Touched (2 page)

And for that reason, for years, I only wanted sex from men and I wanted it on my terms. Never had I desired anything remotely close to what I had begun to share with Aiden. I actually didn’t think it possible for me to feel this way for a man, yet here I was; in a haze of want and confusion … and hurt. Actually
hurt
was much too mild a description … I was burning. I was left with a gaping hole that threatened to exacerbate my already broken state. I had been broken before Aiden but I was nicely bandaged. All of the pieces were secure. That’s what worked for me and I had no desire for anything different. It was
my
way. Was my way healthy? No, but I was keenly aware of my dysfunction and I was fine with it, until now … until him. Every interaction with him had entailed an undecipherable and potent mist that flowed freely from him to me … piercing me … changing me.

I wanted to revert to my pre-Aiden state. I was happy, I loved my career and I was in control of my emotions. Actually everyday had been an exciting challenge.  Yes, I was alone but there was a reason I was alone; I was comfortable that way.  Most of that comfort had rested in knowing that the distressed pieces of Aria Cason were safely locked away … lying there … untouched.  Now they were scattered about, taking life and penetrating the very essence of who I was … or who I
thought
I was. Aiden had somehow found the key to that forbidden box and now I was frantically scrambling to get it back.

After dinner, I watched a few episodes of The Big Bang Theory and called it a night. I tossed and turned, eventually falling asleep only to later awake from a dream in a cold sweat.
I was drenched. I crawled out of bed and stripped out of the wet clothes and headed to the kitchen. I sipped on a bottle of water as I thought about the dream; it seemed so real.

Aiden and I were hiking in the woods and I’d somehow fallen behind. When he realized I was no longer trailing behind him, he retraced his steps. When I was in his line of vision, he began walking faster and after a few steps I started walking to meet him. With each step, his appearance changed.  My steps slowed as I tried to understand what was happening. When he finally reached me he was no longer Aiden, he was the spitting image of my dad. He reached out to me and I screamed.  That’s when I woke up.

I tossed on a t-shirt and hopped back into bed, my thoughts swaying back and forth from wanting him to hating him. Would I take him back if his reason for leaving was one I could accept? I didn’t answer my question, but I knew the answer was yes.

I’d placed so much distance between myself and the memories of my father. I was attempting to do the same thing with Aiden but my tactics proved futile; I couldn’t escape him … even as I slept. He was in my dreams, hovering and staring down at me. I hated him and I hated what he made me feel.

I thought back to the last few moments I’d spent alone with him.  He’d left my office that afternoon; I’d stood there rubbing the lips he’d so savagely attacked.  I watched him walk out of my office. It felt like my heart had stopped beating. My eyes watered as my body slowly slid down the wall onto the floor. I was broken, once again. I had felt as though I was watching the scene play out on a movie screen or having a nightmare and I was falling, falling, falling … wanting desperately to wake up before I hit the ground but it wasn’t a dream and I wasn’t going to wake up. I must have sat there wiping the seemingly endless flow of tears for nearly a half hour before I forced myself up. I walked over and took a seat at my desk rambling ineffective pep talks in useless attempts to assemble the newly shattered pieces of my being.

My emotions were scattered and I couldn’t grasp any specific one tightly enough to sort through it. I took repeated deep breaths but they were somehow not filling my need for oxygen. Each breath took me closer and closer to passing out. The magnitude of pain that eventually showered down on me was too much. I was bleeding. I needed to get out of that office. I needed to get away from any memories of him. I fled to the parking garage and jumped into my car. I flew from the garage and darted toward the interstate.  I wanted to drive until I disappeared. Part of me felt that if I drove fast enough and far enough, I could escape the pain that was radiating through every part of me. 

