Two For Joy (46 page)

37

‘Noreen, you really should tell him, it's not fair on the chap, and you have to tell Rajiv as well,' Kay said firmly.

Noreen groaned. ‘I know, Kay, I know. I just can't bring myself to.'

‘Get it over and done with. Invite Oliver over if you want to. If it would be easier for you.'

‘No, I'm not imposing on you any more, Kay. I'm going to get a place of my own very soon. I know I've been putting it off. I just seem to be in a fog.' Noreen nibbled on a slice of toast.

‘That's because you need to act decisively. You need to sort out your relationship with Oliver.' Kay poured them another cup of tea.

‘What relationship?' Noreen said wryly.

‘Ah, don't be like that,' Kay admonished. ‘He's a good man.'

‘But even before all this blew up he was never at home. He kills himself working. He'd rather work than spend time with me,' Noreen said mournfully.

‘Don't look at it like that, Noreen,' her friend said patiently. ‘Some men work like that because it's how they define themselves. It's where they get affirmation of who and what they are. It makes them feel good about themselves and when wives and partners nag and moan about it, that drives them to work even harder. It's nothing to do with a lack of love for you. That's the way he is, Noreen, and you have to accept it because you won't change him.'

‘But I'm lonely, Kay, really, really, lonely,' Noreen said quietly.

‘Well, maybe he's not the man for you. But at least tell him the truth and don't have him beating himself up over all that's happened. It's not fair on him.' Kay looked her squarely in the eye.

Noreen smiled. ‘You know you're the straightest person I know and the best friend I've got. I'll book a flight home and tell Oliver face to face. It's the least he deserves.'

‘Do you want me to come with you?'

‘No thanks, Kay. This is something I have to do myself. I got myself into this mess, I have to get myself out of it.'

‘At least you're pregnant,' Kay said gently.

‘I know. It's hard to believe. And I feel so well after only a couple of weeks of morning sickness.' Noreen stretched lazily. ‘I'll see if I can get a flight today. The sooner I get it over with the better.' She glanced at her watch. Nine thirty – she could be back in Kilronan before teatime.

Sitting on the bus as it drove along the quays, five hours later, Noreen yawned tiredly. It had been a day of trains, planes and buses. It had been all go since breakfast. She'd got a flight from Stansted no problem, and had hailed a taxi at Dublin Airport to take her into town. Now, sitting on the Kilronan bus as it made its way out of the city, she started to feel nervous.

How on earth was she going to tell Oliver she was pregnant? It was six weeks since she'd run away to London in a panic and nothing in her life was sorted. She'd talked to him on the phone a few times, but they had been stiff, uncomfortable conversations and she'd felt his resentment and anger at the other end of the line.

Kay was right. She had to tell Oliver everything. It wasn't fair to let him think that their break-up was all his fault. Kay had been such a brick, she reflected as she stared unseeingly out the window. When Noreen had told her that she was pregnant and that Rajiv was the father she'd been stunned. Noreen grinned, remembering the absolute shock on her friend's face. If it wasn't so serious, it would be comical.

‘Right!' she'd said. ‘Right. Now you have to stay here until you decide what you're going to do. Are you going to tell Rajiv you're here?'

‘Not yet,' Noreen groaned. ‘I need to get used to the idea of being pregnant for a while.'

‘Fine, take all the time you need,' Kay ordered and had looked after her like a baby for the past few weeks. They were closer than sisters; she was lucky to have her, Noreen thought drowsily as her head lolled on to her shoulder. She'd heard women talking about the tiredness that could envelop women in early pregnancy, they hadn't been exaggerating, she thought, as she fell asleep.

She slept for the duration of the journey, and woke to find Mrs Larkin, one of her ex-patients, shaking her by the shoulder. ‘Nurse Flynn, Nurse Flynn, wake up, we're just coming into Kilronan,' she urged kindly.

Noreen came to with a start. ‘Where … what … Oh, Mrs Larkin, I must have fallen asleep.'

‘Indeed you did, dear. I got on in Navan and you were sleeping like a baby.'

Noreen blushed. Surely Mrs Larkin couldn't tell she was pregnant!
Don't be ridiculous,
she chided as she sat up straight and ran her fingers through her hair.

