Touch the Sky (Free Fall Book 1) (13 page)

G
oddammit
. My chest throbs like somebody is tightening it with a screw. Lucas is in my arms and he’s so fucking wrecked. His mom is dead. Holy fuck, she’s dead.

I don’t know how that would feel. My parents and I aren’t close but they’re not dead. Although it kind of feels that way sometimes.

But there’s something Lucas is holding back, and not telling me. I hear it in the catch of his voice. It’s something devastating.

“Give it to me.” I tug him toward me, nuzzling his neck. “Tell me everything.”

“I can’t—” A muffled sob rises from his throat.

“I’m here for you,” I say. “No matter what, I want to always be here for you.”

Incoherent words propel against my throat. I wait him out, wait for them to become clear. “I wasn’t there. I wasn’t fucking there.”

“When she died?” I whisper. Oh God, I cannot even imagine what he’s gone through. Fuck, if only I had written back.
After.
Maybe I would’ve been there for him during all the hard stuff. Maybe we still would’ve been friends.

“My fault,” he says, his voice raw.

“Can’t be your fault. You didn’t know it would—”

“I was locked up in juvie. I was fucking locked up for getting in a fight and jumping in that lady’s car, and while I was in juvie for being a delinquent, she fucking died.”

I pull him even tighter against me, let him snuffle against my shirt. “Oh God, I’m so sorry.”

“You don’t know…you don’t know what it feels like. I was a dickhead in that place. It was the one place she didn’t want me to be and I was a fucking asshole to everyone while I was there. I was even pissed when they called me in,” he says, his head shaking side to side. “I was sent to the warden’s office because he had news, and I had a bad attitude. It only took a minute for me to see that he had something really fucking bad to tell me. She was drunk. On pills too. She passed out, vomited, and aspirated. Then it was over.”

“Fuck,” I bite out as he whimpers louder and my fingers burrow in his hair. “Shhhh…”

His body trembles as he gulps in deep breaths and sinks further against my chest.

“Hey, listen to me,” I say, my voice strong, my fingers sliding to his chin. “It could’ve happened even if you weren’t in juvie. When you weren’t home. Even if you
were
home. Your mom had a drinking problem. She owned up to it, but she couldn’t beat it.”

I feel his harsh breaths against my neck as he listens to me. His fingers tighten and flex on my arms.

“Your mom loved you.” I kiss the top of his head. “You know she would never want to see you like this, so shattered from guilt.”

“I know.” He swipes his forearm against his eyes. “I fucking
know
. I just feel immobile sometimes. Like I don’t know what the hell to do.”

“I understand what that feels like.” I feather my fingers through the curly hair at his nape and he exhales loudly.

“She wanted me to make skyscrapers, Gabe. Wanted it because it was my dream, but I can’t make myself do shit about it.”

“Been meaning to tell you about this guy on my crew,” I say, meeting his gaze. “He went to a technical school in the city and got his two-year certification in structural engineering. I started a conversation with him about you.”

“Seriously?” he asks, some light returning to his irises.

“You could even apprentice for somebody to get your feet wet, figure out what you want to do,” I say. “Just take a couple steps forward and see what happens.”

“Is that what you did?” he asks, breaking our embrace and pushing back against the wall.

This conversation is already so heavy but it’s time to put it out there.

“Maybe,” I reply, stretching my legs out. “With school, yeah. I’ve still got some stuff to work out with my meds. I didn’t have insurance for a long time and I need a new prescription for them. I’ve been scared and lost, too.”

Lucas stares at me for a long minute as if putting some pieces together in his brain. At least now he knows that I’ve got a few important things to take care of as well.

He puffs out a hard breath. “Glad I finally told you.”

“Me too.” I lean forward and kiss him square on the lips and feel a spark of energy so bright that I jump up and grab for his hand.

We walk along the perimeter of the building, looking out at the night sky and the dazzling stars and I have the urge to do something wild, but I keep it in check.

“Have you ever had sex on a rooftop?” My arms encircle Lucas from behind and I breathe him in. He smells like soap and spice, and my dick stirs behind my zipper.

“Can’t say that I have,” he murmurs as I kiss the skin just below his ear. “Are you offering?”

“To have you fuck me again?” I ask and just the idea makes my cock tent my pants. “Hell yeah.”

