True Beginnings (3 page)

Chapter 3 HER

I wake to the sound of Max talking from his living room. I can't hear what he's saying, but his tone is dangerously close to angry. We didn't talk when we got home. I was too exhausted and he said we could talk in the morning about everything that happened yesterday.

I don't think I've ever slept so soundly. The last several days have been emotionally and physically exhausting. I feel more relaxed and myself this morning. But his voice is putting me on edge again. Curiosity gets to me and I climb out of bed. Grabbing the t-shirt of his I wore two days before, I head towards the kitchen.

Just in the hall, his words come clear, "You don't have anything figured out! You think you can just turn your back and bam...become a different person?! It's not that simple!"

I see him standing with one hand on his hip, in front of the floor-to-ceiling windows. The top-floor view of the city hardscape spans beyond him. His back muscles are tense, looking like a sculpture of a beautiful angry god ready to strike down the city below his feet.

I don't interrupt him, just turn into the kitchen and pour coffee as quietly as I can into the mug he left for me. I'm still not sure who he is talking to or what about.

"He taught us well! You think doing just the opposite of what he wants for you is going to make you a
better
person, little brother?!" So he's talking to Jake. I swallow the hot coffee down hard. I want to slip back into the bedroom and pretend I haven't heard anything, but I know I can't do this. I stay in the kitchen out of sight.

"I
am
a better person! I've lived my life exactly how
I
want. And with Lucy, I
have
exactly what I want!" He doesn't pause long to let Jake say anything. "You think
living
with a girl, pretending that you're ok with Julia's ambitions, putting you on the backburner all these years...you
really
want to tell me that you're ok with that?!" He's almost yelling into the phone. But he pauses to allow Jake to speak this time.

His voice is quieter when he answers, "I don’t believe you, Jake...I know you...and I know that you want more than that for yourself..." A long pause again. "You haven't even been honest with Julia...Mom and Dad haven't even met her." The pause stretches. "I
am
honest with Lucy. She knows exactly who and what I am."

His voice is deadly deep, the chill to whatever his brother has said making me shiver at hearing him. I'm shrinking back against the cabinets, holding the mug up close under my chin, breathing in the warm coffee goodness. Praying that he'll be off the phone soon. I don't want to hear him discussing me with his brother.

"You don't get it...I've never
lied
to her. Lucy knows her place." The pause is short. I'm holding my breath as he quickly continues, obviously talking over Jake, "You
are
lying to Julia. By not being honest with who you are!" He stops. I can hear him taking a deep breath to calm himself. "You think warning Lucy against me will make a difference...then go ahead,
little
brother." I can't tell if he's hung up or is just letting Jake rant.

He hasn't moved. I'm sick with what I overheard. Jake knows what's happened between us...and he wants to warn me about something...I just want to crawl back into bed...

I look up and Max is standing in the doorway. He was so quiet I didn't hear him moving. The phone is still in his hand, now at his side. The look on his face is dark only for a moment. His eyes clear as if a strong wind has blown away the shadow hanging over his brow.

"Good morning,” he doesn't move though. So I go to him. I slip my arms around him, squeezing. He breathes in my hair and kisses my head.

"You heard some of that?" He's not really asking if I heard just how much of it I heard.

"Yes...you were talking to Jake?" I don't really want to talk to him about this. It brings up the stress of yesterday...of his brother's reaction to Stephie mistaking the bruise for something else on my jaw. I look down at my feet.

"Yes. He wanted to confront me about you...well, more than he did last night anyway." Max sighs heavily, rubbing my back. "Jake thinks he has things figured out that he really has no idea about." Max sounds so sad, so resigned. I look up into his face and see the sadness. I reach up and touch his cheek gently. He looks down at me and smiles, "Jake thinks living with his girlfriend, letting her run the show, not seeing our parents, and talking shit to his big brother, means that he's grown up....he has no idea how far off he is." He kisses my head and swats my butt. "Make breakfast, Lucy."

