Translated Accounts (32 page)

My memory, thinking of past moments, these things of home. My child, her mother, dead or alive, parents, brothers, sisters. Who was dead now? Disappearances, who could say. Later I might see
her, my colleague my love perhaps much later but I would see them. Perhaps tomorrow, it might be tomorrow. Of how things would be then, tomorrow, my child was smiling as also my father, he too was
smiling, my father. A time in the future, not so far away, he does not see us yet we are there, I with his daughter-in-law and granddaughter, he does not see that we approach the house, we are
coming to our home. He is at the window, gazing where, as from afar, as into a past, not seeing me, not seeing me, I walk with my wife and my daughter, I walk with them, are we upon him, he does
not see us. And suddenly that moment, and I am to the rear watching this way that way, while my child skips ahead, that we are safe, we are alive, his son and his grand-daughter, daughter-in-law,
my colleague, my lover, he sees us, yes, they are coming, they are coming, he shouts to my mother, here they are coming, who do you think it is your son and granddaughter, they are coming home! My
father smiling. I could hear no breathing and the body was not pressing against me yet behind once more and I was drifting, aware of the body was to me seeming hard even muscular yet in places
flabby, or soft. I wondered what of
her
who this might be. I saw a woman, her arms were folded beneath her breasts, no eyes were in her face. And I was concentrating, and distinguishing a
smell, sensing it, I would know it. Now a sensation into my toes, bones. The hand now massaging my testicles, I was grateful, my breathing regulated, then too, at peace, it too, I might settle like
that, it was possible, the weight of the arm across me on my side, no, it was ended now and would not resume. I accepted that if it was over that it might yet have been dreams, or temporary, if it
would end soon, would end soon, and I was to have a freedom, freedom coming to me. But for myself then it was how to get from this, it was a plight, and dangerous, I always had recognised this as a
situation with greater danger for myself, the figure, who had me here, this power, more powerful than myself, much more. If I could not escape I would have been in these throes, death throes

displacement, displacement

if who I was, whom I was, identity, who was I, in my space now shifting. Where. And I was drifting, and tingling, behind my eyes, listening I might hear, hearing a rumbling, a groan, all
sensations, and laughter. I could move, moving onto my back and the body as a dead weight moving with me, but what pain now using my wrist this pain so pain, edging along the blanket, the head and
body there at me, my wrists, breathing into me, and on my other side the other body, now backed into me, woman now, was this it, feeling against me, I thought so

it was, then heavy at me, on my testicles now gripping me, my wrists. The covering was heavy, I could barely shift it, now raised from me, hanging, wrapping itself down on me. I was having to
burrow down and out from the bottom, covering, pushing my way out, how the caterpillar might do it, front or backwards, to burrow down. But down only so far, so far. I stopped, fearful and heat,
becoming trapped, I would, heat, heat there.

This gripping of my shoulders begun again I experienced the jolting, sparks thudding pain, and into within my bones what pain pain where I do not know having no control forcing into me I had no
control none could be had this pain agonising gasping from me thinking that thought of myself, thought of myself, always the mediator, I was, always, what did my father do, or for me, betrayal,
community leaders and elders, betrayal, voices can scream from within me, smile and scream from within me it was happening, what, if it was pain it was pain. I see my own woman, colleague, my
lover, she is smiling, the sun in her eyes and she shades them. I see her wipe at the dryness at the corner of her mouth, wiping at the dryness, she has that dryness always. It does not worry her
but myself what is it such a dryness. The sparking comes and goes, spits of light, pin-points, turning over, where my legs. The other body, I knew who this was, this person now here, I knew, who
this was, had led me to here, to this, I knew, and now the weight onto me. Do not move, he said. And if I could I can not move, could not have moved, it was not possible. He forced me forwards, his
hand to my neck, I heard a grunting but not him I think, not him it was the other with him. You have him, now grunting and amusement. I do not want him I want you and laughter you cannot have me
but you can have him so too yes, if it was, what womans, my head is to the side, turning and my neck stiffly as to snap they would snap my neck, bone there backbone my legs from the covering what
pressure these points pin-pricks stabbing

Such a freedom. The calmness of the water. The seabirds had vanished.

