Unacceptable (10 page)

One

             
My college years were a blur of studying and partying. The only thing I could say held any significance was meeting Randy, the fraternity guy with the great smile. Meeting him had lifted me off the ground in an instant. And just as quickly, I’d crashed back down to earth the day I found out he hadn't held up his end of the bargain. I’d never realized “until death” would come before kids and old age for us.

              I had always known that his choice to join the military would be difficult for me. When his unit was called, Randall McManus had been whisked away from me only two short months after our vows had been said. He’s taken so much pride in his status as a paratrooper that I’d known he was meant for greatness. He’d held his head a little higher after he’d enlisted two days after he had graduated from college.

              For what felt like forever after Randy died, I was not awake. I’d simply gone through the bare, basic motions of life. Friends and family would stop by to make sure I’d been taking care of myself from time to time. My mom did most of my grocery shopping, and she even got so fed up with my lack of cleanliness that she broke down and hired a maid. Work continued to be the only venture into normalcy I’d been able stomach. Most people stopped calling, texting, or stopping by. It’s sad to say, but I was happier being left alone. I couldn’t handle being bothered, constantly reminded of my ‘sad situation’ and being a continuing source of pity.

Walker was my most frequent visitor, pretty much like clockwork. Every Sunday at noon, I expected to see his bright green eyes light up when I opened my door. He was going through his own process of grief and loss. I think he needed the company as much as I did.

Walker Eastman had been Randy's right-hand man ever since they’d pledged their fraternity. He had even been overseas with Randy when the military-deemed accident happened.  There had been some faulty cables that had snapped when the parachute tried to open. Needless to say, there’d been no condolence letter good enough from the military to cool my anger and sorrow. All of us had come hurtling down to earth that day. Walker was the only one who never said the wrong thing or pressured me into talking. I welcomed his company warmly, to my surprise. Mostly we just sat, drank coffee, and watched TV—simple yet perfect.

When I finally coaxed my eyes to open, I read eleven thirty on my alarm clock and sighed, looking at all of the pamphlets from all of the different organizations supposed to help me with my grief.  I rolled my eyes and shoved them out of my mind, allowing myself to ignore them for a little bit longer. Knowing that Walker would be showing up sooner than I wanted, I fought through my down comforter to find my phone.
Maybe he won't mind missing one visit.
I really was not in the mood for cheering up that morning.

Once my phone was finally in my hand, I fumbled through my contacts, clicking on his name. Before I could even rethink the call, Walker was on the other end, declining my suggestion for a rain check. Right as I started to protest, I heard my front door slam shut. He hung up as he entered my room, his brawny arms carrying a box of donuts and coffee. I couldn't help but smile, a little relieved that Walker was just as stubborn as I was.

I felt like it was the first time I’d truly opened my eyes in weeks, and to my horror, I realized how disheveled I looked and how messy my room was. My baby blue carpet was almost entirely hidden under dirty clothes. My makeup lined up on top of the dresser was a huge mess, and I hadn’t even made it out of my bed yet. I was wrapped up in the covers with all the pillows thrown on the floor. Randy had always made fun of me for being a ‘pillow tosser’ in my sleep. I wasn’t even allowed to have beverages on my nightstand for fear of knocking them off in the middle of the night.

I cringed with shame from the mess and my wretched appearance. "Walker, I'm not even dressed. I'm sure I look like hell!” I shrieked, diving back under my blanket. I was in one of Randy’s old Army shirts and basketball shorts, makeup still on from the night before and smudged all over my eyes. My dark brown hair must have looked like a lion’s mane, a tangled mess. I felt it half matted to the side of my face.

I could hear Walker’s deep Southern drawl through the comforter. "Come on, Mags, I've seen you at your worst. Trust me, you look like an angel compared to a few months ago."

The time Walker referred to was our darkest hours that we’d just started to break away from. The few months prior had been riddled with sleepless nights and bedridden days; we were both walking dead. During that terrible stint, we’d spent a lot of time holding on to each other for dear life, like it was the only thing keeping our world from shattering around us.

He climbed onto the foot of my king-sized bed, handed me my black coffee, and set out the food carefully. "How about breakfast in bed and a movie?" He pulled
Almost Famous
out of his jacket pocket and tossed me a smirk. The smell of the bitter coffee made my mood lift a little, and I peeked out from under my blankets.

There is no way I can turn down that smile, my favorite movie, and breakfast bribery.

"How could I say no to an offer like that?" I jumped out of my bed, tousled my hair a little, attempting to tame it slightly, and put all of the pillows back onto the bed while Walker started the movie and threw his black leather jacket onto the floor.

We climbed under the covers, cuddling down to have an awesome breakfast with good company. Walker’s shoulder cradled my head as I slurped coffee from the plastic lid and let my eyes wander over his muscular, tattooed arms. I had been with him and Randy for almost every one of their ink sessions. I could imagine the swallows on Walker’s chiseled chest that he gotten about a month after we met. He was handsome and tall, and he had an erotic stare that could make any girl wet within seconds. I never knew why he just jumped around from girl to girl, not even able to define monogamy. Randy had always said that being promiscuous was just in Walker’s nature, and I never questioned it further.

It was comforting to have someone fill the other side of the bed. We watched the movie, reciting every line, and munched away on the glazed treats. When the credits started to roll, Walker pulled me to him tighter; he could always tell when the tears were about to start. I breathed in his mix of salty tears and men's cologne, a smell that had become a little too comforting to me recently. We lay silently while the credits played out, the movie soundtrack hushed in the background of our embrace.

When the room went silent, I buried my face into Walker’s chest a little harder. "You'll never know how much it means to me that you come here every week," I choked out, unable to contain my emotions any longer. His thumb battled the tears cascading down my exposed cheek.

