Un-Shattering Lucy (The Lucy & Harris Novella Series) (Volume 4) (18 page)

“I-I-I’d say I’m sorry, but you’re here and I couldn’t be sorry if my life depended on it.” I leaned into him, breathing in deep so that my lungs were full of only the scent of him. I wanted to bottle that scent so I never had to be without it. “I…I’ve miss you so much,” I sobbed, unable to hold it back a moment longer.

All the tension seemed to fade from his body and his arms tightened around me. Lifting me into his arms, he glanced around. “Which way to your room?” I pointed toward my closed bedroom door and he wasted no time carrying me inside.

Using his foot to close the door behind us, he paused only long enough to lock the door before turning toward the bed. When he stopped and frowned down at my bed, I followed his gaze and grimaced when I saw the mess of books and notes spread around everywhere. With a deep chuckle, he sat me in the chair by my desk and then cleaned off the bed.

“I see you’ve been hard at work, sweetness.” He set the stack of books and notes on my desk, then scooped me back up into his arms.

I cupped his face in my hands, noting the beard and realized that he hadn’t shaved in several days. “So have you,” I said softly, tracing the scruff over the dimple in his right cheek and then the left. “You look exhausted. Is everything going okay with the club?”

“The club is fine. I’ve already gotten the York situation handled and over with. I haven’t slept well since I left you, though. It’s hard to fall asleep when I don’t have you in bed beside me.” He lowered his head and nuzzled my ear with his nose. “Fuck, I’ve missed you.”

“I missed you, too.”

“Still love me?”

My eyes widened. “You’re an idiot. I’ll love you for the rest of my life. Nothing will ever change that. Nothing.”

“Thank God,” he whispered and slowly lowered me onto my bed. Kicking off his shoes, he followed me down, wrapping his warm body around mine and laying his head on my pillow. “I want to make love to you right now, but I think I need to hold you more.”

“So hold me.” I wrapped my arms around his waist and buried my face in his chest. “Hold me and never let go.”

Chapter 20

Harris

I slept peacefully for the first time in a month that night.

I’d been working my ass off handling all the shit that Peyton had stirred up and had thankfully avoided the bad publicity of a lawsuit from Greg York. It had helped, of course, having the proof from the many cameras throughout my club that had caught York being just as antagonistic to the two guys who had jumped him as they had been to him. He’d gotten in a few good hits of his own, and once my lawyer had convinced him that the jail time he could face should the other guys press their own charges against him for throwing the first punch, he’d dropped all legal actions against First Bass.

That had taken up most of my time over the last four weeks, but it hadn’t been enough to distract me from missing Lucy. The highlight of my days had been getting to talk to her, so when she hadn’t picked up her phone at all the day before, I’d lost my mind. I didn’t know what was going on with her. Was she pissed at me? Had I done something to upset or hurt her? Was she okay?

I hadn’t known and I’d jumped on the first plane to D.C., not even caring that I’d left First Bass in the middle of the Friday night crowd with only Nate to take over. I knew Nate could handle it, but even if he couldn’t it wouldn’t have mattered. First Bass would always come second to Lucy.

Always.

Now, as I savored waking up with her tucked so close to me and sleeping so soundly, I took my time letting my eyes feast on every single part of her. Her thick, curly hair was rumpled and had fallen half into her face. I carefully pushed it back, wanting to see her beautiful face. She had the slightest dusting of freckles across her nose from all the sun we’d gotten while at the beach and in Orlando. I took my time counting each one of them before moving lower.

She was wearing one of my old shirts that I’d left her as well as a pair of old running shorts. She wasn’t wearing a bra, and I could see that her nipples were already beaded into little diamonds even in her sleep. I wanted to wake her up by licking those pretty nipples. Wanted to take my time and taste every part of her. Unable to not touch her, I lifted a hand and skimmed my fingers from her shoulder to her wrist, trying to fight the need to touch other places.

Reaching her wrist, I felt the familiar leather of her bracelet and slowly started unsnapping it. I hadn’t seen the ink that matched my own in forever and I wanted to trace my fingers over it. My own tattoo had brought me a little peace during my time without her. Knowing that she had the same ink meant we would always be connected through it.