‘Were you away? We've missed you in the surgery,' Mrs Larkin inquired chattily.

‘I was,' Noreen smiled.

‘And will Oliver be waiting at the bus for you with that heavy bag?'

‘Aaahhh, I got home earlier than I expected.'

‘I hope he has the house tidy,' chuckled Mrs Larkin. ‘Did you hear young Neil Brennan and Heather Williams broke up? I think she caught him with someone else, her cousin if you don't mind. A right little madam, thought she was too good for the town. She's gone to New York and poor Heather's working in Fred's chipper. Terrible,' she tutted, delighted to be first with the gossip. ‘And Aileen Kelly broke her arm in two places and had to go into a nursing home. And poor Maddy Hill only has a few weeks to live, they took her into hospital and opened her up and she was riddled with cancer,
riddled
with it,' she emphasized, with great relish. ‘Nothing they can do,' she added triumphantly. She delighted in her role as the bearer of bad tidings. In fact the worse they were the more satisfaction she got. She was a sad woman, Noreen thought irritably, imagining the older woman's shock if she suddenly announced that she was pregnant and Oliver was not the father.

The bus pulled into the bus stop and Noreen grabbed her bag and walked purposefully towards the exit, followed closely by Mrs Larkin. ‘Can you manage ther—'

‘I'm fine, Mrs Larkin, take care,' Noreen said crisply and took to her heels as soon as she stepped off the bus. She had no intention of listening to that old gossip for the length of North Road.

Now that she was home, she felt agitated again. And she was hungry. She wondered if Oliver would have anything in the fridge. Maybe she should have phoned him to tell him she was coming home. She took out her mobile and keyed in his number, but got the out-of-range message. ‘Damn,' she muttered. She didn't particularly want to go shopping for groceries. She wanted to get out of sight as quick as possible. She was not in the mood for social chit-chat with neighbours and ex-patients.

It was strange putting the key in the lock when she got home. She felt she had no right and that she was invading Oliver's privacy. She felt most uncomfortable, but she shrugged off the notion and went into the kitchen and put the kettle on. The kitchen was neat and tidy; typical Oliver, she thought fondly, as she rooted in the fridge and found a hunk of cheese and a jar of chutney. She found brown bread in the bread bin and buttered a slice, smeared on some chutney and added a piece of cheese. It would do to tide her over.

She pulled out the freezer drawers and found a couple of salmon steaks. They'd do fine for dinner, if only she could locate Oliver and find out what time he'd be home. She was peeling potatoes when she heard his key in the door. Her heart leapt and she turned and saw the look of astonishment on Oliver's face as he walked into the kitchen.

‘Hello, Oliver,' she said nervously.

‘Hello, Noreen,' he responded warily. He looked wretched, she thought as guilt overwhelmed her. She'd planned to wait until after they'd eaten to tell him but she couldn't keep it to herself a minute longer.

‘Oliver … I … I've something to tell you. And I want you to know I never meant to hurt you in any way. I'm sorry … I'm really sorry.' Her face crumpled and she started to cry.

‘Oh, Noreen,' he groaned. ‘Don't be crying.'

‘Oliver … Oliver, I'm pregnant. I slept with a man when I was in London and I'm pregnant.'

Shock, pain, hurt flitted across his face as he stared at her. The silence stretched taut between them.
Say something,
she willed.

‘Well, you got what you always wanted,' he said eventually. ‘I'm glad that you found a real man,' he added bitterly.

‘Don't say that, Oliver! You
are
a real man. You're the most decent, manly man I've ever met.'

‘So decent that you go behind my back and sleep with someone else, is that it?' he raged.

‘It wasn't like that, Oliver, I swear,' Noreen said heatedly. ‘I was drunk. I was upset about us.'

‘Well, you've a funny way of showing it,' he snarled.

‘Oliver, will you listen to me for a minute. I need to tell you something. I need you to understand why I was so driven to get pregnant. Please, Oliver. This is the hardest thing I've ever done. Please don't judge me,' she pleaded, walking to where he stood and looking up into his eyes.

‘Oliver, before I met you, when I lived in London with that man I told you about, Pete, I had an abortion. I've regretted it every second since. I was tormented with guilt. I kept thinking about the baby, especially around the time it would have been born and at Christmas and when I'd see children playing. I'd try and imagine … imagine…' She broke down sobbing as though her heart would break and Oliver held her, stroking her back, saying nothing, his eyes shadowed with pain.

