Trouble Comes in Threes (5 page)

I never was very good at that game. Of course I blinked first. “What?” I demanded.

Why were they still both staring at me like that? It was a little creepy how those weird blue eyes tracked my every move. I understood now why some people were afraid of cats… and I did a mental eye roll. Wow, it was possible I’d just passed wuss and headed into…. What came after being a wuss? Well, whatever it was, I was there.

“Okay, stop with the creepy stare thingy, guys. Please?”

Tiger blinked, then strolled over to me and rubbed against my leg, back arched. His rumbling purr floated up to me. When Snowball joined him, I had to laugh. They kept bumping into each other while rubbing against me.

Unexpectedly, Snowball stood on his back legs, his paws resting on my right thigh. “Mmmmeow.”

Those bright blue eyes gazed steadily at me. “What? You can’t possibly be hungry. But that does remind me. I need to clean that plate.” I was talking to them now as if they understood me. Yup, I was so fucked.

Snowball dropped down, and Tiger nudged him toward the living area. While they investigated, I washed the dirty dishes. Tiger chased Snowball through the house, swatting at his hind legs. Snowball shot through the living area and hauled ass to the kitchen, his claws clicking on the floor, tail held high. He made a lap through the kitchen, slipping and sliding across the tile. I stood there and just laughed.

A cold breeze skittered across the floor, persuading Snowball to change directions. He yowled playfully over his shoulder at Tiger, then ran under the kitchen table chairs, weaving his way through them, then took a hard right. His back end slid around, almost turning him in a full circle, and then he sprinted toward the den.

He ran full speed ahead, the other cat hot on his tail. A sudden, sharp turn took him around the coffee table. Tiger cut across the top of the table and launched himself at the white cat. Snowball pulled up short and then jumped straight up when Tiger landed in front of him. He swatted at Tiger, veered off to the side, and ran toward the bedroom, me following them. Snowball leaped on the bed, back arched, as Tiger landed beside him.

Snowball hissed, slowly fluffing up. Tiger prowled closer, eyes slitted. A flash of black, and then there was a blur of fur rolling around on the bed. Snowball rolled on his back, batting at Tiger above him. He managed to get his back legs under him and toss Tiger off him. Snowball ran to the edge of the bed and looked back, his tail swishing back and forth madly.

“Meooow,” Snowball purred mischievously, head cocked to the side.

“Rawl!” Tiger dropped to his belly, eyes following the tail wagging in front of him.

Another mad dash through the house ended with both cats in the half bath, Snowball pawing at the toilet paper while I watched. Alarmed, I moved forward to stop Snowball, but Tiger swatted his behind, this time not quite as playfully, then nudged Snowball out of the bathroom. Snowball followed Tiger into the kitchen and waited for Tiger to drink.

After they quenched their thirst, Snowball and Tiger dropped down in front of the fireplace. Tiger sat and cleaned his whiskers while Snowball lay down, his head resting on his paws. The fire popped and hissed. Tiger yawned and curled his paws under him. His eyes were just drifting closed when another cold breeze raked across his fur.

Tiger lifted his head, staring at the back door. “Meeeow.”

Snowball flopped onto his side, tail moving lazily behind him. “Meeow?”

“Well, that was fun.” Beer in hand, I played cat and flopped down on the couch. I’d glanced out the window in the kitchen while straightening up. It was still snowing hard. Nothing I could do about it, so I clicked on the TV. One hour left until midnight.

I leaned my head back against the couch. It looked as if I was ringing in the New Year alone this time. The two cats ambled over to me. Tiger jumped on the couch, turned in a circle a few times, and then flopped down next to my leg. He leaned against me, paws under him. Snowball claimed the other side. I drank my beer, watching as Snowball squirmed.

“Can’t you get comfortable?”

One ear twitched as he found a comfortable position.

Finally, he got still. The first thing I noticed was the heat these two put off. It was like having my own personal heaters. I sat up enough to swipe the remote off the coffee table—disrupting both cats, of course—then eased back against the couch. They expressed their displeasure with me by kneading my legs, turning circles again, and flopping back down. Once they arranged themselves—and me—in a satisfactory manner, the purring started. That was… nice.

I flipped between shows as I finished my beer. “Okay, boys, I need to get up.”