I pulled over to the shoulder to lower the top and rejoined the traffic. I turned up the volume as loud as it could go and just drove. My hair was blowing crazily in the wind, drying the tears as quickly as they eased down my cheeks.  I didn’t blame him for my misery; I blamed myself. I allowed this to happen; I went along with all of it. The hole in my heart was burning. It was growing. I clutched my chest as I sobbed and drove into the darkness of the night. He’d done it. He’d broken me. And for the life of me, I didn’t know where to go from here.

CHAPTER TWO

It had been a month since I last heard Aiden’s voice, with the exception of the voicemail messages.  I finally forced myself to listen to them. The first was sinfully seductive; as was anything that escaped his lips. The second message was a bit more forceful but alluring all the same. The last message indicated his frustration, or maybe anger was a better word, for my lack of response to him. I considered reaching out to him but ultimately decided against it because I simply wasn’t prepared to reopen that door.

I had pushed him aside just as I’d felt he’d done me and his absence allowed for some of the pieces of my life to reassemble. I was rebuilding the relationship with my family which added a different but happier layer to my life. I deeply regretted the amount of time and distance I’d placed between us over the years but I was trying to make up for that now. We all were. Lia and Bianca had blossomed into beautiful, mature young ladies and I totally adored them.  Mom was more and more like her old self; the animated, attentive mother I had wanted and missed for so many years. She’d detected that something was bothering me. I denied it to no end but she wouldn’t let it go. I was skeptical at first; I thought that my story would remind her too much of her own but despite my reservations, I finally broke down and told her. 

“Mom, I don’t understand these feelings.”

“This is a new world for you and I’m sure you’re fighting it at every turn but I think you know exactly what you’re feeling for Aiden. You don’t want to admit it because it goes against who you’ve forced yourself to be for so many years.”

I took in what she said. I knew she was right on both counts.

“This can’t be what love feels like. Why does it hurt so much?” I asked.

“Because it’s real Aria,” she replied.

“If this is love, I don’t want it. I don’t know how I can ever be the same after this.”

“Aria, I know you don’t want to hear this but the truth is you won’t be the same. The kind of love that I know you feel for Aiden alters you.”

“It’s certainly done that. My life hasn’t been the same since the day I met him. It was as if I was someone else. I don’t like this. I hate feeling like this and I just don’t want it anymore,” I said.

“If you’re committed to letting him go, it’s going to take some time and you’ll have some scars but in time they’ll heal.” 

I knew the possibility of scars; they would always be a reminder but what I felt was far more than a scar; there was a gaping wound that I feared would never close. I was silent; attempting to hide the fact that I was crying.

“Sweetheart, I think you should try to contact him. You two need to talk. Based on everything you’ve told me, I think you’ve made some illogical conclusions. This pain you’re trying to manage could very well be futile.”

“Mom, the phone works both ways. Besides, I don’t know how I could ever trust him. He lied. Every day I was with him was a lie. Not only did he lie over and over, he forced me into this freaking job and he’s been so cold-hearted about it all.”

“Aria, if you didn’t want that job, you didn’t have to accept it.”

That was true; I didn’t. But my career was important to me … it’s all I’ve had.

“It’s best to let this run its course so I can get back to being me. With him, I’d become someone that I didn’t recognize, someone that I don’t want to be,” I replied.

“I don’t want to pressure you but please consider my advice. It wouldn’t hurt you to this degree if you didn’t care so deeply for him sweetheart.”

“I don’t know how I feel. I just want my life back the way it used to be. I feel powerless in this situation … that’s not a feeling I’m comfortable with.”

“Aria, you’re such a strong woman. I saw that strength and resilience in you as a child. You know who you are and you know who you want to be, never let anyone take that from you. You
will
bounce back from this because that’s who you are. Don’t ever forget that.”

“I won’t Mom. I’m sorry for worrying you.”

“Please don’t apologize. I’m your mother and you can come to me anytime with anything. I can’t begin to tell you how it feels that you’re sharing this with me. I didn’t think I would ever have the chance to be a mother to you in this way again.” Her voice broke. We were both silent for several minutes.

“Thanks for listening and thanks for your advice. It means a lot,” I said.

