Twelfth Night (5 page)
Authors: William Shakespeare
Lets go of his hand
Marry, now I let go your hand, I am
barren.
72
Exit Maria
SIR TOBY
O knight, thou lack’st a cup of
canary.
73
When did I
see thee so
put down?
74
SIR ANDREW
Never in your life, I think, unless you see canary
put me down. Methinks sometimes I have no more wit than
a
Christian
or an ordinary man has. But I am a great
eater of
77
beef and I believe that does harm to my wit.
SIR TOBY
No question.
SIR ANDREW
An I thought that, I’d
forswear it.
80
I’ll ride home
tomorrow, Sir Toby.
SIR TOBY
Pourquoi
82
, my dear knight?
SIR ANDREW
What is
‘Pourquoi’?
Do or not do? I would I had
bestowed that time in the
tongues
84
that I have in fencing,
dancing and
bear-baiting.
O, had I but followed
the arts!
85
SIR TOBY
Then hadst thou had an excellent
head of hair.
86
SIR ANDREW
Why, would that have
mended
87
my hair?
SIR TOBY
Past question, for thou see’st it will not curl by
nature.
SIR ANDREW
But it
becomes
90
me well enough, does’t not?
SIR TOBY
Excellent. It hangs like
flax
on a
distaff
91
, and I hope
to see a
housewife
take thee between her legs and spin it off.
92
SIR ANDREW
Faith, I’ll home tomorrow, Sir Toby. Your niece will
not be seen, or if she be, it’s four to one she’ll
none of me.
94
The
count
himself here
hard
95
by woos her.
SIR TOBY
She’ll none o’th’count. She’ll not match above her
degree
, neither in
estate
, years, nor
wit
97
; I have heard her
swear’t. Tut, there’s
life in’t
98
, man.
SIR ANDREW
I’ll stay a month longer. I am a fellow o’th’
strangest
mind i’th’world: I delight in
masques and revels
100
sometimes altogether.
SIR TOBY
Art thou good at these
kickshawses
102
, knight?
SIR ANDREW
As any man in Illyria, whatsoever he be,
under the
103
degree of my betters, and yet I will not compare with an
old
104
man.
SIR TOBY
What is thy excellence in a
galliard
106
, knight?
SIR ANDREW
Faith, I can
cut a
caper.
108
SIR TOBY
And I can
cut the
mutton
108
to’t.
SIR ANDREW
And I think I have the
back-trick
109
simply as strong
as any man in Illyria.
SIR TOBY
Wherefore are these things hid? Wherefore have
these gifts a curtain before ’em? Are they
like to take
112
dust,
like
Mistress Mall’s picture?
113
Why dost thou not go to church
in a galliard and come home
in
a
coranto?
114
My very walk
should be a
jig
, I would not so much as
make water
115
but in a
sink-a-pace.
116
What dost thou mean? Is it a world to hide
virtues
117
in? I did think, by the excellent constitution of thy
leg, it was formed under the
star of a galliard.
118
SIR ANDREW
Ay, ’tis strong, and it does
indifferent
119
well in a
damned
coloured
stock.
120
Shall we set about some revels?
SIR TOBY
What shall we do else? Were we not born under
Taurus?
SIR ANDREW
Taurus? That’s sides and heart.
123
SIR TOBY
No, sir, it is
legs and thighs.
124
Let me see
thee caper. Ha? Higher, ha, ha! Excellent!
Sir Andrew
dances
Exeunt
running scene 4
Enter Valentine and Viola
[
as Cesario
]
in man’s attire
VALENTINE
If the duke continue these favours towards you,
Cesario
, you are like to be much
advanced.
2
He hath known
you but three days, and already you are no stranger.
VIOLA
You either fear his
humour
4
or my negligence, that
you call in question the continuance of his love. Is he
inconstant, sir, in his favours?
VALENTINE
No, believe me.
Enter Duke
[
Orsino
]
, Curio and Attendants
VIOLA
I thank you. Here comes the count.
ORSINO
Who saw Cesario, ho?
VIOLA
On your attendance
10
, my lord, here.
To Attendants, who stand aside
ORSINO
Stand you awhile
aloof.
11
— Cesario,
Thou know’st
no less but all.
12
I have unclasped
To thee the book even of my secret soul:
Therefore, good youth,
address thy gait
14
unto her,
Be not denied access, stand at her doors,
And tell
them
there thy fixed foot shall
grow
16
Till thou have
audience.
17
VIOLA
Sure, my noble lord,
If she be so abandoned to her sorrow
As it is
spoke
20
, she never will admit me.
ORSINO
Be clamorous and leap all
civil bounds
21
Rather than make unprofited return.
VIOLA
Say I do speak with her, my lord, what then?
ORSINO
O, then unfold the passion of my love,
Surprise
her with discourse of my dear
faith
25
;
It shall
become
26
thee well to act my woes.
She will
attend
27
it better in thy youth
Than in a
nuncio’s
of more grave
aspect.
28
VIOLA
I think not so, my lord.
ORSINO
Dear
lad
30
, believe it;
For they shall yet
belie
31
thy happy years,
That say thou art a man:
Diana’s lip
32
Is not more smooth and
rubious
, thy small
pipe
33
Is as the maiden’s organ,
shrill and sound
34
,
And all
is semblative
a woman’s
part.
