Translated Accounts (22 page)

Yes, I felt emptiness. Also emptiness in him. Knowing of life I never would have. I would not live. He hoped that in knowing this I would act in accordance. What this did mean, in accordance
with the death to come, my death to come, was it close was it afar, what was it, I am young, younger. You will not live beyond this time. I looked at him. He supposed that I had this knowledge. If
I also knew it. Something, this is what I am saying. He could have seen this, his eyes searched into me. I said, I shall live. But he did not say more.

He was not godly. If he was a spiritual man I do not know. Some said evil. I do not know evil, these terms. Hunger in him, yes, but what was that hunger. Not for life, he also would be dead, he
also knew it. He had no children.

I would not feel much.

Unlike others who would use such knowledge against myself and others, harbouring suspicions always, all times

He was regarded highly, by colleagues, by superiors.

Yes.

I do not know evil.

The proof is our burden. These peoples luxuriate, thinking that we so choose. They luxuriate, as our children.

But what of them. Agencies, may to be international

our children.

Beside this what else to call it but fire, passion, for me to witness and who else but not his own people, he could not have allowed that. Why? Why can we not allow those near to us, those with
us, to understand that this passion is present, ever present. But for me, yes. I was to hear his story, I would to hear his story, of course, know his life, yes. Man of action. Yes. We all, men and
women all.

I have said it how when he knelt onto me, pinning me down, the stench of him, sweat, urine, if he had committed abuses, but he did not commit abuses, only the stench, if it was so

I would not look to him.

It is only to yourself I am speaking only to you. Listen

Who would care about such things. Himself myself. He did not care I did not care, if death is to come, of course. I had no regard for it, for himself. I was aware of it, of one I must discover.
My mind was wandering, I forced myself, again concentrating concentrating. There were these recent events, difficult events, men crowding into the section where those activities occurred as that
intending to compete with each other, of course taking all that they could, if exists respect sharing one from another, manhood one from another. I cannot believe it. And is it a small matter,
grave matter, I cannot believe that respect was so shared. If it was possible, I do not think so.

They made full use of the laxity. None was surprised. If I could say why. Men gain strength, perhaps women also.

He whispered, They will return, it is clear, certain, we cannot act other. You were in earshot. Yes. It can make no difference, if these are your own people, whose own people. I am not familiar
to them. There is no individual basis, personal basis, none. No, nothing is known to themself, so they pretend, smiling, the smile allied to fear. It is not only of foolish people. Listen

The sounds now were there, not thumping. If they were, mildly, not loud, for the sound of it had come to me as through a fog, thickly. It is this therefore that I think the thumping was
controlled, perhaps a knock, coded. But then

I could not, if the cold is there.

What

But what I was to do. Older questions return, and tiredness

not young however I would say he would have been thirty-five years, great shock of hair. It was to this man they referred. The other had escaped? I think so. I thought that the man killed was
one of these but perhaps not, discussions were there, several did discuss this and other occasions. If they spoke to impress only listeners, myself and others, yes, I do not know why, only later he
was killed.

It was tiredness, being so tired, we two. If exhaustion is healthy tiredness, I do not think so, tiredness of our work, operations, what operations, some speak of our
operations, some of duty. I speak of this land, it is difficult and hills there and he was leaning to myself, onto my shoulder, could not walk. I am strong enough and if he also is strong, strong
man, stronger, I too, and he is not so heavy, I could take his weight. But that night, what of it, we had found a space but there was little shelter if a sanctuary, there was no covering only
clothes, what warmth, none but we two and I recall the shivering, shivering, and could not get warm, a time when I never never could get warm, and the wind through us my colleague the same, and
shivering shivering I could not give warmth to you my colleague.

Later was the sweating. I was lying tightly to him, and that was pain and I did not understand, nor then knowing, but later and all was thickness stickiness, stickiness of that, and by moonlight
I saw it now the blood, blood all, and when we ripped the material of the trouser seeing how that the right limb also was damaged at the knee, swollen there and colours of the flesh ugly, yes, I
knew they would sever this leg, so I thought, it would be cut from him, yes, I thought so and he also, looking to these wounds, if some other thing might happen or, if this, until later to myself I
thought I saw it in his face this further a puzzlement, I saw it there, it was a puzzlement and he did not look to me, not to myself, if so he was thinking not leg wounds may be fatal wounds, no,
how can that be it cannot, if so he was thinking, how can it be? if leg wounds may be fatal wounds, we neither of us conceiving of that but how that tomorrow must come of course day will break and
how he might then walk, how to do it as so we must, moving from that territory, if escape, what escape may be, he to rely on myself, of course, and for walking a stick of wood and tomorrow I would
find one and it was tomorrow he was dead, next morning. What I say now, speaking of him. I shall get a stick for you, it is a stick for you tomorrow, crutch for you. He was gripping my hand, yes,
greater pressure, applying to it. His brow was fiery now cold, sweating cold. He looked to me. Tomorrow there is a stick, I said it to him I said I shall find it, there is a stick, I shall find it,
we may escape out from this territory, you may walk, this leg will heal.