Tiger opened his eyes, yawned, then glanced at me. The look I received was nothing short of total exasperation. Nice, I’d managed to annoy a cat. Things were looking up.

“Look, if I could levitate the beer in here, don’t you think I would? Now clear out, I’m getting up.”

Neither cat moved. Fine. I shifted on the couch, and sure enough, Tiger’s claws sank into my jeans, holding me captive for a few seconds. I got the message loud and clear: better bring back any goodies I wanted this time. I stood, and as I passed by Tiger, he reached out and lazily batted at me.

My mouth dropped. “You did not just…. Really? You swatted me?”

“Meeer.” Tiger stretched, one paw reaching out toward me again.

“Look, cat, if you want any more tuna, you’ll—” Snowball suddenly leaped off the couch and head-butted me. “What the hell, Snowball?” The white cat rubbed against my leg, back arched, tail held high. Then the bastard swatted me too.

“Whoa, tag teaming is against the rules.” I stumbled my way to the kitchen with Snowball weaving in and out of my feet. “Jesus, kitty, you can
not
do this. You’ll have me on my ass in no time. Especially if I’m drunk.” And I totally intended to get drunk tonight.

Snowball let out a sharp little meow, then left me to check out the water bowl.

Shaking my head at him, I opened the refrigerator door, grabbed another beer, and popped the top. “Guess I’d better hit the john if there’s going to be this much complaining when I try to get off the couch.”

The half bath was closer, so I used that. Now that I was staring at the commode, I was dying to piss. I lifted the seat, unbuttoned, and pulled out my…. And suddenly there was an itch between my shoulder blades. I hunched my back, my body tensing. Chill bumps raced over my skin. What the fuck? Holding my cock loosely, I gradually turned my head… and met freaky blue eyes watching me.

“Jesus fucking Christ!” Well, pissing was out of the question now. “What are you doing, Tiger?”

“Mmmrawl.”

“I’m
trying
to piss.” The damn cat just sat there, staring. “Would you leave?”

Nothing.

“Please?”

That odd blue gaze raked over me once more, and then out he went.

“Thank God.” I used my foot to shut the door. After a few seconds, my bladder unlocked, and I could piss.

Just as I buttoned up, a white paw stuck itself under the door, looking for something to swat. “Oh, for crying out loud, you too?” Something told me the days of going to the bathroom alone were over. At least for now.

After the bitching the cats did when I tried to get up, I decided I’d better bring the rest of the beer back to the den. I returned to the living area and joined them on the couch. We watched the ball drop in Times Square. People cried, threw confetti, and kissed. I finished off my beer and had another to celebrate the new year, which could kiss my ass if it didn’t go better than last year. When I finished the third beer, I was buzzing quite nicely.

Which meant it was time to start on the fourth.

By one in the morning, I was groaning at the sleazy phone hotline commercials. All they had were girls. Where were the studs? By two in the morning, I’d finished the last two beers and was telling the cats dirty jokes. By three in the morning, all I could do was giggle at nothing.

“Whoo wee, boys, think it’s time to go to bed.” I held out my hands—like that would stop the room from tilting—and snickered.

Tiger kneaded my thigh, and I flinched from the sharp prick of his nails through my denim. I really needed to get up, but the effort was too much. I yawned, then yawned again, my eyes watering. Snowball jumped down. Guess my breath didn’t smell too great. That brought on more giggles, followed by another round of yawns. My plan to get shitfaced was a success. Forget the bed, the couch was fine. I kicked off my shoes and undid my jeans. Flopping back, I pulled the blanket over me.

I closed my eyes, the room lazily spinning while some ass on TV blathered on about something. The last thing I heard was someone telling me how to microwave an egg.

“G
AK
.”

Had that sound come out of me? Was that even possible, with my tongue stuck to the roof of my mouth? Okay, that was just unpleasant. My throat was so dry I couldn’t swallow. I peeled my eyes open
—
which took some doing, thanks to the eye boogers—and immediately slammed them shut.

“Uggh.”

Oh, fuck me, sunlight—and not just the regular kind of sunlight—oh no, this was sunlight reflecting off snow. Bright little spikes of eye-watering death rays that wanted to burrow into my brain. Pain drilled into me. Why was the sun even out? Didn’t it know I
hurt
? Even my hair hurt, dammit.

