Touch Me Gently (11 page)

The large cowboy strode from the room, leaving Kaden in the kitchen with his thoughts. Could he accept what Logan had told him? Would he really still care for him once Kaden told him about the blood he had on his hands and the things that he had done? He dropped his head into his hands and stifled a sob, his body shuddering with the effort. How do you reveal to someone that you’re a murderer? Do you just walk up to them and say hey guess what? I killed somebody. Sighing, he wearily pushed himself up from the chair and walked out of the kitchen, flipping the light switch off as he passed by.

Strong hands held him down, pain searing through him as the hot knife edge pressed against his flesh, ripping screams of agony from his throat. Tears streamed down his face, his body convulsing in pain. “Please, No!”

“Did you think I wouldn’t notice?! Did you? I saw the way you looked at that other man. You’re nothing but a whore!” He felt the man’s breath, heavy with alcohol, sliding across his skin, and he gagged, scrambling frantically to get away.

Numbness washed over him as he felt his clothes being torn from his body, and the sounds of a belt being unbuckled and a zipper lowering reached his ears. His legs were pushed open wide and high above his head as his violator rammed the blunt column of flesh into him, tearing his sensitive flesh. Blood spilled down to pool beneath his body, and he fell into the blessed oblivion of unconsciousness.

Kaden sat up, screams of terror coming from him, his hands flailing blindly in the darkness before him. Salty tears rained down from his eyes, panic shining from them. He barely registered the pounding on his bedroom door, and then it burst open, Logan having thrown his body against it.

The doorjamb splintered, but Logan didn’t give a damn as he saw Kaden sitting there, still screaming. He sprinted toward the bed and gripped Kaden’s shaking shoulders. “Kaden? Kaden!” He shook him lightly, trying to get him to stop.

Shea stood in the doorway, her hand over her mouth at the sound of Kaden’s terrified wailing, and she stepped up to Kaden, reaching out a hand to slap him lightly on the cheek. His cries cut off abruptly, and he sat there, panting for breath, tears still trailing down his pale cheeks. “L-Logan? Shea?” he stammered, realizing that they were in the room with him.

“Jesus. You almost gave me a heart attack,” Logan said fiercely, gathering him close to his chest for the second time that night. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard such frightful screams before.”

“I… I’m sorry,” Kaden whispered, his arms coming up around Logan’s broad back, gripping the older man tightly. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” he mumbled over and over again.

“Shhh. It’s all right. It was just a nightmare. It’s over.” Logan motioned for Shea to leave, and once she had left, closing the door as much as possible since it now sat crooked on its hinges, he slid them both into a prone position. He just held the teenager close and listened as the boy’s breathing evened out, and eventually Kaden slipped into an exhausted sleep. When he’d heard the sounds coming from downstairs, he’d instantly known that they were coming from Kaden, and his heart had started to pound in panic and fear. He had not known what to expect when he’d entered the room, but to find that it was nothing more than a nightmare that caused such bone-chilling cries, made him wonder even more what the younger man’s past held.

“Someday, you’ll tell me. Until then, I’ll be by your side to keep these nightmares at bay,” he murmured against the dark head, knowing that Kaden couldn’t hear him.

When the alarm went off at three thirty, Kaden reached out to turn it off, and started with surprise when he realized that he wasn’t alone in the bed. He sat up quickly, his eyes zeroing in on Logan’s face. What the hell? He searched his memory and remembered the nightmare. He shuddered at the memories, and then realized with awe that Logan had stayed with him throughout the night to keep him safe. Logan stirred and mumbled something in his sleep, causing Kaden’s gaze to jump back to his face.

“L-Logan,” he called lightly, reaching out a shaky hand to touch the big man’s shoulder, shaking him gently. “Logan?”

Logan woke slowly, his eyes opening to find Kaden’s dark head bent close to his and his hand on his shoulder. He smiled up at Kaden, and reached out a hand to lightly caress the boy’s cheek before yawning and stretching like a sleepy lion. “Time to get up?”