“I hate that you’re hurting and I’m here anytime day or night.  I love you, sweetheart.”

“I love you too, Mom. I’ll talk to you soon. Tell the girls I said hello and that I love them. I can’t wait to see you all in a few weeks.”

“I’m anxious too. It’ll be our first holiday as a family in so many years,” she said.

“I know. I’m so excited,” I said.

“I’ll talk to you soon,” she said.

“Okay. Goodbye, Mom.”

I pressed end on the phone and tossed myself across the bed and cried. I hadn’t told her the depth of the pain I was feeling because I couldn’t. It would make her worry too much and I knew it would remind her too much of Dad. It felt like someone had repeatedly kicked me in the stomach.

I sat up in bed and wiped my tears. I was so grateful to have Mom to talk to about Aiden.  I would expect anyone else to think I was foolish to still feel the way I did for Aiden, but not Mom. If anyone, she was the one person to identify with my pain. Funny how I thought it would be weird talking to her about him but it was as though she had been in my life in that capacity all my life. I guess in her own way, she had been.

Her reassurance of my strength meant so much; I needed to hear it. And she was right.  I was Aria Gabrielle Cason and I’d be damned if I empowered Aiden or any man to take that from me. I didn’t want to suffocate in the memories anymore. I didn’t want to miss him anymore. I didn’t want to cry anymore. I wanted my life back. The life I had before Aiden Raine.

The time that was required to readjust my thought processes was painful and lonely. I couldn’t tell anyone the gravity of it all, not even April. The talks with Mom helped but the real catapult to my pre-Aiden state was the day I sat at my bureau and looked at my reflection in the mirror and saw Melena Costanzo staring back at me.  The image that flashed before my eyes was of a woman with deep sodden eyes, malnourished, often catatonic and just a mess. So while I didn’t share my misery with anyone, after seeing my mother in the mirror, I didn’t need to. A switch flipped and I knew that I couldn’t be the person that I had fought over half my life to avoid.

My appetite for food and work, which had become nonexistent, was finally back.  I’d lost a little weight, which angered me. I couldn’t believe that I had allowed myself to travel down that dark path. However, I now understood how it had been possible; Aiden had permanently altered me. I knew that. I accepted that. There was nothing I could do about what had happened, but I could learn from it.  As horrible as the experience had been, some good had come of it. First, no one would be able to break my heart like this again. And second, I needed to make some changes. I needed to live and I needed to love. I would no longer run from it; I would embrace it but somewhat more cautiously than I had with Aiden.

Bright and early Monday morning, I walked into RPH in the same fashion as I had
before
Aiden … with my head held high and with the confidence that made everyone stop and take notice. I was eager to tackle the new challenges that accompanied my recent promotion. It was an invigorating feeling, one that readied me to take on any complication that RPH could present, even if that complication was Aiden Raine.

“Good morning Miss Cason,” Raina said, as I approached her desk. She took in my appearance and smiled. She knew I was back too.

I returned her smile.  “Good morning Raina,” I replied, sauntering past her desk. “Can I see you in my office please?”

“Yes ma’am,” she replied, standing to follow me.

My new office was even more impressive than the previous. It wasn’t overly extravagant, that wasn’t my taste. It was simple but there was elegance in its simplicity. There were lots of squares and clean lines. There was a hand-crafted marble wall fountain imprinted  with the  RPH logo, the back wall was all glass, there was a meeting table to the left, and a huge seating area on the right of the room  complete with a stocked bar. I placed my purse on the rack and walked toward my desk. I couldn’t part with my desk from the twenty-fifth floor ... it was too much a part of me. The interior decorator had brought in some additional furnishings to compliment the desk. She’d done an amazing job and I’d hired her to redecorate my condo. I’d decided to keep the piano but I wanted a look that better accentuated Little V. I had given her that name because each time I touched the keys, it reminded Virginia of Kingston.