Walker’s big green eyes were soft, a look rarely seen from the hard-ass country boy. Knowing that made his kind face and words mean so much more to me. "I'll never miss our Sunday tradition. It's the best part of my week. You still don't know how much it helps me too."

The sincerity of his words spread over Walker’s face, and again, he stunned me. His chiseled jaw line, jet-black hair, and olive skin made his light eyes stand out, and when he was vulnerable to emotion, it made everything that much more handsome.

I knew our time was going to get cut short because of my father-in-law Jim’s birthday party that evening.  Walker had promised Liz, my mother-in-law, that he would help her with the planning and getting everything prepared, but I was not ready for Walker to pull away as quickly as he did.

Breaking our lingering stare, Walker looked over to my clock on my nightstand. "Mags, I got to head out. Liz needs me to pick the cake up for Jim's party tonight…”

As he trailed off, I watched his eyes scan over the pamphlets scattered next to my clock.  Picking a few up, he turned to me with concern and frustration spreading like wildfire across his face, his green eyes darkening and his jaw flexing, burning away the loving glare I was enjoying so much. “Mags.” He sighed and shook his head for a moment. “You promised.”

I gaped at him, taking the pamphlets out of his hand.  I looked down at a few terrible titles like, ‘How to Cope with the Loss of a Spouse’ and ‘It’s Okay to Grieve,’ suddenly feeling like I was going to lose my breakfast. I took the lot of them and shoved them away in the drawer of my nightstand.

“Yeah, I know…but I just want to do this on my own. Don’t worry, I set up an appointment with someone.” I faked a smile, and it seemed like enough of an answer for Walker.

He stood up and stretched. “All right. As long as you’re taking care of yourself, I’m happy. See you tonight?”

Trying to push away my frustration, I let my mind wander back to our relaxing morning. "Tell Liz I'll be there at eight unless she needs help with anything."

"Okay, I'll let her know." And with a quick kiss to my forehead, he was out the door. I hated watching anyone walk away from me. Being alive was hard enough, but alone, it was almost unbearable. As Walker shut my front door, I curled up in a ball on my bed and let hot tears pour again from my aching eyes.

The thought of having to spend time with a large group of people that night was almost too overwhelming. I longed to run away and hide from life for the rest of the day. It was a terrible coping mechanism I had developed, but it was effective. I cried harder when I figured there was no escape from our plans and buried my face deep into my pillow.

Randy had grown up down the street from where we’d ended up purchasing our home. He had always said that family needed to be close for when our kids were growing up. Now, silently I thanked him for forcing me into this house five minutes from the in-laws, because I needed them as a different type of support system than expected. Orlando had really turned into home for me. My heart had died there, and I was determined to revive it there eventually. It was what Randy would have wanted. He would have been so happy to know that my mom moved had here to help take care of me and that Walker had stayed, too.

"A support system is important, Mags. It doesn’t always have to be you against the world, ya know."

              My phone buzzed in my hand, bringing me back from my pity party and daydreams of my husband. I looked down to find a message from my mother-in-law, Liz:

Don't worry. Walker and I are taking care of everything. See you at eight.

              I sighed, rubbed my eyes, and dragged myself out of bed. The clock said six, and even though I could walk to their house, I figured I needed the extra time to start putting effort into my appearance since it had been so long since I’d cared what I looked like. I made my way into the bathroom and let the water get boiling hot while I sat on the toilet, waiting.

My mind tripped back to my amazing in-laws and how important they had become to me, especially with the terrible situation we found ourselves in. Liz and Jim McManus had been more than just in-laws to me ever since Randy and I had first started dating, and I owed it to them to put on a brave face. Even though they’d lost their son, they had been so instrumental in bringing me through my grief that I worried they hadn’t had the chance they deserved to grieve themselves. The shame made it difficult to even look into their eyes most of the time. It was unbearable to walk around with all the different forms of guilt inside me. I knew I had to get better for everyone’s sake.

Today can be the beginning of a brand new start.

As I got into the shower, I could hear Randy's voice. "I married one hell of a woman, you know that, baby?" I smirked as I massaged shampoo into my scalp. Those are the memories I never got used to being reminded of. All of the little things he would to do to make sure I knew he loved me, that he belonged to me. I wished I had told him more how much they’d meant, how much he’d meant to me.

I miss you so much it hurts
.

The hot water rushed over my pink skin while steam floated out over the curtain. I stood, holding myself, letting the water run over my body for a few moments before mustering up the courage to step onto the cold tile floor.

Without even drying myself, I tossed my hair up in one towel and then wrapped another around my dripping body. Looking in the mirror over my sink, I was disgusted at the black, puffy circles around my eyes and how hollow my cheekbones were.

Skulking back into my room, shuffling my feet along my fluffy carpet, I grabbed my makeup and turned on my flat iron. I sat cross-legged on the floor in front of the closet door mirror and began to apply eyeliner.

This had become a habit from the first time I’d slept over at Randy's room in the fraternity house. I would always take my shower first, and while I got ready, Randy would wash up. The only place for me to be able to do my primping had been on his floor, sitting Indian-style in front of a full-length mirror propped up against the wall. Randy had bought for me after I’d complained about not being able to do makeup in a fogged-up mirror.

Once my eyes were just the perfect blend of smoky gray and black, my natural curls burned into submission, I took one last look at myself in the mirror, again disgusted with my appearance. I still felt like an empty shell. It was terrible to see on my face. The lack of sleep, improper nutrition, and guilt had started to take a noticeable toll. I grabbed my blush and bronzer, blending my cheeks more to hide my uncharacteristically pale skin. One last look in the mirror, I closed my makeup kit.
This is going to have to do.
Makeup can only hide so much
.