can’t,” I say, dropping my eyes to the floor. “I just came to say goodbye.” That lump is back, stuck in the back of my throat, stopping me from saying anything further.

“Goodbye?” he questions me.

I nod my head in short, fast movements. “I’m leaving tomorrow morning. I’ve taken an internship on the East Coast,” I say, my hands fidgeting. I’ve always looked to him for guidance and support, and here I am, just telling him what I’m doing.

He stands, looking at me as he nods his heads slowly, running a hand over his face. Looking up, I notice Angelica standing in the entryway between the living room and kitchen. She’s wiping her hands on a dishtowel.

“Why so far away?” she questions me as she walks towards me, closing the distance between us.

Shrugging my shoulders, I can feel my chin quiver as I force the words, “I just have too.” Not able to say anything else, the tears overtake me again and Angelica is now pulling me into a hug.

“Mija, please,” she begs, hugging me and rubbing my back. “We are here for you.
All
of us.” I know that she is implying Gabe as well when she says ‘all of us.’

“I know,” I whisper back.

“Then stay. Let us help you,” she pleads with a whisper in my ear.

“I can’t. I have to do this,” I say, trying to pull out of her arms. She won’t let go, and her hands are now holding my upper arms. Running her eyes over me from head to toe, she studies every inch of me as if it’s the last time she’ll see me, and it very well may be.

“When is the last time you ate? You look too skinny,” she says, releasing my arms. She offers me a kind smile, and a gentle kiss to my cheek before she turns and heads into the kitchen.

“I really should go,” I whisper to John. Standing there, with his arms at his side, he nods his head and looks back towards the kitchen.

“There are a few folks out back who would be really disappointed if they didn’t get to say ‘goodbye’ to you.” I swallow hard, knowing who he means. “They’ve been worried sick about you. You stopped taking their calls and returning their text messages. I hope you will at least go say ‘goodbye’ to them.”

I know I owe them this. At the very minimum, I owe my best friend, my sister a ‘goodbye’. I nod my head in agreement and move slowly towards the kitchen to the patio door. Just as I’m almost out of the living room, John’s words stop me. “You know you can always come home to us. We will always be here for you.”

Looking over my shoulder at the man who was more of a dad to me than my own, I offer him a small smile. “Thank you,” I say as I walk into the kitchen. There stands Angelica at the kitchen sink, her hands rested on the counter as she stares through the window into the dark back yard. I’m met with the most mouthwatering aromas, as I stand there and watch her. Everything I ate growing up with the Garcia’s was spread across the counters: enchiladas, tacos, rice, beans. My stomach immediately growls in hunger but stops quickly when I see the patio door and realize I have to walk out back and say ‘goodbye’ to Ava.

I reach for the patio door handle but stop again to look at Angelica. I can’t help but smile at the woman who raised me, taught me how to cook, comforted me while I was sick, went to my school conferences, and is the closest person I’ll ever have to a mom. For almost fifteen years, she has cared for me like I was her own. Looking at her, I am comforted by her presence, and for the first time, I’m feeling sad to leave the Garcia’s behind.

Turning back to the door I grasp the handle and slide it open. Stepping onto the stained concrete patio, I can hear the sounds of laughter and conversation from the small groups of friends gathered around the fire pit. I scan the backyard looking for Ava and find her snuggled under Adrian’s arm.

Taking in the group of people gathered around the fire pit my heart thuds rapidly with nervousness but nearly stops altogether when I see him. Gabe has his arms wrapped around a tall blonde woman, embracing her in a hug. She looks to be around his age and is pencil thin. Her arm is thrown around his neck with her head tipped back, and she’s clearly laughing at something he said to her.

My heart sinks as I watch him pull out of his embrace with the mystery woman, and I see the wide smile that covers his tan face. I can’t do this. I can’t see him with someone else. I’m not strong enough for this.
But this is what I want him to do. This is why I asked him to let me go, so he can be happy
. My hands are sweating, and my eyes fill with tears. An angry heat takes over my body as I feel my chest tighten and struggle to breathe. Turning quickly, I make a run for the patio door just a firm hand catches my elbow, stopping me before I can move any further. At the very same time that hand connects with my elbow, I hear my name.

“Jess?”

Snapping my head in the direction of the body holding me hostage, I see Luke gripping my elbow. Clearly shocked to see me standing here in his backyard, I try to pull out of his grip, but he tightens his hand around my elbow to keep me from running away. With the sound of my name coming from Luke’s deep yet surprised voice, the backyard goes silent.

Looking back over my shoulder I can see everyone has fixed their attention on me. Ava, Adrian, Max, Gabe, and even his leggy girl who I now recognize as Heather, the EMT from the fire station where Dad, Gabe, and Luke all work.
How fucking convenient
. As my eyes continue to shift from person to person, Luke breaks the silence.

“How are you?”

Glaring at Gabe, who is still standing ridiculously close to Heather, I flash him the meanest look I can. I want him to know I’m pissed, even though I don’t have any right to be. I cut him loose. This is what I wanted.

“I’m, just leaving,” I say, my voice cracking. “I just came to say goodbye.” My eyes drop to the concrete patio as giant tears spill down my face.