Kaden nodded slowly and watched as Logan slid from the bed, his chest still bare, his long lean legs covered by a pair of jeans that he’d thrown on in his haste to get to Kaden last night. “I… I’m sorry about last night,” he apologized into the darkness.

“Don’t be. We all have nightmares. Remember what I told you when you first got here.” Logan smiled encouragingly at Kaden, and walked around the bed to the door. With a grimace, he said, “I’ll have Charlie fix that for you. I kind of… lost it when I couldn’t get in last night. Do me a favor. Don’t lock your door anymore at night. I don’t think my heart can take it. You’re going to be the death of me, kid.” He smiled to show his words were only a joke, and walked over to pull Kaden out of bed.

“L-Logan, I… uh… want to tell you about my past,” Kaden said in a subdued tone, his eyes tilted at the floor, his hand still encased in Logan’s larger one. “Tonight. Um… I… just promise me that you won’t hate me,” he pleaded, lifting his gaze to meet Logan’s.

“I already told you last night, Kaden. Nothing you tell me will change the way I feel about you.” He smiled down at the teenager, trailing the backs of his fingers over the smooth skin of his cheek. “I’m glad to know that you’re willing to trust me. I will be with you, Kaden. And no matter what the future may bring, I won’t back down.”

Kaden smiled, still uncertain about Logan’s reaction. He gave a nod at Logan and carefully extricated his hand from the cowboy’s. “Wait, don’t I get a good-morning kiss?” Logan pouted, and Kaden’s heart skipped a beat at the adorable look.

Laughing, he pushed himself up on his tiptoes and brushed his lips over Logan’s, but before he could pull back, Logan’s arms clamped around him, and he deepened the kiss. Their tongues brushed erotically over each other, dueling for dominance that Kaden let Logan have after only a moment, moaning into the larger man’s mouth. “Now that is a good-morning kiss,” Logan whispered when he pulled back, setting Kaden aside and slowly walking from the room.

Kaden stared after the cowboy for a moment, and grinned broadly, happily. He brushed his teeth and washed up quickly, dressing in a pair of faded jeans and a white T-shirt. Breakfast was the usual, quiet affair, as most of the men were still trying to wake up for the day.

Shea gave him a concerned look when she came into the kitchen to get herself a cup of coffee, and he smiled reassuringly at her, happy to see her expression turn to relief and then peace. She ruffled his hair lightly and dropped a kiss on his cheek. “Good morning, Kaden. So do you think you’d want to go horseback riding today? I kind of have the urge to get out there and ride, and thought you might be tired of being cooped up in the house all day.”

He nodded eagerly, and they planned to leave as soon as the men headed out. He intended to stop by and see Mantacor first, and then go riding. Logan stopped in to see him one last time before heading out into the fields with the men. Shea forced Kaden to eat, even though he wasn’t really hungry, and then he grabbed an apple for Mantacor before following her from the house. She went into the barn to saddle the horses while he stopped to give the white stallion his treat and croon to him for a few moments. “You ready, Kaden?” Shea called from where she stood, holding the reins to two horses.

The sun rose slowly, casting pink and yellow fingers along the horizon as they rode, and Shea chatted about her visits to her friends. Kaden asked her about Ty and asked if she loved him. She admitted that she did, but she didn’t know if she could deal with marriage because of her parents. He revealed to her that Logan had told him about their parents, and also what he’d said about her—that he wanted her to marry Ty. Shea didn’t believe him at first, but after he’d kept insisting, she relented and believed him. It amazed her that her brother would be so willing for her to get married after everything that happened with their mother and father. She watched Kaden and the way horseback riding made him feel so content. The look of peace on his face told the story of healing taking place inside of him. He might never heal completely on the outside, but perhaps, with time and with the help of people who loved and cared about him, he could heal on the inside enough to live a normal life and not cringe in fear of everyone around him.