His abrupt change to a command surprises me. It falters me into asking, "So what does he want to warn
me
about?" I stay frozen in place, watching him.

He stops in his turn towards the coffee machine, but only for a second. He doesn't answer. Just pours himself more coffee, taking his time adding some creamer and stirring. I can see his back tensing though, his shoulders rounding, muscles flexing. He doesn't turn to me, "I told you to do something, didn't I?"

It's a soft, edgy, voice. A warning voice. And I respond in an instant. I move to the cabinet under the stove where he keeps his pans. "Would you like eggs, sweetie?" My voice is artificially elevated, made higher by my fear.

"No." He turns to me now, leaning against his cabinet, still stirring his mug. "
Ask
me what I'd like."

I freeze, the frying pan hanging mid-air above the stove. "Oh..." the wind is knocked out of my lungs feeling. “What would you like to eat?" It's all monosyllable, numb.

I still hold the pan in my hand as he answers. "I'll have two pieces of French toast and an over easy egg." He steps towards me and kisses my cheek. "You'll have an over easy egg and one piece of toast...
not
burnt." He tilts my chin up and raises an eyebrow to me, before finishing with a kiss. "We're taking a shower first, so you can start breakfast after." He pulls my hand behind him toward the hallway.

This is different. He's demanding, controlling, as usual...but somehow different...no question about my obedience to his exact demands....I move in a state of numbness. And wetness. I barely have time to put the pan on a counter as I follow him.

                                                                                    ....

I am just finishing the eggs, adding everything to a plate when a buzzer sounds. I jump. My hair is in damp ringlets over the same t-shirt. I have my thong on too but nothing else. Max wouldn't let me get dressed before making his breakfast.

I watch as Max moves in his tan shorts and green short-sleeve shirt towards the front door. I continue putting breakfast together. I have everything just as he asked. I smile. I even added sliced oranges to the plates.

He was rough in the shower. Pushing soapy fingers into my pussy and shoving me hard against the shower walls. I thought he might slap me again, but he only pushed me around and fucked me hard. I’m still pulsing from it.

I freeze when I hear Jake's voice. He follows just behind Max into the kitchen. Max smiles at me, "Get a cup of coffee for my brother, baby."

I am already putting a plate down and turning towards where Max keeps cups, when Jake stops me. He looks embarrassed and doesn't make eye contact with me. "No...No need, really....I didn't realize that you weren't alone, Max." He lifts his eyes to stare into the bright green of Max's.

"Lucy already overhead our conversation from before..." Max is taking a bite of French toast from his plate, looking between Jake and me. "She knows you have something to say to her...why don't you just say it..." he chews loudly, taking a napkin and wiping his mouth. He smiles at me, then Jake. Jake looks to me, then Max.

"How bout I leave you two alone..." To my surprise, Max takes his plate and walks out to the terrace, leaving me in the kitchen with Jake.

I put my plate down on the counter with a loud clank. "Say what you want to say...get this over with,
please
!" My nerves are shot from so many days in stress mode.

Jake only looks at me with such tenderness, that I almost cry. "How are you doing, Lucy?" His voice reminds me of Max...strong, deep, urging, but without the edge of angry.

"I'm fine." I take a bite of my toast defensively.

"Can I see your face?" He almost whispers this...so tender.

I can't swallow my bite for a minute, "...Why...?" I know it's a stupid question, but I'm stalling now. I glance at the terrace. Max is sitting with his back to us. I didn't put any makeup on after our shower. The bruises are fading, but still clearly visible.

"Because I want to see what he did to you," almost a whisper.

I stare into his eyes for what feels like a long time. I notice that his eyes are more of an emerald green to Max's pale pond green. He doesn't blink, neither do I. His look remains soft, sweet even. I remain numb, questioning at best, brows narrowed, mouth twisted.

