Trusting Bull: Savage Brothers MC (68 page)

I can’t stop the tears that come. It feels like all I’ve been doing lately is crying, but none have been more terrifying than these. I can’t lose my baby. I can’t. Up until this point I thought they would be able to stop it. I know that’s naïve, I should have known when my water broke, but I was still functioning with hope—you would think after the last two weeks, hope would have fled.

“Nicole, babies are amazing in their resilience. Today, a preemie that was born at twenty-eight weeks is having this G.I. tube removed and eating completely on his own.”

His words should bring me comfort, and they do in a way. Still, I picture this tiny baby with tubes and wires and the tears fall again.

“We’re going to prepare a surgical room for a cesarean. I know you wanted a natural child birth, but we want the delivery to be as comfortable and stress free as possible for the baby.”

“O…okay.” I’m doing my best to hold the tears back, but I can’t. One hand is grasping Bull’s and the other is still allowing Dragon to hold it. I’m weak.

The doctor gives me a kind smile and then leaves. My eyes close; the tears still falling and I try to breathe slowly. I don’t want Little Dragon to know I’m upset. I’m sure he’s had enough of that lately. Dragon kisses my tears. I want to melt into him and trust him to make it all better, but I can’t. I can’t trust him. He
betrayed
me. I turn my face away to look at Bull. He squeezes my hand.

I need someone to tell me it will be okay. No one can. So I pray.

I just pray.

Dragon

I
may be
in hell and it’s what I deserve. I’m just starting to see how deep the hurt I’ve brought to Nicole has gone. I did what I had to do for the good of the club. Trouble is picking the club over Nicole, may have caused me to lose her. At the time it seemed like a brilliant plan. Brilliant because I’m fucking stupid.

I needed to shut Kavanagh down, I needed to do it quickly. When Crusher called and said he had Dani, I knew it was just a matter of time before the viper tried to strike again. I wanted him to think he had won. I wanted to lure him into attacking on a day and time of my choosing. It took a lot of work, but losing Frog was the last straw. I had no choice, my club has been going to hell for way too long. I needed to get back to the President I was before Nicole. I’ve become too relaxed, which implies weakness, and in turn gets people killed. So I made my choice. I pulled in Dancer and Skull and the rest of the crew, and kept Crusher and Bull in the dark because their heads were
not
in the game.
I made that choice.
Crusher has fucked up and gone against my orders too many damned times for me to trust him. Bull? Fuck, I don’t even know where his head is at, but I do know as club enforcer, he should have made sure our vehicles were safe and security at the church should have been double what it was. Those are just plain facts. So I made a motherfucking choice I didn’t want to. It’s what a President does. It’s one I should have made sooner and because I didn’t, we lost a man—a good man.

Still, making that choice came at a cost. I know it hurt Nicole. I know it tore her heart out. I saw it firsthand. Watching her hurt and grieve tore me up inside. I watched her from a distance, I held her after she fell asleep, all the time repeating in my head that I was making it safe for her and the baby.

I never dreamed the stress could make her go into labor. The doctor said it could have been a number of things, but stress puts her at high risk. This is on me. Did choosing my club cost me my woman and my child? These thoughts keep going over and over in my head while I sit in this damned waiting room. They took Nicole back a few minutes ago. She didn’t even talk to me. I look over at Bull. She held his
fucking
hand the entire time. Who the fuck does he think he is.

“You shouldn’t be here.”

“Nicole wants me here.”

“She’s upset. She doesn’t know what she wants right now.”

“Who the fuck has her upset? The way I see it, of the two of us, you’re the one who should be gone.”

“Motherfucker, that’s
my
woman.”

“From where I’m sitting a
man
protects
his
woman. He makes sure she always knows she’s
his
. He doesn’t put her through hell and expect her to be okay with it. That does
not
happen.”

I get up. He’s saying nothing I’ve not been thinking, but seeing it and hearing it come from his self-righteous ass is more than I can handle.

“Get up, motherfucker! You want to throw down with me, I’m ready for you. You need to step the fuck away from my woman and let us work this out.”