“Logan said he wants to set up that punching bag for you and teach you some of the moves so that if you feel the need to cut again, you can do that instead,” Shea mentioned casually.

Kaden looked down at the mane of his horse, fondling a few strands in discomfort. “I’m sorry, Shea. I know I promised I wouldn’t do it again, but everything became too much. It’s like something inside me takes over, and I can’t stop it. Like those people who are obsessive-compulsive. I met a few of them when I….” He trailed off and abruptly switched his train of thought. “I think I’d like him to do that for me.”

“I’ll talk to him at dinner when he gets back. Tomorrow’s Sunday, so you guys can work on it then,” Shea said happily, bouncing in her saddle slightly.

He wondered sadly if that would be the truth after he told Logan about his past and the things he’d done. Perhaps it would be. Logan had seemed so sincere in his words that morning and last night. He wouldn’t know for sure until he told Logan, but he sent a prayer to God, begging Him to let the man’s words be true, because this time, he knew there’d be no return from the edge. He could sense it inside him, the weakness. It waited eagerly for the slightest bit of pain to beat at him to cut, to make it deeper and deeper until it wasn’t simply cutting. “Sure. That would be great.”

They
headed back as it inched close to 11 a.m. Mantacor let out a neigh of greeting as they approached, and Kaden smiled. Once they’d unsaddled and brushed the horses down, he stopped by to see the white stallion for a brief moment and then headed into the house to start making lunch for him and Shea. Logan surprised Kaden by returning to the house alone for lunch. Once she’d spoken to Logan about the punching bag, Shea disappeared upstairs—with a fabricated excuse—to give the two men some privacy. Logan and Kaden shared lunch in the kitchen, just talking. Kaden asked Logan about the entire roundup process. It turned out that in the next couple of weeks they would be bringing in the last of the cattle and wrapping things up shortly thereafter. Logan explained how and why they castrated the steers which reminded Kaden of those things he’d seen in the grocery store that day. “You… uh… don’t eat calf fries, do you?” His expression twisted in disgust.

Logan laughed, and nodded. “Yep. I love ’em. Don’t worry. You’ll get a chance to try them at the end-of-roundup barbecue that we have every year.”

“I don’t think so!” Kaden exclaimed, bringing his hand to his mouth to cover it.

“Oh, come on! Where’s your sense of adventure?” Logan teased, his lips curved in a wide smile.

“I don’t think my sense of adventure reaches quite that far, Logan!” He shook his head, standing up to bring his dish to the sink and reaching for Logan’s at the same time. Logan’s hand closed over his wrist, the one without the armband, and he ran his thumb over the silky skin there, watching Kaden’s eyes darken with pleasure.

Logan’s voice sounded husky with need when he spoke next. “I hope it reaches to some points.”

A flush ran across Kaden’s pale cheeks at the suggestion behind Logan’s words, and he swallowed hard. “I… I think it does.” The flush deepened at his response, and he dropped his eyes to the table.

Releasing Kaden’s wrist, Logan stood, winking at Kaden with a one-word answer, “Good,” before leaving.

His body felt hot all over and tingled where Logan’s hand had held his wrist. His pulse beat through his veins faster, and he took a long drink of his ice-cold lemonade, trying to cool himself off internally. The afternoon went faster than he wanted, and he spent some time cleaning up the house, even going into Logan’s room to clean up the clothes that lay all over the floor. He tried to keep up in there as much as possible, doing laundry every week to ensure that the man stayed in clean clothes. It amazed him how much of a slob Logan actually was. But he supposed it had to be expected since he spent so much time working the ranch and usually came home exhausted. He lovingly thumbed through the shirts in Logan’s closet, breathing in deeply of the man’s cologne that he never went without. It was a strong, spicy scent that Kaden couldn’t seem to get enough of. The bed remained unmade, the quilt thrown aside in his haste to get to Kaden last night.

