Trying the Knot (16 page)

“Look, it’s your boyfriend,” Thad said,
pointing out the window.

“He’s our cousin, idiot,” she corrected.

Seconds later, Jack made a U-turn in the
middle of Main Street and passed by again. This time he pointed a
lollipop at her and laughed hysterically. Prepared, she forcefully
flipped him off. The hollow insult only served as an invitation for
him to stop and further humiliate her.

After parking his bike, he barged into the
boutique with the lollipop dangling from his mouth. He exclaimed,
“Dude, I can’t believe you’re actually going through with it!” He
ignored the accusatory look Mrs. Rotundowski cast his way. By now
he had grown accustomed to the accusatory stares judging him to be
a killer prom date.

“You look god-awful nasty.”

“You don’t look so hot yourself,” she
snarled. “Just shut up, Jerkoff, and be on your merry masturbatory
way.”

“Where you headed, Jack,” Thad asked.

“Work,” the teenager answered, and he stuck
his soggy sucker stick into a potted plant. In his t-shirt with the
sleeves cut off, he looked tougher than necessary.

“The high school dropout washes dishes for a
living,” Alexa said as she tugged on her dress. “Not so tight, I
don’t want to look like some butt ugly airhead asshole.”

“Missy, you’ve got the mouth of a sailor,”
Mrs. Rotundowski said aghast.

“My name’s not Missy, and if it were I’d be
the next one to kill myself,” Alexa said, pulling on the dress.
“Then there’d be one more bridesmaid in a coma.”

“Don’t mind Al, she’s been in a bad mood ever
since puberty pushed her over the edge,” Thad explained. “Remember,
pretty is as pretty does.” Then he asked Jack, “Are you going to
the church rehearsal? There’s dinner at the lounge afterward.”

“Just straight to the lounge. I got to work,”
Jack said. He drifted nervously away because he was in no mood for
yet another interrogation by one more well meaning adult who did
not know anything about him or his life.

“But your sister is getting married.”

“My sister’s in a coma,” Jack said. Seeing a
monster truck speed past, he stopped dead in his tracks and his
face flushed in terror. He ran his hand through his chin-length
blond hair and said shakily, “Holy shit.”

“We’ll have none of that talk in here,
mister,” said Rotundowski, who still eyed him with contempt.

“What’s wrong?”

“It’s nothing,” Jack whispered, obviously
scared to death. Once out the door, he checked to see if the coast
was clear. Only then did he mount his bike while tossing his bangs
from his comically cherubic face, and he sped off as quickly as he
had appeared.

“What was that all about?”

“The Czerwinski Twins are in town on leave
from the Army,” Alexa shrugged. “Jack thinks they want to kick his
ass, because of the accident.”

The seamstress stood back and inspected her
work. “It’s a real tragedy about the Czerwinski girl. It’s also so
sad about Vangie Whiley. Such beautiful girls.”

“Yes,” Thad agreed.

“Vangie and her mamma used to live next to me
in the trailer park. I’d watch her playing outside and, I’ll tell
you what, I don’t care who she was from home – even if her daddy
did kill himself and her mamma’s a floozy – she was going places
one day. There was just no stopping her,” Rotundowski said
remembering fondly.

Nodding in the direction of the far wall, she
said, “There’s a picture of her modeling a dress from way back when
she sang in the Miss Portnorth pageant.”

Alexa stared admiringly at the large portrait
and the sophisticated black formal gown, which made Evangelica look
like a movie star. Her sleek auburn hair framed her face, and her
wide heart shaped mouth was painted matte red. Voluptuous and
beautiful, her eyes glimmered knowingly, like two uncut diamonds.
That look in her eye was probably what garnished her the talent
award and cost her the crown.

Until earlier that spring, Alexa had never
really spent much time with Evangelica. It was not until Vange
volunteered to help her prepare for the prom that Alexa actually
took the time to get to know her. Alexa was clueless regarding
formal wear, makeup, and manners. The only reason Alexa agreed to
attend the prom at all was because Jack begged her to double date
with him and Jules Czerwinski. Jules was a popular cheerleader and
a secret Skoal Squaw member, which was a sort of teen girl Mafia.
They were the classic coupling of the virgin and the rebel – Jules
being the rebel and Jack the virgin, despite all appearances to the
contrary. They were an odd couple, and their pairing for the prom
had a similar effect as the Michael Jackson and Madonna match-up
for the Oscars, a freak show on parade.

