Ultimate Prizes (3 page)

“This was a great garden in Bishop Jardine’s day,” I said as we sat down on the ancient bench by the river-bank. “But when the gardeners went into the Army Dr. Ottershaw had no alternative but to sanction a wilderness.”

“
Much
more exciting! I think the garden in Tennyson’s
Maud
could have been a wilderness, all tangled and steamy and exotic—”

“I wouldn’t have thought a modern young woman like you would be interested in Victorian literature.”

“It was the only thing our stupid governess knew about.”

“You never went to school?”

“No, and if I had I’m sure I’d have run away and begun my outrageous society life much earlier—with the result that I’d now be worn out. In fact if I’d been the heroine of a Victorian novel—”

“Oh, you’d have died of consumption by now, no doubt about that,” I said, making her laugh, and we began to talk of all the literary heroines who had paid the price demanded by society for the flouting of convention.

The conversation glided on, just like the river, glinting, glittering, gleaming, a hypnotic pattern coalescing into a unity beneath the white bright slice of the moon. Time glided on too, the time which should have been spent in the drawing-room, and every few minutes I told myself we should return to the house. Yet I never moved. The fairy-tale in which I was travelling had become more clearly defined; I now realised I was enacting the role of a male Cinderella and that when the clock began to strike twelve I would be compelled to flee from my princess, but meanwhile I preferred not to think of those inevitable midnight chimes. I thought instead how amazing it was that I, entombed in my sedate cathedral city, should be enjoying a scintillating dialogue with a society girl, and beyond my amazement lurked the absurd satisfaction that I, Norman Neville Aysgarth, the son of a Yorkshire draper, should be conversing in a palace garden with a millionaire’s daughter who had danced with the former Prince of Wales. I always tried hard not to slide into the repellent snobbery of the social climber, and of course I knew a good clergyman should be quite above such embarrassingly worldly thoughts, but the night was very beautiful and Miss Tallent was very amusing and I was, after all, only human.

The metaphorical midnight arrived so suddenly that I jumped. Far away by the house Charlotte Ottershaw called: “Dido! What have you done with Neville?” and I saw my fairytale draw to a close.

“I’ve ravished him!” yelled Miss Tallent, and added crossly to me: “What a bore! Now we’ll have to return to the drawing-room.”

“And I must be getting home.” In my imagination I heard Cinderella’s clock relentlessly chiming the hour.

“Must you? Already? But why?”

The moment had come. I had reached the point in the fairytale when Cinderella had been reclothed in her rags after her unforgettable night at the ball. “Miss Tallent,” I said, “I’m sorry, I should have told you earlier, but I’m hardly at liberty nowadays to keep late hours with charming young ladies. I have a wife waiting for me at my vicarage. We’ve been married sixteen years and have five children.”

For one brief moment she stared at me in silence. Then heaving a sigh of relief she exclaimed: “Thank God! Now I shall never have to worry about you pouncing on me, shall I? After all, what could possibly be safer than a married clergyman with five children?”

“What indeed?” I said, smiling at her, and that was the moment when I realised what a prize she was, so clever, so stimulating, so attractive, so rich, so celebrated and—most alluring of all—so utterly beyond my reach. The familiar powerful excitement gripped me; I was always deeply stirred by the sight of a great prize waiting to be won. Then I pulled myself together. This prize at least could never find its way into my collection. There was no other rational conclusion to be drawn. In my politest voice I said: “It’s been a great pleasure to meet you, Miss Tallent. I doubt if our paths will cross again, but I shall certainly pray that you find the happiness you deserve.”

“Don’t be silly!” She was aghast. “Isn’t it patently obvious that our paths are already divinely interwoven? As soon as you told me at the dinner-table that I was heroic I knew God had sent you to my rescue! Now look here. I want to begin a meaningful new life: I want to be good, I want to be wise, I want to be
Christian
. You can’t just say blithely: ‘I doubt if our paths will cross again,’ and sail away into the night! Of course I know how busy you must be and naturally I wouldn’t want to take up too much of your time, but if you could just write me a little spiritual note occasionally—”

“But my dear Miss Tallent—”

“You see, I feel I’ve reached the time of life when I simply must have a spiritual adviser. You can write and explain God to me—oh, and you must tell me all about Professor Raven and Bishop Bell and Archbishop Temple and all the really
vital
people whom I ought to know about—and that reminds me, talking of vital people, I’d simply adore to meet your wife. May I call at the vicarage tomorrow?”

