True Divide

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1

B
abies are
so
unreliable. Can't count on them for anything. Evidently, they also don't seem to understand how arriving in the world two weeks ahead of schedule is sometimes a truly terrible idea. The worst.

Lesson learned: I should have been more prepared. Reading up on things like early labor signs and calming breathing exercises, both of which would have left me better equipped for this situation. Instead, I've spent the last nine months shopping for cute footie jammie sets with elephants on them and tiny down-filled puffy coats I'm positive will make any baby look like an adorable little marshmallow. Unfortunately, neither of those things are of any help right now, no matter how fashionably precious they might be.

But, as far as I know, no one's written a book called
What to Expect When Your Sister's Expecting
. Because that is what I need right now. If I had a copy of this yet-unwritten book, I'd be driving with one hand and flipping through it with the other, looking for the chapter titled: “Early Delivery—What to Do When Your Former Rock Star of a Brother-in-Law Is Twelve Hundred Miles Away.”

Instead, I've fastened both hands to the steering wheel at ten and two, grasping it tightly as my sister lets out another tense groan from the passenger seat. At the sound, my right foot presses down on the gas pedal even harder than before. Eighty-five on a county road in the middle of nowhere Montana? No problem. As long as I maintain my safety-first death grip on the wheel, we'll be fine and arrive at the hospital in record time.

“Lacey.” Kate sucks in a sharp breath, and I whip my head toward her. The jerky move means my hands betray me and we end up hitting the rumble strip on the shoulder of the road.

Correcting, or rather
overcorrecting
, leads to another jerk of the wheel in the opposite direction. I give myself a silent reprimand and try to get my act together once more. I'm a strong, capable woman, dammit. I've got this. Dealing with my flustered state is the last thing my sister needs right now, so I take a centering breath and try to restrain the panic in my voice.

“Jesus. Sorry about that. What? Are you OK?”

Kate props her elbow up on the door trim panel and then leans toward the window so she can rest her head into her palm, eyes closed and her face oddly relaxed.

“I'm fine. Just slow down and try to keep it between the lines, please. I honestly don't know who would be worse in this situation, you or Trevor. Patience isn't his strong suit, but your driving leaves a little to be desired.”

And the fact that I'm behind the wheel driving my sister to the hospital, instead of her husband, is the real issue here. This wasn't in the job description of awesome aunt. I'm pretty sure that being the cool aunt means you're in charge of things like fun sleepovers with movies your parents might not let you watch, lessons on makeup, and navigating the perils of your first junior high dance. Husbands are supposed to take the lead on remembering your go-bag for the hospital and getting you there in one piece.

Despite my forgetting said go-bag and managing to kick Kate in the back of the leg while I “helped” her into the car, my sister still manages to look beautiful when she's already a few hours into labor. With a face scrubbed clean of any makeup and her dark hair pulled into a low ponytail, the only embellishments about her are the modest princess-cut solitaire diamond studs in her ears and an unassuming gold wedding band on a still-slim ring finger.

A slight slump in her shoulders is the only giveaway that she might be in pain right now. If it were me sitting there—a whole other story, guaranteed. The only thing that might stop me from wailing about the injustices of the universe and bawling my eyes out would be the avoidance of raccoon eyes. Because I definitely want to look as pretty as humanly possible in those inevitable postdelivery baby-holding photos people snap while you're still in the hospital bed.

But Kate and I are sisters who think differently, act differently, and look like distant cousins rather than sisters. For every dark hair on her head, I have a strawberry blonde one—albeit the shade of blonde I'm currently sporting comes primarily from a bottle. For every trim, thin limb of hers, I have a sweeping curve. Really, the only physical trait we share is the Mosely family's blue eyes. Kate is all unassuming, pared-down beauty, while I'm eyelash curlers and keratin treatments. Thus, she manages to look effortlessly fresh and natural, even when nothing is going according to plan and her husband is currently on a very tardy private charter plane somewhere between here and LA.

“When I called Trevor this morning to tell him my water broke, he cussed so loud I had to hold the phone away from my ear.” Kate gives up a tired little chuckle and a sigh, then adds a gruff rasp to her voice. “ ‘Don't you dare have our baby until I get there, Mosely. You hear me? Hold your breath or something. I don't give a shit, just wait for me.' ”

I offer a soft laugh in response to Kate's anecdote. Nothing about this story sounds like anything less than truth, because Trevor manages to make even the coarsest, crudest, most forthright statements merely sound like an ode to everything he loves about Kate. If I didn't know better, I'd swear the man had only one purpose in this lifetime: cherishing my sister with a singular focus that eclipses everything else. Platinum records aside, that is what he's truly gifted at. Seeing it play out is both heartwarming and heartwrenching. The latter, only because wanting that same adoration from someone, for myself, feels like an impossibility these days. I can almost feel spinsterhood nipping at my heels. Even if I'm determined those heels will also be ensconced in a pair of gorgeous Tory Burch mules when it happens.

Trevor and Kate have been here together for the last few months, nesting in our hometown, but Trevor reluctantly took a three-day trip back to their place in LA to wrap up loose ends on an album he is producing. Hoping if he did, it would leave him totally unburdened once the baby came. Kate assured him it would be fine, promising that she would do nothing but eat candy bars and stare at her belly in his absence. She practically shoved Trevor out the front door and tossed his suitcase behind him.