“Wh…what if that’s not what I’m asking for?” he stammers as my lips glide along his jaw.

“You want me to fuck
you
?” I ask, as my breath hitches in my throat.

“I don’t want to think anymore.” His green eyes are intense, as he twists his head to look at me. “I want you to drive the dark thoughts out of my head.”

“Goddamn, Lucas.” I’m so turned on that I press my groin into his ass and he pushes back, increasing the pressure.

He spins to face me and then our lips collide, our tongues tangling and sliding deep, our mouths devouring each other. His fingers reach for my hair and he’s tugging and groaning like he can’t get enough of me.

I drag my mouth away and swipe my hand across my lips, panting.

Lucas’s eyes are stormy and pleading, as if asking me to take control, and a jolt of adrenaline rushes through me, making me feel completely on edge and reckless.

“Take down your pants,” I say in a commanding voice.

His hands fly to his zipper, his breaths shallow. “You’re so sexy when you’re like this.”

Little does he realize that he makes me feel this way. So confident. So wanted.

When his briefs and jeans drop to his ankles, the tip of his cock juts up, red and straining against the hem of his shirt, and I have the urge to run my tongue along the slit. But I restrain myself.

I reach for the edge of the soft material and lift the shirt over his head. He raises his hands to help me along. His nipples are tight, his stomach muscles rippling from anticipation, as I slowly look him over, head to toe. “Touch yourself for me.”

He groans as he grips his cock in a firm fist and strokes up and down, watching me as his hand pulls expertly at his length. It’s so damn arousing.

“Ah hell, I can’t wait to be inside you.” Fishing out my wallet, I grab the condom and then unbutton my jeans, letting the denim slide down my legs. His gaze drifts to my hand after I tear open the wrapper and roll the latex down my shaft.

My cock in my fist, I step forward and place my other hand over his, helping him pump up and down, as he leaks over our fingers.

“We’ve got no lube,” I say as I collect the pre-come and use it to moisten my cock.

“Don’t always need it,” he says, his eyes almost feral as he watches me spread his seed over my length. “We can make it work. Fuck, that’s hot.”

“Turn around, Lucas,” I say, nudging his shoulder. “I want to see that ass.”

He moans as he faces the wall. My fingers clench his firm backside as I lean forward and bite the taut skin where his shoulder meets his neck, before soothing the sting with my tongue.

When he gasps and thrusts his hips back, I say, “Hands on the wall and spread your legs for me.”

“Fuck, Gabe.” His knees begin trembling when he does as I ask. He inches his ankles apart as his fingers fan open against the stone.

My hands glide along his narrow waist and over the smooth globes of his ass. Parting his cheeks with my thumbs, I nearly lose my load as my gaze snags on his tight pink hole. I’m so thankful for the lights from the buildings so I can see all of him.

I swallow roughly as I crouch down on my knees. “I’m gonna eat your ass so you’re ready for me.”

A hiss escapes Lucas’s lips. “Oh hell yes.”

Lucas groans and whispers
fuck
under his breath as I bend forward and take my first lick.

“Damn,” he says, locking his knees, his head falling to his chest. “I dreamed of this. Of you rimming me. Got ready for you just in case.”

Humming against his warm and musky skin, I lick up and down his crease and then circle his hole, making it nice and wet from my tongue. I kiss his tight bud and then continually prod with the tip of my tongue as the area begins to soften from my saliva.

“Your ass is so hot.” I introduce my finger alongside my lips before slowly penetrating the tight ring of muscle. A raucous growl rips from Lucas’s throat.

He arches his hips and drives back against my hand as I add a second digit.

“Gabe…more.” I reach around to fist his cock as my fingers and tongue continue to prep him. My own length is rock solid and leaking as needy pinpricks of longing spiral along my spine.

I kiss his nape when I stand up, outline his ear with my tongue, and then nip his shoulder. “Bend over for me,” I grunt, my own voice raw and tight.

As I line my cock with his hole, I feather my lips across his shoulder blades and down the knobs of his smooth spine as he shivers against me.

“Fuck,” he shouts as I prod the head inside him, inch by incredible inch. He appears to lose his breath as he braces his elbows against the wall. The feeling of his ass wrapped so fucking snug around my dick is almost too much to bear.

“It feels amazing being inside you, Luke.” I become motionless, my forehead sinking into his nape as sparks of electricity zing across every last centimeter of my skin. “So hot…so tight.”

