Trouble With the Truth (9781476793498) (2 page)

Our father did not extend himself for us in the customary American sense. He didn't play games with us. He didn't have any interest in what we ate—we ate what he ate. It didn't occur to him to buy a baseball for Ben or a doll for me. He never took us to kiddie-lands. He simply shared with us whatever entertained him. He read to us from Tolstoy, Shakespeare, Cervantes, and Chaucer (my name, Lucresse, came out of
The Legend of Good Women
). He took us to regular adult movies and to operas in New York and to plays and museums all over the nation, to foreign restaurants and to the magnificent imitations of European tourist sites that were the homes of his clients. Still, Aunt Catherine's dark suspicions were not completely invalid.

The photograph album of my memory is monotonous: First, me—skinny, stringy-haired at various ages, but always pale with fear—standing in front of some strange woman's desk, offering a progressively
dirtier, more cluttered card of transfer. Then, me—in a party dress, hostess at a birthday party—smiling emphatically into the half circle of my small guests, whose faces I had seen once before in my life. My father's recipe for blending us quickly into each community was to throw a birthday party for Ben or me, and invite our whole class the day after we joined it. Some years Ben and I celebrated as many as four birthdays apiece.

I can see my father now at these affairs. In his early sixties, he was a heavy, solid man with all his own beautiful, even teeth, though his face was deeply lined. He had thick, white hair that somehow refused to stay combed, and he wore suits that had been made twenty years before to last for twenty-five. They didn't look shabby, just a little too big for him. He would stand against a wall, behind the table of paper-hatted children, with his hands fidgeting behind his broad back. He remained each time, silent and smiling, for only a short interval, until after Fred, with tears shimmering behind his glasses, carried in the antique silver tray with cake. Party after party, on Fred's arrival, our newest acquaintances burst into song, and Ben or I truly believed for the musical moment that this was our natal day, and these were our lifelong pals. And, what with the rubbery social code that governs childhood relationships, the guests did become our staunch friends and enemies for the ensuing weeks.

In a way, we owed all of these relationships to Aunt Catherine. At least I did; Ben was gregarious enough to find his place in the neighborhood gang within hours after we explored each of our latest quarters. It was Catherine who pressured my father into letting us attend school in the first place. Public school—private too, for that matter—was among a number of popular causes he did not believe in for us. My father had been instructed by tutors, and when I was five and a half and Ben nearly seven, he engaged one for us. The young man was extraordinarily handsome, in a passionate Sicilian
manner, a dedicated artist who wanted to earn his keep while painting nudes. My father turned the skylighted upstairs hallway of that particular house into a studio-bedroom, and got his protégé a morning job in a local gas station. Every morning, Fred, wearing his beloved chauffeur's cap, drove the young man to work and called for him at noon. After lunch, Ben and I trailed him up to his studio, where he let us feel his muscles and watch him mix colors. He set large pieces of drawing paper on the floor for us and tested his mixtures on them, making big, startling letters for us to copy. For years after, in my mind,
A
had to be fiery orange,
B
a sad misty blue, and
C
a spirited green.

Aunt Catherine's visit that year occurred a couple of weeks into our lessons—we were up to weathered-gray
U
. After kibitzing one of our sessions, she decided that we were learning little else but the anatomy of the human body, a subject in which we were already more than sufficiently instructed, she felt. She was doubly shocked to hear that this constituted Ben's first formal educating experience and she initiated a shrill campaign to get my father to send us both to regular school. He met it with tranquil, heedless smiles and soft reminders that Hui Tsung, Caesar, Cellini, Buddha, and Jesus Christ had never attended academic institutions.

Ben was thrilled with the idea, even though it had come from Aunt Catherine, and I acted favorably disposed to it too, to be a member of the majority. Our nagging campaign was reinforced by Aunt Catherine's weekly letters marked “Important” assuring my father that in twentieth-century America, a “decent” education for the young was compulsory by law, and that if he persisted in denying one to his own flesh and blood, it would be her patriotic duty to report his negligence and irresponsibility to the “proper authorities.”