Kate sighs from the passenger seat again. “I reminded him that having a baby doesn't really work that way. Not sure if he was about to cry or punch a hole in the wall. Maybe both.”

“You're the one that married a retired rock-star hoodlum. Can't expect him to clean up his mouth at this point,” I deadpan.

It's been three years since they met, and in that time, despite declaring at the onset that no good could come from my sister canoodling with a guy who uses profanity at least every other word, I've come to appreciate all the rough edges that make Trax so very Trevor-like.

Kate gives a weak smile at my lighthearted jab and suddenly I can see every bit of disappointment there. The palpable sadness that Trevor isn't here merely because of the fallibility of mechanical objects. Like airplanes, which sometimes have parts that break and leave an impossibly passionate man stranded on the ground thousands of miles away from where his wife is, in the tiny town of Crowell, Montana. Two places that couldn't be farther apart in this moment, despite how these two have managed to make a life in both.

What's worse is that my sister has already spent one too many nights at the Stratton County Hospital hoping and praying for a husband to come to her. Once, it was because her first husband, James, was dying in the emergency room after a car accident turned her life to icy shambles. Now, she's on her way there again, wanting nothing but to feel Trevor's hand wrapped in hers. Knowing all that means I would do absolutely anything to make this easier on her.

I offer the only thing I can to make this more bearable. Reaching over to grasp her hand, I manage to keep the car off the rumble strip while assuring Kate that everything will be fine.

Five hours later, Kate is holding a perfect baby boy in her arms and peeking up anxiously at the doorway to her room every ten seconds, in the hope Trevor will be appear there. I, on the other hand, have been continuously clenching and unclenching my fingers, trying to return proper blood flow to my digits. For a tiny woman, she gripped my hand like a pro wrestler for nearly three hours straight. I'm kind of wishing I hadn't accessorized this outfit with lots of stackable rings on my right hand and a slew of bronze bangle bracelets on my left wrist, because between her hulking grip and an awkward stance that pressed my arms into the hospital-bed rails, it was a relatively uncomfortable few hours. Not that I could say that out loud. Because, you know, I wasn't having a
baby
.

But every second of the bone-crushing pain was worth it. Kate was strong and stoic, and she didn't curse Trevor's name or do that thing where women rage against all men for getting them in this position in the first place. She just closed her eyes and disappeared into the discomfort until it was over.

While Kate holds her baby, I make my way to the other side of the room, knowing after so many years of watching her that she needs a moment. She's an insular, independent woman and I do my best to let that play out when she needs it, the same way I've done my entire life as the slightly dopey little sister who has trailed after her, envied her, and exasperated her. Besides, enduring life so tenaciously—with all its little surprises—on your own is something I'm starting to do quite well—thrive and flourish under, really. Even if I once thought the notion of feminist self-reliance merely sounded like a fancy way of convincing yourself that you don't mind eating every meal alone.

Kate's room is relatively quiet, even with her door open to the hallway. An afternoon lull in this part of the hospital means there isn't much to break the silence beyond the low hum and drone of the medical equipment.

This near tranquility also means that the sound of someone slapping a flat-footed sprint down the hallway is easily discernable, every squeak and shuffle of what I'm guessing is a pair of worn-out Chucks coming through clearly. Kate lifts her head for the millionth time and grins at the still-empty doorway until Trevor appears there, coming to an abrupt halt by latching on to the door frame with the grip of one hand.

Instead of barreling immediately into the room, he stops and lingers at the threshold, eyes flickering to mine for a half second before opening his arms wide and bracing them in the doorway.

“I was very clear, Mosely. I told you to wait for me,” Trevor says, voice faltering over our last name. “You don't take direction very well, do you?”

Kate shakes her head and purses her lips together, but whether she's holding back a smile or a wail, I can't tell. “Nope.”

Trevor looks worn down, dressed in his usual garb, a faded T-shirt and loose jeans, and so much regret etches his face. “I tried, baby. Devon and I nearly hijacked some CEO asshole's jet. Simon talked us off the ledge on that one.”

Kate laughs, an undercurrent of relief in the frailty of it. “Oh God, Simon was the voice of reason? Not good.”

Awesome. Apparently, my brother-in-law didn't come alone. Which means I'll get to enjoy a few awkward moments with his tough-as-nails-while-still-gorgeous sister, Devon, and her wildly hot, charming boyfriend, Simon. Ideally, they'll make out in the waiting room and feel each other's asses blatantly, too. That way I can compound my singlehood by watching them carry on for all to see. As if my hand didn't already hurt enough from Kate's eagle-claw grasp, perhaps now I can add an envy-induced headache to the mix.

When Kate stretches her free hand out toward Trevor to urge him forward, still using her other to cradle the baby in the crook of her arm, the room turns so dense and thick with intimacy that all I want is to somehow disappear without either of them taking notice of my vanishing act. Maybe just a puff of pink smoke or a tiny glitter bomb from where I'm currently sitting to denote my absence.

Instead, I stay put and hold my breath while Trevor shakes his head at Kate and closes his eyes for a beat.