I was again in the depth of the dream, boyish, favoured book from childhood, discovering the secret world, how the waves concealed a myriad of things. Swimming far down, far far down, there in
the sea, or ocean, the greatest of depth, the coldness and dark dark waters, searching, yes, secret passageway, in search of the secret passageway, security by three octopi I had to fight for the
right of entry and swim with great difficulty through the narrowest of chambers, tight twists and turns, claustrophobic, ever-pressing, now fighting for breath my lungs swelling to burst, pricks of
light, blue sharp electric voltage gasping gasping, last gasping, kicking hard and the walls of the chamber into a tunnel, would I stick fast here, tunnel, decreasing and with its twists and turns
then finally the brightening, sun rays lined through the water, above that light, safety light, kicking for it this last upsurge towards the end of the tunnel, and into another chamber when
breaking the surface but now the new world and an individual there, a colleague, he handed me a container, it was of tea, inside it was green tea, lemon juice, refreshing drink. It was a sea
estuary of greater size, we had entered a greater sea estuary, the engine chugging, the pilot savouring the approach. There was his respect for this place, I sensed it. Of its three shores the one
to which we sailed took shape distinctly, a cluster of buildings. We were entering a canal system and with wooden footbridges arching at unexpected angles, impressing that here was no theoretical
work but a world, its countless generations of human endeavour, occupying different positions, erected in all different periods down through the past, way way far-off.

These buildings were unique one to another.

A large boat was moving towards us, two employees inside. The boat glided past, the men rowing, neither looked in our direction and were soon out of view. My father. He was there and his younger
brother. I thought of them as the employees, they disappeared for now we were at the jetty, a security having prepared for landing and when he showed me up onto a passageway he returned thereafter
to the launch. I was to wait. Soon came one other security, gesturing to my bag. What of my bag, but I did not wait, only lifting it onto my shoulder, carefully. So to the other side of the jetty,
moored there was a skiff, he was indicating this and then from inside he rowed me a distance, it was to a single-storey structure on one of the outer bands on the eastern perimeter. When I was onto
the passageway there the skiff had vanished and there was a peace

aspects of myself

and for the whole of that evening I remained in my room. By the window, shutters half drawn. The sky was keeping alive

and closeby the moon

and in these patches the water yellowish, not black, not translucent, where it was not black the water, not yellowish, only translucent, the shimmering effect seeming to give a yellow towards
the outer sections

translucence

Other buildings and structures within view were dense, dense objects, strange objects. This place also, now it was strange to me, that it might cease to exist by virtue of my having become part
of it. But I could never truly be part of it. No matter what transpired it would lie always outside of myself. Certain things, they are thought to change but merely recharge, in appearance
dormant

It was very late when I went to sleep and in that last moment of wakefulness forcing myself to utter words. These words shame me now. I pulled the covering over my head in order to say them
aloud, the blood rushing to my face, roaring in my eardrums. What were these words, they are gone from my memory, humiliations, shamed by these things, essences, I cannot say, such humiliations
occurring only when the individual is alone

And on the parapet a bird looking at me while the music of the wind

these are dreams

witnessing the clarity, freshening, the freedom we can desire, we can

dreams

the wooden spars in the wind, boards of the passageways, creaking

Next morning I saw that the shutters had been left as they were and I was up from the floor, my bed, out from my bed, and across and trying to pull open the window, it opening in such a way that
if I could squeeze through my head I could not, only with difficulty, greater difficulty, then could see out, shouting into the morning, not able to stop myself, yes shouting, and the echoes!

And when I managed to close over the shutters

vastness, something of the spirit, godlike

yes, closing over the shutters and remembering my parents, why thoughts of them, I cannot say, I had had to close over the shutters, close over my eyelids, hoping not to think, not to be aware
of any thing, any thing, yes, it was no dream here, no dream world, here were these others, here was danger, we would move carefully here, was it a haven, no, no haven, boyish dreams, haven for
these, and there also I saw the tourists, foreign people, vendors and strangers, if what they were looking for, if they were here why were they, I looked for the elderly, and where were the
children, if our children

But it too was a dream, sea dreams here too. Why we do heal, we do heal

I did not kill him. It is said that I did, I did not. I wonder when these things are said. Who says it. Why. All have aims and objectives, targets they must achieve. We can say
goals, we have goals. I played football. I was in midfield, football player as we say fed to strikers, broke down attacks, attacks by opponents, yes, strikers of the opponents, I was to win the
ball, such was my job, security job, the objective from my role. Break down these attacks, my coach would advise me. How you do it, this is your own self. Think of football, passing play, these
Germans or English, from France, what they do, or from South America what they do, Uruguay, the Argentine, also Spain, they break down attacks. It is what I do. Others perform to a standard that is
greater, Brazil, Italy, Netherlands. It is good, I would not say bad, why? We recognise good play, good players also, of course we must. My coach would say those things, advising myself, his advice
was proper.