The following September, our handsome tutor found a studio elsewhere, and Ben and I began—me in the first grade, Ben in the second—our pilgrimages to the brick shrines of elementary learning.

To this day, at half a block, I can detect the salty, musty odor of chalk-dust, child-dirt, disinfected washrooms, steamy gymnasiums, and hot-soup cafeterias; in a very few years we spent time in approximately eighteen sources of this odor, and in an effort to make each new one “mine” as fast as possible, I perfected my own technique for instant blending—a supplement to my father's opening-party maneuver: I lied. This got me noticed and, at its most effective, admired with dispatch.

In one rusted-brick building, outside of Detroit, I confided to an eager, but slow, boy in my second-grade class that one of my eyes was false. I wouldn't say which one, and I glowed for the remaining weeks we were there at the interested, curious stares from the desks near mine. On the playground of a brick structure in Macon, Georgia, I told a yellow-headed little girl that I was really a twenty-three-year-old midget—surely she must have guessed having seen at my birthday party how old my
father
was? In one of my third grades, near Topeka, where I learned to count to twenty in French without knowing from the teacher's flat Midwestern accent that it was the same language my father spoke fluently and Ben and I understood haltingly, a sizable clique looked upon me with terrified envy. Its members had been led to believe that I was actually two people, only one of which they could see, the other being an invisible witch who carried a poisoned comb at all times. My visible personality won enormous respect…
that
Lucresse was courageous and kindly, to keep the other Lucresse from killing off everybody with a sudden vicious touch of her comb.

In Providence, Rhode Island, I picked a credulous, motherly-type little girl to tell that I was in secret communication with Ghostland. I was sort of a queen to its inhabitants. They adored me from afar and wept over my messages and longed for me to come rule over them. My confidante assumed that my family belonged to some weird
religious cult. And, knowing my father's antipathy to all organized religious bodies, I was compelled to threaten that I'd make a child- Ghostlander of her with a wallop on her head if she repeated that derisive assumption. I never used that lie again.

But then it was always more rewarding to think up new ones, test one set of lies against another on different audiences, dispensing with a control group. My timing was fairly good; we nearly always moved before boredom, sophistication, or a more potent attraction eclipsed my magnificence. I was found out and exposed only once and, ironically, that experience, which provoked a virtual earthquake in the foundations of deceit upon which my happiness was built, began when I told the truth.

•  •  •

Wally Noonan, a stocky boy with squinty eyes, whose father was second assistant foreman of the local fire department, had been bedded with the measles when we settled in his town in northern Texas. Wally was the only one of my new fourth-grade classmates to miss my ice-breaking and cake-cutting party—my third that year. By the time he recuperated and came back to school, I was pretty well established. I had dispersed the information that I walked in my sleep (unhappily, that
had
occurred for several nights running after each of our last four moves) and that you could stick pins in me and I didn't wake up. (Not so. Ben, into whose room I usually walked, gave me a punch on the shoulder that unfailingly woke me, causing me to flail in all directions in furious retaliation.) Also, I had released my most elaborate story to date, to a mousey little girl who had a “best friend” who was cruelly extroverted and friendly with practically every other little girl in the class. I whispered that my brother and I, and a sister, had been welded together before our birth. Ben was bigger than I was since our sister and I were so weak from fighting with
him to get free, that when we had broken off, we had to be stuffed back into our mother for another year and a half. After that interlude, we started to wiggle out again, but my sister proved to be still too weak, and by this time, so was our mother. Tragically, they had both perished during the struggle. I could just barely remember how they had screamed and prayed—in some mysterious gypsy dialect—as they died. With rounded eyes, my timid new friend said how “luck, luck, lucky” my brother and I had been to have survived such a terrible ordeal.

