Trouble According to Humphrey (4 page)

“Don’t worry, I won’t!” I squeaked at her. Hamsters are for children! Try telling that to Principal Morales or Aldo or even Mrs. Brisbane.

The older woman slowly approached the cage and leaned over to get a closer look at me—but not too close.

“Don’t worry, Grandma. He won’t hurt you,” said Seth.

“Is it clean?” she asked.

“Probably cleaner than I am,” Seth joked.

Grandma didn’t crack a smile. “I’m afraid that might be all too true,” she said. She backed away from my cage and left the room.

“You’d better give him some fresh water,” Seth’s mom suggested. “And some food.”

At least Seth’s mom didn’t call me an “it,” which I always appreciate.

Once I was settled in, Seth started playing video
games. He didn’t merely sit and play. He bounced and bobbed, he shook and shimmied, he rattled and rocked. I was feeling kind of woozy, so I crawled into my sleeping hut for a nice doze. I woke up when Seth’s mom announced that dinner was ready. Luckily, the den had a big wide opening right into the kitchen, which is where the family sat down to eat.

Dinners at my classmates’ houses are always fun, too—there are yummy smells and interesting things to hear, all about one person’s day at work and another person’s day at school. Some people were loud while they ate, like Lower-Your-Voice-A.J. and his family. Some people were quiet, like Tabitha and her foster mom.

Seth’s family didn’t talk much, but when they did, it was always about one subject: Seth.

“Can’t you sit still?” asked Lucinda, in a superior tone of voice I didn’t care for.

“I am sitting still,” said Seth.

“You are not! You bumped the table. See, my water spilled,” his sister replied.

“Do try and be calm, honey,” Seth’s mom said.

“In my day,” Grandma began, then started over in a much more dramatic voice. “In
my
day, boys and girls had to sit still at the table without saying a word. That was what we called manners. Are you listening?”

“Yes, ma’am,” said Seth, sounding quite miserable.

Everything was quiet for a while except for the clinking and clanking of knives and forks (I don’t know why humans need those when they have a perfectly good set
of paws, like I do). Then Lucinda exclaimed, “He’s doing it again!”

“What?” said Seth.

“You know what. Shaking your legs.”

“Sorry,
Cindy
,” he said.

“My name is Lucinda!” she answered icily.

“You used to like to be called Cindy.”

“Well, I don’t now.”

Seth and his family were silent for a while until Lucinda clanked her fork loudly and said, “Oh, really! If you bump that table leg one more time, I’ll—”

“It was an accident,” said Seth.

“Kids, please.” Seth’s mom sounded tired.

“In my day,” Grandma began again. “In
my
day, children were not allowed to argue at the table.”

“I’ll bet Seth can’t stay still for one minute,” said Lucinda in a nasty voice.

“I’ll bet you can’t stay still for two minutes,” said Seth.

“June, you should not allow your children to gamble,” Grandma grumbled. “In
my
day—”

“Mother, you’re not helping,” said June, which was true.

“—my mother wouldn’t allow us to make bets.”

This conversation was getting on my nerves, so I hopped on my wheel to try and relax. Unfortunately, my wheel always makes an annoying SCREECH!

“What on earth is that creature doing?” asked Grandma.

“He’s on his exercise wheel. It’s good for him,” Seth replied.

Grandma sniffed loudly. “I guess nobody around here can sit still except me.”

“Well,
I
certainly can,” Lucinda objected.

“You move as much as anybody,” said Seth. “Look, you just blinked!”

“Blinking doesn’t count! Banging the table like you do—that counts.” Somebody, maybe Lucinda, banged a hand on the table. I could tell because the dishes rattled.

Someone else—I’m guessing it was Seth—banged a hand on the table, too.

“That’s enough!” Seth’s mom sounded as if she was about to explode. “Night after night, all you do is bicker about who’s sitting still and who’s not and who’s right and who’s wrong! Well, I’ve had it. We’re going to leave the table and go into the den and settle this once and for all.”

“For goodness’ sakes! And let my dinner get cold?” Grandma asked in a sad little voice.

