Unbeloved (23 page)

“Don’t give m
e any bullshit,” Deuce grumbled. “I got two of my boys leavin’ me, think I deserve a fuckin’ smoke.”

Jase
wanted to ask who else was leaving, but decided against it. If Deuce allowed him to pull out on good standing, he’d technically still be a member, just a retired one. And being retired from an MC was a hell of a lot like military service—you could be called back to duty at any time if you were needed.

“
Ahhh.” Deuce sighed as a long stream of gray smoke poured from between his lips. “Fuckin’ beautiful shit right there.”

Jase
stayed silent, letting the man enjoy his cigarette as he glanced around the office for what was more than likely going to be the last time. The thought of leaving, saying good-bye to everything he knew was terrifying, yet at the same time there was a tiny part of him that felt . . . excited at the idea of starting over.

Deuce abruptly stood up, jerking
Jase’s attention back to him. “Hand over your cut,” he said, and Jase’s stomach sank.

Slowly he pushed himself out of the chair
, and even more slowly, he let the black leather vest slide from his shoulders. He turned, catching it before it could fall to the floor. Then, clutching it in his hands, he stared down at it a moment, at the patches on it, thinking of the million memories such a small scrap of material contained.

“
Picture stays on the wall,” Deuce said, regaining Jase’s attention. “Colors stay on your skin. And I ever need your ass, you’re back here faster than shit stains a white fuckin’ carpet, you feel me?”

After s
tubbing his cigarette out, Deuce headed back around the desk and toward him. Holding out his hand, he said, “Give it here.”

Looking at Deuce,
Jase was reminded of his father. Despite aging better than his old man had, Deuce had been like a father to Jase. Saying good-bye to him felt like losing a family member.

Still, he handed over the vest
, and once it was in Deuce’s hand, the man turned around and pointed to where Blue’s cut was hanging on the wall above his desk, encased in glass and framed.

“
It’s goin’ there, brother,” he said. “You’ll be in good fuckin’ company.”

It was both surprising and heartwarming.
To have his cut hung on Deuce’s wall, and near Blue’s, no less? That was an honor of epic proportions, and one given to very few brothers. Jase wasn’t being dismissed or cut off, not at all. He was simply moving on in a way that was reminiscent of leaving your parents’ home once you were old enough, once it was finally time.

And it was time for
Jase to move on.

“
Thanks, Prez,” Jase said quietly.

“
Deuce,” he said, turning back to him and holding out his hand. “My name is Deuce, brother.”

Jase
clasped the man’s hand and gave it a firm shake that ended with Deuce pulling him forward into a quick hug. He’d barely had enough time to feel surprised when he was suddenly being pushed away and Deuce was jerking his chin toward the door.

“
There’s a fuckin’ party goin’ on out there. Go say good-bye to the boys.”

Jase
knew when he was being booted, but he also knew that Deuce, judging by the man’s expression, was only doing so because he needed a moment alone. Whatever was going on that had him hurting, Jase had only added to it.

“And
Jase?”

Looking back at Deuce, he arched an eyebrow in question.

Deuce smiled grimly. “Some of the boys might not like what you’re doin’, leavin’ the club and all, but don’t pay ’em no mind. Ain’t nothin’ more important than family. Took me a long fuckin’ time to figure that shit out.”

Closing his eyes,
Jase took a deep breath. When he opened them, he gave Deuce a long, hard look, willing himself to be strong. Strong like Deuce always was.

“Thanks
, brother.”

“Now go,” Deuce ordered, turning away from him. “Get to
livin’ again.”

Jase’s
muscles tensed and his jaw locked up tight. He wasn’t going to be a pussy now; he was going to walk out those doors, his head held high, proud of what he was finally getting around to doing. His fucking emotions, goddamn them, were not going to get the better of him this time.

Wrapping his hand on the doorknob,
Jase pulled open the door.

“Fucker!” Cage yelled,
pointing as he stormed towards him. “What the fuck did you do to my truck? You don’t fuck around with another man’s truck!”

“Stop
whinin’!” Ripper shouted from across the room. “Your truck ain’t shit!”

“
Jase!” Cox pounded on the bar. “Get your ass over here. I got stories to tell and ain’t nobody listenin’!”

Grinning,
Jase closed Deuce’s office door behind him and slowly headed out into the club.

For the last time.

It was
being touted as a party, but I knew what the reality of this impromptu get-together at the clubhouse really was. A good-bye party. Everyone had come—the boys, their wives or girlfriends, and all of their children. Even the nomads, the men who didn’t live in Miles City, had shown up.

Feeling pride in
Hawk’s sacrifice, his true past all but forgotten, they’d all come to pay their respects, as well as say good-bye to one of their own.

As much as I appreciated the
ir efforts, I didn’t feel much like a party, and so I stayed on the sidelines, avoiding everyone. I wanted nothing more than to be curled up in bed beside Hawk, running my hands over him, every inch of him, memorizing every plane and hollow of his body, the feel of every muscle and bone beneath his skin, every line on his face, every callus on his hands, every hair, both coarse and soft, upon his body.

