Twinmaker (36 page)

“Are you okay?”

She blinked, not realizing that she had been staring.

“Fine,” she said, then added, more honestly, “Tired. Nervous.”

“That’s all?”

She frowned. “Why?”

He straightened and glanced at the others.

“Let’s talk,” he said. “In private.”

“Okay. Where?”

“Here.”

He opened the door of the four-wheeler and waved her inside. She slipped across the front seats, and he followed her, shutting the door softly behind them.

Jesse braced himself with one hand on the steering wheel, facing her.

“What’s up?”

“I just want to ask you,” he said, “if you used Improvement.”

She stared at him for a long moment, the lightness that had been in her stomach turning to lead. He was looking right at her, and she was looking right back at him, but weirdly she felt as though she were shrinking into her body, vanishing behind her eyes into a tiny point that peered out at him through layers of dirty glass.

“Clair?”

She snapped back to normal.

“Yes,” she said. “How did you know?”

“I rewatched the video of Dad in Gordon the Gorgon’s office,” he said. “Last night, while I was trying to sleep. She asked if you knew someone who had used Improvement, and you hesitated before saying that yes, you did. There was something in your face—I don’t know what it was, exactly. Like you felt guilty, and not just because of Libby. It came and went so fast, I didn’t notice it before. I can see it now, though, when I watch the video again.”

Because he knows me better too
, she thought.

“And there’s all the superhero stuff,” he went on, although she really wished he wouldn’t. “Shooting the dupe, keeping your head when all I want to do is roll into a ball, the strategizing. I thought it was your true calling, remember?”

She did remember, and she cursed herself for feeling like a fraud.

“But Improvement didn’t work,” she said. “My nose hasn’t changed.”

“Is that what you put on the note?”

“Yes.”

“Why?

“Why do you think?” She screwed it up self-consciously.

He shook his head. “How many times did you do it?”

“Sixty, seventy—I can’t remember the exact number.”

“Maybe your nose hasn’t changed because you haven’t used d-mat for a while. Maybe it takes time for the physical changes to kick in. The other stuff might happen more quickly.”

“What stuff? What are you saying, exactly?”

“You heard what Gemma said. People who use Improvement have their brains taken over.”

“But Gemma also said that it doesn’t affect everyone.”

“That’s true. Have you had any of the symptoms? Headaches, mood swings?”

She thought of the pounding in her skull that had been plaguing her for days, which she’d thought was caffeine withdrawal and stress. And she remembered the strange moment of clarity after Mallory had killed herself, and her shaking hands on the way to meet the train. They were shaking again now. She tucked them firmly between her thighs.

“I did it after I saw your dad the first time,” she confessed, unable to meet his eyes. “I used it until Q noticed me, but it didn’t seem to do anything, so I didn’t mention it to anyone. . . . I didn’t think it was important. . . .”

But
you’ve changed
, Gemma had said. The words reverberated through her mind, reinforced by the sudden certainty that they were true. Zep had noticed. Jesse had noticed. Gemma had noticed. Since using Improvement, she had become a different person. But was it because of Improvement or because of everything that had happened to her? Was Clair 2.0 her or someone else entirely?

She wondered if Libby had felt the same. What had it been like to have her mind taken over by another? Was it like a war or an unstoppable, insidious creep, like the tide rising over the shore? Did Libby’s thoughts and decisions still feel like hers, as Clair’s did now, even as they slowly became someone else’s?

The rhythmic patter of the wheels on the tracks was repetitive and insistent.

Mallory . . . Mallory . . . Mallory . . .

“Are you going to tell the others?” she asked Jesse.

“Why?” he asked. “Do I need to?”

“Don’t you think you should, if someone’s trying to take me over?”

“I don’t know that it’s that simple. You told me the truth, so I know you’re you right now.”

“What if that changes?”

“Is that likely?’

“You’ve got me worried now. What if I start . . . doing things?”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know. Putting people in danger . . .”

He didn’t answer, and she looked up at him, afraid to see that he might be staring at her as if she were an alien.