Bull gets up and I get the satisfaction of knowing I’m going to beat his fucking face in. Nailer gets between us and Hawk holds me back at the same time. Six makes sure he keeps Bull back.

“This ain’t the place boys. You’re going to get thrown out and Nicole needs you here.
Both of you,
” Nikki says.

She’s sitting over with Freak, Dancer, Carrie and several other men including Skull and Diesel. Why they are here, I have no idea. I know Nikki’s right, but I do not like it. I don’t like it at all. Still, I jerk loose from my brother’s hold and sit back down—still glaring at Bull.

“If you had done your job as club enforcer, I wouldn’t have had to take the steps I did.”

“What the fuck are you going on about now?”

“How did someone get to our vehicles to put bombs on them? Mind telling me that shit?”

Bull’s eyes narrow and he stands up and walks two feet in front of me before leaning down to speak. “You need to make up your fucking-bi-polar ass. You haven’t had me as club enforcer since my accident. I’ve been baby-sitting women or cleaning up after your ass. You put others in charge of security. Men who are trained in electronics and shit, but not hand to hand. So, don’t come after
me
with this shit-baggage now. Your club is a wreck? Look in the fucking mirror.”

He’s right. I know it—at least partially. Some of the anger leaves me. I bend down, raking my hand over my head and take a deep breath. When I look back up at Bull, maybe he can see the difference in me because his stance relaxes a little.

“Everybody but Bull get out in the hall.”

“Drag…”

“
Now
motherfuckers!”

When the room clears and I get shot with a few more death glares, I look up at Bull.

“You’re the one who started staying away from the club. How the fuck can I depend on you if you’re not there?” I ask the question that’s been bothering me from day one.

“Newsflash, Dragon. I’m going through some shit. Doesn’t mean I won’t be here for the club, when shit goes down. You should know that man.”

My lips curl into a half smile. “Newsflash. You’re starting to sound like Nicole.”

“She’s a hell of a woman,” he says sitting down beside me and slapping me on the back.

“She sure as hell is. I fucked up bad, man.”

“Yeah, you did.”

“Thanks for sugar-coating it.”

“She’ll come around brother, that woman loves you deep.”

“She kind of acts like she hates me right now.”

“She probably does,” Bull returns.

“Jesus, you’re just full of rainbows and shit aren’t you?”

“That’s me.”

“I can’t lose them man,” I say in an almost whisper, voicing the biggest fear I’ve ever had in my life. This is worse than when Nicole was shot… much worse. This time our son is with her. This time she hates me. I need to make things right. I need the chance to show her how much I love her and our child.

“I’m going to go get us some of that shit they call coffee around here. Do you want some?” Bull asks.

I look at him, our eyes locking and see the resentment is gone from Bull.

“Black.”

“You got it, Pres.”

He must have given the others all clear because they slowly begin to fall back in. I barely look up. How long has it been now? Surely we should have heard something by now. Bull comes back in and hands me my coffee. I take a drink and have to fight to swallow it. It tastes like swamp piss. Another twenty or thirty minutes go by before the doctor finally shows up.

“Family of Nicole West?”

All of us stand up. It feels right. We are a family. It even feels good having Bull beside me. This is why I fight to keep the Savage MC together. This right here.

“Nicole and the baby came out of the surgery. The baby is in serious, but stable condition in the NICU. One of his lungs collapsed…”

“Fuck…,” I can’t stop the word that pops out.

“I’ll be honest, Mr. West, I thought we would lose him. Your son is strong however, and he is a fighter. He’s holding his own and we have the lung re-inflated. He actually appears farther along than tests showed, which means there’s more bone and muscle mass to work with. We just have to take it day by day.”

“And Nicole?” I ask, my heart feeling as if it is trying to jump out of my chest.

“She’s doing well. She should be out of recovery soon and you can see her. If you follow me I can take you to see your child.”

I nod and follow him out. He leads me down the hall and another small corridor and then to the private unit. I put on gloves and a gown that the nurse hands me and then I put a mask over my face. My son is in a square thick Plexiglas tank with circles on one side that are protected and covered by a black rubber-like material. He’s so small. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything so small and he has so many wires and tubes running from him, it hurts to see. I can’t touch him. I can’t hold him. My hand would almost swallow him. Still, I hear the beating of his heart on one of the monitors and it sounds strong.