Kaden slowly made the bed, his cheeks flushing and his breathing getting heavier as he thought of Logan lying in that big bed. He bit his lip when he felt his flesh stir, and he backed away, trying to get a hold on himself. There was nothing wrong with being attracted to the man, the voice in his heart shouted at him, but of course, his mind, the forever sensible one, screamed at him to stop being stupid. Passion meant pain. Passion meant being used and hurt. Struggling with himself internally, Kaden picked up the basket of laundry and made his way down the stairs. He started the first load and set the next one aside, ready for the washer.

To distract himself from his thoughts, he grabbed a book off the shelf in the living room and settled down into the easy chair near the couch to read for a while. It was a gripping novel about a vampire and a detective who misunderstood his intentions, believing him to be evil. It ended with the vampire and the detective becoming lovers, and the detective realizing that the vampire wasn’t out to hurt people. That he only took what he needed to survive, leaving them alive.

The men spent dinner, the usual boisterous affair, bragging about what they intended to do that night and on their day off. Charlie had another date in town, which Kaden knew had to be with the lady from the grocery store. He heard some of the men talking about heading over to the honky-tonk to see if they could get lucky. Some of the men spoke of having a poker game, and one of them wanted to run out and get some beer and snacks. One of the men asked Logan what he intended to do that night and the next day, and Logan just gave them a smirk. They all started ribbing him, teasing him about getting laid and asking who the lucky lady was. Logan brushed their words off with a careless shrug. “Believe what you want, fellows. I don’t intend to share my personal life with you.”

“Who’s it with? That sexy brunette from the beauty salon?” one man called, and another gave a shrill whistle of appreciation.

“She’s one fine-lookin’ lady. I wouldn’t mind takin’ a crack at that one myself.”

Logan glared at the man who said that. “Don’t even try it, Grainger. I’ll kick your ass if you hurt her.”

Kaden hid a smile behind his glass of tea at Logan’s words and the fierceness behind them. It had taken two months, but Kaden had decided to stop hiding in the kitchen, and tonight, for the first time, he sat with everyone else, much to Logan’s surprise and happiness. The men had been quiet at first, coughing nervously, before they’d started opening up in front of him. And now they sat there talking like he had always been one of the crew, which made him feel accepted, and of course, they immediately complimented him on his cooking, telling him he needed to come back next year. They had no idea that Logan intended to keep him there all year round no matter what it took. Before long, the men wandered off to do their own thing, telling the boss they’d see him Monday morning. Tension invaded Kaden, and he knew he couldn’t stall much longer. He started to do the dishes. Logan helped him by bringing in the ones from the dining room, and then helping to dry them and put them away.

It wasn’t but another hour before Logan and Kaden sat in the living room on the sofa. Kaden felt nervous as hell, and twisted his fingers together. “You don’t have to talk if you don’t want to,” Logan said, his eyes not missing the anxiety or the nervous movements.

“No. I want to!” Kaden exclaimed, taking a deep breath before starting his story.

Yet Kaden still hesitated and stood abruptly to walk over to the fireplace, studying the photos atop the mantel. He smiled humorlessly, tracing the edge of one of the frames. “You know, when I first came here, I thought that you guys had the perfect life, the perfect family. That you had what I might have had if my parents hadn’t died. Then I find out your life wasn’t all that I thought it was.”

His gaze remained trained on the photo, aware of Logan’s on him. He couldn’t bear to look Logan in the eyes just yet. Not until the story had been told in its entirety. “My father died before I was born in a car accident. My mom used to tell me about him all the time, and even though I had never met him, I idolized him. But as with all things, life went on, and my mother met another man and got married. His name was Gary, and he seemed like a cool guy, only what my mother didn’t know was that the bastard turned out to be a pedophile.”

