Twixt Two Equal Armies (68 page)

He was not a stupid man, and he had seen enough to know that there was something between his lordship and Miss Tournier — but not enough to know what that something was. And she was, in effect, going to him right now. In fairness to all concerned, whatever feelings were there must be resolved before he could take any sort of action, but he fervently hoped that Lord Baugham would continue his indecisive ways. He had too much at stake to expect it, and he did not think that any man could be so blind indefinitely, so he tried to prepare himself for whatever might come. However, if his lordship should still chose to do nothing, once Miss Tournier returned to Scotland he would know what to do.

His eyes rested on her as she beckoned to her mother who had been waiting inside out of the cold. She was smiling, but her eyes were distant and a little sad.

She is unhappy, he thought as he watched the door to the carriage close and the vehicle begin to move away. But there was nothing he could do for her right now — maybe later, but not now. He prayed that he would get that chance.

Chapter 30

There is a Party Gathered for a Wedding in a Small Village in Hertfordshire

The coach creaked and rocked as it travelled on the last leg of the journey from Clanough to Hertfordshire, but in a pleasant change of circumstance, Mrs and Miss Tournier were now the sole passengers. Though it was mid-afternoon, the light coming in from the windows grew increasingly dim and Holly looked across to see her mother squinting at her book. She smiled faintly and reached out her hand to rest on the pages.

“It is beginning to rain outside, Maman. You should give your eyes a rest.”

Mrs Tournier closed the book and turned her attention to her daughter, who was once again, as she had been for the majority of the three days previous, staring out the window at the passing scenery.

“It’s a bit hard to believe that we are going back to Hertfordshire again,” she said thoughtfully. “So much has changed since that day I dropt you at your Aunt and Uncle Bennet’s for the summer. I was afraid you would never forgive me for leaving you . . . and then when I came to get you at the end of the summer, I was afraid you would never forgive me for taking you away.”

Holly smiled, but her mother talked on.

“And now, Elizabeth, that little slip of a girl, is going to be married, and Jane too,” she mused, almost to herself. “So many years have passed, so much of good and of bad has happened, and now you girls are all grown and will be leaving your childhood homes behind.”

“I do not want to leave Rosefarm, Maman, not after I am back at last.”

“That may be so, but you will. It must, it ought to happen sooner or later, and I rather get the feeling that it will be sooner. And I will be painfully blunt and tell you I will not have you using me or my feelings as an excuse not to.”

She directed a glance at her daughter who sighed but said nothing, settling back into the shadows of her seat so her face was not discernable.

“Besides, I find myself looking forward to being a grandmother, especially if my grandchildren are close by. Say . . . in Edinburgh?”

“Maman!”

“I am merely stating a fact.”

“There is no such thing as a ‘fact’ about it, Maman!”

But Holly’s indignation had to surrender in the face of her mother’s arched eyebrow and her own need to finally share the thoughts that had been plaguing her by running through her mind and leaving her no peace since they had left home.

“Oh well, perhaps,” Holly sighed. “Perhaps there is an . . . opportunity for it. And perhaps that is just what I ought to do.”

“What you
ought
to do? Yes, and one ought to get a bad tooth pulled when it is necessary too, but I would expect a little more enthusiasm from you when discussing your choice of husband. Holly,” she leaned forward earnestly, “it is obvious to anyone who cares to see — and I do care to see — that Dr McKenna only wants a little encouragement from you to declare himself and offer marriage. That is a fact, but — and I am surprised at you for making me feel the necessity to add — do not by any means contemplate giving that encouragement unless you are absolutely certain it is what you want. Both for you and for him.”

“I don’t know why would I not want to marry a handsome, kind, and respectable man and have a home and family of my own,” Holly said almost irritated at the way her mother’s ignorance of
all
her thoughts made her treat such a matter as so simple. “I would be a fool to turn my back on the opportunity. It would be a privilege to be the wife of such a man and I would certainly be very lucky!”

“That is true, Lie-lie, however, I am not blind and I am not a simpleton and I rather take offence at being treated as such. Besides regard and respect for the doctor, I also see unhappiness in you and I would do anything in my power to steer you away from that.”

Holly leaned her head back in frustration, but managed to send her mother a desperate look.

“You are a grown woman,” her mother continued, “and you can make your own decisions, and I am more than happy to respect those decisions provided they are made sensibly — and if you think I am advocating sense over sensibility you are even more of a fool than I thought. Still, I want for you to be happy and sometimes in order to be so you must stop looking for things in persons that — ”

“I am not looking for things in anyone,” Holly interrupted, “Not any longer . . . ” She broke off abruptly and then went on in a more subdued voice, “But you are right and that is what I’m trying to do. I really am, Maman. It is time to open my eyes to what is around me, time to accept reality. I think, perhaps, I can be content in a life of quiet comfort with a man I esteem and respect and that is what I want. Hoping for more is just — well — it’s just a foolish waste of time and will make me miserable. As you say — impossible.”

She dropped her eyes to her lap, but looked up a moment later.

“A good man can be like the gentle rain, can he not, Maman, rather than a thunderbolt?” Her question was almost a plea. “One can be happy with kindness and caring and intelligence; it can be no sacrifice to become a wife to such a man and give him a happy life. And what is so appealing about lightning and thunder, after all? The rain can be enough; no flash, no noise, no surprises . . . just comfort . . . there is nothing wrong with the rain . . . ”

Mrs Tournier shook her head, a feeling of sorrow swept over her in hearing the resignation and dullness in her daughter’s words. With every word she uttered her suspicions about the state of her daughter’s heart were confirmed and it made her sad beyond words and at a loss over how to counsel her. Hoping for more might well be fruitless, but settling for less could have unhappy consequences for more than just her. In her heart she feared the joyous family occasion of a wedding would turn out a heavy and disappointing business indeed.

