Truly Madly Deeply (33 page)

“The pleasure of love is in loving, and one is happier in the passion one feels than in the passion one arouses in another.”

Perhaps, he thought, he may never come back but whatever happened, he always wanted to see Seema happy and joyous. Now that he knew she was, he tried to keep himself happy too. He tried to fake within himself the excitement of settling in a new place, so far from his home. But he could not forget Seema, she was and she would be the happiest memory of his life, no matter the amount of sorrow that had and would cause him. Even if he would weigh the happy and sad memories on a scale, he knew the happy side would sink due to its intensity but his mind argued otherwise.

A rumour of her early engagement with some guy was doing the rounds. He tried to ignore it but it hurt him and brought down his fake excitement. Even though, he had no hope now, some part of him ached with the realisation that she was soon going to belong to someone else. He could not picture her with any other boy. In his eyes there would be none better than him. It was good that he was going away otherwise how he would have faced it, he wondered. He had lost all confidence but still had not lost the certitude to keep her happy. He hoped she would always be happy, if not with him, then without him. Hope was a strange customer and it had never left him, along with despair. If not towards his case to give him glimpses of what could be a happy future, it stayed back at least to warrant her happiness. Rahul decided he wanted to see her, just once, that once, one last time!

***

A RENDEZVOUS TO BID ADIEU!

There was a song that seemed to exist since ages between them and reminded him of their time together – clandestine phone calls, greeting cards stashed in bags to be read at home and gifts buried in study drawers, all came back when it started in the music player of his mind. It was doleful and seductive, and hurt his chest whenever he listened to it. It reminded him of her and eventually, how far away she was from his life.

“Why did I fall in love with you? I did not find you and now
I am lost.

You could neither go away from my dreams nor come in
my arms.”

It was weird that an American radio station was playing an Indian film song and it was not a recent number. Rahul, who had closed his eyes for ten minutes listening to the radio, immediately shot up when the song started. He was in his hostel room sleeping on his bed, having been discharged from the hospital last evening. He was taking rest as the doctor had advised, passively listening to the mundane radio when all of a sudden the lines popped up. It was the same song he would sing to himself when he realised it was the end of the road for him. It caused him invisible pain that did not bother him much but made him repeatedly realise that his love was still incomplete.

But incomplete love stories are also complete in the sense that there is no one to complete them and their elliptical ending leaves marks that cannot be wiped away by the actions of mortals. Destiny also stops playing its part and fate surrenders the game to become an unworthy audience. His love story – even though incomplete, was complete, he had ensured so. He had ensured her happiness and he had guaranteed his decline, he had made sure to write his fate in ugly blotches of the ink of sorrow and he had ended his love story, though his love lived on.

For a moment, he considered tuning into another station which would perhaps be playing a popular Eminem number but his movements did not coordinate with his thoughts. Water swam in front of his eyes and the thoughts finally overtook the movements. They always did.

“NAY! If thou must depart, thou shalt depart;

But why so soon-oh, heart-blood of my heart?

Go then! Yet-going-turn and stay thy feet,

That I may once more see that face so sweet.

Once more-if never more; for swift days go

As hastening waters from their fountains flow;

And whether yet again shall meeting be

Who knows? Who knows? Ah, turn once more to me!”

-Edwin Arnold.

“Why did you call me here? I hope you stay true to your promise that this is the last time you would be disturbing my peace. I have come a bit early because my tuitions were rescheduled. Please don't be under the misconception that I want to talk to you and I'm interested in you!” Seema remarked angrily, making sure she didn't really occupy the trench near the alley which would hide them from passers-by, so that Rahul could not get complete privacy. Thus, both of them remained somewhat in public view, displaying how much the doubts in her mind had sunk in about Rahul's character. He had no clue of half the tales she had accepted from people.

Rahul didn't react, when he opened his mouth, Seema was determined to shut him up forever, she cut in again,

“And stop this romeogiri from now, I'm getting engaged to a distant cousin as soon as the boards are over. Seeing me with you will simply make tongues wag and I don't want anything to do with you, I'm not at all interested in you…”

He had heard about the rumours but hearing it from her mouth, confirmed the news and his sorrow found a voice.

