Tropic of Cancer (34 page)

“There’s some food in the closet” he said. “Help yourself! I was just going to give myself an injection.”

I found the sandwich he was talking about and a piece of cheese that he had nibbled at beside it. While he sat on the edge of the bed, dosing himself with his argyrol, I put away the sandwich and cheese with the aid of a little wine.

“I liked that letter you sent me about Goethe,” he said, wiping his prick with a dirty pair of drawers.

“I’ll show you the answer to it in a minute—I’m putting it in my book. The trouble with you is that you’re not a German. You have to be German to understand Goethe. Shit, I’m not going to explain it to you now. I’ve put it all in the book… By the way, I’ve got a new cunt now—not this one—this one’s a half-wit. At least, I had her until a few days ago. I’m not sure whether she’ll come back or not. She was living with me all the time you were away. The other day her parents came and took her away. They said she was only fifteen. Can you beat that? They scared the shit out of me too…”

I began to laugh. It was like Carl to get himself into a mess like that.

“What are you laughing for?” he said. “I may go to prison for it. Luckily, I didn’t knock her up. And that’s funny, too, because she never took care of herself properly. But do you know what saved me? So I think, at least. It was
Faust.
Yeah! Her old man happened to see it lying on the table. He asked me if I understood German. One thing led to another and before I knew it he was looking through my books. Fortunately I happened to have the Shakespeare open too. That impressed him like hell. He said I was evidently a very serious guy.”

“What about the girl—what did
she
have to say?”

“She was frightened to death. You see, she had a little watch with her when she came; in the excitement we couldn’t find the watch, and her mother insisted that the watch be found or she’d call the police. You see how things are here. I turned the whole place upside down—but I couldn’t find the goddamned watch. The mother was furious. I liked her too, in spite of everything. She was even better-looking than the daughter. Here—I’ll show you a letter I started to write her. I’m in love with her…”

“With the
mother
?”

“Sure. Why not? If I had seen the mother first I’d never have looked at the daughter. How did I know she was only fifteen? You don’t ask a cunt how old she is before you lay her, do you?”

“Joe, there’s something funny about this. You’re not shitting me, are you?”

“Am I shitting you? Here—look at this!” And he shows me the water colors the girl had made—cute little things—a knife and a loaf of bread, the table and teapot, everything running uphill. “She was in love with me,” he said. “She was just like a child. I had to tell her when to brush her teeth and how to put her, hat on. Here—look at the lollypops! I used to buy her a few lollypops every day—she liked them.”

“Well, what did she do when her parents came to take her away? Didn’t she put up a row?”

“She cried a little, that’s all. What
could
she do? She’s under age… I had to promise never to see her again, never to write her either. That’s what I’m waiting to see now—whether she’ll stay away or not. She was a virgin when she came here. The thing is, how long will she be able to go without a lay? She couldn’t get enough of it when she was here. She almost wore me out.”

By this time the one in bed had come to and was rubbing her eyes. She looked pretty young to me, too. Not bad looking but dumb as hell. Wanted to know right away what we were talking about.

“She lives here in the hotel,” said Carl. “On the third floor. Do you want to go to her room? I’ll fix it up for you.”

I didn’t know whether I wanted to or not, but when I saw Carl mushing it up with her again I decided I did want to. I asked her first if she was too tired. Useless question. A whore is never too tired to open her legs. Some of them can fall asleep while you diddle them. Anyway, it was decided we would go down to her room. Like that I wouldn’t have to pay the patron for the night.

In the morning I rented a room overlooking the little park down below where the sandwich-board men always came to eat their lunch. At noon I called for Carl to have breakfast with him. He and Van Norden had developed a new habit in my absence—they went to the Coupole for breakfast every day. “Why the Coupole?” I asked. “Why the Coupole?” says Carl. “Because the Coupole serves porridge at all hours and porridge makes you shit.”—”I see,” said I.

So it’s just like it used to be again. The three of us walking back and forth to work. Petty dissensions, petty rivalries. Van Norden still bellyaching about his cunts and about washing the dirt out of his belly. Only now he’s found a new diversion. He’s found that it’s less annoying to masturbate. I was amazed when he broke the news to me. I didn’t think it possible for a guy like that to find any pleasure in jerking himself off. I was still more amazed when he explained to me how he goes about it. He had “invented” a new stunt, so he put it. “You take an apple,” he says, “and you bore out the core. Then you rub some cold cream on the inside so as it doesn’t melt too fast. Try it some time! It’ll drive you crazy at first. Anyway, it’s cheap and you don’t have to waste much time.