A few weeks prior to the prom, Vange took
Alexa downstate to find the perfect dress, accessories and
cosmetics. Evangelica assured Alexa that the spaced-out electric
blue number was the dramatic statement she was looking for. Vange
also curled Alexa’s dark hair into a flip and gave her cat eyes.
Alexa was ordinarily repulsed by such feminine preoccupations, but
Evangelica had made them fun; moreover, she made Alexa so
obnoxiously beautiful she could not help but get swept up in the
moment. Vange even gave her strategic tips about what food not to
order, how to walk, when to go to the powder room, and what dopey
one-liners to listen for, in case her jock date intended to get
fresh with her.

Vange advised, “If he tries to score and
won’t take no for an answer, just knee him in the balls or give him
a hand job. Take your pick.”

Evangelica’s excited enthusiasm was the
inspiration Alexa needed to enjoy the ridiculously inane rite of
passage, prom. Vange snapped a zillion pictures all over town of
Jack, Jules, Alexa, and Jocko posing dramatically and foolish. Her
infectious laughter encouraged the foursome into making fools of
themselves and mug for the camera.

Alexa had wanted her mentor to join them and
record their swanky out-of-town dinner, but Jack vetoed the idea
because he was trying to impress Jules, who had secured her
mother’s new Mary Kay pink Cadillac for the evening. The ordinarily
gorgeous golden girl, Jules Czerwinski, looked beautiful in her
prissy pink ensemble, but Alexa was able to parade around proud as
a peacock because Vange successfully transformed the ordinarily
outdoorsy frump into a stunning, otherworldly goddess.

The dinner digressed in a fit of guffaws as
Alexa and Jack tried to outdo one another’s obnoxious behavior.
They managed to be inconspicuous enough to entertain without
drawing undue attention. Alexa seized every opportunity to utilize
the tips Evangelica had taught her. On the way to and from the
restaurant, they listened to the unique compilation tape Vange had
made for them full of drippy romantic standards. All the while,
Alexa’s date filled her with tremulous excitement by merely
touching her gloved hand.

Inside the gaudily decorated school
gymnasium, Alexa made fun of the hicks who wore high-top sneakers
with their tuxedo tails and sparkly cummerbunds. She also laughed
at the girls, in their pseudo-Victorian gowns sporting ratted up
bangs that cascaded into hairspray-shellacked fuck-handles. Alexa
only danced to fast songs once her date insisted on mauling her to
the beat of every sickening Top-Forty love ballad.

“Missing Link” as she later dubbed him,
proved to be more of a Neanderthal than she originally feared, and
he ended up storming away with one of the Skoal Squaws. When he
asked Alexa, “So, are you gonna blow me tonight, or will I have to
pull out my Willie, and use it Kennedy-style on you?” she
introduced his face to her fist and raised her knee to his balls
just like Vange taught her.

Mortified, Jack ushered Jules and his
featherweight champion cousin out the door as the King and Queen
were announced, and they left Jocko doubled over with a cold
compress between his thighs. The reigning ‘gruesome twosome’ had
been dating since the dawn of junior high, and they were
tentatively planning a summer wedding after graduation. They were
on the fast track to domestic obscurity.

After prom, they skipped the
All-Night-Bowl-A-Thon-and-On and planned to watch horror flicks at
Ben’s house until dawn. Ben promised to let them smoke a little
pot, and Vange offered to cook a mammoth breakfast. But the
Promsters never made it back to the Dooley house.

On a lonesome country road, a deer collided
with the now permanently parked pink Cadillac. There, the vehicle
sat drenched in blood, where Jules died, the emergency responders
came, and Jack ran insanely into the woods shedding his bloody
tuxedo. Alexa and Jules were rushed to the hospital in ambulances,
and a manhunt was issued for Jack. He was found naked wandering
along a dirt road early the next morning. He was taken into custody
the county jailhouse before being carted off to the nut-hut for a
spin in the bin. For Alexa, the hospital was more horrifying than
the accident. Her enraged mother stormed tipsily into the emergency
room while her father was unsuccessful in subduing her hurling
accusations. Jane Feldpausch claimed every horrible thing was Ed
Hesse’s fault for marrying the town tramp Shayla Whiley.