“I’ll need you to get Chase on the phone.  I need to get him on board with the book tour,” I said.

“Yes, Miss Cason. You also have a conference call at nine and a staff meeting at ten.”

“I should only need a few minutes to speak with Chase. We will not dance around his whims. We have dozens of authors dying to have this opportunity; it seems he’s forgotten that. He needs to shit or get off the pot.”

Raina attempted to hide her smile at my last comment. I could see the relief in her eyes. She had been worried about me. Well that makes two of us Raina.

“And we need to get an appointment scheduled with Stephanie for the marketing campaign, we’re falling behind schedule.”

“Yes ma’am.”

“Also get in touch with Raquel; she needs to schedule a press release for the new paranormal series.”

“Mr. Raine’s assistant notified me that he would be joining us for today’s staff meeting,” Raina said, carefully assessing my reaction.

“No problem Raina. Thank you for the heads up,” I replied, as I continued looking through the many memorandums on my desk.

I wasn’t at all surprised by this news. Sure I was affected by it as indicated by my quickening heart rate but I’d expected he’d pop in from time to time, as a means to torture me if nothing else. He had the upper hand for now, but I was quickly moving toward a remedy for that.  Although I would have preferred to maintain my position at RPH, it was best if I moved on. However, if I wanted to obtain a similar position in this industry, I knew it would be impossible if he were against it, therefore plan B. I’d been quietly seeking other opportunities and if that failed, I had been in contact with my investment banker and instructed him to take a few risks which were paying off handsomely. At this rate, I could retire very comfortably, not that I wanted to do that but it was comforting to know that I didn’t need RPH.

“Can you get the latest sales figures from accounting for me also? Adam was supposed to have gotten those to me yesterday.”

“Yes ma’am.”

“That will be all for now Raina,” I said, looking up from my desk.

“I’ll get started as soon as I return with your tea,” she said.

“Thank you Raina.”

A few minutes later, Raina entered with my tea. “I’ll get Chase on the phone for you now Miss Cason,” Raina stated, as she left my office.

Chase was one of our most successful authors and for some unknown reason; the publicity department had been unable to secure a date to launch his book tour. Raina connected me with Chase; it was a very brief conversation. After a quick reminder of his contract and a subtle threat to pull his next book, Chase eagerly agreed to the date that was initially suggested.

Raina quickly confirmed the release of the paranormal series with Raquel as I opened the email from Adam, which contained our latest numbers. Not that I had expected a decline due to the change in our hierarchy but I wanted to be aware of any area of possible concern.

I jotted down a few questionable figures that required Adam’s elaboration before grabbing my tablet and heading across the hall to the conference room. 

I wasn’t expecting Aiden to have already arrived, therefore I was taken aback to see him standing near the front of the room in conversation with a sharply dressed dark-haired woman.

I stopped dead in my tracks.  It wasn’t like I didn’t know he would be here … but knowing I would see him and
actually
seeing him were two entirely different things. I could feel the quickening thump in my chest and the butterflies! Fuck, they were fluttering so fast that I inadvertently placed my palm on my stomach in an attempt to banish them.  I appraised his magnificent frame from head to toe; he was as provocative and breathtaking as I remembered. He looked up and stopped mid-conversation when his eyes found mine. For a small moment, everyone else disappeared. I swallowed the lump of trepidation and took a few seemingly involuntary steps forward.  I stopped short when he began walking towards me. He moved with a leopard-like grace. Lacquered and emblazoned by the Raine name, he radiated dominance and privilege with each step.  The power and control he exuded was practically immobilizing.

“Good morning Miss Cason,” he said, as he stopped in front of me.

His standing only a few inches away elicited feelings for which I was utterly unprepared. The feelings of betrayal, confusion and hurt all quickly migrated to the background, only allowing the desire I’d always felt to spring forward. 

“Good morning Aiden,” I replied. I was sure it was more appropriate to refer to him as Mr. Raine but I wasn’t going to do that, at least not at this moment.