Twist (Siren Publishing Allure) (24 page)

“Yes. Enar technically died four days ago. You were not here while I was sobbing hysterically. You were not here when my entire body ached, my heart and mind feeling as if they were shattered like glass. The night he died, I wanted nothing more than to go with him. Enar didn’t want me to mourn. He didn’t want me to be broken by his death. I mourned Joe’s death for months. What did it get me? I was miserable and lonely. I spent all my time on Facebook and on eBay, selling things. I didn’t need the money. I just needed something to keep me busy. When I met Enar, it was the most wonderful thing that could ever have happened to me. Living with him was a dream, a fairy tale that had come true. I have been mourning for over two months. Do you think I never shed tears as I watched him fading away? I cried every day while I was in the shower because I didn’t want Enar to have to cope with my grief. I don’t want to cry anymore. I miss him more than anyone can understand.” Her eyes filled with tears as her voice faded out. Lana pushed herself to her feet, heading into the woods.

“Fuck!” Rolf looked at Maria. “Thank you. She needed a friend to say such cruel things to her today. If you know Lana even half as well as I do, you would know that what you see is not always what she is feeling.” Rolf stood, racing after Lana.

* * * *

Lana was sitting on the side of the path, rubbing her knee. She turned her face from Rolf as he knelt down before her. He physically turned it back to face him. “What just happened? Why did you shut me out and take off?”

“I just needed to get away from her.” Tears ran down her cheeks, her voice sounding strained as she spoke. “The way she was looking at me made me feel like shit. No one knows how I mourned while he was dying. I couldn’t do anything to help him. I was helpless, and it broke my heart to watch him day by day. I never cried in front of him until the last night because I was afraid it would hurt him more. I figured if I remained upbeat, it would keep him alive longer.”

He put his hands to her cheeks. “Enar told me that. He went into the bathroom one day and heard you crying. He said that he shut the door and went back to bed. He said that in one way it made him sad, but it also made him realize that his death was going to crush you. He didn’t want that. I didn’t want that. I would rather have you cry than hold in the grief and have it damage your mind. Do you want some time alone?”

She swiped her hands across her eyes, blowing out her lips as she exhaled. “I was actually okay until Maria showed up.” She grasped his hands with her own. “You are fucking amazing.”

“Why? What did I do?” he asked as if she was bitching at him.

“I didn’t mean that sarcastically. You have been here for me every minute of the day. I keep falling apart and you keep picking me back up. Do you need time alone?”

He smiled, shaking his head. “No. As you just pointed out, I have been grieving for a long time. I wasn’t here with him every moment of the day, but it broke my heart nonetheless. If anything, it was more of a shock every time I saw him. That’s why I kept increasing the length of my visits and how often I came. I could see from one visit to the next how fast he was fading. I watched you, thinking that you were the strongest woman I had ever met. I still think that. Even Lee admitted that he had times when he had to leave because he just had to get away from things. You never left. You stayed by his side until he took his final breath. Anyone who would accuse you of not grieving enough doesn’t understand that our grief began while he was still alive. We knew better than to hope he would pull through and get better. That was not going to happen. Reality has been kicking our ass for months. We need to kick back now.”

“This may be a fucked-up time to say this. But I love you so much.” She shivered, cold air flowing over her skin like ice water. The heat of the day hit her a moment later and she inhaled sharply. Enar had remained after his gathering to check up on her and she was honored by is presence.

Lana relaxed a little, Rolf staring at her with concern. For a moment his gaze seemed unfocused as he said, “
Tack. Jag ska älska dig för alltid.
” He shook his head, blinking, and then asked, “What’s wrong?”

“Enar just walked through me. I don’t know if that made him happy or pissed him off. What did you just say? All I caught was ‘thank you.’”

“He passed through me also. He said, ‘Thank you. I will love you forever.’ He is gone. We assumed that he wanted us to have sex. He didn’t. He just wanted you to say that you loved me.”

Rolf was right. Enar was no longer around them. She had felt his comforting presence whenever they were near the house, and it was gone.

“Why are you sitting on the ground?”

