Tragedy's Gift: Surviving Cancer (12 page)

A Ray of Light

We all know the expression, “The light at the end of the tunnel.”
I know I have spent a large amount of my life praying that pain would stop or that fog and darkness would lift. I have struggled with many trials and sometimes found it hard to see even a tiny crack of light break the pitch black.

Many times I questioned myself as to whether there really was a light or if I would recognize it if I stumbled upon it. I have gone weeks upon weeks doubting that I could survive, hating my very existence, and feeling sorry for myself. I have spent many days unwilling to pray because I didn’t believe that it would change anything. However, through all of my depressions and fears and loathing’s, there was always one thing that flickered ever so lightly in the back of my mind and depths of my heart and that was “hope.” Sometimes it was no more than a dying ember, which was sometimes dangerously close to burning out, but it was there.

Many times my fear or anger had nothing to do with my personal circumstances. I would walk through the hospital Pediatrics Ward and not understand why those kids were there. I pondered the accidental death of a dear friend and felt so angry and helpless. I didn’t understand why things like suicide, drug overdoses, suffering, murder or even war exist. I know that there are people in the world that wrestle with the thought of getting out of bed in the morning, whose every thought is a fight to make it through another day in chronic pain or sadness. I am positive about one thing - hope is the gift that God has given us to make it to tomorrow. It is the one thing that humans have that can crack the sky and let a ray of light in and overcome a dark situation. As long as hope is alive, even the worst situation can be overcome.

I have learned more about myself during the writing of this book than I have in all the years of actually living. By remembering long forgotten details, and allowing old feelings to resurface, I have put many things to rest and forgiven God and myself for so many “unfair” dealings. I have a truer understanding of what is important.

I have realized that people in general are more alike than they are different. It is usually the media or society that tries to tell us who we should love and who we should hate, but that is not reality. These decisions should be self-founded and personal. If we really got to know each other it would be very difficult to hate at all. We can see a little bit of ourselves in everyone out there if we take the time to look. We all hurt, we all love, and we all have to deal with life’s “surprises.” None of us are superior because of the job we do, the money we have or the lifestyle we live. God is not concerned with status, physical beauty or fame. To Him we are all the same. We are all subject to trials and thankfully we are all equally as subject to His love and kindness. Hope and prayer are two tools that God gives to everyone. It is our willingness to use them or not use them that separates us or joins us together.

I hope you have been able to see a part of yourself in this book. I hope you recognize your own troubles and triumphs through the situations I have endured. I ask you to forgive yourself of the 100 mistakes you might make today and strive to make only 99 tomorrow. Forgive those too.

Please know that you are loved more than you can imagine, and that when you are at your lowest and weakest point. that is when hope will change everything. Tragedy can truly bring the greatest gifts into our lives if we are willing to see them.

Thank you for taking time in your life to spend a little time in mine. Remember to love those around you and never be afraid to dream great things for your future. Remember, “You have something left to do.”

May God bless you and yours.

Kevin

Survival Equation

If it isn’t already obvious by now, you should know that I don’t have all the answers or some secret formula to share with you. I don’t have a simple solution that explains why I’m still here when so many others have lost their lives to cancer. Although I will tell you what I believe made the difference for me.

When I sit down and add it all up, I find that medical science and technology was a small part of the equation. I believe that it wasn’t so much the medications I was being given as it was how and who was giving them to me. So many times it was the comforting words from a doctor, a nurse or just an employee of the hospital that made the difference. It was the silence of the nurse who decided to read a book by my bedside on her/his lunch break. It was the many friends who spent hours with me, thinking only of me in place of the other things and responsibilities they had in their lives.

It goes without saying that I needed my family camping out at my bedside at different times. I needed my father, who spent three weeks straight without leaving my side early in my diagnosis. I would love to give personal credit to each and every family member, every friend and caregiver who played a roll in my survival. However, it would double the length of this book and more importantly, I fear I would leave someone out. You know who you are and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

When it’s all said and done, it was the simple things and acts of love that gave me the strength to fight and press on into my battle, with my whole heart and soul. For those who need a visual equation I believe this is what it would look like.

SOME +
FAMILY
X
LOVE
= HOPE &

MEDICAL FRIENDS FAITH SURVIVAL

SCIENCE