“No, Lie-lie, there is nothing wrong with the rain, if that is the life you choose and if it suits well with your nature. I hope I have taught you that being honest with yourself is the best way to achieve happiness. It may look like rain now but the weather changes. For everyone.”

Closing her eyes and leaning back into the seat, Holly had to choke back a sob.

“Oh, Maman, what does it matter? What does honesty help? Or preferences, when one’s choices are made for them?”

The carriage was quiet, except for the creaking of the springs and the periodic squeak of the turning wheels, for a long time. Mrs Tournier waited for Holly to go on; Holly wished she could take back every word she had just uttered.

“Dear,” her mother said, “all I am saying is that safety and comfort are important considerations when the alternatives are uncertainty and a broken heart, there is no doubt, and not to be lightly dismissed. Life very rarely turns out to be what you think it will, seen through the hazy perspective coloured by strong emotion. You and I know that, don’t we? But don’t ever think I am advocating shutting out your heart and disregarding your happiness as well as your security, before you make any decision. That is what is meant by ‘knowing thyself’. This what the road to hell looks likes when you set out with your good intentions and even though your goal is to make everyone happy you may very well end up failing miserably on everyone’s account.”

It had been a long day and a tiring journey, the gloomy weather combined with the waning season brought an early and profound darkness and suddenly Holly was very tired.

“But Maman, what if I decide to hold out for what I really want and it never comes? What if I see hope and I have no other proof than my heart and my faith? What if I am wrong and I lose everything?”

I
T HAD BEEN A VERY
long time since he had cause to deal with the unpleasant after effects of a night of excessive drink, but even in his unhappy condition, Baugham counted it as a blessing to be preoccupied with the state of his head and stomach rather than with the newly discovered, and infinitely more wretched, state of his heart. The journey from London to Netherfield was passed wallowing in intense and self-inflicted misery; the subsequent journey some time later from Netherfield to Longbourn was passed swallowing a sudden, irrational panic.

A quick glance around the small parlour told him what he already knew — they had not yet arrived. Of course they had not yet arrived; he shook his head at his own stupidity even as he let out the breath he had been holding. There was no possibility they would come until tomorrow at least. He had time. By the time he was faced with her again, he would be in control of himself.

That quest would have to wait, because the small parlour was in danger of growing even smaller with Mrs Bennet’s advancing verbal onslaught once the gentlemen’s entrance was noticed. Predictably, and not from a sense of spatial charity either, Darcy instantly moved to Miss Elizabeth’s side as soon as the introductions had been performed, and although he spoke little, it was evident that he was not going to let anything as mundane as an old friend distract him. Bingley lasted a little longer and for several minutes chatted amiably with his lordship and future mother-in-law, but after Miss Bennet had sent about half a dozen warm looks his way, his concentration faltered and he started to make plans for claiming a seat closer to her, instantly losing all ability to carry a conversation.

Unfortunately, conversation in the Longbourn parlour was anything but wanting as Mrs Bennet then turned her attention from her sons-in-law to her guest.

“My dear Lord Baugham,” she gushed, “how good of you to come to celebrate with us. Weddings are such festive occasions, do you not agree? And we have certainly not had a shortage of them in our family.”

“Yes, I imagine you are quite — ” he began, but before he could continue, his head was shot through with a sharp, stabbing pain by the piercing voice of his hostess.

“Mary! Kitty! Come here!” Mrs Bennet then turned to him with a most genteel smile, “My lord, may I introduce my other,
remaining
, daughters?”

If his lordship’s poor head was pained by the shrill call, or if his smile tightened slightly as the summoned daughters came forth, he was able to keep it from the notice of his hostess and soon he was flanked by the younger Miss Bennets. Miss Mary was handsome enough, if she would just smile, he thought. She was obviously studious, as she had been immersed in a book before her mother called and she came forward with the volume still clutched in her arms, but Baugham could not help but consider that her cousin, Miss Tournier, could well counsel her that a young woman could be educated and thoughtful while still maintaining an air of liveliness and spark.

However, with the next introduction, it was obvious that Mrs Bennet had singled this daughter out for his particular attention. He suppressed a groan as he smiled woodenly and agreed that she was, indeed, nearly the prettiest of all her daughters and how fortunate it was that Mr Darcy and Mr Bingley had not met her first of all the sisters. Privately, his thoughts took a different turn; Miss Catherine Bennet was a pretty thing, but she was hardly more than a girl! She scarcely had any business being “out” of the schoolroom at all, much less to be pushed forward as an object of interest to a gentleman such as himself. His indigestion growing worse by the moment, he turned to Darcy in search of rescue from the attentions of the zealous mother and smiling daughter, but his friend was apparently engrossed in some aspect of Miss Elizabeth’s countenance. No help would be forthcoming from that quarter.

Miss Kitty smiled and simpered in all the appropriate places and, prompted by her mother, stayed close to his side. Baugham politely inquired after her studies, which, he found to his surprise, were nonexistent, but he valiantly kept up a stream of small talk. Of course, the obvious topic of conversation was the upcoming dual wedding, though she declared she was heartily sick of the entire affair and would be happy when the whole thing was over with. The only consolation for having to endure such trials was her new gown, but what a lovely gown it was, pink, just the right colour for her as everyone says, and trimmed in the prettiest . . .

“Miss Catherine,” he smiled in as brotherly as fashion as an only child could muster and patted her arm, “I trust you will forgive the interruption if I release you to find company more interesting than my own. I simply must go greet your sister properly. You run along now and enjoy yourself.”