“No Seema, never! How could you be interested in me? How can you love me? You can roam around with other people, give them your precious time and make me jealous but you can't love me. No, you can't!'' Rahul started.

“I'm not here to…” Seema tried to argue but Rahul raised his tone over hers.

“My luck! I know I was foolish, I was such an arse, I was stupid but then God forgives the biggest of all sins, and you being a human couldn't even forgive a handful of my mistakes. One last chance was all I wanted but wanting that chance was also a mistake Seema, Mea culpa Seema, mea maxima culpa!”

“You are mad…” Seema tried to cut her way in but Rahul would not let her.

“Shut up! Yes, I'm mad. Mad for you, mad for your love that I have chased for so long. It was always me who would listen while you talked but no, today it's my turn to talk and yours to listen. Enough is enough!”

Rahul punched his wrist on the peeled off yellow wall of the old chawl behind Seema on which she was leaning for support. A chunk of the wall came off along with the skin of his knuckles. That seemed to calm him down a little, giving vent to his fury. Seema's face was panic-stricken but as always, she did an unerring job of controlling her emotions. Rahul softened up.

“Seema, I know I was wrong on some occasions but I never did anything deliberately. On some occasions it was the need of the hour and on other occasions, I was just following my heart's instincts and I feel that the heart is never wrong. Yes, I agree I was at fault sometimes, due to the influence of some people… or just because of some stupid misconceptions and the situations and challenges that life threw at me.

“Seema, even you were wrong sometimes. I never pointed a finger at you except for the phone call incident which I agree was the biggest goof up my ego caused, but you ostracised me like I was no one at all.

“You know Seema, I have always told myself that love is not like flirting but yes, a bit of flirting is always healthy with the person you love, what you think I do, right? Moreover, that's not casual flirting. It had a purpose. It meant that I loved you, which I still do to the core. But for you, my words remained filmy dialogues; my emotions remained a mere act of stringing words together, whereas for me, it only meant love.”

Seema shifted uncomfortably.

“I love you immensely, Seema. I love you so much, that this life is nothing and even if I had a million lives, I would not think for a second and never hesitate to lay them before your feet, and for me it would be nothing … nothing at all and I can say this with pride today, perhaps the prospect of never getting to see you again eggs me on. I wish there was a word more than ‘love' itself to convey what I feel for you.”

Seema shut her eyes momentarily. Her face was expressionless but ears cocked up. She was listening intently, not caring that the ten minutes Rahul had asked, before she went for her tuitions,
were long over. Rahul's voice softened further as he quoted an
Urdu shayari,

‘Yakeen har rishte ki buniyaad hota hai,

tut jaaye agar to judna kahan aasan hota hai,

Kehna aasan hain humein yakeen nahi hain tumpe,

lekin dard is Lafz ka be-panah hota hain.'

(‘Trust is the base for all relations,

If it breaks, then it's not easy to rejoin,

It's very easy to say ‘I don't trust you',

But the pain these words cause is immense.')

Seema lifted her eyes and tried to look away, but Rahul's gaze held her to where she was, as she was.

He sighed before continuing,

“I know many people told you against me, told you to keep off me. They said I am this and that and I am bad. I was playing with you and toying with your character. I ask, didn't you have faith in me? Didn't you place your trust in me? Trust is that part of the relation without which no relation would stand and once lost, it's difficult to regain. My trust in you was like the small child's; who, when thrown in the air, expects to be caught, but you dropped me down, and not a moan escaped my lips.

“We never confessed our feelings before, but that day I did, would you have reacted the same way, walking out on me if I had told you that earlier during our memorable days when it was quite
evident that you liked me? Even for old times' sake, you didn't stop. Is that all you had for me? All the good times evaporated
like naphtha, the moment some air of misconceptions touched it. I was not asking you to marry me on the spot …damn it! I was not asking you to run away with me. I had a point, didn't I? It was understood that I will marry you the right way after talking it out with the elders. It's ok with me if I cannot date you, if I cannot romance you, but at least I will get you in my life, which is all I have lived for!

