Traded for Love (41 page)

“It's not. Not at all. Especially when you can't be with the person you love.” I opened the cabinet and took a Band-Aid out of the first aid kit.

“Here, let me.” She took the strips off the adhesive and added antiseptic balm to the cotton pad. “I suppose being involved with Jack was the closest thing I'll ever get to being in love.”

“You think so?”

“Maybe. It's not like I'd know if my condition were changing.”

“How do you feel about him?” I probed.

She dropped her head to the side and crossed her arms over her chest. “I think it was nice knowing he would always be back, or that he would come if I called him.”

“Sounds like love to me.” I closed the cabinet.

“Is that what it is? I thought it was always the endorphin rush, and then the mushy lovey-dovey shit everybody goes ga-ga for.”

We returned to our stations and I put on a fresh pair of gloves. “Love is half need and half want,” I explained. “Part of the need and want is the expectation that the person will come back to you. That's what it means to be attracted, but when you're in love, it's more than that. It's more than expectation. It's
knowing
that they'll come back as long as the way is open.”

Chastity's hands went still on the mixer controls. “He'd come back if I let him.”

“Oh, there's no doubt in my mind he's in love with you,” I said, scooping flour into a mixing bowl. “It's whether you love him that's in question.”

“We both know that's not possible.”

“Maybe you're just discovering your own kind. Love isn't always cut and dry.” I glanced at her out of the corner of my eye. “Would you go back to him if you could?”

She turned off the mixer. “I'm going on break.”

With that she walked out the back door of the kitchen without taking off her apron.

Obsession

A Month After the Retreat

(Emily)

I patted Katherine's back as her head lay against my shoulder.

“Donna, I think she's calm enough now. Can you help me?” I gently lowered the baby into her crib. Donna came over with a small dropper-bottle. “Okay, baby, this won't hurt. You just have to be real still.”

Donna held the baby's head still while I dripped the eardrops in her ear.

Katherine whined and squirmed.

“I know, honey. I know.” I stroked her cheek. “Just a few more and we'll be done.”

Donna rotated the baby's head and I added drops to the left ear.

“Thank you,” I said, drawing the blanket over Katherine's shoulders.

“The pediatrician said we should give it to her three times a day. How long before we do the next dose?” Donna asked.

“Six hours, I think. Until then we can use some infant pain reliever and compresses to help with the ache.” I looked down at Katherine sadly. She'd been fighting a double ear infection for a few days and I felt horrible watching her suffer. I stroked her face. “Just rest now, baby. You'll feel better soon.”

Katherine's nose scrunched up and her eyes squinted.

In the distance, I heard Jack's office phone ring—once, twice, three times.

I excused myself from the nursery and went down the hall into the office. The room was dark except for what little light his desk lamp provided. The ringing continued. “Jack, are you going to pick up your phone?”

He lay on the far couch with his back to the light, wearing the same shirt he'd had on for a week. He didn't respond to my question.

I scoffed and picked up the phone. “Hello?”

“Finally! Is that you, Emily?” It was J.B.

“Yes. It's me. How are you?”

“Never mind how
I
am. Where the hell has Jack been? His ratings are in the toilet! Dowes is
not
happy that his emails about his urban project have gone ignored.”

“Urban project? Hold on.” I lifted the lid on Jack's laptop. “Fourteen-hundred emails?” I whispered.

“What was that?”

“Oh. Nothing. I'm sure Jack's on it. He's … not been feeling well lately.” I peered over my shoulder at my pathetic husband.

“Well, you tell him that if he doesn't call me soon, I'm resigning. I don't have the time to care about the campaign enough for
both
of us.”

“Right. I'll pass on the message.” I wrote down the date, time and J.B.'s name, and added the note to the post-it graveyard on Jack’s desk.

The line went dead before we could exchange the niceties of a pleasant goodbye. It was just as well since I didn't much want to talk to him anyway.

I hung up the receiver and braced my hands on my hips. “Jack Duncan, get off that couch and shower.” He didn't stir, so I walked to the couch and kicked him lightly in the ass. “You've got to snap out of it!”

“Leave me alone.”

In the dim light, I saw that he was surrounded by a mine-field of empty liquor bottles. “You're going to lose your campaign if you don't call J.B. He threatened to quit.”

I double-checked to make sure my phone was in my pocket.

“Fuck him,” he muttered.

“Jack, why don't you call her? We can't live like this. It's clear that you can't operate without her in your life. If you love her, why don't you fix whatever it was that happened and get on with your life?”

“I don't love her.” His arm muscles flexed within the confines of his shirt sleeves.

“How long are you going to lie to yourself?”

“Go away,” he growled.

“If you don't get up, I'm leaving. I can't live with you like this anymore.” I took a step away but felt his hand reach out and take my wrist. He gripped it tight.

“You're not going anywhere. You're mine, do you understand?” He sat up. “Mine! You and Katherine both
belong
to me.”

“Katherine will be fine as long as you pay Donna to take care of her. You can't use her to hurt me anymore. I won't stay and watch you kill yourself. I won't let you use me anymore.” I was bluffing, of course I was. But I'd already gotten him to move, and some movement was better than none.

“If it's not you, it'll be her.”

I was shocked. “You'd use your own daughter to move up in the world?”

“I'll use anybody if it means I get what I want!” The light fell on his face and I barely recognized him. His cheeks and eyes were sunken. He had half a beard going.

“Jack … ” I dropped to my knees in front of him. “Just admit it. Admit that you love her.” Despite the fact that I no longer loved him the way I used to, I still teared up at how pitiful he looked.

“Are you crying?” He swept a rogue from my cheek and stared at the glistening drop on the edge of his finger. “I don't understand you.”