What sentiment. Tomorrow I made the escape out from that place, yes, leg wounds may be fatal wounds. He knew it, if there was a truth. I do not know his look. That we then were alive, yes, as
one, no, did I feel that then about us, no, himself myself, warmth of my body yet that night, what of it. What we do say. I can discover what we say, in that process. It happens and we act, look,
it is happening, we act, act is the knowing, saying, speech act. What is your language? If it is my language. He slept by my side, was dead, yes, I think then, holding onto him, if he was dead,
yes. Sentiment. I do know sentiment and international agreements, heads of states, yes our colleagues I do know. Sentiment. But I could not get warm. Not that night, shivering I to give him warmth
my colleague his body, he lay and his pain was there and in his voice, he lastly was talking, and now the blood, blood, so much of it and on the clothes and I to his leg it would not be staunched,
using garments, my garment. And later I was sleeping, stopping sleeping, could not waken, he only by my side and there was warmth but later again was cold and I was awake, so cold, colder. This was
how he died. We then were together.

A relative or neighbour was recounting stories from his own childhood, how life then was in the district, if songs and dancing were punishable offences. Beyond was dark,
wintry, the nights then closed in before evening mealtimes and this was it people might enjoy, all children thinking such a time exciting, older people talking together, stories taking much from
family history, community history, also invention, and all knew it but that such inventions would derive from these sources.

We were in this house for one evening only. A few years had passed since the killing of the family’s two elder sons by State agency. There was one other son, younger son, also two
daughters, married, whose children were here in the house. The younger son was a colleague alongside us on this duty, escorting a guest to our country. He was gone presently to assist in other
preparations. His mother and father were seated near to a window, his mother looking to the door, thinking if her son might return quickly, his father was apart, staring to the window, away.

Our guest was not foreign but one who now lived abroad and had returned home for a period, busy period, many meetings, many people, a lawyer. We had two vehicles. We were six colleagues, three
now outside this house, stationed. Myself and two others inside, the son as said, and one older colleague who had known the lawyer from these earlier times. One month ago military personnel had
fired into men and boys from a football match, killing some, newspapers said was rioting, so also radio, television, all media, servants to the State. This was the lawyer’s return home, why
he was here. Before his visit the family had thought him to be dead. They were not people who followed news events for overseas to come upon his name in campaign writings, political writings.

But I should say when it was known he was returning on this visit few among us knew his identity. We were not advised of it. Not myself. If to be taken into trust, if it was not necessary, it
was not and I did not think such a thing, decisions were made. His name was familiar but I did not know of him. It was the younger son spoke to me, saying the background to it. The lawyer had come
to their home when he was a boy and would stay overnight, people would come, there would be meetings. This was a difficult time following the death of his brothers and all harassments and
retributions then endured by the family. Our “campaigning formation” had assisted the family in their struggle for justice, labouring against the State Security Council, offering advice
and all personal support for advocacy matters. My older colleague could speak of these days when such work was undertaken. Our “campaigning formation” then expended much energy on this,
work of value to individuals, so is argued, but if such energy might have been expended elsewhere greater successes could have resulted. No longer do colleagues attempt such work. These points so
continue to be in dispute among colleagues, some arguing for a return to it.

The relative or neighbour had finished his stories now and our older colleague spoke of the lawyer, explaining how he had come forward in support of our “campaigning formation”, how
in those earlier times for such professional people so to come forward was not known. None offered specialty assistance to victims and grieving families and if only sympathy, not in public. Only
colleagues attempted to bring such cases to justice, if things may be shameful to a people, scandalous behaviours, horrors and all atrocities and cannot be listed, cannot be discussed, if people
cannot know of them. Only colleagues were tackling such work, work for opposition people against all master authoritys, military, securitys, these agencies, servants of the State. Professional
specialty people were despised, lawyers, doctors, all professors. Few offered support. This one now our lawyer, this man was unusual, his name so becoming known. He received all provocation and
harassment from State agencies but continued helping colleagues come to learn such advocacy matters. Charges of terrorism then had been laid against him, the State prosecutors seeking to bring him
to trial that he might be sentenced to many years’ imprisonment, many years. Now he dwelled in foreign countries, had done so for past years. People all were pleased by the lawyer’s
visit. Yes, he was alive and did not bow and did not scrape, he was no servant lick-spittle but one of our people, fighting for our people all peoples. He remained hard-working in these foreign
arenas, knowing many authoritys, higher authoritys, knowing the views of our “campaigning formation” and speaking of these if he might where he might. It was true of the situation and
none was more respected.

I saw how my older colleague attempted to lead the family into these historical accounts, pointing to certain factors concerning the case of their two sons, also the struggle for everyone as it
yet continued. When the father did not engage my older colleague looked to the mother but she also, not answering, not taking part in this, looking only to the children, grandchildren, yes, but
children also may learn. If people understand this. Children will learn. Allow it. Many colleagues are young, younger, they have learned. Adults spoke to them, did not hide things. If the younger
son of this family, how he became our colleague. Has he learned of the world. What of the death of his two brothers. Are things so to be kept secret from children. I also have a child whose mother
is somewhere nowhere, she is disappeared. What we may say. What I am to say to her, my daughter, nothing.

If we must lie to our children I do not think so. I now spoke of this to the family and neighbours.

I spoke further, of how these older ways of working brought greater failures to our “campaigning formation”, bringing little satisfaction, only notice from foreign sources, helpful
sources, yes, but what change this did have in our own country, nothing, there was no change, nothing, authoritys did nothing, only laughed at us, employing more securitys into our towns and
cities, now more, all military personnel. All here knew it. Were we to stand back and allow this. The lawyer listened closely, he was not smoking, I saw it, he always was smoking, not now.