I wanted to stare at his face, into his eyes, until it was all I could see, so much so that every time I would close my eyes from now
until forever, it would be those fiercely handsome, dangerously dark features that would form in the blackness of my subconscious.

I wanted to keep him with me even when
he couldn’t be with me himself.

But I wasn
’t the only one who loved Hawk and wanted to spend much-needed time with him before he left us. He might have never been much of a talker, always more of doer than the others, but that didn’t mean he hadn’t formed bonds with them over the years.

I surveyed the room, my eyes dancing across the many faces
until I found the one I sought. Hawk was seated on a bar stool, leaning heavily to his right with a crutch nestled under his arm, bearing most of his weight. His head was freshly shaven, his Mohawk gone, and all that remained of his beard was a couple of days’ worth of prickly growth.

But it wasn
’t his handsome features that held my gaze. It was the strength behind them. The inner man.

I loved him for that strength. For being the devoted father he was, for never once giving up on me despite my reluctance. But mostly I loved him for loving me in the face of my many, many weaknesses.

Jase and I were never meant to be. Jase and I were one and the same, both weak minded, and weak willed. We’d both felt trapped, stuck in lives we’d never wanted, and because of that had come together during a dark and seemingly hopeless time in my life.

F
or a short time, he’d been what I’d truly wanted.

But never what I
’d needed.

Hawk was the strong, sturdy, emotionally solid man I needed
, and I could only hope that one day Jase would realize this truth as well and find a woman who provided him with the same sort of support and unconditional love.

My only solace in losing
Hawk was the knowledge that I would never lose that love. He might not be able to physically be with me during the time he’d be gone, but he’d never leave me. And not even the thick concrete walls and steel bars of a prison could take that from me.

“
I’d be willin’ to bet he’ll be in for ten years, max.”

The couch dipped as Deuce dropped down on the cushion beside me, startling me out of my
thoughts.

“
Five to seven with good behavior,” Deuce continued. “It’ll go by before you know it, and he’ll be home again.”

Sighing, I turned away from Hawk to give Deuce my full attention.
God knew the man wouldn’t deal well with being ignored.

Holding a drink in his hand,
Deuce offered it to me. “You’ll get through this, D.”

Deuce said ten years as if it were nothing, as if ten years were just a blip in the span of a life that usually only consisted of sixty or seventy
, and that was if you were lucky.

Ten years
meant ten long years without the man I loved, and Christopher growing up without his father. Ten years was ten goddamn years, and it was most certainly not a blip.

I would be in my fifties, Christopher would graduating high school
, and Hawk would have missed it all. Swallowing back a wave of sorrow, I chased my feelings with a large gulp of whatever Deuce had brought me and ended up nearly choking to death. What was this? Rubbing alcohol?

“
He wants you here, you know?” Deuce said quietly, leaning toward me. “He wants you and the boy here so he knows you’re bein’ takin’ care of. I gotta say, D, that I agree with him. I can help you find a house, a job, whatever you need.”

As much as I hated uprooting Christopher from his school, his friends
, and his city, I would be a liar if I didn’t admit I didn’t want to return to San Francisco. Especially with the loss of Hawk’s visits, I would have no one but Christopher. Tegen’s friends were nice enough, but I was never able to connect emotionally with them. I wanted to be with my daughter, to be around women my own age . . . and of course, the club.

But I didn
’t need Deuce to find me a house, not when I was related to the only real estate agent in town.

And it wa
s about time I faced my family.

“
I’ll call my sister,” I said. “See what’s on the market.”

“
How long’s it been since you and her spoke?”

I shrugged again.
“A very long time.”

“
Your folks too?”

Sighing,
I nodded. “I know they’ve reached out to Tegen a few times, and so have her father’s parents, but she’s told me she made it clear to them that she wants nothing to do with them.” I shook my head. “Then of course she had to take it one step further and tell them her name was Tegen West, ensuring they knew exactly who her father-in-law was.”

I gave Deuce a pointed look.
“I can only imagine the looks on their God-fearing faces.”

Deuce barked out a
deep belly laugh that drew the attention of nearly everyone around us.

“
You better put that shit on my tab,” he said, still chuckling. “And, D? I ain’t takin’ no for an answer.”

I didn
’t think he would. He never had, and I’d learned that back when he’d insisted on paying for Tegen to live in San Francisco. I wasn’t dumb enough to refuse his offer, not when all I had were my disability checks, and what little was in my savings. It wasn’t nearly enough to purchase a decent home for my son to grow up in.

“
I’m on it, Prez,” I teased. “But only if you can promise me that it’s safe.”

Deuce
gave me a sidelong look. “Safe?” he asked, perplexed.

I shrugged
, feeling out of place talking to Deuce about his business. “The Russians? From everything Hawk has told me, and what he plans to do . . . Won’t there be some sort of retaliation? What if they find out Christopher is Hawk’s son?”

Deuce grimaced.
“I’ve got some shit lined up as a fuckin’ safeguard. I can’t promise they ain’t gonna hit us back, but I can promise it ain’t gonna be in my fuckin’ town, and ain’t nobody gonna think that little leprechaun is Hawk’s boy.”