Carefully pulling the bracelet off, I was surprised to find a Band-Aid. Concerned and more than a little curious, I slowly turned her wrist over. The room was dim from the sun trying to shine through the half-closed blinds, but it was enough to make out the tattoo.

Or what was left of it.

My stomach roiled with nausea as I counted the little scars on her wrist and then traced over the angry-looking puckered one that was thicker and longer than the others. At first I couldn’t make sense of what I was looking at, but slowly realization started to dawn on me and my blood turned ice cold.

I didn’t want to admit that what I was seeing and thinking were true, but it was hard not to believe it when the truth was so blaringly obvious.

My head started to spin as dread filled me to my bones.

Had Lucy really been hurting herself?

I knew it was a possibility but prayed it wasn’t the truth. I’d always thought Lucy was the strongest person I’d ever known. Even with all the things she’d been through with her biological father I’d thought she had learned to cope. She’d gone to a therapist and I’d been there for her to talk to whenever she needed me. She didn’t need to harm herself.

Just thinking of her doing that to herself, being so lost in her pain that she needed to resort to that kind of release, was like being punched in the chest. I didn’t want to believe it. I didn’t want to admit it was even a possibility.

But even as I tried to deny it, my gut was yelling at me that it was the reality.

My thumb skimmed over the puckered flesh and as I looked closer I saw what could only be the marks from stitches.

Stitches.

Lucy sighed in her sleep and shifted beside me, but I didn’t release her wrist. Her eyes slowly fluttered open and she smiled up at me so happily that it broke my heart. How could my happy girl do this to herself?

But she hadn’t been happy months ago, had she? I’d sent her away. I’d hurt her.

Seeing the look on my face, she started to open her mouth, but quickly snapped it closed when she realized what I was doing. She sat up in bed, trying to pull her arm free, but I couldn’t let her go. If I did, she would hide and deny it, and even though I wanted to deny it myself, I couldn’t let that happen.

“What is this?” I tried to keep my voice quiet and calm, but it shook a little as I forced her to hold my gaze. “What are these scars from, Lucy?”

I saw the guilt and shame that flashed in her eyes before she lowered her lashes, effectively locking me out. “They’re nothing,” she said in a voice completely devoid of all emotion.

“Nothing.” I nodded and reached for the Band-Aid. Before she could stop me, I pulled it off, exposing a fresh cut that was still trying to bleed. “When did you do this?” She didn’t answer, and I tightened my hold on her wrist just enough to make her know I wasn’t going to drop this. “When?”

Her chin lowered and she closed her eyes tightly. “Last night,” she whispered in a voice that sounded nothing like my Lucy. “I…I tried not to, but…” She shrugged. “I couldn’t stop myself.”

If I had been standing, I knew I would have fallen to my knees at her answer.

Yesterday.

“Why?”

“I…” She broke off, swallowed hard several times, and tried again. “I couldn’t breathe. Missing you, wanting to be home with you…It all became too much. I just needed to breathe. This…I-It helps.”

Tears burned my throat, but I couldn’t let them fill my eyes. I needed to keep a clear head while I tried to figure this all out. “Have you been doing this long?” She didn’t answer. “Did it start after January?” Had I caused this? Was our breakup all those months ago what had triggered this need to harm herself?

Still she remained quiet, but I could tell from the set of her shoulders that there was more to this than just what had happened with Tessa and the ensuing aftermath. “Lucy… please, talk to me. I need to understand what and why…”

A single tear fell from her closed lashes and spilled onto her cheek. “It started when I was twelve,” she confessed, completely knocking the air out of my chest.

Christ, how had I never suspected?

Six years.

Six fucking years she had been doing this to herself and no one had known? I knew if her parents had known she would have gotten help by now. Jesse and Layla wouldn’t have allowed this to continue. Her arm wouldn’t have been all scarred up…

But her arm hadn’t been scarred up when we’d gotten the matching ink. I’d never seen any marks on her body that would even suggest that she was self-harming. Not one little scratch.