“I was running and my knee gave out. Add another bruise to the collection.”

“What did you bruise?”

“My other knee and my left wrist.”

“Broken or bruised?”

“I think just bruised.”

He cautiously took her hand, holding her wrist as he flexed it. She didn’t react, only wincing slightly. “I think you just sprained it. Can you get up?”

“I haven’t tried.”

He stood. “That is not what I asked.” He offered Lana his hand, pulling her to her feet. She grunted in pain, and he quickly swept her into his arms. Lana put her arms around his neck, kissing him ravenously. Rolf pulled away, laughing. “I guess you are okay?”

“I’m right where I want to be. My knee is actually killing me.”

“Let’s get back to the house and get you some ice.”

She leaned into him and Rolf nuzzled her head with his chin. “I love you, Lana. More than I can ever express.”

“But you do. Your every action tells me how much you love me.”

“Good, because it’s meant to. I feel so complete when you are near me.”

“I do also.
Du komplett mig
.”

“Did Enar teach you that?”

“No. I looked it up. I felt complete with him, but in a different way. Maybe because he was dying and I knew deep down that we had no future. Everything we did, we did to enjoy the day we were in. I went to bed every night wondering if it would be the last time I kissed him good night. With you, I feel as if you are my rock. I knew that he loved me but also that he needed me. You don’t need me. You want me. There is a difference. I gave him everything, and now when I need someone to give back, you are here. I need someone to depend on who will be alive next week.”

Rolf wasn’t walking. He was simply standing and staring at her. Lana frowned. “Am I presuming too much? I was thinking that we were together for the long haul. Am I wrong?”

“The long haul?”

“Yeah. Like you are a part of my future.”

“Are you talking married and happily ever after?”

“I don’t know about happily ever after. I have never gotten to experience it. In the back of my mind, I knew that Enar and I couldn’t have that. I didn’t expect him to die within a year, but five years isn’t exactly ever after.”

“No, it isn’t. We need to get ice on that knee.”

Lana’s eyes went wide with anger. Instant fury welled in her brain, intertwining with a sense of terror that Rolf had no intention of hanging around. He was blowing off her question as Joe had so often done. She suddenly didn’t care how much her leg hurt. Lana didn’t want to be in his arms. “Put me down!”

He set her to the ground. She inhaled sharply from the pain in her knee and ignored it, turning to limp back toward the house. Rolf watched her take a few unsteady steps and then picked her back up. He strode with her through the garden and into the house, her eyes like burning blue darkness. He set her on the counter and went to the freezer, getting her the ice pack. Lana watched him, wanting to scream at him for an answer but too angry to speak rationally. Rolf tied the ice pack around her leg with a towel and then picked her back up, carrying her into the bedroom and depositing her on the bed.

Lee appeared in the doorway. “What happened?”

“Her knee gave out. Give us a few minutes please?”

Lee nodded and shut the door. Rolf snorted in frustration and sat down beside Lana. “If your eyes were fire, I would be dead right now. I don’t have an answer for you. Yes, I want you. I want to be with you. I love you and I want your love in return. I want us to be together, but I can’t promise you happily ever after. Enar asked you to marry him, knowing that your future was short. I can’t do that. I almost asked Jessica to marry me about five years ago. I thought that I loved her and we would be together forever. It would have been a horrible mistake, because I can’t stand her now. I want to believe that will never happen with us, but I’m also realistic enough to know that once everything calms down, we may fall apart. Emotions are running high and I’ve been through enough shit in my life not to want to face a fall like that.”

“I didn’t ask you for a proposal. I only wanted to know if you were planning on sticking around long enough to see if we can make it together. The look you gave me made me feel as if you were taking off in a couple of days and I was seriously misguided. It was the look that you give someone when you think they have lost their mind.”

“I don’t think that. Just give us some time. One of the things that drove me from Jessica was her insistent complaining because we weren’t married.” He pushed back his hair angrily. “I know you didn’t say anything about marriage, but I heard it in your voice.”

Lana sighed. “You heard something that wasn’t there. I’m not even sure if I want to get married again. I just wanted to know that we have something concrete. I don’t want to put my faith in a bridge that is about to crumble and fall.”

