True Choices (6 page)

Chapter 6 HER

Rolling over, I can tell Max is out of bed already. I've gotten used to sleeping naked with him. His body heat keeps me toasty warm all night. Now the sheets feel too cold and I get up.

He left me a note in the kitchen. "Went for a run. We'll go out for breakfast. You'll get your phone back tomorrow. Love, M." I walk over to the hallway and look in my purse. He took my phone.

Because I can't talk today. I laugh out loud, a single harsh laugh. I feel strange. Oddly okay with it.

I shouldn't be okay with it, should I? Last night, I knew Max was upset with me and his declaration that I wasn't allowed to speak today seemed like a nightmare. This morning...I dunno....I'm oddly okay with it.

Why, though? I don't have any knots in my stomach...I don't even feel any anger that he took my phone or expects me to obey his command, "Thou shalt not speak!"

I grab a cup of coffee and head back into the bedroom to dress, still trying to figure out my strange okay-ness.

Inspecting myself in the bathroom mirrors, I see a few red marks from last night's punishment. And I'm not even phased by them. I've gotten used to seeing myself with his marks on me. I've gotten used to all of his rules and consequences if I break any of them.

I put the washcloth over my mouth like a gag. I've gotten used to being this new me...is that why I'm okay with this new punishment?! It's just another mark, invisible tape over my mouth?

I realize that I haven't even spoken out loud to myself even though Max isn't here to hear me. And that's why I'm okay with it...because it's me deciding to be?

The other punishments...I've had to submit to them...but Max could easily have forced them on me too. He'd have no problem holding me down for a spanking. But this...this is different. He's not gagging me. He's trusting that I'll obey him. He's telling me what he wants, and it's entirely up to me to give it to him.

I know if I don't obey him, there are consequences. I absently rub my butt at this thought. But even that, I'd be submitting to again.

I’ve been thinking about what he said last night. I know Max doesn't think badly of me or my family. He said he really likes all of them. But he's right that I wasn't raised like he was. My Dad wasn't king of any castle, like Ron is. I was able to get away with a lot as a kid. Mostly, I thought because I was raised more-or-less as an only child, since there's fifteen years between PJ and me. Or because my parents wanted to have a lot of kids and I was their last hope.

Now, I'm seeing that it might have been because my Mom was so indulgent of me. And she never really let my Dad step in to discipline. Not that I was a bad kid...I hardly did anything in comparison to some of my friends! But, still...there were only a few times that I was spanked or even grounded as a kid.

I laugh again, but to myself. I've been grounded, spanked, slapped, and put in a closet by Max. And now I have invisible tape. And I'm okay with all of it.

I want to please Max. I want to give him everything that he demands. I want to bend to his will. And if that means not speaking today, I can do that.

My past boyfriends have all been "normal" guys. They didn't demand too much of me. But I realized in the first month with Max that this side of me...this need to please...has always been there. I do it at work, with friends, with family. I try to please everyone.

I don't push back when my boss gives me impossible deadlines or adds more work to my plate. I took over the cross-training with the accounting department recruiters because I wanted to impress Cruela. And I wanted her to be pleased with me. I don't think that woman is pleased with anyone! But I tried...

And I always give in to Tracy. She's a force of nature. She doesn't even realize how bossy and demanding she is. Laura and I both give in to her all the time, do what she wants to do.

It's just natural to me to be this people-pleaser. The closest thing to doing what I wanted instead of what someone else did is when I decided to stay in business instead of nursing like Mom wanted. She was disappointed, but I don't think she really believed it mattered. Just get a degree, get a husband, have babies.

And I guess that's exactly what I'm doing...still pleasing her. Hearing Max say that she isn't the kind of wife he'd want really upset me last night. I've modeled myself after her, tried to live up to what she wanted for me, from me.

I always thought Mom deferred to Dad, that she was a little old-fashioned herself. She didn't work outside the house, she hated any use of bad language, and liked to think of herself as the etiquette master. But when push came to shove, she really was the one who made all decisions.

And I've never really wanted that in a relationship...to be the decision-maker. I smile at myself. I'm wearing a light yellow dress and sweater. Dressed just the way Max would like. Only with Max, have I had this kind of relationship...being free to just be happy in making him happy. That despite all of his rules, this is all that really matters to him.

I have to let Max make all the decisions for us. I have to trust that he'll make choices that are good for both of us. I have to bend to his will for both of us to be happy.

I hear the front door close and I jump up to greet him...silently, of course. I smile to myself...feeling that familiar pulse from my stomach to my pussy that obeying him gives me.