A mad drummer pounded away inside my head, the steady thump, thump, thump making my eyes bulge… or would as soon as I opened them.
If
I opened them again. My stomach roiled uneasily as saliva flooded my mouth. Okay, I went from dry as the desert to slobbering all over the place. If I threw up, I might as well shoot myself, because oh my God, my head was going to fall right the fuck off. I buried my hands in my hair and pulled. Another flash of pain crashed through me, but the urge to puke retreated.

For now.

No sooner did I relax than an ungodly screaming filled the living area. One frightful scream after the other rolled through my house. Fucking hell, was someone being axe murdered right here? And would they do me next, please? One ear-splitting shriek in particular hit an especially high note, and my balls attempted to climb into my body.

I sat straight up on the couch, heart thumping crazily and the urge to piss nearly unstoppable. My vision wavered and my head threatened to explode if that shrill screaming didn’t stop. It took me a second, but I figured out the screaming was from the TV I’d left on the night before.

“Omigodomigodomigod, where’s the damn remote?”

I hopped off the couch—not one of my better ideas—and promptly launched into an odd little dance of desperation that involved feet flying and arms flapping while trying to avoid stepping on the white cat under my feet. I’d have been ten thousand dollars richer if there’d been a video camera around to capture that insanity.

Snowball yowled at me, then shot out of the living area, fuzzed up.

“Are you
trying
to kill me?” I screeched after the cat, then grabbed my head. Oh, heaven help me, my head felt like there were screws drilling straight through my skull.

I wanted to die.

If I didn’t get that TV turned off, I just might. Now that I had a cat-free zone in front of me, I hoped, I lurched across the room and manually shut the damn thing off. Silence swept through the house, the last screaming echo drifting off into nothingness.

“Thank you, sweet baby Jesus,” I whispered. Now all I needed was for the bastard to stop jackhammering in my head. The pressure in my bladder was getting harder to ignore too.

After one of the most satisfying pisses ever, I dragged my ass to the kitchen. The clock informed me it was two in the afternoon. I glanced out the window. Man, it was ugly outside. I hoped we didn’t get more snow. In just a few more hours, it would be dark. I hated this time of the year.

First thing to do was take something for this headache. There’d better be some generic, over-the-counter pain pills in there, or I was going to cry like a baby. I fumbled around, scooting stuff out of the way, until I found the bottle. Pouring a glass of water, I then counted out four pills and popped those babies.

As soon as the water hit my stomach, it gurgled, reminding me how unhappy it was with the situation. Soup—I needed something to eat, and soup I could handle.

“Meerow.” Tiger sat on the counter, watching me fix my meal. Was it me, or did he look… irritated?

I ignored him, but that freaky stare of his was burning a hole through me. I hunched my shoulders and finally gave in, meeting his eyes. “Okay already. Just stop with the dirty looks. Yes, it was stupid of me. I don’t drink often, and a six-pack was too much. Sorry.”

Snowball poked his head around a cabinet and let out a sad little cry. Well, now I really felt like an ass. I hadn’t meant to yell at him earlier. Sighing, I went over to him. I crouched down and held out my hand. Snowball, body low to the ground and ears laid back, eased a few steps over to me.

“Come on, pretty kitty.” I wiggled my fingers, trying to entice him closer. “I’m sorry, Snowball. I didn’t mean to yell. I just feel like shit, and yeah, who’s to blame for that, right? I’m not used to having cats around, okay? I didn’t think about you being under my feet. Don’t be mad, please?”

Blue eyes studied me, tail whipping behind him. He finally sniffed my fingers, ears relaxing. Relieved, I ran my hand down his back several times. “Guess we’re okay, huh?” I scratched his ears but eased him back, the purring making me grin. “Yeah, we’re okay.”

I stood up and brushed off my jeans. That reminded me. I hadn’t taken a shower last night, and I needed to check the litter box.

“Huh.” The litter box was clean. “Nothing. Did you guys not need to use it any last night? Want to go outside instead?”

Both cats stared at me.

“I promise I’ll let you back in.”

They both headed toward the door. I let them out, and damn, we definitely got the foot of snow they forecasted—if not more. I had to laugh as they tiptoed through the fluffy white stuff, then disappeared around the back of the house. Soon, they came prancing back. Relieved, I let them inside.