He stroked her cheek. “It’s not. I want us together with every fiber of my existence. I thought I loved Jessica, but in considering it now, I didn’t feel like I do with you.” He sucked air through his lips, making a slightly musical whistle. “If you want the honest truth, I have been purposely avoiding considering the future. I already said that I tend to drag my feet when it comes to life-altering decisions. But now that you have forced me to consider this, I honestly can’t imagine a future without you. I moved in here with the idea that I was staying unless we crashed and burned. Hopefully that will never happen.”

“That is all I wanted to know,” she replied, his words calming the fear in her mind. He had made a point to explain himself, and that showed her that there was an emotional connection between them. “I just wanted some hope that we had a future.”

He tilted his head, draping his arm over her and then crashing to the bed, pulling her with him. “We do. Can we chock this entire fight up to the stress of the day?”

“I guess.”

“Can you guess that I’m an asshole?” he asked in sarcasm. “Please don’t be mad at me anymore.”

“You warned me that you could be an asshole.”

He released a short laugh. “Yeah, I did.” He wiggled his eyebrows. “You didn’t warn me that you could be a hot-tempered bitch.”

“I deserve that. I’m not usually a bitch. I agree. Let’s write this off as stress.”

He rolled toward her, pinning her to the bed as he kissed her. It was a long and heated exchange, his tongue engulfing hers so sensually that every ounce of anger melted from her mind until his feel was everything. His mouth trailed down her throat, and he unbuttoned her shirt, pushing back her bra and running his fingers down her breast. Lana drove her nails into his hair, urging him closer. “Is this the sex after the fight?”

“No. Stress relief.”

Lana chuckled, shivering as he slid downward, his mouth lingering on her flesh. His fingers wiggled in her waistband and he grinned up at her mischievously.

The door shuddered and then opened without a reply. Lana dragged her shirt over her chest. Lee immediately started to laugh. “Are you two kidding me? You pick now?”

Rolf rolled over. “Actually, we just had a fight, got it straightened out, and well…”

“Sorry. Everyone is asking what happened to Lana and they are really worried about you. Maybe you can hold off for a while longer?”

Rolf slid off the bed, holding his hand out to Lana. She shifted toward him, sliding on her shirt. “This sucks.”

“I agree. Your rock could use a cold shower.”

“Are you my dependable rock?”

“Yes. Hopefully for a very long time.”

They returned to the patio, Lana’s knee turning dark purple as she sat with ice around it. Lee tried to get her to go for an X-ray, but she refused. As the day progressed, the pain subsided, leaving her with an occasional twinge of irritation. Night fell over the gathering as everyone talked and reminisced about Enar. It was late when the final person left, and Lee and Rolf cleaned up the mess, putting away any remaining food. Lana was not allowed to move out of her chair, and after telling her to sit back down on two different occasions, Rolf threatened to tether her to the seat. She watched them, feeling helpless and wanting to get up and do something. When she rose a third time, she held her hands up to offset their irritated stares. “I have to go to the bathroom.”

Rolf had his hands full, and Lee strode over, sweeping her off her feet. He carried her into the bathroom and deposited her in front of the toilet. “Thank you, Lee.”

He chuckled and gave her a kiss on the cheek. “I really enjoyed this day. I thought it was going to be miserable, but it was really nice to listen to everyone talking about him. It really gave me a sense of how much everyone loved him.”

“Yeah, it did. I agree. It turned out to be a good day. Thank you for everything you did. The house and garden looked spectacular. The food was fantastic. I saw you talking to Opal. She is really sweet. You were drooling over her the night that the three of us went out to dinner with Enar’s coworkers. Did you finally ask Opal for her phone number?”

He chuckled. “You don’t miss much, do you? Of course I did. It’s in my pocket. I’ll give her a call tomorrow.”

“Good. The two of you looked like you were getting along well. What about your preference for males?”

“That’s the interesting thing about Opal. Something got said about my house, and one sentence led to another. It seems that Opal is also bisexual. I prefer not to go into details, but I really think the two of us could have fun together.”