“Goodbye? Where are you going?” Ava’s voice is frantic as she moves quickly from Adrian’s embrace over to my side. Luke still hasn’t let go of my arm, holding me firmly in place. She is now standing directly in front of me, blocking my exit to the patio door.

“I leave tomorrow,” I tell her, meeting her glossy eyes. “I’m moving out East for an internship.” I barely manage to say the words through the lump in my throat.

“Where?” she asks quietly.

“Please.” I beg her with my eyes to stop asking me questions I’m not ready to answer.

“Just, out East.”

“Why? Please, stay here. I’ll transfer back. We can get through this—together.” Her voice breaks, and I watch the giant tears spill from my best friend’s eyes. Wiping them with her sleeve, she continues, “We’ll get an apartment together. Just please don’t go.”

“I can’t,” I whisper as I watch more tears fall from her eyes. “I have to go.” I jerk my arm back, pulling away from his vice grip. I mouth the word ‘bye’
to Ava who is standing with her hands over her mouth, choking back sobs. Because I’m a glutton for punishment, or maybe because I never stopped loving him, I turn to take one last blurry look at Gabe. Even through my tears, I can see him clearly. His mouth has tightened into a straight line, and he’s stepped forward away from Heather. One of his hands is flexed into a fist and the other is holding a beer bottle that looks as if he could crush it if he squeezed it any harder. I can see the veins in his arms as he’s flexing his hand around the beer bottle.

Turning back toward Luke and Ava, I see the side gate is open and know that this is my fastest escape out of this backyard. Taking a deep breath, I gather myself and walk quickly toward the gate, willing myself not to turn around again.

Just breathe. Just breathe
. I keep repeating this to myself over and over in my head.
Just breathe. Just breathe.
I’ve made it out of the back yard and onto the driveway safely hidden by the fence. I stop and bend over. My stomach is twisting, I feel like I’m going to vomit right here on the driveway. Since I haven’t eaten in three days, it appears I’ll just dry heave here instead.
Just breathe for fuck sake
. I feel like I got the wind knocked out of me. I try to catch my breath as my stomach coils.

As I stand up, there is a violent crash and glass breaking, along with raised voices, and seconds later, more glass breaking. Walking as fast as my legs will take me, I cross the street. Stepping onto my front patio, I turn around to look, one last time across the street to the house where every good memory of my childhood resides.

Opening my front door, I step in and shut the world out again. Collapsing onto my couch, I curl myself into a ball and cry. I have no reason to be mad at Gabe. I pushed him away. I broke up with him. But it killed me to see him hugging Heather, and it hurt me to know he could move on so quickly. The vision of him hugging her is burned into my memory as I try to fall asleep.

For hours I lie on my couch, whispering words to Gabe he’ll never hear. How much I love him, how much he deserves to be happy, and how proud I am of him. Words he’ll never hear because I’m too weak to talk to him, and I pushed him into the arms of another woman. Sleep finally finds me as I feel the last tear roll down my face.

“What did she say?”

My heart is going to beat out of my fucking chest. I can literally feel it bouncing off the walls of my ribs. I saw the look of pain, of utter disgust, on her face when she saw me hugging Heather.
Fuck
. I couldn’t hear what she was saying to Luke or to Ava, but she was crying. I tried to move closer, to hear her voice, but before I even had time to think, she was gone.

“God dammit, what the fuck did she say?” I yell this time.

“She’s leaving.” Ava chokes in between sobs, tears still falling down her face.

“What do you mean she’s leaving? Where is she going?”

“Out East. That’s all she said, out East.” Ava cries, her eyes glistening with tears.

In this moment, every ounce of self-control I’ve ever had vanishes. I take my beer bottle and as hard I can, toss it at the side of the brick garage. I’ve never seen glass explode and shatter like that green beer bottle did. People near me duck, and back away. I’m like an out of control animal. My heart is beating violently, and rage courses through me.

I grab another beer bottle that’s sitting on the table and throw it against the garage, shattering that bottle as well. Just as I’m looking for a third one, Luke grabs my arm and pulls me away from the table. Everyone is yelling at me to calm down.
Calm down?
The only person I have ever truly loved is moving out East, wherever the fuck that is, and I’m supposed to just calm down?

Luke now has me in a bear hug so that I can’t destroy anything else, and Ava is holding onto my arm. “Please, stop,” she cries.

I’m breathing so fast and so shallow that I feel like I could pass out. My head is dizzy, mostly from rage, and I’m sure the beer hasn’t helped. Feeling my chest rising and falling with every sharp breath I take, Luke continues to hold me in this position for a couple of minutes while my mind has time to absorb everything that just happened. As my breathing settles, Luke lessens his grip on me until he lets me go all together.

“Sorry everyone,” I say, pulling away from the small group that is now watching me, as I walk straight to the patio door. Sliding it open, I move quickly through the house and up to my room, the room I don’t stay in anymore. Shutting my door, I lock it and sit down at the only thing left in this room, my wooden desk. Leaning forward, I drop my head into my hands and fight to control my emotions. I can’t believe she’s leaving. She’s really leaving. A million thoughts are racing through my head, I know she won’t talk to me, or listen to me, but I have so much to say and so much to tell her before she leaves.