“By the way,” he says, switching the subject, “that friend of yours, Fillmore, he’s in the hospital. I think he’s nuts. Anyway, that’s what his girl told me. He took on a French girl, you know, while you were away. They used to fight like hell. She’s a big, healthy bitch—wild like. I wouldn’t mind giving her a tumble, but I’m afraid she’d claw the eyes out of me. He was always going around with his face and hands scratched up. She looks bunged up too once in a while—or she used to. You know how these French cunts are—when they love they lose their minds.”

Evidently things had happened while I was away. I was sorry to hear about Fillmore. He had been damned good to me. When I left Van Norden I jumped a bus and went straight to the hospital.

They hadn’t decided yet whether he was completely off his base or not, I suppose, for I found him upstairs in a private room, enjoying all the liberties of the regular patients. He had just come from the bath when I arrived. When he caught sight of me he burst into tears. “It’s all over,” he says immediately. “They say I’m crazy—and I may have syphilis too. They say I have delusions of grandeur.” He fell over onto the bed and wept quietly. After he had wept a while he lifted his head up and smiled—just like a bird coming out of a snooze. “Why do they put me in such an expensive room?” he said. “Why don’t they put me in the ward—or in the bughouse? I can’t afford to pay for this. I’m down to my last five hundred dollars.”

“That’s why they’re keeping you here,” I said. “They’ll transfer you quickly enough when your money runs out. Don’t worry.”

My words must have impressed him, for I had no sooner finished than he handed me his watch and chain, his wallet, his fraternity pin,
etc.
“Hold on to them,” he said. “These bastards’ll rob me of everything I’ve got.” And then suddenly he began to laugh, one of those weird, mirthless laughs which makes you believe a guy’s goofy whether he is or not. “I know you’ll think I’m crazy,” he said, “but I want to atone for what I did. I want to get married. You see, I didn’t know I had the clap. I gave her the clap and then I knocked her up. I told the doctor I don’t care what happens to me, but I want him to let me get married first. He keeps telling me to wait until I get better but I know I’m never going to get better. This is the end.”

I couldn’t help laughing myself, hearing him talk that way. I couldn’t understand what had come over him. Anyway, I had to promise him to see the girl and explain things to her. He wanted me to stick by her, comfort her. Said he could trust me,
etc.
I said yes to everything in order to soothe him. He didn’t seem exactly nuts to me—just caved-in like. Typical Anglo-Saxon crisis. An eruption of morals. I was rather curious to see the girl, to get the lowdown on the whole thing.

The next day I looked her up. She was living in the Latin Quarter. As soon as she realized who I was she became exceedingly cordial. Ginette she called herself. Rather big, raw-boned, healthy, peasant type with a front tooth half eaten away. Full of vitality and a kind of crazy fire in her eyes. The first thing she did was to weep. Then, seeing that I was an old friend of her Jo-Jo—that was how she called him—she ran downstairs and brought back a couple of bottles of white wine. I was to stay and have dinner with her—she insisted on it. As she drank she became by turns gay and maudlin. I didn’t have to ask her any questions—she went on like a self-winding machine. The thing that worried her principally was—would he get his job back when he was released from the hospital? She said her parents were well off, but they were displeased with her. They didn’t approve of her wild ways. They didn’t approve of him particularly—he had no manners, and he was an American. She begged me to assure her that he would get his job back, which I did without hesitation. And then she begged me to know if she could believe what he said—that he was going to marry her. Because now, with a child under her belt, and a dose of clap besides, she was in no position to strike a match—with a Frenchman anyway. That was clear, wasn’t it? Of course, I assured her. It was all clear as hell to me—except how in Christ’s name Fillmore had ever fallen for her. However, one thing at a time. It was my duty now to comfort her, and so I just filled her up with a lot of baloney, told her everything would turn out all right and that I would stand godfather to the child,
etc.
Then suddenly it struck me as strange that she should have the child at all—especially as it was likely to be born blind. I told her that as tactfully as I could. “It doesn’t make any difference,” she said, “I want a child by him.”

“Even if it’s blind?” I asked.