The Friday that Wally Noonan recovered from the measles and returned to his desk, in front of mine, we were studying about money. I was finding the problems very difficult, not having had the preparatory lessons in fractions and percentages. The teacher, Miss Lyle, asked me three questions that morning, and I answered all three with a puzzled, suffering silence. Wally, one of the quickest arithmeticians in the class, was openly contemptuous. During recess, when he found that others were willing to forgive my ignorance because of my remarkable history—someone told him about my sleepwalking—he was downright angry.

“Most mothers don't want nobody to know they got a crazy kid that walks around asleep,” he said, squinting at me with dark, resentful pupils. “You shouldn't talk so much.”

“I don't have a mother,” I countered.

“You don't
know
much either. You don't even know how many cents is in a dollar.”

“That might be 'cause she's part of triplets,” my withdrawn little chum offered from the sidelines.

“Triplets!” Wally was intimidated by the credulity on the surrounding faces. “Well, so what? She still don't know nothin' 'bout
money
!”

All the children looked at me to brace their wavering certainty about my tragic history.

“I do so know about money.” Not entirely untrue as I had heard my father mention figures occasionally, usually in the hundreds and thousands. Money was something I guessed he had a great deal of, and that I'd never been the least interested in, until that moment. With my heart jolting me, I said, “I may not know about
parts
of money. But I know about great, big, huge amounts of it. There's a painting over my bed that cost four thousand dollars.”

Wally let out a disbelieving “Haw!” and the others, except for my mousey friend, followed suit and moved away snickering the good- natured, disdainful snickers of in-the-know folk who are too smart to be fooled.

Two relevant things happened that afternoon. Miss Lyle announced that the annual class spelling bee would be held the following Tuesday after school, and that we should invite our parents to it; and Aunt Catherine, having arrived midday for once, was there when I got home. “Jen would be so happy to know we're together,” she was saying to my father when I burst in.

My father called Fred and told him to bring a highball for him and a cup of tea for Aunt Catherine.

“Didn't the painting over my bed cost four thousand dollars?” I demanded.

“What?” said Aunt Catherine.

“No,” said my father. “Seven. It cost
me
four. I sold it last week. Which reminds me, I wonder when that chap means to pick it up. I never did like it very much. But why did you ask?”

“I wonder too,” said Aunt Catherine, looking at me the way she did when she suspected that I had a fever.

“No reason,” I said and escaped.

The following Sunday morning, my father personally awakened Ben and me early. “You are going to church,” he announced. “Today. In half an hour.”

“Why?” we whined, astonished.

Fred had taken us a few times, to whichever one was nearest, professing each time that we were going for a short drive. It was a standing joke between him and my father—that he had put one over on Mr. Briard.

But this time, my father was proposing it. “Think what a nice surprise it'll be for your aunt when she gets up,” he said.

We dashed into our clothes. The joke was being turned on Aunt Catherine! She, who deprived herself of going to worship when she was at our house, as she couldn't take us without a good deal of discussion, was to discover that the infidels were more godly than she was this Sabbath!

Fred drove us, to the Methodists' edifice this time, and let us out. He had to get back to serve Aunt Catherine's breakfast. She loved everything about that—the silver coffee pot, Fred's little bow when he poured for her from it, the broad exaggeration of his normal, slightly Welsh accent that he used to satisfy her notion of British speech.

“Now go in and mind your manners,” he said to us. “I'll come fetch you at twelve.”

Ben and I looked in, feeling the tenor of the place. I saw only one face I knew. Wally Noonan was edging into a pew between two young grownups. He spied me at the same time I saw him and pantomimed his scornful “Haw!”

“I'm not going in.”

“I don't want to either,” Ben responded, for reasons that I was willing to leave unexplored.

We walked around to the back steps of the church, facing the congregation's private cemetery, and sat down. For a while we practiced belching, and then we argued about which end of a piece of spaghetti was the beginning. After that, we argued about the way people pronounced
the word “here” in Pennsylvania and North Carolina. And then we got on to the subject of what we wanted to do when we grew up.