Unbearable (Undescribable) (11 page)

I look through my sunglasses as we continue to pass
cars. Leaning my forehead against the cold window, I start to think about my
mother’s urn, which is sitting on the floor behind my seat along with my
father’s urn.

Once again, I had an outburst today, but at least
only Slade saw it this time. When I woke up, I felt like a different person. I
felt like there was nothing that could bring me down. No one else to pop up and
make me feel guilty. We were leaving that house behind and going to start a
life together. Of course, Slade ruined it within ten minutes by, once again,
reminding me that I have demons. Demons from my past that will always haunt me.

As soon as Slade spoke, it pissed me off. Does he
think I’m faking it? How long does one live with guilt? Well, I probably will
for the rest of my life, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t be happy.

“Are you hungry, Angel?”

Guess he knows I’m awake. “No,” I say, keeping my
head facing the window.

He sighs. “When was the last time you ate?”

Hmm. When did I eat last? “Yesterday.” Really, I
don’t remember, but it’s not like I’m starving myself. I’m just not hungry right
now.

I lean my seat back and turn onto my side, facing
away from him. I really am tired. I feel drained and am in a pissy mood—not a
good combination for a woman.

The next three hours consist
of me falling in and out of sleep. Every now and then, I hear Slade talking on
his phone, but I can’t quite make out what he’s saying.

I open my eyes as I feel the Tahoe slow down. I sit
my seat up and realize we are on Slade’s street. I look at the clock on the
dash and it’s almost midnight. Slade backs up to the garage and I get out to
hit the code into the keypad. He reverses in as I walk into the garage.

I already feel a smile creep up on my lips just knowing
that we are home.

“Good thing you have a six car garage, Slade,” Josh
teases.

“Yeah,” Slade answers as he pulls a box out.

I smile looking over at Ruby, I’m going to give
Nadia a break and drive her this week.

“You should sell the Z, sis.” I look over at Courtney,
giving her a death glare. Is she crazy? Why would I sell my car?

“I was thinking the same thing on the way here,”
Slade agrees, shocking me even more.

“What?” I stare at Slade in horror.

He shrugs. “You don’t need it, and you drive the
truck everywhere anyway,” he says as he sets a box down over in the corner.

“So.” I put my hands on my hips, like that’s a good
enough reason not to sell her.

“It’s not safe.” He walks over to me, placing his
hands around my waist.

“But I—”

“I don’t like you driving it, you will be much
safer in the Tahoe or the truck.” He bends down to kiss me.

Before his lips even touch mine, I pull away from
him and stomp into the house. I want to scream. What the fuck is everyone’s
problem?

You should sell your mom’s house, Sam!

You should sell your car, Sam!

Why do they want me to give everything up?

I go to the kitchen, pull out a bottle of wine, and
don’t even bother grabbing a glass. I march straight to the bathroom, taking my
frustration out as I yank my clothes off of me and get into a hot bubble bath.
I relax back into the water and take a drink from the bottle.

I know it’s just a car and that getting rid of it
shouldn’t be a big deal, but it is to me. I feel like they are trying to get me
to let go of everything from my past. I was so excited that I had bought myself
a new car. Though, I felt as if buying that car with the money my dad had left
me meant I was accepting his death, and that was hard for me to swallow. I
guess that’s why I’m so attached to it.
Now they want me to sell it. I want to move in with Slade, but if I sell my car,
I will not have anything left that is just
mine
. The car symbolizes a
time in my life when I was actually happy.

He wants me to drive the Tahoe. I frown at that
thought because that car will forever remind me of my mother. Hell, I’m already
going to see her ashes every day. I close my eyes tightly as I feel my throat
close up. How much torture does he want to put me through? He keeps telling me
it’s okay to be sad, to grieve the loss of her, but I don’t want a life of
sadness.

I open my eyes and tears spill down my cheeks. I
take a big gulp of the wine. Everything is falling apart in my life, including
me, and I feel that everyone else has noticed it, too.

I will sell my car, if that is what he wants me to
do. I will drive the Tahoe, if that’s what will make him happy. I don’t want
him to second-guess me, to think that I’m not capable of going on with my life.

I gulp down another good-sized drink from the wine
bottle, using the back of my hand to wipe off the extra that had run down the
side of my mouth.

I hear the doorknob turn on the bathroom door.
“Angel?”