35
I know thy
constellation
36
is right apt
To Attendants
For this affair.— Some four or five attend him.
All, if you will, for I myself am best
When least in company. Prosper well in this,
And thou shalt live as
freely
40
as thy lord,
To call his fortunes thine.
VIOLA
I’ll do my best
Aside
To woo your lady.— Yet, a
barful strife!
43
Whoe’er I woo, myself would be his wife.
Exeunt
running scene 5
Enter Maria and Clown
[
Feste
]
MARIA
Nay, either tell me where thou hast been, or I will
not open my lips so wide as a bristle may enter
in
2
way of thy
excuse. My lady will hang thee for thy absence.
FESTE
Let her hang me: he that is
well hanged
4
in this world
needs to fear
no colours.
5
MARIA
Make that good.
6
FESTE
He shall see none to fear.
7
MARIA
A good
lenten
8
answer. I can tell thee where that
saying was born, of ‘I fear no colours.’
FESTE
Where, good Mistress Mary?
MARIA
In the wars, and that may you be
bold
11
to say in your
foolery.
FESTE
Well, God give them wisdom that have it, and those
that are fools, let them use their talents.
MARIA
Yet you will be hanged for being so long absent, or,
to be
turned away
16
, is not that as good as a hanging to you?
FESTE
Many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage
17
,
and,
for
turning away,
let summer bear it out.
18
MARIA
You are resolute, then?
FESTE
Not so, neither. But I am resolved on two
points.
20
MARIA
That if one break, the other will hold, or if both
break, your
gaskins
22
fall.
FESTE
Apt
, in good faith, very apt. Well, go thy way.
If Sir
23
Toby would leave drinking, thou wert as witty a piece of
Eve’s flesh
25
as any in Illyria.
MARIA
Peace, you rogue, no more o’that. Here comes my
lady: make your excuse wisely, you
were best.
27
[
Exit
]
Enter Lady Olivia with Malvolio
[
and Attendants
]
Aside
FESTE
Wit,
an’t
28
be thy will, put me into good
fooling! Those wits, that think they have thee, do very oft
prove fools, and I that am sure I lack thee, may pass for a wise
man. For what says
Quinapalus?
31
‘Better a witty fool than a
To Olivia
foolish wit.’— God bless thee, lady.
To Attendants
OLIVIA
Take the fool away.
FESTE
Do you not hear, fellows? Take away the lady.
OLIVIA
Go to
, you’re a
dry
35
fool. I’ll no more of you. Besides,
you grow
dishonest.
36
FESTE
Two faults,
Madonna
37
, that drink and good counsel
will amend. For give the dry fool drink, then is the fool not
dry
: bid the dishonest man
mend
39
himself. If he mend, he is
no longer dishonest; if he cannot, let the
botcher
40
mend him.
Anything that’s mended is but
patched
41
: virtue that
transgresses is but patched with sin, and sin that amends is
but patched with virtue. If that this
simple
syllogism
43
will
serve,
so.
If it will not, what remedy? As there is
no true
44
cuckold
but calamity, so
beauty’s a flower.
45
The lady bade
take away the fool: therefore, I say again, take her away.
OLIVIA
Sir, I bade them take away you.
FESTE
Misprision
48
in the highest degree! Lady,
cucullus non
facit monachum:
that’s as much to say as I wear not
motley
49
in
my brain. Good madonna, give me
leave
50
to prove you a fool.
OLIVIA
Can you do it?
FESTE
Dexteriously
52
, good madonna.
OLIVIA
Make your proof.
FESTE
I must
catechize
you for it, madonna.
Good my
54
mouse of virtue, answer me.
OLIVIA
Well, sir, for want of other
idleness
, I’ll
bide
56
your
proof.
FESTE
Good madonna, why mourn’st thou?
OLIVIA
Good fool, for my brother’s death.
FESTE
I think his soul is in hell, madonna.
OLIVIA
I know his soul is in heaven, fool.
FESTE
The more fool, madonna, to mourn for your
brother’s soul being in heaven. Take away the fool,
gentlemen.
OLIVIA
What think you of this fool, Malvolio? Doth he not
MALVOLIO
Yes, and shall do till the pangs of death shake him.
Infirmity, that decays the wise, doth ever make the better
fool.
FESTE
God send you, sir, a speedy infirmity, for the better
increasing your folly! Sir Toby will be sworn that I am
no fox
71
,
but he will not
pass
72
his word for twopence that you are no
fool.
OLIVIA
How say you to that, Malvolio?
MALVOLIO
I marvel your ladyship takes delight in such a
barren
rascal. I saw him
put down
the other day
with
76
an
ordinary fool
that has no more brain than a
stone.
77
Look you
now, he’s
out of his guard
78
already. Unless you laugh and
minister occasion
to him, he is gagged. I
protest
79
, I take these
wise men, that
crow
so at these
set
80
kind of fools, no better
than the fools’
zanies.
81
OLIVIA
O, you are sick
of
82
self-love, Malvolio, and taste with
a
distempered
appetite. To be generous, guiltless and of
free
83
disposition is to take those things for
bird-bolts
84
that you
deem cannon-bullets. There is no slander in an
allowed
85
fool,
though he do nothing but
rail
86
; nor no railing in a known
discreet
man, though he do nothing but
reprove.
87
FESTE
Now
Mercury endue thee with leasing
88
, for thou
speak’st well of fools.