I finally put my fork down with a loud clang and pull my hair back defiantly from the left side of my face with one hand. "There. Now you saw." I drop my hair, but keep my face turned to the right to hide the marks. My defiance ran out of steam quickly.

Jake moves slowly towards me with his hand outstretched. I'm shocked, but watch as he comes closer to me. I wouldn't dream of letting another man touch me...not in this apartment, not with Max this close, not ever. Yet, I stand still while Jake puts his hand on my shoulder and runs it up the side of my neck to stop in my hair, rubbing my hair briefly before quickly pulling his hand away.

He only repeats himself, "Are you ok?" with a stronger voice, more emotion hidden in the gravel.

I look up at him, my eyes burning with tears. Humiliation, desire to please Max, and fear making my own voice stop in my throat. Finally, I find the breath to speak again, "...you wanted to tell me something...?"

Jake doesn't move away from me. He towers over me, just like Max. "I wanted to tell you that Max..." He turns away, looking out towards the terrace for a second. "I know he loves you..." He keeps starting and stopping, unsure of himself. So different from Max.

I reach for his shoulder, but stop myself and quickly pull my hand back looking guiltily outside. Jake starts again, turning back to me. "Our Dad...he was a cruel man sometimes. He loved us. All of us. But..." He shakes his head, takes in a shaky breath, "But he wasn't always
loving
to us...to our Mom. There were many mornings that I found her crying, hiding what he had done." He looks pointedly at me. "Days when she wouldn't come out of their room...when he wouldn't
let
her." He raises his arm towards Max, "And
he
thinks it was all ok. That we had a great childhood." He lowers his arm, shaking his head again. "You've met my Mom...she's a sweet, caring person...but she allowed our Dad to push her around..."

I interrupt him, but my voice sounds far away to me, "Max said...that your Mom wasn't always..." I don't want to repeat the abuse Max said he suffered as a young boy. "That you were too young to remember...that he protected you..."

Jake's smile is twisted, a grimace, "Yeah...he's told me that too...but I...I can't believe that that's the truth..." He stands taller, squaring his shoulders more. "And you shouldn't believe it either, Lucy." He puts his hands on my shoulders, scaring me again with his closeness. I dart my eyes to the terrace. Max still has his back to us. I keep my eyes on Max. Jake sees my fear and quickly drops his hands and takes a step back. "I don't want you to get hurt, Lucy...because
he
thinks it's the only way to love." He adds, softly, "You deserve better than that..."

I dart my eyes back to Jake at this. "How do you know what I deserve? You don't know me, Jake." I have a little defiance, a little anger in me at being put in this humiliating situation by him. But I finish with almost a plea, "You don't know anything about me..."

"You're right..." He puts his hands up, "I don't know you. But I do know Max. And he'll do exactly what our Dad did. He'll follow in his footsteps like a good little soldier." He puts his hands in his pockets. "He'll change you into exactly what he wants." Max is walking back in. "Is that what
you
really want, Lucy?" Jakes finishes quickly.

"Time's up, little brother," Max stands in the doorway, looking only at Jake. I just look from one to the other, almost mirror images, same clenched jaws, tight faces, piercing eyes. “Did you say your peace?”

Jake looks at me, face still set, “Yeah…” He turns to walk down the hallway to the door, Max following him.

“Wait!” Both men turn, startled, to me. “You didn’t get my answer…” Same mirrored response, both faces turned into surprise, eyebrows up. “Yes.”

Jake only shakes his head and turns to leave. Max continues looking at me, searching my face; finally, he smiles and turns towards the door just as Jake shuts it. He stands with his back to me for a moment.

I walk to the bedroom quickly, tears welling up. I slam the bathroom door shut and lean over the counter, crying. The door bangs open and I jump, crying out, hand to my mouth. Max comes in, but doesn’t move towards me, just stares at me with his eyes narrow. “Wanna tell me what you think you’re doing?” The edge is back in his voice, cutting into the air between us.