Chapter 6 HIM

"You were a very good girl today!" Lucy is snuggled in a ball on my lap. She's been needing extra attention all day, keeping a connection between us.

I've missed hearing her voice! This punishment has been torture for me. She's giggled and laughed, but the sweetness of my Lucy has been locked away behind her closed lips all day. It's taken all of my will not to give in and let her speak again. She needs to learn this lesson though.

She managed not to speak all through breakfast. Well...I do the ordering anyway, but she only politely smiled at the waiter whenever he brought her anything.

We just got back from shopping for good running shoes for her. She wasn't happy about it, but she remained quiet.

"I signed you up to start jogging at the gym around the corner." She tries to hide her little frown by lowering her head more. "The track is good for beginners and you can pace yourself. I ordered a pedometer for you too. You'll keep track of your distance and time in a log that you'll show me every Saturday. When you're ready, we'll be able to run together. Would you like that?"

"Yes, Sir." She manages to put a lot of pout into those two words.

"I also signed us up for an Institute membership." Her smile is genuine this time. I know this is her favorite museum. "It'll be a fun thing for us to do together...just like running will be."

"Yes, Sir." She sounds a little more convinced this time.

"We have three weeks until our wedding. The invitations are going out tomorrow, but I think everyone who's invited has already been informed. I have rooms reserved for our families just a block from the restaurant. And I've reserved our honeymoon." She looks excitedly at me, questioning with her whole face to tell her the destination. "Nope...it's a surprise." She slaps my shoulder playfully.

"That leaves one last item of business before our wedding." She looks wary and questioning. "You need to give your two week notice tomorrow." I ignore her shocked look. "This will give you one full week before the wedding to pack up your apartment and work on any final arrangements. I've made all the plans, but you will need to make sure that they all happen how I've specified." Her look is still shocked. I know she wants to say something, her mouth keeps opening and closing, her eyes searching my face, her hands gripping the skirt of her dress.

"I'll be busy with clearing up my schedule for our honeymoon. I have a few cases to hand off at the firm and some loose ends with LPE business to handle. The next few weeks, I'm going to be working late and won't be able to provide the wedding details much of my attention."

I like watching her suffer with this. She wants so badly to say something, but she knows if she does what will happen.

"Of course, I'll make time to administer your maintenance spankings." A little reminder of consequences helps her to quiet again. "You have two week’s worth coming. One for yesterday and one for last week still." I wait for her to acquiesce. When she only continues fidgeting with her hands and searching my face, I give her a sterner look and put a little of the impatience I feel into my voice. "Lucy..."

"Yes, Sir!" My good girl.

Chapter 7 HER

"I really have to quit today?...I mean...I could...please, Max, reconsider...I could work until...well...if we have a baby...then I could see...but we're not even married yet..." I've said all of this quietly in the most respectful tone I can think of, but I can still see that I've angered him.

I tossed in my sleep all night. Max said I was mumbling too, but he joked that he wouldn't hold that against me. Gee, thanks. I'm a wreck thinking about quitting. I don't make eye contact with him, just keep my eyes looking out the window at the passing storefronts.

"Lucy, I understand that you're trying. I know you want to be respectful and you're figuring out your limits. And I want to help you." His hand moves my chin gently back to look at him, but his voice is edgier. "Look at me when I'm talking to you." He drops his hand and I keep my eyes on him while he continues. "You may ask me to reconsider a decision, but giving me your reasons for wanting me to is tantamount with arguing. Try again."

I swallow. I want Max to reconsider because I don't see the need to quit right now. Because I like my job and I'm good at it. But I can't say any of that. I swallow again. We're almost to my building. "Max...please reconsider letting me quit later, not today...please."

"Much better." He gently strokes my cheek and I can smell his soap and his lineny-male muskiness that makes me want to crawl on him and bite his neck. I'm distracted from my problem for the moment and I lean in to give him a kiss. I'm rewarded with a bigger smile.

He continues talking, with the smile still in place, "You
are
quitting today, Lucy." My horny glazed look fades from my eyes and I am left with disappointment. He didn't even think about it! "I've given this a lot of thought already. You knew that this day would come; I told you that I wasn't going to allow you to work forever." He did say this, but I didn't think it would be before we had kids. "And I won't have my wife working outside of my home. You will be busy enough just being my wife. And now
is
the time with the wedding right around the corner and last minute details to take care of."

