Totaled (38 page)

I could still faintly hear their conversation and knew I should leave, but my curiosity won over my ethics.

“Don’t get upset, Bree,” Liam was pleading. “I’m sorry. I don’t want you to cry, but I’m not going to stop fighting.”

“I don’t understand!” she said through sobs. “You don’t understand how scared we were. I could’ve lost you. I can’t go through that again!”

“No,
you
don’t understand. You just don’t get what it’s like for me. I’m not smart like you. Fighting is all I have.” I could hear the anger in his voice at first and listened as it quickly morphed into a sound of defeat.

“That isn’t true, Liam! You’re so much more than that.”

“Like what?!” he exclaimed. “What would I do if I didn’t fight? Work for the family business? We own a gym!”

“We can figure something out. Please. It isn’t worth it,” she pleaded.

“No. You’re wrong. It is worth it to me. It is everything to me. You don’t get it. All my life, I have felt like I didn’t belong. The gym, sparring, fighting, it’s the only place that I feel like I fit!” Liam finally admitted, obviously appealing to Bree to understand that this was the only place he was comfortable. I could hear the desperation in his voice. I understood. I felt the same way about fighting that he did, but Bree wouldn’t survive Liam being hurt again.

I could hear Bree softly crying and sniffling as Liam continued to speak, wanting nothing more than to go back in and console her, but this was a conversation that needed to take place privately. I couldn’t interrupt. I shouldn’t even be listening.

“I wish that I could let you inside my head to see what it’s like for me,” Liam continued. “I hear noise, always this noise. Like when the cable goes out on the TV at home and all of that fuzzy snow is on the screen until Dad fixes it. That snow is what I hear all the time, Bree. It’s so loud that it hurts my ears. I feel like I always have a headache. But when I’m fighting, all the static goes away. All of the noise stops. It’s the only time that my head is clear and I feel peace.”

“I had no idea that it was like that for you. Why haven’t you ever told me this before?”

“I don’t know,” he admitted, somberly “I guess I just thought you wouldn’t understand.”

I peaked around the corner to see Bree brushing away tears as she continued. “I understand exactly how you feel,” she said, sadly. “I’m your twin sister. You can always tell me anything and I will always understand. Okay?”

“Okay. You’re not mad at me?”

I turned back around the corner, feeling my own emotions surface as I watched their exchange.

“Why would I be mad at you? I love you unconditionally. I will always support you, Liam. I just want to make sure you understand everything and you can make the choice for yourself.”

“I understand that I could hurt my head again. Really, I do. But if I don’t fight, if I always have to live with the noise and snow, well, I don’t want to live like that.”

Just as I was about to re-enter the room, Liam continued, speaking softly to Bree.

“You know, when I was sleeping, I dreamed that Paulo came to visit me.”

“What?” Bree asked in shock. “What did he say?”

“He came to visit me here; he sat next to me in the hospital room. We talked for a while. He told me that he was proud of me and happy that I was fighting and using all of the things he worked so hard to teach me.”

“Oh my Gosh.” Bree seemed at a loss for words, there was a long pause before she spoke again, and when she did, I could tell that she was crying again. “Liam, that is amazing.”

“Paulo told me that I must never stop fighting. He says that God gives all of his children a special gift and that I must not let my gift go to waste.”

“Do you understand the risk that you would be taking, though?” Bree asked, her voice tortured with concern and desperation.

“I understand. And I don’t care. Paulo will watch over me. He told me so. He’s my best friend and he will keep me safe.” Liam sounded like an obstinate little kid but was obviously determined and I knew Bree was too emotionally done to argue any further.

I chose then to re-enter the room and walked in on Bree and Liam hugging each other tightly. The bond shared between the two of them was truly something I was in awe of. I had never seen anything like it before.

We sat for a while, talking about everything but Liam’s injury and fighting, watching some crazy show on the nature channel about some British guy catching enormous, terrifying monster fish in remote South American rivers that Liam seemed to be into until he started dozing off.

“Hey!” I whispered, trying to get Bree’s attention without waking Liam. “Should we go? Let him rest? Chris moved us into a different hotel. Wouldn’t you like to shower and get some rest in a real bed?”

She hesitated, I know, because she didn’t want to leave him.

“He’s fine, Bree. You need some real sleep. I can stay here tonight if you don’t want him to be alone.” I could barely get the words out without wincing at the thought of having to sleep curled up on that uncomfortable recliner with dinging monitors and nurses coming in every hour all night long. I really just wanted to be curled up next to Bree. It had been days since I had slept with my arms wrapped around her soft body.