“It’s good, so fucking good…
damn
,” he says as he hisses through his teeth, his fingers curling into fists against the concrete. “I need you, Gabe. Fuck me.”

Grunting, I plunge inside in one solid thrust as his palms make contact with the wall, slapping against the stone surface. Driving my hips forward in firm and steady jabs, he whimpers and forces his ass flush with my groin until I’m buried to the hilt. It nearly knocks the wind out of me.

I seize his thighs and fuck Lucas with such abandon that an array of stars begins to glitter in front of my eyes.

My head sinks back and I stare blankly at the blackness of the night, feel the cool air against my forehead.

“Look at us, Lucas,” I shout. “I’m fucking you against the goddamn sky.”

Lucas’s groan turns guttural right before he falls completely apart, shuddering and trembling and melting against the wall. I adjust my grip on his thighs, attempting to hold him steady, as I race toward my own finish line.

My groin faltering, my hips thrusting recklessly against his ass, all I can think is that I want to crawl under his skin, dissolve inside his bones.

Be part of him like he’s already part of me, interwoven so deep into the fabric of my heart, I’m not sure I could ever completely let him go.

G
abriel breathes
into my neck as we stand here for a second. The warm, evening air rushes around us. The city moves on below us, cars driving by, people honking, but up here, it feels like we really are against the stars.

As cheesy as it sounds, out of the billions of people in the world, it’s almost like the night, the sky belongs to us.

“That was fucking awesome,” I say, with a smile on my face. I can’t believe I told him about my mom…but somehow it’s okay. Not what happened—that will never be okay—but the fact that he knows.

“Thank you.” Gabriel kisses the back of my neck and steps away. He’s laughing as he pulls up his pants, and I want to ask him why, but instead I just follow suit, tugging on my clothes. It feels good to laugh. It’s so much better than all that other heavy shit that I’d just rather pretend doesn’t exist.

“That was fucking awesome!” Gabriel repeats what I just said, only it’s at the top of his lungs. He yells when he’s happy, I’ve noticed. But then he puts his arms out and he’s spinning, and I’m not sure what he’s doing. “It’s like my endorphins are going crazy. I feel like I can fucking fly.” His voice is giddy, each of his words coming out faster and faster. I love that he feels so good, because I don’t think Gabe has had enough good in his life. Neither of us have.

“What are the odds?” he asks as he moves farther and farther away from me.

My stomach gets a little tight, but I ignore it. “The odds of what?”

“That we would meet online when we were kids. That we’d both want to touch the sky.”

I chuckle but even to my own ears, my voice sounds off. My gut is weighed down, getting heavier and heavier by the second. Something feels off by the sound of his voice, the giddiness dancing off of it. “You want to fly, not me. I just want to be up high like this.” I try to sound calm but I don’t feel it.

I take a step toward Gabe, then another and another. Each time I move forward, he goes backward until his ass bumps into the ledge. My heart drops to my feet because somehow I know what he’s going to do before he does it.

“I love being up high like this. It’s such a rush.” Gabe puts a foot on the ledge of the building, the fucking ledge that drops off forty stories in the air, and climbs up.

The wind is knocked out of me. My pulse slams so hard and fast that it echoes in my ears, beats against my skin. “Gabe? What the hell are you doing? Get down.”

He looks back at me, a big ass smile on his face, like he’s just walking down the sidewalk and sees me saying hello. “It’s okay. I know what I’m doing. I’m up on stuff like this every day.” Gabe reaches out, grabs on to a pole sticking out from the roof and holds on. “I can’t believe we’re up here!” he shouts over the edge, his voice eager and almost maniacal.

Oh fuck. I suddenly feel like I can’t breathe, like someone has their foot on my chest, pressing all their weight into me. His comment about pills and not taking them works its way into my consciousness as I try to think back on the stuff I read online about bipolar. It becomes a jumble in my brain, my adrenaline and fear making it too hard to sort through my thoughts.

“I wish I could really fly,” Gabe says softly, as though he’s not the same person who spoke a second ago. He looks over the edge. “I wish we both could.”

It’s as though my body is suddenly weighed down—cement blocks around my feet. I can’t move, can’t think. What the hell is he doing up there?

I find a way to break through the concrete holding me back as I take slow steps toward him, afraid to move too fast. Like he’s a wild animal I’m scared to spook. “Gabe. I’m not fucking around. You need to get down.”