“Yes?” I acknowledge, but don’t turn around and
look at him. I notice I’ve done that a lot in the past few days. I’m tired of looking
at his eyes, tired of how sad they look for me.

“I was just coming to check on you.” He kneels down
beside the tub.

“I’m fine.” I tilt back the bottle, taking a small
drink. I don’t want him concerned that I’m going to become an alcoholic on top
of everything else.

“I see.” I can tell by his tone that he does not
approve of the wine bottle in my hand. He takes in a deep breath. “Selling the Z,
it’s the right thing—”

I cut him off. “Sell it.” God that was painful to
say. It’s just one more thing in my life that I have to get rid of. I feel like
I have to do whatever he wants to prove that I’m still the same strong girl he
met.

He places his hand on my face to make me to look at
him. He doesn’t say anything as he brings his lips to mine and gives me a soft
kiss. He backs away and stands up.

I hear him taking his clothes off, and then the
water to his sink comes on for a few minutes. Once he turns it off, he leaves
the bathroom.

I place the bottle of wine on the windowsill, not
wanting to drink any more. I need to quit drinking, it’s not going to help my problems,
and I sure as hell don’t want to add another thing for Slade to worry about. I
sink down a little more into the water as I start to cry. I don’t really know
what I’m crying about. I just have an anxious feeling deep in my gut, one I
can’t quite put my finger on. I feel like I’m fighting a battle that I’m not
going to win but I just keep telling myself that I can do this. I have a
chance. How do I fight something though, when I don’t know exactly what it is?
Can my love be enough to keep us together, when everything else seems to be
falling apart?

CHAPTER EIGHT

I pull my ear away from the
door and walk to the bed. I sit down and run a hand through my hair. She’s in
there crying and I don’t know what to do. I told her it was okay to tell me how
she felt. She either doesn’t believe me or she doesn’t want me to know she’s
upset. Either way, I want her to lean on me, but I don’t want to push her. I’ve
always had that fear when it came to me and Angel. That she would think I’m
suffocating her and it would drive her away.

I stand up from the bed and get under the covers. I
grab my phone from the nightstand and text Josh.

Me:
Let that guy know Angel’s car is for
sale.

He and I had talked on the phone during our drive
back to St. Louis. He told me he knew a guy that would love to buy her car. It
was perfect. She doesn’t need that car. She has plenty of others to drive. She
hasn’t driven that car in weeks, and it just isn’t safe.

Josh:
You sure she wants to sell it?
Because I know he will buy it.

Me:
Yes.

Josh:
Okay, I will call him tomorrow.

I set my phone down and lie back, resting a hand
under my head. Well, that is one thing good to go. I also think she should quit
her job and just take some time off to relax. I know customers at work hassle
her. She has complained several times about women who have mentioned me, or men
that have tried to grab her ass. I think she needs to eliminate all the negative
stuff from her life.

She walks out of the bathroom naked and comes to
lie down next to me. She turns over, facing away from me without saying a word.

I roll over and kiss her shoulder. “Good night,
Angel,” I whisper.

“Good night, Slade.”

Her voice still sounds small and heartbroken. I
hate this feeling, the feeling of being lost.

I close my eyes and take a deep breath, knowing it’s
going to be another night of tossing and turning.

I wake up and roll out of
bed leaving Angel to sleep. It’s Sunday and I have a lot to do if I want to
move her belongings over here today. I don’t want to waste any time, and I
don’t know how next week will go at work. It could be laid back or I could get
two new clients and be busy. It would just be better to get her stuff over here
today. It is mainly just her furniture, all of her other things are pretty much
already here.

I send a quick text to the guys then I get ready.
By the time I am dressed, they have both texted me saying they would meet me in
an hour at her house.

I lean down and kiss my sleeping angel, before grabbing
her keys and heading out.

I sit at the kitchen island
pushing pancakes around on my plate. I don’t know why I even made them. I’m not
hungry. I don’t know where Slade is. I’d woken up and found myself alone. For
some reason that didn’t bother me. I feel like I can actually think when I’m
alone. Think about how my past has been and how I want my future to go. Is it
wrong for me to want happiness? It seems everyone feels that way.

As I look down and shove some more food around, I
hear the garage door open.

A few minutes later I watch as Slade walks in
followed by Josh and they are carrying my couch.
What the hell?