After having slugged down a fifth of scotch,
Jack’s dad was beyond inebriated. He blathered endlessly about the
dangers of drinking and driving. But they had been sober as they
had not drunk a drop of alcohol. Shayla hurled insults back at
Alexa’s mother and encouraged the police to throw that crazy
Feldpausch bitch’s ass in the slammer.

Thad bounced hopelessly between the parents
and Jack, who was being given a hard time by the police. The
injuries Jules sustained made it impossible for her to be behind
the wheel, and the police were reluctant to let Jack off the hook.
It was not until his statement received corroboration from the
backseat witness that they dropped their investigation, and it was
determined he was not responsible for the unfortunate demise of his
prom date.

Jules’ parents sat crumpled in a sobbing pile
off to the side. Nyda-the-Living-Dead prayed while her husband
railed against the injustice of it all. Earlier in their backyard,
Jack whispered to Alexa that the Czerwinskis were swingers, and now
she wondered if it were true. Under the florescent lights on a
hospital gurney, Alexa spent an eternity in a trance, watching the
events of the evening unfold as if she were a camcorder obtaining
footage for a tragically bizarre reality TV show.

When Evangelica arrived with Ben, her steady
gaze of sympathetic reassurance was all Alexa needed to emerge from
her state of shock. When a half-naked Jack was put into a
straightjacket and taken away for further treatment, Alexa buried
herself in Vange’s soft awaiting breasts and bawled like a
baby.

“It should’ve been you!” Nyda screamed.
Mascara ran between the cracks of her hallow, tear stained cheeks,
making her look like Alice Cooper. “You’re the one who should be
sprawled out in a morgue!”

Feeling as if someone had kicked her in the
gut, Alexa nearly fell over. Evangelica gathered her close, buried
her face in her chest and led her down the hallway as Nyda screamed
after them, “It’s you, you’re the one who should be dead, you whore
of Babylon!”

“It’s me,” Evangelica whispered in Alexa’s
ear as she guided her toward the exit. “Don’t pay any attention to
her, it’s me she’s talking about. I’m the one who should be dead.
It’s me.”

Vange took Alexa home, tucked her into bed
and wept alongside her. Vange was still there the next afternoon
when Alexa awoke screaming in terror. She often had periodic
nightmares of headlights reflecting off glassy deer eyes, followed
by its mangy carcass sprawled across the red splattered car hood.
Alexa was haunted by the image of Jack running wildly into the
woods while ridding himself of the blood-drenched tuxedo. Her
horrific dreams always ended with garish headlights fixed on Jules,
with her pretty pink gown bathed in heaving crimson. They had sat
with her trying not to touch her caved in chest or bashed in,
bloodied forehead.

Even now, Alexa awoke to the sounds of
gurgling gasps as Jule’s lungs filled with blood. But the morning
after the accident, it was Vange who held onto her tightly and
soothed the pain of the memories of the night before. It sounded
corny, but the night of the accident, Alexa fell asleep thinking
Evangelica was an angel sent from heaven.

Mrs. Rotundowski’s distant voice sounded in
Alexa’s ears. “Honey, you got to turn and face the window,
please.”

Alexa sniffled and obeyed without
protest.

“It’s a shame about Jack’s mamma. I knew Kaye
Hesse real well, and you couldn’t find a finer lady. She was a
saint, pure and simple.” The small round woman jabbered on. “I even
bought a few of her crystal bowls and a pair of shoes at a garage
sale once. I says to Shayla, These shoes here look brand new. And
she goes, who knows, all this junk belonged to Kaye.” She shook her
head. “Can you even imagine such a thing, selling your new
husband’s dead wife’s personal things in a garage sale, for pennies
no less? Whenever I wear them shoes, or use the bowl, I think of
Kaye and what a wonderful lady she was. A real good woman.”

“She’s our aunt,” Alexa said softly.

“I know, hun,” Mrs. Rotundowski said. She
pierced the dress with one last pin and smacked Alexa on the
behind. “That’ll do yah. I’ll finish this up and drop it by your
mom’s house later tonight.”

“Thank you, so much,” Thad said as Alexa
jumped from the stool and retreated into the dressing room. Thad
called out, “We can get ice cream on the way home, Al, if you
want.”

Her voice dripped with sarcasm, “My reward
for being a good little girl?”

“Well, if you insist, we can pretend you’re
still little and a girl, but after seeing you in that dress we both
know otherwise,” Thad said. He picked up the formal gown, which she
hurled out onto the floor.