My son is a fighter.

Just like his dad, he’s a fighter.

Nicole

I
feel like
I’ve been hit by a truck. Everything in me is sore. Worse, I feel empty. After six months of having Little Dragon inside of me, not having him now feels wrong. Shit, I’m so tired of that word—
wrong
. That’s Dragon’s fault.

All of this is Dragon’s fault. He keeps trying to come in and see me. I haven’t let him. I know he’ll get tired of that soon and just barge in, but for now, I’m thankful he’s restraining himself. I haven’t even gotten to see my baby, yet. I got to stay awake through the cesarean, so I had a quick glimpse of him—which was good and bad. I thought we had lost him right away, and the terror that struck in my heart still echoes.

I’m told they will take me down to him sometime this evening. I always pictured giving birth and having Little Dragon placed upon my chest; dreamed of being the first one to hold him.
I wanted that
. Dragon took that away from me, too.

I hold my hand up and look at it. I had to take all my jewelry off for the surgery, and I haven’t put my engagement ring back on. I can’t bring myself to and at the same time my hand feels barren. I miss the feel and weight of it on my finger.

“Where’s your ring at, Mama?”

I close my eyes and sigh. I knew this was coming.

“Have you seen the baby?” How bad is it that I can’t even bring myself to call him our child. It doesn’t feel like I ever had Dragon as a partner. That sounds stupid, but it’s exactly what I am feeling.

“I just came from there. He’s still holding his own. The doctor said they were bringing you to him in a little while,” Dragon answers.

“Yeah, I only got to see him for a minute because of his lung,” I reply, staring out the window opposite of Dragon. I don’t want to see him right now. Seeing him
hurts
.

“Mama, we have to talk if we’re ever going to get past this.”

“Some things… you just can’t get past.”

“We can.”

“You let me think you were dead, Dragon. You let me grieve for you, hurt and blame myself. You destroyed me and now you just expect me to forgive you and be grateful you’re back.”

“I didn’t have a choice, Nicole. I did what I had to do for the club, to keep us all safe.”

“I’m starting to hate the club.”

“Nicole,” he sighs and starts again. “Mama…”

“Tell me, Dragon, if you could only save one of us? The club or me? Would I lose out to the club again?”

“Damn it, Nicole! That’s not fair. I did what I did to protect what was mine, and that includes you. A man ain’t a man, if he’s weak.”

I close my eyes. I’ve tried to hold it in, but he’s just not letting it go. So I decide to just let him have the cold, hard truth.

“You didn’t protect me, Dragon. Because of you, I nearly lost our child. I still might! Because of you? Our child is clinging to life, locked away from me, instead of in my arms; I can’t even feed him. A tube gets to feed him! You took so much from me, Dragon, I can’t even begin to count it all. So, forgive me if I don’t buy that you did it
all for me
.”

“What do you want from me, Nicole? People were dying. I had to put a stop to it. I was backed into a corner.”

“I don’t know, Dragon, maybe letting me in on what you had planned?”

“I had to move quickly, Kavanagh had too many eyes and he needed to believe that you were suffering. He needed to believe he had won. I didn’t have any other choice,” Dragon says.

That’s when I turn to look at him. Can he tell how cold I feel on the inside? I may never be warm again.

“There’s always a choice, Dragon. You just pick the one that means the most to you.”

“Damn it, Mama!”

“You need to leave.”

“Mama…”

“I’m tired, Dragon. Please, just go.”

“I’m not about to go until we fix this, Mama. You and I are forever.”

I ring the nurse, not bothering to respond.

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Could you come here, please?”

“Are you hurting, Mama?” Dragon asks.

In more ways than I could ever tell you
. I think it, but I don’t tell him. He wouldn’t get it.

“Mrs. West?”

“It’s actually, Miss Wentworth,” I correct her, because right now, that seems extremely important. “Could you escort Mr. West out? I’m just too tired for company and I want to rest up before I go to see my son.”

The nurse looks between us confused, but nods.