His
gaze shifted to Christopher. Seated on the floor, his legs crossed into a pretzel, my son and a few of the other children were sitting in a circle.

“
Looks like you made him all on your own, darlin’.”

I laughed even as I squinted to get a better look at what the children were doing.
“What are they doing?” I said. “Is Ivy teaching them . . . ?” I trailed off, my eyes widening. “My God, Deuce, she’s only twelve and teaching them to play poker!”

Deuce shrugged.
“Devin, that little fuckin’ shit, taught her.” He shrugged again. “At least it ain’t strip poker.”

As I gaped at him,
he gave my leg a conciliatory pat. “Anyways, you let me worry about the Russians and my daughter’s gambling problem. You just raise that boy and live your life, you feel me?”

I looked back at Christopher, then
at Hawk, who was engaged in conversation, before looking again at Deuce. His eyes were the softest I’d ever seen them, the kindest too.

“
I feel you,” I whispered, grateful for his support, but also beginning to feel very overwhelmed.

“
And wherever Hawk gets put away,” he added, “I’ll be takin’ you to see him once a month. Myself.”

It wasn
’t much, a visit once a month, but it was something. And it would have to serve in tiding me over for the next . . . ten years.

• • •

“This is nice,” Dorothy said, snuggling closer to Hawk.

Lounging one of the club
’s many reclining chairs, Hawk was able to keep his leg propped up as well as have Dorothy, as tiny as she was, seated on his lap, her body wound around his.

I
t was nice. Strange and really fucking nice. Nice because the pain meds he’d taken just a short while ago were kicking in, and strange because he and Dorothy had never done this before . . . just hung out, being lazy and stupid.

And even s
tranger because not only had they spent the day at the club together, they’d spent it as a couple in front of everyone, but especially in front of Jase, for the very first time.

A
s far as Jase was concerned, while Hawk didn’t have the warm fuzzies for the guy, even he had to admit that losing a brother pretty much sucked, even if that brother was a complete fucking asshole. But Jase had always been looking for something more; any moron who knew him knew that. The only problem was that the biggest moron of them all, Jase, never had a clue. Now that he was moving on, finally taking control of his life, Hawk hoped the man could find what he’d been searching for all these years.

And if whatever that was kept him away from Dorothy, then great. Super
. Hawk was a happy fucking guy.

“
It was nice of Tegen to take Christopher home,” she said. Running her hand slowly down the front of his chest, she pulled the material of his T-shirt up over his abdomen and began giving his bare stomach the same treatment.

“
Nice that everyone got the fuck outta here,” he said, closing his eyes. Yeah, this was nice.

Dorothy
snorted softly, causing her body to shake lightly against his. “Cox came back,” she whispered. “Three guesses what he’s doing?”

Hawk didn
’t give a shit about what Cox was doing. Actually, he didn’t give a shit about what anyone was doing other than Dorothy and the way her fingers had crept down his stomach and were now dipping below the waistline of his sweatpants.

“
Feel fuckin’ ridiculous in these giant fuckin’ pants,” he mumbled. Even more ridiculous than the sweatpants were the fact that one of the legs had been cut off in order to provide room for his fucked-up leg and cast.

“
No way,” Dorothy cooed, kissing his neck, reaching even farther down his pants. Beneath her small hand his dick, thankfully not affected by his pain pills, was instantly alert. “They’re so easily accessible.”

Yep. This was nice. Probably surpassed
even nice, but Hawk was really feeling the effects of those pain pills and his brain wasn’t exactly functioning on all cylinders. Nice was about the best he could come up with.

“
So I was talking with Deuce earlier,” she said.

Hawk
’s upper lip curled in disgust. Why the fuck was she talking about Deuce? Stroking his cock and talking about Deuce? Those two things definitely did not coincide happily.

“
And I’m taking him up on his house offer,” she continued.

“
Yeah?” he asked, looking down at her. “You’re gonna move back here?”

She smiled up at him, and he noticed for the first time how relaxed she looked. Too relaxed for Dorothy.

“Woman, you been drinkin’?” He got his answer when she giggled in response.

Grinning, he let his head fall back and closed his eyes.
Thank fuck Deuce had made good on his word. Nothing made him happier than knowing Christopher was going to grow up here, among his family and the club. He’d never liked the fact that Dorothy had hightailed it out to California, and had figured once Tegen had moved back home, Dorothy would follow, but she hadn’t. And since shit between them had been as awkward as all hell, he’d never suggested it.

Didn
’t matter now, though, did it?

H
e could rest easy inside whatever fucking prison the Feds ended up locking his ass up in, knowing that Dorothy and his son were going to be living in Horsemen territory, under Deuce’s certain protection.

“
I want every report card,” he said. “Every disciplinary notice, every school picture. I want it all, D.”

“
I promise,” she whispered.

“
And no wrestling,” he continued, letting his hand drop down her back and onto her backside. His hands were big enough, her ass small enough, that one entire ass cheek fit perfectly in the palm of his hand. Yeah, real fucking nice. Jesus, was he that high that his vocabulary suddenly only consisted of “nice”?