She managed to compose herself, wiping the tears from her cheeks with the back of her hand. ‘He told me he'd leave me if I didn't have it. I loved him and I was afraid I'd lose him. But I couldn't stay with him after I'd had the termination. I began to hate him for giving me an ultimatum like that. You were so different, Oliver. So kind, so responsible. I knew you'd never treat me badly. I wanted a child so much. I felt if I got pregnant that God would forgive me for what I'd done and give me the chance to be a good mother to another child. When I wasn't getting pregnant I felt it was God's punishment. Oh Oliver, I've been to hell and back these last few years.' She rested her head on his chest and wept again. His arms tightened around her. She looked up at him. There was no anger in his eyes any more or judgement, just pity and sadness, and she rested against him.

‘Why didn't you tell me?' he asked after a while. ‘At least I would have understood.'

‘I couldn't. I was ashamed,' she said simply. ‘Oliver, I'm so sorry I put you under pressure to have a baby. I know I did your head in.'

‘I didn't know what you were going through. I wish I had.'

‘I'm sorry,' she whispered.

‘Did you know the man that you slept with?' he asked hesitantly.

‘He's an old friend.' She buried her face against him.

‘That's good. At least he wasn't a stranger. Have you told him about the baby?'

‘Not yet. I wanted to tell you first.'

‘You don't have to tell him. You don't have to go back to London, you know. Nobody need know that it wasn't mine.'

Noreen wiped her eyes and shook her head. ‘Oliver, love, the whole world will know it's not yours. Rajiv is Indian,' she explained.

‘Oh! Oh!' He couldn't hide his surprise. ‘Well, fuck everybody, it's none of their business,' he said gruffly, and Noreen knew why she loved him.

‘I think it's better for me to stay in London. I think too much has happened for us to be … to be … easy with each other,' Noreen said honestly. ‘You're not a saint, Oliver. You're human, and my child would always be a reminder of what's happened between us.'

‘I'd try,' he said indignantly.

‘I know you would, but Oliver, I don't want you to be miserable. I want you to be really happy in your life. Find someone—'

‘Noreen, I won't be inflicting myself on another woman again, you can rest assured about that,' Oliver retorted.

‘Ah, stop that, Oliver, any woman would be lucky to have you.' Noreen frowned. ‘Don't be like that now.'

‘Just don't hold your breath, Noreen. I'm probably better off on my own.'

‘No, you're not. You need someone in your life and when they come into it, cut down on the work, and share your feelings with them. Don't shut them out.'

‘Did I shut you out?' He was taken aback.

‘Yes, love, you did and it hurt,' Noreen said quietly.

‘I'm sorry, I didn't mean to. I'm just not good at all this emotional stuff,' Oliver scowled.

‘Well, you've had plenty of practice with me,' Noreen said lightly, relieved beyond measure that she had unburdened herself to him.

‘Where will you live?' he asked tiredly.

‘There's plenty of accommodation in London at the moment. Loads of people are buying to let, so rents aren't too high—'

‘Rents! That's money down the drain. You need to buy a place. I'll sell this place and give you half. You're entitled.'

‘You can't do that.' Noreen was shocked.

‘Noreen, I'm not rattling around this place on my own and besides, you have as much of a stake in it as I have. You did all the decorat—'

‘No, Oliver. I couldn't.'

‘Well, you'll just have to take the money, Noreen, it's not all about you any more, you have the child to consider,' Oliver said firmly, and threw his eyes up to heaven when she burst into tears again.

‘For God's sake will you stop bawling, that baby will be dehydrated,' he urged.

‘Sorry, Oliver. I don't deserve such kindness.' Noreen could hardly talk, the lump in her throat was so big.

‘Yes you do,' he said firmly. ‘And you should never think that God punishes – it's an insult to Him to even consider it, Noreen. God is love and love does not punish and you are worthy of every good thing that comes into your life. So stop tormenting yourself with thoughts of punishment and unworthiness. You are a good person.' His blue eyes were bright and intense as he stared down at her, and she felt the strength and goodness of her husband that were unique to him.