The car stops and Jeff gets out to open my door for me. I start to look away, but stop turning my head when he continues, "I won't always explain my decisions like this to you." His smile goes crooked. "Because I said so is going to be enough explanation for you, little girl."

"...Yes, Sir."

"I will be working late tonight. Jeff will pick you up and take you to your place to get started on packing." He leans over and gives me a deep kiss. Despite the knot in my stomach, I yield to his tongue and feel a little lightheaded when I stand up.

                                                                                    .....

I close the door. Cruela took the news better than I thought. She was a complete sarcastic bitch about it, but better than I thought. She made a snide comment about me becoming some society wife with servants. I'm glad I chose not to invite her to the wedding now.

The bad news is she wants my last two weeks to be spent training the accounting recruiters. And that means working closely with Rich again. She said that she might as well get some use out of me for as long as she can and Rich's new hires could still use some help.

I take a deep breath...now to tell Kevin. And Tracy and Laura. The knot just keeps getting bigger in my stomach...

                                                                                    .....

"Knock, knock." Rich is standing in the doorway, a small smile on his face. "I just got out of a meeting with Catherine. She says you're going to be helping out my team again...at least for two weeks." He comes to lean on my desk right next to me.

I already told Kevin, just before his first interview. He was pretty upset, but then made a joke about not working either if he could find the right man. I wish he was here for this...I feel uncomfortable being alone with Rich. Guilty.

"Word travels fast around here." I move my chair a little away from him.

"So...how bout we go to lunch today to put together a game plan...?" He's still smiling at me, leaning in.

"Um...well...I have lunch plans...how bout we meet at 1:00? I have a few interviews still lined up this afternoon, but I think Catherine is reorganizing my schedule to free me up..."

"All right, it's a date." He turns and walks away. This is going to be a stressful two weeks!

                                                                                    .....

"Can't you just be happy for me?!" We've been arguing all through lunch. Tracy keeps saying the same things over...that Max is too controlling; I shouldn't give up my job; I should be independent and think for myself...blah blah blah. Her same tune about not liking Max at all.

I take a deep breath and try to make her understand this from my perspective. I interrupt her latest rendition, "Tracy. You're my best friend and I love you." She shuts up at least. "But I need you to understand that I don't take orders from you. I am living my life the way I want and I want you to be happy about it for me."

Laura just stares at me. Since being with Max, I've put my foot down more with Tracy. I've not let her dominate the conversations, not let her push us around to doing what she wants to do all the time. This restaurant is a perfect example. Tracy doesn't like this place, but Laura and I do.  But we hadn't been here in over six months. The last time was when Tracy was out sick for the afternoon.

Tracy is just blinking like she doesn't recognize me. She answers in a more calm and quiet voice, "But you
do
take orders from Max, is that what you call living your life?"

"Yes." Both are blinking at me. I don't say anymore, just get up with my cup to refill it with more water. When I return to the table, I pick up my purse, saying, "I have to get back for a meeting with Rich..."

Laura starts to get up too, but Tracy remains sitting. "He likes you, you know?"

"Who? Rich?" I don't want to hear this. The guilty knot is returning and my stomach is way too full to deal with that.

"Yeah. He confessed to me that he likes you at the party." Tracy keeps watching me. "He said he went looking for you...that he was worried about you..."

I only shake my head and continue walking away. Tracy gets up and quickly comes after me though, "And only a few months ago, you would've been so happy to hear that news. I know you liked him too..."

I turn on her as soon as we're out the door. "And it doesn't matter anymore. I'm with Max. I'm getting
married
to Max. And I won't see Rich after two weeks from today." I don't wait for her to respond, I just walk away with Laura closely at my side. Tracy doesn't follow us.

"You really want to quit?" Laura isn't angry like Tracy. She genuinely wants to know that I'm okay.

"Yes." I stop for a second, we were both walking too fast. "I knew marrying Max would mean that I wasn't going to need to work." A blurring of the truth a little.

"But...you're okay with quitting
now
...I always assumed that if I had kids, I wouldn't want to work...but until you are large with child..." she puts her hands out in front of her stomach, laughing. She's so sweet...trying to make a joke to make me feel better. I laugh lightly too.

"I'm sure I'll have plenty to keep me busy just getting used to being a wife before that happens!" And I realize that this is what Max had said. And I'm afraid to think of what he meant by it.

                                                                                    .....

I'm actually happy to be heading to my place, alone. Today has given me a headache. My neck felt like it was a twig waiting to snap. Everyone asking about my quitting. Having to meet with Rich...I don't even want to think more about that. Tracy. Cruela. All adding to the strain on my twiggy neck.