I cleared my throat. “How kind of you to offer, but unfortunately my wife’s unwell at present. That’s why she didn’t accompany me this evening.”

“What a pity! But perhaps next time I’m in Starbridge—”

“I’m sure she’d be delighted to meet you,” I said, diplomacy personified, but I already knew that Grace wouldn’t care for Miss Dido Tallent at all.

4

No doubt I have now succeeded in conveying the impression that I’m a sex-obsessed, claret-mad, world-fixated ecclesiastic who deserves to be defrocked without delay. One always runs the risk of creating a false impression when one sets out for the purest of motives—honesty and humility—to portray oneself “warts and all”; the warts have a habit of commandeering the artist’s canvas. Let me now try to redress the balance.

First, I doubt if I’m more obsessed by sex than the average man. I admit this mythical “man on the Clapham omnibus,” as the lawyers call him, probably spends too much time thinking about sex, but the point I’m trying to make is that I doubt if I’m in any way abnormal when I meet an attractive woman and find myself picturing gleaming thighs. Nor need these harmless fantasies signify a tendency to immoral behaviour. A childhood spent among ardent chapel-goers ensured that I learnt early in life about the wages of sin, and out of an acute desire to avoid these terrible deserts I later acquired immense self-control in sexual matters. As a young man I was earnest, idealistic and chaste (more or less; one really can’t expect adolescent boys not to masturbate). Grace had been my first and indeed my only woman—apart from a disastrous lapse before my marriage when I had been an undergraduate up at Oxford. Embarrassment prevents me from disclosing much about this incident, so I shall only say that it followed my introduction to champagne and that the female was a shop assistant at Woolworth’s. From that day to this I can never cross the threshold of any branch of Woolworth’s without experiencing a small secret shiver of shame.

The truth is that on moral issues I hold views which are currently held to be old-fashioned. I believe fornication is degrading to women, who should be treated with the utmost reverence as befits their unique contribution to humanity as wives and mothers. Adultery I look upon not merely as a moral error but as a crime, breaking sacred promises, destroying trust, poisoning love, wrecking the lives not only of the guilty but of the innocent. Sex is like dynamite. If it is used in the right place and at the right time the results can be beneficial, but unless the proper regulations are observed there can only be a disastrous explosion. Those people who indulge in sexual activity as casually as they would down a couple of cocktails are always the sort of people who would find it amusing to play with matches in a bomb-factory. As a clergyman I would be guilty of a most un-Christian lack of charity if I bounded around yelling “Stupid!” at all these fools, but I do find it an effort sometimes to treat the perpetrators of such mindless incidents—as a Modernist I won’t use that Victorian word “sinners”—with compassion.

My strict attitude to sexual license extends to the human race’s other pastime which causes so much trouble: drink. The Primitive Methodists of my childhood used to thunder away on that subject with as much verve as they devoted to sexual immorality, so it was hardly surprising that I became a most abstemious young man. In fact my catastrophic initiation into the pleasures of champagne up at Oxford shocked me so much that not another drop of alcohol passed my lips until the day I told Uncle Willoughby that I was going into the Church, but contrary to what the preachers had always proclaimed, this benign brush with whisky failed to consign me to perdition. I was much too poor to afford whisky regularly, and moreover as soon as I became a clergyman I knew I had to be careful in my drinking habits. Successful clergymen never drank spirits. Even as time passed and my tastes became more sophisticated I always made it a rule to drink moderately, and although I concede that on the evening of my meeting with Dido I bent this rule by tossing off an extra glass of port, this was an exceptional, not a commonplace, lapse.