What we say do we say

I did not kill him. Why? It then was finished. If it was finished. It was finished, so if he was the problem to myself then it was finished, what

Who says it? People say things. What people? I ask that.

These men would play football. Football is manly, we do not break legs. Legs are broken but it is not as in design, the purpose. This purpose, no purpose. It happens as peripheral, always
peripheral bones do break, they are brittle. Some bones are brittle. Mine are not brittle, nor ever were they brittle, not weakened. Some are weakened. These men look of the strongest but are not.
It is no pretence. They do not know that they are weak. They believe themselves strong, of the stronger and enter the tackle to see only that their legs are broken, pelvis fractured, collar bone
also broken, necks also, they are broken, skulls shatter. People do not know, these men who are strong, thinking themselves so, and we who are their opponents, entering into these tackles that we
might win the ball, the breakdown of attacks by our opponents.

Defenders are also strikers, striking down our opponents.

What do our coaches say?

I would play for my country. It is we who play and play it our own selves. If we are to refrain in tackling we cannot do so that then damage may be done us ourselves. Footballers know it, if one
footballer is one own self, one own self, one person, then one does know it

what

Damage has not been done to myself. My body is strong. In tackles I did not depart in injury, I did not acquire injury, my bones are not brittle. I was in many tackles, I was midfield player,
fed to strikers, broke down opponents.

I did not kill him. Yes I saw this man. I did not know him. I saw him, had seen him, yes, many times, some times, he liked women, girls. He would wait there by the entrance to that place, others
also, what was that place, club, I do not know, for tourists. Women went to there girls went to there. Money exchanged. Of course money exchanged, all goods, cash goods, tourist quarter, if
tourists would go then of course money, tourists are money. He too would know it and he would go to there. He of whom we speak. He is dead. I did not kill him. I knew him but barely, a little. If
he was husband, father, if he was married, I think so. In his own place. People come to here from distant districts, different areas, small towns, village life. And here into here, this is a city,
it is very big, it is a greater change to people’s lives. They have lives in their own places and then into this city and there is so much now that is different for them, they give up their
lives and have new lives, men with family now become single and are with new women.

I like women. I see women, they are the strong ones, we humans, it is women who lead onward, onward, there is the new future and the women give birth to the new people and they go onward. Girls,
if they are young. Younger women, girls. What I am to say. If I so like women, women are good. Girls. Of course girls what age are girls, if they are women, they go to these clubs. Girls. And men
go to these clubs, tourists will go, they are not fools, they bring money, cash goods, they are strangers to this country and bring money, strangers who may be tourists. He waited for them. This
one of whom it is said, said that I did kill him, I did not. It is said that. It is so. Yes I could have, I could have, if I was to kill him, yes. He went to that place, it is a club, he went to
there. I knew this of him as he also knew of tourist men, strangers, that they take the dangerous route, these men, some may be fools, tourist men, their money, cash goods, there is darkness, they
see this for cover, as the cat moves, seeking cover, it moves stealthily, as these men also, they go where darkness is the greater, moving in cover, knowing not who lies in wait, if one lies in
wait, as also we who are in midfield as we are there and the opponent is coming and we brace ourselves and our bodies for impact and force of impact, discovering of ourselves are we of the stronger
or weakened, may we not be weakened please to God, it is our prayer. We could not then survive. Humans are to survive. It is not the weak. People are invalids. In war they are become invalids, but
they are not said to be weak. I would not say this of them. They would have been of the stronger but then in battle or by what means any means who would say, but these people are then injured,
injured badly and thus become invalids, their limbs are gone, blown from them, bombs and mines beneath road surface, designated areas, who does know, none, the cat does not see through layers of
soil and stone and these people do not. Neither, they do not. But this is that they become invalids, they are not weakened people, as others may be. I say that others can be weakened, it is nothing
to say. Human beings are of all kinds different, one to another, no one the same, one to another, we can say twin children identical children but one differs from the other. How so. Not in visual
things. Identical children. Identical adults. These are different one to another. Some are dancers, musicians and poets, others again enjoy games to play, as chess, as cards, they may gamble, some
enjoy to play games of physical feats, so sports, as we can play football, I have said. We are different. But men have same things, yes, women, thinking of women, all men