He doesn’t answer, just keeps looking down at the ground. My goddamned eyes start to sting, fear working its way through my body, pumping through my heart and mixing with every breath I take.

He holds on to the pole and leans. “It’s beautiful up here, don’t you think?”

“You’re scaring the shit out of me. Get down.” I’m standing right beside him now, only I don’t even know when I got here. Reaching up, I hold my hand out and it’s shaking—fucking shaking, I’m so damn scared. “Please. Get down. Even if you know what you’re doing, you could fall. I can’t…I can’t lose you, too.”

That seems to snap him out of whatever hold he’s in. Does he not realize how fucking scary and dangerous this is or is it something more serious? Questions bombard me, bouncing around like a ping-pong ball in my brain. I can’t stop thinking about Gabe falling, crashing to the concrete below, because no matter how much we might want it, neither of us can go without solid ground beneath our feet. Have I been ignoring signs? Were there signs? Is there something more going on here than I know? Is this what happened the last time he was hospitalized? Can’t be the same thing, can it? “Gabe,” I say again and my voice cracks, breaks, the same way my insides feel like they’re breaking apart.

And then he reaches for me too. He grabs my hand. His is hot and sweaty. I squeeze tighter, tug gently, but he doesn’t come. Not right away. “Come’ere,” I say softly. My voice doesn’t sound right. It’s made up of fear, and a soft pleading you might give to a child…or a drunk parent.

Gabe’s movements are slow as he climbs down, back onto the roof. I pull him into my arms, squeeze him so tight I think his bones might break.

“I’m okay. I’m okay,” he mumbles over and over. “I’m sorry. I’m okay.”

I don’t know if I believe him.

I don’t know if I’m okay either.

“Come on. Let’s go.”

He doesn’t let me drop his hand, even though I try twice. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking.”

I’m too scared to speak, because I don’t know what I’ll say. He climbed on the ledge of a fucking roof, with no barrier between him and the edge. Just like that story he told me about the bridge.

My feet move automatically. Gabe stumbles along with me. When we get to the door, I grab the bag and start down the stairs. There’s no laughter or happiness or chasing each other this time. Just fear and quiet and…I think maybe anger.

When we get to the bottom floor, I keep going, keep pulling him along until we get to the spot where we can climb out of the building. My head is still overcrowded with questions. Was that because of his bipolar? What if I couldn’t reach him? Does he do stuff like this often?

The second we crawl outside, I hear, “Hey! What are you doing? You’re not supposed to be in there.”

My head swims. I’m blinded with panic as Gabe and I both run for the passenger seat of my car. I can’t fucking get into trouble. They didn’t seal my records when I turned eighteen. I’m fucked if we get caught.
I promised her. I promised her I wouldn’t get into trouble again.

Gabe gets to the car first. He rips the door open. I hear another, “Hey! Get back here!” as I scramble over the passenger seat, into the driver seat. Gabriel slams the door as I fumble with the keys, shove one into the ignition and turn it.

My tires squeal as I rip out of the parking lot. When I cut off a car, it blares its horn at me.

And then silence. He doesn’t speak and I don’t either. What the fuck would I even say?

The second we pull up in front of his apartment, I say, “What the fuck was that? You could have killed yourself!”

“No.” He shakes his head. “I was
fine.
I’m
fine.
”

“Are you kidding me? That was not fine, Gabe. You were on the ledge of the goddamned roof!”

He flinches, and it’s like a punch to the gut. I’m doing this wrong. This isn’t how I should react. We’re back at that night in the alley when I hit him.

“I’m sorry,” he says so softly, I almost can’t hear him. “I wasn’t thinking. I was just…I felt so good. I was so happy, being up there with you. There’s never been a time in my life I felt that good, and it just…” he shrugs. “Took over. I won’t do it again. It was stupid. That was so fucking stupid.” Gabe leans forward. Bends his arms. Locks his hands together behind his head. “So fucking stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid…”

My heart shatters, breaks into a million different pieces. “Hey. It’s okay. It was a mistake. We’re okay.” My fingers lock on his arm. I pull him closer, pull him into a hug. He’s trembling…or maybe that’s me. We’re both shaking and breathing heavy and holding each other. “It’ll be okay,” I say, and I hope like hell it will.