Unbearable (Undescribable) (5 page)

What happened?

Should I not want him?

He said earlier that he was going to give me space,
but he was still here. He sat next to me while Walter was here. He chose to
stay with me while his family went out to eat lunch. But when it comes to
physical contact, he doesn’t want it. Is that what he meant by space? He
doesn’t want to be intimate with me? What did I say to make him decide that? I
was just ready to have sex in the kitchen and instead, he turned around and
walked out.

I hear the front door open and close. Coming out of
the kitchen, I look down the hall to the front door, but there’s no one there.
I had expected to see everyone walking in from lunch. Instead, the house is
quiet. I cross the living room to the window, just in time to see Slade’s
rental car pulling out of the driveway. Where is he going? Have I pissed him
off?

I don’t know what’s going on and I don’t have the
energy to figure it out right now. Maybe he’s going through something, too. I
haven’t heard him talk about work, but I know even though he’s not there, he’s
still getting emails, and phone calls. He was right; we do have more important
things to do.

Once again, I go attempt to make the pasta,
plugging my earbuds back into my ears. As soon as I am finished with dinner, I
am going to go to bed. I know it’s only midafternoon, but I just want a warm
bath and some sleep. The last two days have sucked away all of my energy, and I
am too drained to even try to figure out what the hell is wrong with Slade.
It’s probably just his job. Hopefully it will blow over soon.

CHAPTER THREE

I readjust my pants as I
drive. Fuck, I had to get out of there. She does not need me the way she wants
me. She needs my encouraging words and love. She does not need a temporary fix.
She needs me to be strong so she can be weak, in case she needs to fall apart.
Not fuck her to take her mind off her problems momentarily.

I wanted to reach over and punch Walter when he
started talking to her, like her mother hadn’t just passed away. I could tell
she was having trouble breathing and was about to break down. All I can do is
hold her and reassure her that I am here for her and will stay with her. No
matter how hurt she is, I will not leave her.

That’s what I keep reminding myself as I drive. She
told Walter that she was going to pack up all of her mom’s things and give them
to charity. I need to help and do my part. Therefore, I left to get her some
boxes.

Angel said we were only going to stay a couple more
days. She didn’t want me missing any more work. I had tried to tell her that
work could wait, but she wasn’t listening. What Courtney said earlier was
really bothering her. I never want Angel to think that my work is more
important than she is. She is the most important thing in my life. She is my
world. I would hate for her to think that she is less than my everything.

I try to focus on the road, even though I have no
idea where the fuck I am. I have never been to Tulsa before, and my mind continues
fantasizing about fucking her on that kitchen countertop. What is up with her?
Every time she touches me, it’s more desperate than the last. I want to be
gentle, to make love to her once again, but there’s no way I will be able to
stay soft when she has her hands on me.

I shake my head, pull into a Quiktrip and dig my
cell out of my pocket. I type Tulsa, Oklahoma into my GPS, looking for a
Lowe’s.

Twenty minutes later I’m
walking through Lowe’s trying to find what I need when my phone rings. I pull
it out of my pocket and see that it’s my brother.

“Hello?”

“Hey, man, where are you?”

“I’m at Lowe’s picking up some stuff.” I walk down
aisle after aisle looking for the fucking boxes.

“Oh, okay.” He lets out a deep breath.

“Is something wrong?” I come to a stop in the
ceiling fan aisle.

“No, we were just worried. We weren’t here long
before Sam went up to her room. She told us she made dinner, then just turned
around and went upstairs,” he says sadly.

I start walking again, but my heart hurts for her.
I can’t help but feel this hole in my chest, especially when I think back to
her lying on the floor in her mother’s room, everything around her destroyed.

“Walter upset her with a few things she didn’t
know. She probably just wants to be alone.” That’s how she is. She does not
like people to see her when she is down. Doesn’t she know that anyone else
would be just as heartbroken if it had been their mother who had died? “She
just needs some time,” I assure him, as I find myself once again wandering
aimlessly in this store.