“It’s a salad. It’s supposed to be cold,” said June. I’d heard irritated moms before, but she sounded as if she’d really had it.

She marched into the den, and surprisingly, Lucinda, Seth and Grandma followed.

“Now, just sit down on the couch,” she said firmly.

“In my day, children—even adult children—didn’t address their parents in that tone of voice,” said Grandma.

“You don’t have to be in this contest, Mother. You
can go finish your salad. This is between Seth and Lucinda.”

Grandma slowly moved back toward the kitchen, then hesitated. “What contest?”

“The Sitting-Still Contest to see who can sit the longest without moving.”

“What does the winner get?” asked Lucinda.

June thought for a few seconds. “A pair of tickets for the winner and a friend to the movies tomorrow. I’ll also provide popcorn money and transportation.”

“I could take my friend Adele,” said Grandma. “I’m in.” She planted herself on the couch right between Lucinda and Seth.

“Can we take anyone we want?” asked Lucinda.

“You may take anyone who is old enough to go to the movies and behave.” Boy, Seth’s mom really meant business.

I’d been so caught up in this whole fascinating discussion, I didn’t realize I was spinning on my wheel. June twirled around and pointed an accusing finger at me.

“You have to sit still, too, Humphrey.”

I stopped cold and tumbled off my wheel. There’s a trick to getting off a spinning object, which I temporarily forgot.

“Is Humphrey in the contest?” asked Seth.

“I guess he can’t go to the movies. But if Humphrey stays still longer than anyone, he gets a nice big chunk of whatever he likes.”

“Apples!” I squeaked.

Seth looked thoughtful. “He likes fruit,” he said. Smart guy!

June sounded a bit calmer. “Let’s all relax for a minute and take a few deep breaths.”

“Mom, can we move Humphrey’s cage closer? I’m going to concentrate on him. As long as I stare at him, I think I can do it,” said Seth.

“Any objections?” asked June.

“I don’t care, as long as I don’t have to touch it,” said Lucinda. “Besides, hamsters never stop moving. Look at it.”

I realized that she was right. We hamsters do tend to be as jumpy as Seth. Even if we’re standing still, our whiskers are wiggling or our noses are twitching. However, if my keeping still could help Seth … well, he was a classmate, and in Room 26 we stick together.

Seth’s mom pushed my table closer to the couch and checked her watch. “I have a second hand on my watch. In thirty seconds I’ll say ‘freeze.’ At that point you must stop all movement. You’ll be eliminated as soon as you move.”

“Who gets to be the judge?” asked Grandma.

“I do,” said June in a voice that no one would want to argue with. No one did, least of all—me!

“Can we blink?” asked Lucinda.

“Yes, you can blink and you can breathe. That’s it.”

June’s watch was very quiet but I could almost feel it TICK-TICK-TICK-ing away the seconds, the way the clock in Room 26 does when everyone goes home and it’s awfully quiet.

I was pretty worried because I was looking straight ahead at Seth and he was tapping his fingers on the table. Lucinda seemed quite determined with her arms folded tightly against her body. Grandma sat up very straight. (I bet people in “her day” always did.)

“Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two—freeze!” said June.

I froze. The Sitting-Still Contest had begun!

Oh, dear, oh, dear. If you don’t have whiskers, you have no idea how difficult it is to keep them from moving. I stared straight ahead at Seth, who was as motionless as Og is when he sits on his rock. In fact, I tried to pretend I
was
a frog, which is not an easy thing for a hamster to do.

“You can do it … you can do it ….” I sent out my thoughts to Seth. Even though he probably couldn’t hear my thoughts, I figured as long as I could stay still, maybe he could, too. My tail felt like twitching and my nose was itching and I’d never gone so long without moving. Seth stared at me and I stared back.

After a while, Grandma’s chin dropped and her head bobbed up and down. Grandma had moved and she didn’t even know it because she was asleep! She began to snore softly.

“One down,” said June, keeping her gaze fixed firmly on Lucinda, Seth and me.

No one else had made a move yet and neither did I, although seeing Grandma asleep like that made me not only want to wiggle, it made me want to giggle.