He wasn’t. He was grinning.

“Danger?” he said. “Like we’re on a picnic right now?”

“You know what I mean.”

“I do. And, you know, maybe this is a good thing, in a way. Maybe it wasn’t really you who shot the dupe back at the safe house.”

“But what happens if they can’t reverse it? What if . . . ?”

She hugged herself, thinking terrible thoughts.

Five days had passed since Libby had used Improvement. Four days for Clair.

“I’m so frightened,” she said, and burst into tears.

“Hey,” he said, moving closer. “Hey, don’t. I’m sorry. This isn’t what I wanted. . . .”

“What did you want? Why did you bring it up?”

“I had to be sure. I had to know.”

Clair put her face into her hands.

“What if I had lied?” she asked through her sobs. “What would you have done?”

“I don’t know, and you didn’t lie, so it doesn’t matter.” He awkwardly took her into his arms. “It’s okay. You’re going to be all right, I promise.”

“How do you
know
? How do you know I won’t go crazy and kill everyone?”

“I’ve lived with crazy people all my life,” he said, “and I don’t think you’re one of them.”

She returned his hug, wishing she could stay right there all the way to New York.

“I’m sorry you’re stuck with me,” he said into her hair. “I bet you wish—”

She shut him up the only way she could: by kissing him. Only afterward did she think of her puffy eyes and snotty nose. Only afterward did she wonder at how easy it was, compared to Zep. She just put her hands on either side of his face and pulled his mouth to hers. Her lips parted without hesitation and his tongue sought hers, and she was surprised by how gentle it all was. His goatee tickled her. He smelled of engine grease and tasted faintly of mint. But when she closed her eyes, she saw only him in her mind, not the shadow of someone else, and there was no feeling of doing something wrong. Quite the opposite.

Her heart began to race in an entirely ungentle way, and she didn’t want to believe it at first when she felt him pulling away.

“What?” she asked, blinking at him.

“I was just . . . no, forget it.”

There was a questioning look in his eyes.

“You’re wondering if that was really me?” she said.

He blushed. “No. I mean, yes. I mean, I hope it was. I mean . . . Oh God, could I be stupider?”

She dropped her eyes, feeling her face freeze. The same question occurred to her now, but directed at herself, not him. Just days ago, she had been mooning after Zep, and now here she was, practically throwing herself at another boy. What was she thinking? Was she thinking at all?

“You’re not the stupid one,” she said, meaning every word. “I’m sorry.”

Jesse made a sound that might have been a laugh, and somehow she managed the same in reply. It was either that or cry again.

RAY WHISTLED WHEN they emerged from the four-wheeler, but Clair ignored him, hating the treacherous heat in her cheeks. While Jesse went back to his engine, Clair cracked open the car door again in order to check the plan’s progress. Over two thousand people were watching now, most of them Abstainers. She had lost a lot of crashlanders.
Not surprising,
she thought. Nothing much was actually happening. Not in front of the drones, anyway. She considered telling the world that she herself had used Improvement and might be in the process of becoming someone else but decided that would only undercut her message. She had to be the girl taking on VIA, no one else.

She might have lost some crashlanders, but she had gained some train hobbyists and also an entirely new following, one that made her feel uncomfortable. For every action, she knew, there was an equal and opposite reaction, and so for every supporter she gained an objector. They ranged from knee-jerk skeptics, who—like her—simply didn’t want to believe that anything could go wrong with the system everyone relied on, to rabid pontificators intent on eviscerating everything she espoused. Some of them were trolls, provoking arguments in the time-honored fashion of the antisocial, but the vitriol was intense regardless. She had to force herself to read it. Thankfully, Ronnie and Tash and a handful of other supporters were busy defending her, so she didn’t have to respond every time.

The death threats bothered her most, as they were supposed to. It wasn’t just the nature of the messages—she had already been living under the threat of violence long enough for that to have lost some of its urgency. It was the way she was targeted personally, using data anyone could access: places she went, people she knew, timetables she followed in her normal life. Sometimes her family was mentioned as well, which couldn’t help but make her worry. She hadn’t thought they might be in any more danger too.