“Where else, Lu?” I asked, still trying to keep my voice calm, but failing. Fuck, I was terrified. I couldn’t help her if I didn’t know all of it. “Where are the other scars?”

Slowly, she lifted her legs and when she showed me the bottom of her feet, I wasn’t able to hold the tears back a second longer. Dear God. All those little scars. Some on her heels, a few on the balls of her feet, but the majority were under her toes. Seeing those scars scared the living fuck out of me.

She could have really hurt herself. What if she’d killed herself? What if she’d gone too deep and hit something important and I had lost her? Fuck, what if the next time she did something like this, it took her away from me forever?

“I know I must disgust you,” she spoke in a voice choked with her own tears. “I’ve tried to stop so many times…but I can’t seem to help myself. Things get so intense and I
have
to. I-I understand if you don’t…if you can’t…” A sob broke free and she hung her head in shame. “I’d understand.”

I lifted my hands, cupping her face and forcing her to look at me. “Nothing would ever make me stop loving you,” I told her fiercely and a few tears spilled down my face. How could she not see that my love for her didn’t see the scars as anything but scary, because I could have been forced to live without her for the rest of my life if she’d gone too far? Nothing, not one damn thing, terrified me more than the thought of a life without her in it. “I’m just trying to wrap my head around it. Trying to block out all the pictures of what could have happened if you’d killed yourself while doing this.”

“I’d never…” She shook her head, her tears falling faster. “I’ve never wanted to kill myself, Harris. Never. The cutting has only ever been a way to help me cope.” She tried to lower her eyes again, but I refused to let her. “I know it’s wrong. I hate myself for doing it.”

“You need help, sweetness.”

“I know,” she whispered brokenly. “I know.”

I pulled her against me then, wrapping her so tightly against me that I knew she probably had trouble breathing, but I was unable to stop myself. My hands shook as I held on for dear life, terrified I would lose her if I didn’t. “Will you let me help you?”

I didn’t know how I would do it, but I had to try. I had to get her some help because I couldn’t live without her, and I knew even if she didn’t have a death wish, cutting was dangerous. She could mistakenly hit something vital and I’d lose her.

Her eyes widened in surprise. “You…You want to help me? I thought... I thought you wouldn’t want to be with me if you ever found out.”

“Never. You’re my everything, and I’m not ever letting you go. Nothing will ever stop me from being with you. Nothing.” Her tears started flowing faster. I caught one with my thumb and wiped it away. “I love you, Lucy. One day, I’m going to put a ring on your finger and make you my wife. I’ve always known that you were mine and that I was yours. Now, please, let me help you.”

“But what if I can’t be helped?” Genuine fear filled her dark eyes. “What if I’m…unfixable?”

“Then I’ll spend the rest of my life making sure you don’t ever feel the need to hurt yourself again, Lu.” I pushed her hair back from her face and gave her a reassuring smile. “We’ll do this together, sweetness. You don’t have to face it alone. You’ll never have to face anything alone again.”

“H-Harris.” She sobbed and buried her face in my shirt, her hands balling the material into her fists as she held on to me for dear life. I held her like that for a long time, just letting her cry it all out, while I was trying to figure out the first steps we needed to take to get her on the road to the recovery she so desperately needed.

When the tears stopped, I still held her. I had the beginnings of a plan I hoped would set us in the right direction, but I knew it was going to be hard for her. As I stroked her curls and kept her safe in my arms, I started telling her about what I thought we should do.

Lucy didn’t say a word while I told her we needed to call her parents. She didn’t move when I told her I’d call Emmie and we could all sit down and make the right decisions that would be best for her. It was only after I’d finished speaking that she lifted her head and looked at me.

“Will you be there with me?” she asked with a trembling chin.

“I’ll be right here beside you the entire time, Lucy.” There was no way in hell I was leaving her now.

First Bass could burn to the ground for all I cared.

I was exactly where I needed to be.

Nothing else mattered.

Chapter 21

Lucy

He knew. Oh, gods, he knew.

He knew and he was still there.

Harris knew my deepest, darkest, most shameful secret and he was still right there beside me. Telling me that he loved me.

How the hell can he still love me after finding out what I do to myself?