Seth was as frozen as a statue and I was proud of
him. However, Lucinda looked like she was made of solid steel.

TICK-TICK-TICK. That imaginary clock sounded loud in my brain. Amazingly, Seth still hadn’t moved a muscle. I tried to keep my gaze firmly on him, though once in a while I glanced at Lucinda. I was beginning to believe the girl had turned to stone. Suddenly, I saw her blink. Okay, blinking was okay, but this was like a double blink. Like a wink. Followed by another and another. Pretty soon she was blinking both eyes, hard.

Aha, I thought. She’s trying to throw me off. Because she thinks that if she throws me off, I’ll throw Seth off. Which would be a shame because even if Seth lost, he had already sat still longer than ever before.

Then it happened. Lucinda’s head twitched and the blinking got even faster until she jumped up off the couch, holding her eye with one hand. “My contact! I’ve got something in my eye!” she wailed, and raced out of the room.

“Two down,” said June, sounding less edgy than before. “I guess you’re the winner, Seth.”

Even then, Seth didn’t blink an eye. He stared straight at me. At
me!
Now I got it—Seth was determined to stay still longer than I did.

I wanted to squeak with joy because Seth had done so well. But there was the matter of this little itch right next to my nose. It was a little itch that grew into a bigger, more irritating itch that grew into an UNBEARABLE TICKLING ITCH. At last, I reached up to scratch it.

“Three down,” said June. “Seth, you
are
the winner!”

Seth leaped up from the couch and jumped up and down, making V’s with his fingers. “I won! Tell Lucinda! I won!”

Grandma’s head jerked up as she awoke with a start. “Whazzit?” she asked groggily. “Did I win?”

“No, Mother. You moved first when you fell asleep.”

“Perfectly ridiculous. I was just resting my eyes.”

“Seth won!” June gave her son a hug. “Now we know you can control yourself if you put your mind to it.”

“I guess,” said Seth. He looked worried. I bet he was wondering if was going to have to sit like a statue forever.

“Not all the time, of course,” said June. I do believe parents can sometimes read their children’s minds. “Just when you need to, like during a test.”

Seth sighed. “I’ll try harder, I promise. Mom, can I call Tabitha and ask if she can come see that football movie tomorrow?” asked Seth.

“I’ll call her mother after dinner,” said June.

Lucinda wandered in, rubbing her eye. “Stupid contact lens. I don’t suppose we can have a rematch.”

“Anytime you want,” said Seth confidently.

“I’ll
have a rematch,” said Grandma.

“No rematches,” June stated firmly. “Now, what do you say we order some pizza to go with that salad?”

“They didn’t have pizza in your day, Grandma, did they?” Lucinda asked.

“Pizza! In my day, we
invented
pizza! Pepperoni and onions for me, hold the peppers.”

I was glad they weren’t arguing anymore, but I hoped
I
wouldn’t have to hold the peppers. (They’re way too spicy for me.)

The next day, as promised, June took Seth and Tabitha to see the football movie at the mall (a place I’ve never been) and took Lucinda shopping. Grandma stayed home. That made me a teensy bit nervous, because I had a feeling that in her day, people didn’t have hamsters. Or if they did, they did something worse with them than put them in a cage!

For a while, she ignored me and watched a couple of programs on television where grown-ups sat around and argued with each other. Whew! I’m glad Mrs. Brisbane doesn’t let the kids in Room 26 argue all the time. I guess even Grandma got tired of those shows, because she turned the TV off and came over to my cage.

“Let’s get a good look at you, young man.” She pulled her glasses out of her pocket and leaned in to examine me. “Well, you’re just a little bit of a fellow, aren’t you? Not good for much, I guess.”

Me—Humphrey the Hamster—not good for much! I decided to show Grandma a thing or two. I scurried up my ladder, leaped onto a tree branch and hung there from one paw. It was a trick that had never failed to please humans. So far, Grandma wasn’t anything like the other humans I’d met. I swung myself up to my bridge ladder, dashed across it and dove onto my wheel. WHOA-WHOA-WHOA—I almost lost my balance, but I managed to get the wheel going without falling over.