She considered reporting the threats to the peacekeepers and decided in the end not to, not specifically. She put them up into the Air, for all to see. The threat of violence only added to the buzz. And if someone
did
try to kill her or someone she loved, the story would take even longer to go away. Her ghostly fame would linger.

Cold comfort
, she thought. Then she wondered if that was something she would ordinarily have thought, and thinking
that
threatened to send her down a slippery slope of self-doubt. She fought it off by remembering how it had felt to kiss Jesse. That had been all her, she was sure of it, as was the confusion she felt now. She wondered if he felt the same knot in the stomach, but didn’t have the opportunity to ask him. There were always people around; there was always something more important to think about. She sensed that he might be deliberately keeping himself busy, and she tried to do the same. They were in the middle of something far too important to muddle with feelings, after all.

The train passed Pittsburgh and switched to a line that led through the Philadelphia Keys. Once, Turner said, the tracks had gone all the way to Atlantic City, but now that Atlantic City was
under
the Atlantic, the line stopped six miles earlier, at Pleasantville. There, they would meet the submarine.

Pittsburgh, Philadelphia, Pleasantville
, Clair thought. They had once been abstract addresses attached to certain friends and entertainment possibilities, but soon she would have passed through all three of them
and
the spaces between. In a train car, in real time.

“I need to send a coded signal to the submariners,” Turner said. “Can Q help me with that?”

“If you give it to me,” Clair said, “I’ll bump it to Q.”

He agreed.

“The signal is ‘No one is coming to Lincoln Island.’ That’s all.” He recited the address, a string of characters that meant nothing to Clair.

They cracked the door again, and Clair passed the message on. As they waited for a reply, she thought about the message and its connection to submarines. Captain Nemo was probably the most famous submariner in literature, and his name meant
no one
in Latin. Also, Lincoln Island was where he had died. She hoped that wasn’t a bad omen. On the other hand,
nemo
was also Greek for
I give what is due
. So maybe it evened out.

Q declared that the signal had been delivered, and they shut the door again.

Turner brewed hot chocolate over a fuel cell as they went over the details of the plan. There would be a short drive to the docks in Pleasantville, during which they would be vulnerable.

“But nothing will happen, will, it?” Jesse asked. “No one will do anything with the world watching.”

“Hope for the best,” said Clair, “plan for the worst.”

“Spoken like a true soldier,” Turner said, opening a map of the Manhattan Isles and moving on to their underwater route along the Jersey peninsula. There were a number of possible landing points, including a seaport on Thirty-fourth Street and another in Brooklyn Heights.

“The most direct way to get there,” said Gemma, “would be by the flooded subways. “Penn Plaza sits right on top of one of the old stations.”

“It’ll be sealed up, surely,” said Ray, “and not very public.”

“But safer,” said Turner, looking to Clair.

Clair didn’t want to be the one to decide. Jesse had thrown her with the possibility that her thoughts might not be entirely her own. What if Mallory or someone else was forcing her to make bad decisions, or worse: decisions that might lead them right into a trap? How could she tell the difference?

“Direct is better,” said Gemma. “A parade might get us attention, but we’d also be more exposed. That makes me nervous.”

Turner nodded, and with that decision made, the strategy meeting broke up.

They went back to waiting in their own ways, Turner and Ray playing cards, Gemma sitting alone, Clair and Jesse lying on bedrolls that were still next to each other, although the physical distance between them had taken on a much greater significance now. Jesse settled into a comfortable position on his side, with his right hand under his left cheek. His hair draped like a curtain over his face. One green eye was barely visible, still open, looking at her.

He whispered, “Was that ‘hope for the best’ line from . . . you know?”

“No. Arabelle said it once.”

He looked relieved but also puzzled. “She was never a soldier.”

“I think she thought she was,” Clair said. “Every second of every day, WHOLE’s fighting the entire world.”

“Who knows what it’ll look like when they’re done with it?”