“Okay, well we will see you when you get here.”

I turn around as a man is walking toward me. “Where
are the boxes?” I ask, obviously frustrated.

“How many do you need?” He takes off towards the
front of the store.

I run a hand through my hair. Shit, I don’t know
how many it will take.

Thirty minutes later, I walk out of the store with
three hundred dollars’ worth of boxes. When I get back to the house, everyone
is in the kitchen. I look around and notice they are all talking and laughing.
It breaks my heart that Angel is upstairs, probably crying her eyes out.

“What’s everyone doing?” I sit down at the table
next to Micah.

“Just visiting.” Holly looks over at me. “What’s
the plan?” she asks as she pops a cookie in her mouth.

“Well, I know you guys said you were staying until
Saturday, but after Angel talked to Walter, she wants to head back on Friday.
She wants to spend tomorrow packing up all of her mom’s stuff and taking it to
a shelter here. Then she wants to drive her mother’s Tahoe back to St. Louis.”
We both had only purchased a one-way plane ticket since we didn’t know how long
we would be here. “Oh, and we have her dad’s car that’s out in the garage to bring
back as well, but I don’t want her making the drive alone. So I will drive her
in the Tahoe.” I turn to Micah. “Will you drive her dad’s car back? I’ll
reimburse you for however much your plane ticket was.”

He smiles and shakes his head. “Of course I will
drive it back and you’re not going to pay for my ticket.”

I look around at all of them. “I’ll pay for
everyone’s ticket. I know they will probably charge you a fee to change the
return flight.”

“You’re not going to pay for our flights. Coming
here was the least we could have done. We see Sam as part of our family, and
you do anything for family,” my dad says as he rubs a hand up and down my mom’s
back.

I just stare at them, feeling my chest swell with
pride. Will she see my family as her family? I want her to be my wife someday.
She didn’t think twice before she said yes about moving in with me. Will
marriage be too big of a step? Will this set her back? I’m getting ahead of
myself once again. I know I just need to give her time.

I stand up from the table. “I’m going to go to
bed,” I announce to no one in particular. It’s not late but I’m fucking
exhausted from the lack of sleep last night. I have a feeling tomorrow will be
an emotional day for Angel, having to pack up all of her mother’s belongings.

I walk up the stairs and slowly open her door. She
is pulling a clean shirt over her head. “What are you doing?” I question,
hoping she doesn’t mention my leaving earlier.

“I have to go to the funeral home.” She walks over
to her bed and picks up her purse.

“Okay. Let me use the bathroom real quick and I
will go with you.”

“No.” She turns to face me, and for the first time
I notice the circles under her eyes and how much smaller her body appears. She
looks exhausted and alone. I feel a stab of guilt in my chest about leaving her
earlier. She needs me. I walked away when she wanted me, and now she is going
to push me away.

“I want to go alone.” She places her purse over her
shoulder and walks over to her closet. She picks up a garment bag hanging on
the door.

“What’s in that?”

“I picked out an outfit for my mother. I want to
view her before….” She pauses and it tears me apart. “Before”—she swallows—“they
cremate her. And in order for me to view her, they have to embalm her. So, I
picked out her favorite outfit.” She stops and looks down at the floor. “Well,
her favorite outfit from what I remember.” She takes a deep breath, making her
way to her bedroom door. “I want to have a memorial service here at the house
before we head back. So we won’t be leaving by Friday,” is the last thing she
says to me before she walks out, leaving me standing there, praying that what I
did earlier did not destroy us. So what if sex only temporarily fixes her
problem? She needs me and I abandoned her.

I sigh, feeling like an ass for walking out on her.
I head back downstairs to visit with everyone. I sure as hell don’t want to sit
up here with my thoughts of how much I have fucked up today.

I walk out of the house without
saying anything to anyone. After I had finished cooking, I went up to my room
and took a nice hot bath. I was going to lie down and try to take a nap, but
first I had to call the funeral home that my mother wanted to use.