I never drink twice a day. I do smoke, I admit, but never in public and only in my bedroom, usually after sexual intercourse. I like eating, but only wholesome food such as roast beef and Yorkshire pudding. I was brought up to believe that frivolous snacks, such as chocolate, stimulated the sin of gluttony and constituted an unforgivable extravagance. It was only when I was a young man courting Grace that I finally dredged up the nerve—and the money—to rebel against this austerity. I took Grace to the cinema and bought a box of chocolates. I can still remember the fearful guilty thrill of watching Clara Bow oozing “It” as I sank my teeth into a sumptuous peppermint cream.

Now, no doubt, I’ve created the impression that I’m not a rake worthy of defrocking but a prig worthy of a kick on the bottom. How hard it is to get the balance of a self-portrait right! Let me stress that I try very hard not to be priggish. Christ came into this world to be at one with us, not to stand apart and look down his nose at our antics, and as a Liberal Protestant who believes strongly in the centrality of Christ I can hardly ignore the example he set. Certainly, despite my strict views on morality, I never feel morally superior. How can I, when every time I pass a branch of Woolworth’s I remember that I’m as prone to error as anyone else? Moreover, although I have strict moral standards I don’t consider myself strait-laced, and I suggest that anyone who does consider me a trifle on the sober side has no idea what being strait-laced is all about.

Being strait-laced, as anyone brought up among strict Non-Conformists knows, means not only spurning extra-marital sex, chocolates and the demon drink but avoiding the theatre, the cinema, the wireless, playing-cards and novels. I have insufficient time and money to go often to the cinema or the theatre nowadays, but I enjoy playing cards with the children and I never miss the broadcast of
I
.
T.M.A.
, that most perfect of comedy programmes. I also read modern novels for relaxation. I may not read about sex in the
News of the World;
that would be dabbling with prurient trash. But I do read about sex in the work of D. H. Lawrence; that, I submit with all due respect, is keeping abreast of modern literature.

Grace enjoyed reading in the old days, but by 1942 her life as an archdeacon’s wife and the mother of five children barely allowed her enough time to open a book. At this point I must state unequivocally that Grace was the most wonderful woman in the world and the best possible wife for a clergyman and I adored her. I do want to make that absolutely clear. For sixteen years we had enjoyed the most perfect married life without a single cloud marring the marital sky. At least, if I’m to be entirely accurate, I have to admit little wisps of cloud did occasionally appear but they seldom lasted long. Even the most perfect marriages have to suffer little wisps occasionally. One is, after all, obliged to exist in real life and not between the pages of a romantic novel.

Garnishing my perfect marriage, like gilt lavishly bestowed upon the gingerbread, were my perfect children. I know that as their parent I may be judged hopelessly prejudiced, but people outside the family did constantly comment on my offspring’s good looks, good manners, high intelligence and remarkable charm, so I venture to suggest I can’t be entirely deluding myself. Needless to say, it was a matter of the very greatest satisfaction to me that I had succeeded in winning two of the ultimate prizes of life: a perfect marriage and a perfect family.

Now I suppose I sound smug, worthy of another kick on the bottom, so let me add honestly that family life did have its ups and downs. However the problems never seemed insuperable and the children never seemed intolerable. My favourite was Primrose, whom I thought quite beautiful, although I know men always view their daughters through rose-tinted spectacles, particularly when they have only one daughter to view. Grace and I had called her Primrose in memory of the first flower I had given Grace many years before at St. Leonards-on-Sea, the genteel resort on the Sussex coast where my mother had spent her widowhood in the company of my sister, Emily. My brother, Willy, and I had never lived at St. Leonards; we had been boarded out in London in order to receive our education, but three times a year, at Christmas, Easter and in the summer, Uncle Willoughby had given us the money for the train journey to Sussex, and it was on one of these seaside holidays that I had met Grace, who was visiting cousins. I was seventeen; she was two years younger. When I gave her the primrose she kept it, pressed it, framed it and finally gave it to me on our wedding night seven years later. Even now the memento still hung over our bed. In view of this flagrant—but not, I suggest to any revolted cynic, unusual—sentimentality, it was hardly surprising that we should have decided to call our first daughter Primrose, and finally, after the advent of Christian, Norman and James, Primrose made her grand entrance into the world. Our perfect family was now complete. All that remained for me to do was to work out how I was going to pay for the public school education of three sons.