I walk around the kitchen and stop in the hallway,
looking into the living room.

“What is that doing here?” I know that is a stupid
question, but I felt it needed to be asked.

“Hey, Angel.” Slade smiles as he sets his end of the
couch down in the middle of the living room. “We got the furniture from your
house,” he replies, then turns around, picking up his brown couch. “Well, not
all of it. We still have another trip to make.”

I stand there looking at my couch as Slade and Josh
haul his brown one down to the basement.

Micah walks in carrying one of my end tables and a
lamp. His smile drops when I don’t return it.

“You didn’t know we were moving your stuff today?”
he asks with a blank expression.

I shake my head slowly. Slade and Josh sprint up
the stairs. Slade looks at me and smiles. I just stare at him. Why didn’t he
tell me about this?

I walk past all of them, grab Slade’s arm and drag him
back to our bedroom.

Once inside, I shut the door behind me. “What’s
wrong, Angel?”

“Why didn’t you tell me you were going to move my
stuff today?”

“I figured we would get it over with. The guys said
they would help me since I didn’t want to do it during the week.”

I turn around and run a hand through my hair. Why
is he doing all this stuff without asking me first? Am I not supposed to get mad?
Because I’m actually pretty pissed.

“Wait, are you mad?” he asks, surprised.

I shake my head fast as I start to bite on my
thumbnail.

“Yes, you are,” Slade says. “Why are you mad?”

“Why didn’t you tell me you were moving my stuff in
today? We haven’t even discussed where we are going to put it!”

“I know you don’t like all the browns. So I figured
I would leave your things in the living room and move my stuff down to the
basement.”

I release a sigh, not going to argue with that,
because that is actually really nice of him.

I hear a knock on the door and go to open it.

“Slade.” Josh stands there with his phone in his
hand. “It’s Kip.” He holds the phone out to Slade.

Slade takes it and starts talking to this Kip guy.
“Who’s Kip?” I ask Josh.

“The guy that’s buying your car.” He beams proudly.

“What?” I bark, causing him to jump.
He already
has someone to buy my car?
It hasn’t even been twenty-four hours since I
agreed with him that I would sell it.

“Yeah. I can have it ready by tomorrow.” I turn to
face Slade. He is watching me closely as he talks to Kip on the phone.

I pull my cell out of my back pocket and text
Holly.

Me:
Do you need any help at work today?

She texts back immediately.

Holly:
Always
J

I walk over and shut myself in the closet. I pull
my shirt up over my head then grab my work shirt off its hanger. I put it on
and slip on a pair of tennis shoes. I have an hour before the shift starts, but
I don’t mind going in early. I just want to be busy working, and not have to
deal with what is going on in this house.

I walk out of the closet and all three of them are
standing in the bedroom talking.

Slade frowns, looking at me. “You’re going into
work today?”

“Yes, Holly needs help.”

“Can you give us a minute?” he asks Josh and Micah.

“Angel.” He walks up to me, placing his hands on
either side of my face. “You know you can quit your job if you want.”

I just stare at him. Why does he keep throwing
these curve balls at me? “Why would I quit my job?”

“Take some time off.” He rubs his thumb lightly on
my cheek. “Let yourself grieve.”

If I have to hear that word one more time, I am
going to scream. “I’m going to work.” I walk toward the bedroom door to leave
but then pause. “Thank you for moving my stuff,” I say, as nicely as I can
manage. That really was nice of him to want to help me out. I shouldn’t be mean
to him. It’s not his fault that any of this has happened. I turn into him and
wrap my arms around his waist. I feel his lips on my hair before he speaks.

“I love you.”

I pull away and look up into those beautiful blue
eyes. “I love you too.” I reach up and give him a soft kiss.

“You should leave the bed and the dressers for
Courtney. I think she is going to move into my house.” I know she stayed with
Josh last night, but I also know she won’t move in with him. Courtney likes her
space.

He nods, giving me one last kiss before I pull
away.

I walk out of the house, thanking the guys as I
watch them unload stuff from Nadia.

I slowly get up into the Tahoe, hating the fact
that Slade has used Nadia to move my furniture. I do not want to drive the
Tahoe. I sit there looking out of the windshield at the garage wall in front of
me for a few minutes before I start it up. I’m going to have to get over it
though, that’s life. I put it in reverse and back out of the garage.