I sniffed lightly and wiped my eyes. “I care about you, Jack. I can't stand seeing you like this.”

“I ruined your life. You said it yourself. And yet you're still crying … ”

I ran my hand over his face, but he took my wrist captive and shrank from my touch. “I don't want this. Stop it.”

“You don't want me to touch you, at all?”

“She was right,” he whispered.

“Who?”

“Chastity …. She said I'd wish it was her touching me. She was right.”

I pulled my hand from his. “It's over, Jack. I'm going.”

“Going where?”

I stood up and walked away from him.

“Stop!” He staggered to his feet. “Remember … Katherine!”

I pulled my phone out of my pocket and held it up so he could see it, then hit the play button on the recording I'd been taking. I watched his face as he heard himself talking about how he'd use Katherine to get what he wanted. I pressed stop.

“If I'm an unfit mother, you're an unfit father.” I slid my phone into my pocket. “I'm leaving. You can see Katherine when you get your shit together.”

(Jack)

I felt my heart slow to a stop as she walked out of my office, and out of my life. My Emily, the one I counted on to stand by my side. She was no longer under my control.

I was alone.

“Emily!” I screamed after her.

Our bedroom door slammed shut and locked. I stood poised and ready to grab her and shake some sense into her when she came out. Fifteen minutes later, she emerged with the baby in one arm and steadying two bags with her other. The baby was whining, her eyes red and irritated.

“Where will you go?” I asked, stumbling after her.

“I don't know, but it's none of your business now.” She took the steps down to the first floor. “Emily. Don't go. I need you.”

“Stop it, Jack. Stop lying.” She reached for the doorknob. The baby squealed and she stopped to stroke her head. “Sorry, honey. I know.”

“What's wrong with her?” I asked.

“She has a double ear infection.”

“It's not good to take her away while she's sick. Stay.”

She scoffed. “You really
would
use her to get what you wanted, wouldn't you?” She shook her head. “You really
are
unfit.” She threw open the door, nearly hitting me in the face with it, and marched out onto the driveway.

Dante was polishing the limo's bumper after washing it. He paused and looked on curiously.

“Take her wherever she wants to go,” I said.

He quirked a brow.

“Do as I say!” I demanded.

Dante dropped his chamois and ran up to Emily. “Mrs. Duncan, why don't you let me drive you?”

She shot an angry glance back at me. When Katherine began to cry, she appeared to reconsider her exit strategy. “Fine.”

I watched in a breathless panic as she got into the back of the limo and closed the door. There was nothing I could do to stop her. She was the one thing I'd had absolute control over. Now she was walking out of my life … and taking my child with her. Because I'd run my stupid mouth, I'd destroyed everything.

No. It'd been destroyed long ago, the minute I'd climbed into bed with Chastity. I'd set myself up for this.

This had all happened because I'd let myself fall in love.

The Next Day

I stood in front of the bakery and combed my fingers through my hair. My heart thumped hard in my chest as I faced the possibility of seeing Chastity. I had a lot to say to her, and I hoped she was willing to listen.

The bell rang as I pushed the door open. Jerome stood at the counter and bristled to attention. I was surprised that even though it'd been months since he'd seen me, he still recognized me.

I walked up to the counter. “Good afternoon. I'd like to see Chastity. Is she in?”

His jaw went slack. “Uh. Just a minute.” He headed toward the kitchen door, but it swung open before he could go through.

Her face came into view and my racing pulse dialed up even further. “Come with me,” she said.

I followed blindly, happily, to wherever she was taking me.

To my delight, she unlocked the door to the stairway and went down silently. We came to the empty lounge and our footsteps echoed as we passed through.

“Where are we going?” I asked.

“Somewhere we can talk.”

She pushed open the side corridor and entered the room where we'd spent our first night together.

Excited beyond rational thought, I watched as she pulled off her smock and draped it over a nearby chair.

“What should we talk about?” I asked, wiping my clammy hands on my pants.

“I knew you'd come back.” She removed a cigarette from the pack and lit it up.

“Y—you did?” I leaned against the wall for support.

“Of course. I programmed you to come back.”

“What do you mean?”

“Jack,” she sighed out a lungful of smoke and rubbed her eyes. “I got you addicted. It was all part of the plan.”

“The … plan? But I'm not addicted to you.”

“Then why are you here? Everything in the universe tells you stay away. Seeing me violates every social convention. You betray your wife, you run the risk of losing your political career, and yet you keep coming back. You don't think you're a little addicted?”

I swallowed the lump that formed in my throat. “I don't know. Maybe?”

“Want proof? Take off your clothes.”

“What?”

“Take off your clothes.”

“My clothes? Okay.” I pushed off the wall and slid out of my coat. Just as I took the brim of my shirt in my hands, she shook her head. “See?”

“What does that prove?”

“That you'd do anything for me.” She shuffled her feet on the carpet. “I told you. I'm the judge who will decide your fate. It's karma, for all the things you've done to other people, for the pain you've put them through.”

“Who do you mean?”

“Your wife. Julia. The whole reason we met was because of what you forced your wife to do. The only reason I ever took any interest in you in the first place was because of a story I heard from another one of my admirers.”

I froze in place. “Who?”

“James. I guess you call him J.B.”

I clenched my teeth. “That piece of shit!”

“He knew nothing of my plans. But aren't you glad he told me? If he hadn't, I never would have made sure Julia got the card and the password. You never would have met me.”

“I
am
glad we met,” I said with a silly grin on my face. “There's actually something I want to tell you.” I fidgeted with my jacket. “I'm in love with you.”

“You idiot.” She shook her head. “I already know that. I told you before that loving me was part of your punishment.”