He tensed when he heard Logan’s indrawn breath. His lips twisted cruelly as he went on, “He would sneak into my room at night and… do things to me. I feared him, and what he threatened to do to me if I ever told my mother, so I stayed quiet. My mother died of cancer just after I had turned ten, leaving me with him. Once she had passed away, the last thing standing in his way was gone, and he could do whatever he wanted to me. ”

Logan’s anger started to simmer, rising to the surface as he watched Kaden speaking. Even though Kaden hadn’t told him details in those sentences, he could only imagine the horrors that he had suffered. His hands clenched in the fabric of the sofa, and he tried to keep his emotions calm, not wanting to upset Kaden. He could see the boy’s hands were shaking, and it seemed as though Kaden wasn’t in the room with him anymore. He’d returned to where that bastard had hurt him.

Kaden’s voice trembled as he continued telling Logan his past, “N-nothing could have prepared me for what happened in the next five years. He would force me to do things to him, force me to touch him. When I refused, or I fought back, he would hit me, cut me with knives or razor blades. Cigars were his favorite. He used those all over my body. He said he wanted to make me ugly to the world so they wouldn’t try to take me away from him.”

A shudder ran through Kaden, and tears welled up as he brought his hand to his cheek. “One night, he got so drunk that he beat me and raped me for what felt like the millionth time, but this time, he left a wound visible to the world.” His fingers trailed over the scar, feeling the ragged edges.

“He’d always been so careful to keep the cuts, burns, and bruises where they would be hidden beneath my clothing, but this time, he had no idea what he was doing. His words to me that night ring in my head in my nightmares. ‘Now no one will want you. You’re mine.’” Kaden’s voice held bitterness, and tears rolled down his cheeks, dripping onto his shirt. “He passed out, and I ran from the house, running down the street until I fainted from loss of blood. The next thing I knew, I woke up in the hospital to find my stepfather in the room with me.”

Kaden stopped, his hands gripping the stone mantelpiece. He breathed deeply, trying to keep himself from hyperventilating. His breathing had already become shallow, and he felt dizzy from the overload of emotions. “He told them that I hadn’t come home that night, and they assumed that someone had attacked me, a bully from my school, or someone had tried to mug me. In shock, I couldn’t bring myself to dispute what they said. So he took me home, and the pattern repeated for another year before it came to a shatteringly abrupt halt when I was fifteen. I… Gary came home from the bar, reeking of alcohol again. I’d already fallen asleep by then, and he came into my r-room. I woke to find him on top of me, struggling to strip my clothes o-off.”

“Stop,” Logan demanded, standing up, wincing when he saw Kaden flinch. He moved to Kaden’s side, gathering him close to his chest. “It’s obvious that the bastard had problems, and—”

Kaden interrupted him, continuing with the events that had unfolded that night.

“Something inside me snapped. I felt as if I wasn’t really in my body, as if someone else had control of me, and the next thing I knew, there were policemen and ambulances outside my home. Apparently one of the neighbors heard me screaming and called the police. I k-k-killed him, Logan.” Kaden’s hands fisted in Logan’s shirt, his lips trembling with memories. The flashing lights from the police cruisers, the sirens, and the flash of cameras all played in his mind. “They found me stabbing him, over and over again. They had to force me to let go of the knife, and let them take me out. I was covered in blood from head to toe. His blood. My hands, my face, everything.” He started to cry, great gasping cries.

Logan picked Kaden up as if he weighed nothing and brought him over to the sofa, sitting down with Kaden’s legs stretched across his lap and part of the couch. He cradled Kaden’s head against his chest and held him tightly. He rubbed Kaden’s back soothingly, trying to get him to settle down, to stop crying. “It’s all right, Kaden. That son of a bitch deserved it and a hell of a lot more. You did it in self-defense, and no one can blame you for it.” His breath ruffled the dark strands of hair on top of Kaden’s head, and he waited for Kaden to calm, his body shivering every once in a while.