I'm just glad to have this time to myself. I realize that it's been weeks since I've slept in my own bed. I think of Max's place as our home already. Well...it is a lot bigger and nicer.

I open the door and there's a light on inside already. I must have left it on all this time!

There's a note on my coffee table. "I've left boxes for you. Please pack only what you really need or want. The rest will be donated. No furniture, unless it's of sentimental value to you. Love, M."

I look beyond the small living area and see boxes stacked between my bed and dining area. He does think of everything. He's already paid off my landlord for the rest of my lease. All I have to do is decide what pieces of my old life will go with me...

And I'm actually surprised that this makes me so sad. I didn't think about leaving this place. Leaving my things behind. I felt so proud of myself finding this place on my own. Decorating it the way I wanted...well, the way I could afford at least. I liked having my stuff all around, messy or clean, it was up to me.

I know in Max's house, nothing will be up to me. I've come to terms with that....I think so anyway. But I still feel a sadness at giving up so much. At
having
to give up so much...in order to gain so much more. And I know my life with Max will be more...more love, more fulfilling, more of what I want...but still it sucks to look around here and realize that not much is going to go with me.

I lay on my bed and close my eyes...

But I'm bolted up by a knock on my door. Probably Jeff. He said he wasn't going to wait, just to text him when I'm ready to leave, but he must've changed his mind. We both know I have a 9:30 curfew.

"Hey! What are you doing here?!"

"Nice to see you too!" Laura is pushing her way into my apartment. She has a pizza and wine with her. "Max called me this afternoon...said you might like some company and help packing up your stuff."

He does think of everything. I start to cry.

Laura puts the box and wine down quickly and puts her arms around me. "Oh, sweetie...why are you crying? What happened?"

Moving out of her arms, I wipe my eyes and take a deep breath. "Oh, God, Laura. I don't even know why I'm crying!" I pick up the wine and she grabs the pizza, following me into the kitchen. "This is all happening so quickly...I think my head is just spinning!"

"So...slow things down...you don't have to rush into getting married..."

"Yes. I do." She looks at my stomach again and I hit her lightly on the shoulder. "No. I mean..." I take a deep breath. I need to talk to someone! "Can I be totally honest with you...and you won't judge me for it?"

"Like you even have to ask!" But she can see that I'm not going to say anything unless she actually says it. "Yes...I won't judge you. You know that!"

She takes two plates with pizza and I take two glasses and the wine into the dining area. The boxes are staring at us, jury boxes.

"I wouldn't be able to say this to Tracy. But I...I need someone to talk to, Laura." She squeezes my arm and I continue...what the hell, right?! "I don't have a choice about getting married in a few weeks. I didn't have a choice about quitting today."

"What do you mean...why not?!"

"Because you're right...about Max. He is very controlling. He told me to quit and I did." There I said it. I sit back and take a big drink, not looking at her. Above the rim of my glass though, I can see that she hasn't moved.

"But...but it's not like
you
didn't do it...I mean he didn't have a gun to your head, right?" She's trying to joke; I know she's unsure of what to say to me.

"Yes...I had to choose to do it...to obey him." I say this as a whisper.

She only swallows her wine with a gulp at this. She keeps looking at me, then at her plate. "And that's why you were crying...because you don't want to...to obey him?" she says this awkwardly.

"No...Well...I just felt all the stress of today, of the last few months really...I dunno." I shake my head, laughing at myself. "I cried because you're my best friend and you'd want to be here for me. Because Max is so sweet that he'd know that I need somewhere here for this part...Because I've been keeping all of this to myself for the most part...and I just needed to get it out. I needed to be honest with you."

"Well...I'm glad that you are...I just...wow! What do I say?" Laura is smiling at me, a little mystified at my rambling. She's the rambler.

"You don't have to say anything..."

"But..." She sits up a little more, puts her wine glass down and looks at me squarely. "Do you really love Max? Do you really want to marry him?"

"Yes." I don't hesitate in my answer. I know this is true.

"Then...then you're okay with how controlling he is?"

"Yes." I'm shy about this answer only because I don't want her to judge me for it.

"Then...then that's all that matters I guess." She squeezes my arm again, but continues to look intently at me. "I had a guy I dated for a while...it was before I knew you. He was kinda like that. I think about him sometimes still..."

"What happened with him...?" Laura hasn't really told me much about previous guys. I know she broke things off with Tad. She said he just wasn't right for her, even though he made her laugh a lot.