“Once I stand on my feet, I would desire your hand. When I am in a position to give you all the happiness in the world, both abstract and materialistic, we can begin a new life. You just had to say a simple ‘YES' to a marriage proposal which comes from a boy whom you have liked and dumped without even trying to sort it out!

“Love never comes with a brochure of rules and regulations, a prospectus with guides of what is acceptable and what is abominable. It's a standard to follow your heart, and that's what I did and if doing that hurt you, then I'm sorry… sorry for coming in your life and wasting your time, for causing you an anguish so great that you could not bear the sight of me. Today, I am proud to stand up and honour myself and proclaim to the world… yes, I loved someone more than myself. I loved someone truly, madly, deeply. I have always thought of love as someone in some mushy film rightly pointed out, like a bird in a cage which you should set free, if it returns; it's yours, and if it doesn't…” Rahul trailed off, his voice cracking.

He paused for a couple of seconds to regain his voice, the brittleness of which was evident when he continued after a stony silence that rang aloud in Seema's ears as a lull before a storm.

He sniffed the air and looked at the sky.

“I know you didn't put your money on me for topping the boards in school. I know you discussed with your friends and debated on whether I would be getting even a minimum of a distinction. No… no… no… I appreciate your thoughts,” Rahul said as he saw Seema opening her mouth to say something.

He absent-mindedly continued, “You didn't congratulate me when I stood third in the school. For you, I guess the rank won't even be in consideration. I would have been first too if I would have been the Rahul of yore, if I would have been like you, if you would have been a little more sympathetic towards my love. If, if and if…it could have been so different. It was so hard to accept that you didn't wish me on my birthday. A single word of congrats or a personal birthday wish would have made me happy, would have caused me ceaseless joy, giving me sleepless nights for a different reason altogether, but I knew you won't have done it and you always fulfil my expectations, don't you?”

Rahul wiped a tear that was covering fast ground from his right eye to his upper lip, with the back of his hand.

“Seema, you're my life, my first love and perhaps my last! They say your first love is your true love and it will find you, but I know, mine won't be the case!”

He closed his eyes momentarily. Opening them again,
he continued.

“You should never have involved your mother into this! She almost went to the principal and my image was destroyed when she talked about me in front of the assembled crowd. But that doesn't matter to me today. She can do it again if she wants, the whole world can be her audience. If that makes you happy, then I am ready to spoil my image and everything else, everywhere. It doesn't matter anymore as long as you smile, because I will only do things that will make you happy.”

Seema didn't look up, when Rahul continued. She was feeling heaviness seep in her chest. She wanted to justify her stand too but her thoughts were frozen by his distressed voice.

“The tears of my eyes watered your heart but failed to evoke a response from the barren grounds of what beats in you. They will still come and I will welcome them because they contain you.
Even if it's pain, it's a gift from you and I cannot decline that because I worshipped you. And if I die, and this kills me …I will consider myself the luckiest person in this world for my God has killed me.”

Seema let out an audible gasp, but Rahul showed her his hand again, signalling her to stop before he continued.

“Someday you'll find someone, perhaps you already have and imagining that sight of you in someone else's arms shatters my already shredded heart and I would have no one to collect those pieces. I do wonder when I go, would you still think of me? Or for you I would still be just another face in the crowd, just one amongst your fifty-five followers, a bad dream that haunted you or a memory that time will erase.

“I will never forget our days together, those innocent encounters and those nervous incidents when you were everything I dreamt off. You still are, but then the dreams had just begun to take shape. Now, I realise how futile those dreams were! If those dreams ever taught me something; they taught me never to dream again. My feelings for you would not be conquered by time. If I had the time in my hands, I wish I could take back those moments that snatched you away from me or maybe just wipe away those ten minutes when you came to me for the first time and I looked into your eyes to realise what love is. I let you slide away from my arms and never realised the pain it would give me, the amount of regret that it will burn into my soul to such an extent that it will rob me of my peace, sleep and sanity.