“Mon Dieu, ne dites pas ça!”
she groaned.
“Ne dites pas ça!”

Just the same, I felt it was my duty to say it. She got hysterical and began to weep like a walrus, poured out more wine. In a few moments she was laughing boisterously. She was laughing to think how they used to fight when they got in bed. “He liked me to fight with him,” she said. “He was a brute.”

As we sat down to eat, a friend of hers walked in—a little tart who lived at the end of the hall. Ginette immediately sent me down to get some more wine. When I came back they had evidently had a good talk. Her friend, Yvette, worked in the police department. A sort of stool pigeon, as far as I could gather. At least that was what she was trying to make me believe. It was fairly obvious that she was just a little whore. But she had an obsession about the police and their doings. Throughout the meal they were urging me to accompany them to a
bat musette.
They wanted to have a gay time—it was so lonely for Ginette with Jo-Jo in the hospital. I told them I had to work, but that on my night off I’d come back and take them out. I made it clear too that I had no dough to spend on them. Ginette, who was really thunderstruck to hear this, pretended that that didn’t matter in the least. In fact, just to show what a good sport she was, she insisted on driving me to work in a cab. She was doing it because I was a friend of Jo-Jo’s. And therefore I was a friend of hers. “And also,” thought I to myself, “if anything goes wrong with your Jo-Jo you’ll come to me on the double-quick. Then you’ll see what a friend I can be!” I was as nice as pie to her. In fact when we got out of the cab in front of the office, I permitted them to persuade me into having a final Pernod together. Yvette wanted to know if she couldn’t call for me after work. She had a lot of things to tell me in confidence, she said. But I managed to refuse without hurting her feelings. Unfortunately I did unbend sufficiently to give her my address.

Unfortunately,
I say. As a matter of fact, I’m rather glad of it when I think back on it. Because the very next day things began to happen. The very next day, before I had even gotten out of bed, the two of them called on me. Jo-Jo had been removed from the hospital—they had incarcerated him in a little château in the country, just a few miles out of Paris. The
château,
they called it. A polite way of saying “the bughouse.” They wanted me to get dressed immediately and go with them. They were in a panic.

Perhaps I might have gone alone—but I just couldn’t make up my mind to go with these two. I asked them to wait for me downstairs while I got dressed, thinking that it would give me time to invent some excuse for not going. But they wouldn’t leave the room. They sat there and watched me wash and dress, just as if it were an everyday affair. In the midst of it, Carl popped in. I gave him the situation briefly in English, and then we hatched up an excuse that I had some important work to do. However, to smooth things over, we got some wine in and we began to amuse them by showing them a book of dirty drawings. Yvette had already lost all desire to go to the château. She and Carl were getting along famously. When it came time to go Carl decided to accompany them to the château. He thought it would be funny to see Fillmore walking around with a lot of nuts. He wanted to see what it was like in the nuthouse. So off they went, somewhat pickled, and in the best of humor.

All the time that Fillmore was at the château I never once went to see him. It wasn’t necessary, because Ginette visited him regularly and gave me all the news. They had hopes of bringing him around in a few months, so she said. They thought it was alcoholic poisoning—nothing more. Of course, he had a dose—but that wasn’t difficult to remedy. So far as they could see, he didn’t have syphilis. That was something. So, to begin with, they used the stomach pump on him. They cleaned his system out thoroughly. He was so weak for a while that he couldn’t get out of bed. He was depressed, too. He said he didn’t want to be cured—he wanted to die. And he kept repeating this nonsense so insistently that finally they grew alarmed. I suppose it wouldn’t have been a very good recommendation if he had committed suicide. Anyway, they began to give him mental treatment. And in between times they pulled out his teeth, more and more of them, until he didn’t have a tooth left in his head. He was supposed to feel fine after that, yet strangely he didn’t. He became more despondent than ever. And then his hair began to fall out. Finally he developed a paranoid streak—began to accuse them of all sorts of things, demanded to know by what right he was being detained, what he had done to warrant being locked up,
etc.
After a terrible fit of despondency he would suddenly become energetic and threaten to blow up the place if they didn’t release him. And to make it worse, as far as Ginette was concerned, he had gotten all over his notion of marrying her. He told her straight up and down that he had no intention of marrying her, and that if she was crazy enough to go and have a child then she could support it herself.