After discussing the necessary arrangements with the
funeral director, I went to her room and looked through her clothes. I picked
out the dress that she had worn for her and my dad’s wedding reception. She
always told me that she would have worn it every day if she could, that she
loved it more than her actual wedding dress. My grandmother had chosen her
wedding dress, and although it was gorgeous, my mom always said, “It just
wasn’t me, not my style.”

I laugh to myself as I drive down the highway,
remembering the way she would curl her lip, scrunch her nose, and shake her
head when she spoke. She always had the funniest facial expressions.

I made the decision to go to the funeral home
alone. Slade obviously has something on his mind, and I don’t need him to hold
me every time I shed a tear. I have to see her, even though I know it’s no
longer her, and I have to tell her how sorry I am. Sorry that I wasn’t there,
that I ran when she gave me the chance. I have to let it all out or it will forever
eat at me. I want her to know that she means the world to me. That even though
I thought she didn’t want anything to do with me, I still loved her, every second
of every day. She was my mother and not even cancer can take that from me.

I wipe a tear from my cheek as I pull into the
parking lot. I get out, carrying her dress and my purse. I steel myself as I
walk in the front doors.

“Hello. My name is Shirley,” greets an older woman
with a blonde bob. “What can I do for you?”

“I talked with a Mr. Hopkins earlier. He said that
I needed to sign some paperwork.”

“Please follow me.” She takes me down a hallway, soft
elevator music filters in from speakers above. We come to an open door at the
end of the hall.

“Mr. Hopkins. This lovely lady is here to see you.”

He stands up from behind his desk and offers me his
hand. “Hello. Miss Hall, is it?

“Yes.” I reach out my hand to shake his.

“Please have a seat.” He gestures to one of the
chairs facing his desk.

I take a deep breath as I sit down, trying to remind
myself to stay calm. Freaking out right now would not be in anyone’s best
interest.

He sorts through some papers and then hands me one.
“This just states that you release her body to us and that we have your
permission to cremate her.”

“What do you mean, release her to you?” I question,
as I sign my name, not bothering to read what he just explained.

“She is still at the morgue,” he tells me as he takes
the papers from my hand.

“Is that the normal procedure or is something
wrong?” I ask, panic overtaking me. Why would she be in the morgue? I was under
the assumption she was already here.

“Oh, it’s proper procedure, nothing to worry
about,” he reassures.

I sigh as I lean back in my chair. I blink a few
times, trying to hold back tears. I feel so lost and alone right now. I don’t
know anything about this stuff. I wish I didn’t have to do any of it. But
there’s no one else and I would hate to miss a chance to be there for my mom.

I look down to see her dress lying over my legs. “I
brought an outfit for her.” I pat the garment bag softly.

“Let me take that.” He stands up and reaches for
it. “It will take a couple of days for the process.” He hangs the bag up on a
hook nailed to the wall and then sits back down. “She will be transferred here
and we will embalm her. You can come in, view her and then we will cremate her.
You said over the phone that you would like to do a memorial service?”

“Yes.” I pause, not knowing what to say. “I haven’t
seen my mom in five years,” I whisper, not wanting him to judge me, or my
mother for that matter. “I don’t know who all to tell about it.” I feel a tear
slide down my cheek.

He reaches over to grab a tissue out of a box. “You
can write the obituary, and I can place it in the paper for you,” he informs
me, while handing over the tissue.

“Okay,” I say as I feel a lump catch in my throat.
“I can do that.”

“I’m truly sorry for your loss.” He gives me
another tissue. “I am here to help you through this. Do you have any
questions?”

I nod slowly. “An urn, do you have any here?”

“We do. Would you like to see them?”

I take a deep breath, willing the tears to stop. My
mother is dead. I just saw her three days ago. I thought that I was going to
get to be in her life again and instead she was taken from me, for good.