“No, you don’t have to do that. You have a big day tomorrow. I guess he’ll be okay if I go back with you. I just need to talk to his nurse and make sure she has my number and knows to call me for any little thing. Let me leave him a note.”

She jotted down a note for him to see when he woke up and ended it with “
Tá grá agam duit.”
Then we were on our way.

Chapter Forty

BREE

The near scalding water hit my skin and should’ve hurt, but it felt like I couldn’t get it hot enough. With my head lowered under the stream, I watched the water bead and flow over the curves of my body, dripping off of the strands of my hair, and I exhaled. I finally breathed out the fear, the anxiety, the emotional clusterfuck that was my life. The steam filled the bathroom quickly, so thick that it looked like a cloud of fog surrounded me. The beautiful hotel suite that Drew’s new agent secured for us had a bathroom bigger than my bedroom at home. The huge walk-in shower had two shower heads on opposite sides of the stall, both pointing towards the center. I reached for the other knob and turned it so that I was hit from each direction and I couldn’t help but think that it mirrored my current situation. Once I’m sure that one situation is handled or at least trending towards the positive, I turn and I’m bombarded with another conflict with no escape. I was tired of being so tired.

I stood with absolute bone-deep, muscles quivering, can’t-even-support-my-own-weight exhaustion. I allowed my knees to buckle, not even fighting it, and slid down the shower tiles to the floor. Leaning my head back, the hot water assaulted my face, but I welcomed the cleansing. My eyes closed, my arms hugged my knees to my chest, and I broke. I completely broke down. I didn’t care. I couldn’t handle another second of the tension that I constantly harbored. A satchel of bricks on my back, with no handles. And elephant stepping on my sternum, pushing a ton of weight against me. A woodpecker perched on my nose, pecking into the center of my forehead to reach something just behind my eyebrows. It was just too much.

As the tears breached the wall of my eyelids and fell, I felt at ease. I let my chest shake with the sobs and willed my fingers to relax and straighten out from the tight grip that they had almost permanently worked themselves into.

I sobbed for Liam, awake and alive, but insisting that he continue to put himself in harm’s way because it’s the only thing that clears the snow in his head.

I wept for my father and the emptiness I saw behind his eyes when he entered that hospital room to see another one of his family members hurt and helpless.

I whimpered for myself, just about laughing at the list quickly approaching a mile long of shit that I had to take care of. Only me. It could only be me. No one else could study for me and get through school. Only I could manage the gym, and its inventory, and its cleanliness, and its finances, and its employees’ schedules, and their paychecks, and the phones ringing off the hook now, I was sure. Only me. Always. Just. Me.

I cried for Drew. I loved him and I was terrified of losing him, because surely he would get lost. Look what already was happening after one fight. I bawled for how hard the past few days must have been for him and felt awful that I should’ve (but couldn’t have) been there by his side. And he couldn’t be by my side. I shook with thoughts of his confession to me, picturing the scene he walked into when he found his father beating his mother. The images that I composed in my head, without any reference or true visual image, were that of a horror film and I felt the pain take over my body. I couldn’t even imagine what he must have felt. I wailed and tremors wracked my body.

The shower door was jerked open in a hurry and I looked up to see him staring at me with dread.

“Jesus, Bree. What’s wrong? Are you okay?”

I sat there and thought my answer rather than speaking it.

Okay. What does that even mean? Okay? Of course I’m not okay. But who is? Certainly not you. We’re each a mess. A heap of broken mess. We should be hauled off to the nearest junkyard and piled up in the section marked unsalvageable. Beyond Repair. Totaled.

“Yeah. I’m fine,” I answered, almost in a whisper.

He knelt down and reached out to sweep my wet, clingy hair out from in front of my face. Gasping, he said, “This water is freezing. Let’s get you out of here.”

I didn’t even notice that the water had gone cold. He helped me to stand and turned the water off, wrapping me up in a giant towel. I felt like I weighed three hundred pounds of guilt and shame and stress, but he scooped me up like I was as light as a feather and carried me to the bed, carefully laying me down.

“Talk to me,” he pleaded softly. “Please, talk to me.”

I just closed my eyes at his request. I had no words.

“Bree. Please. What can I do?”

Opening my eyes to see his face over me with such love and concern, I nearly started crying again. “Just hold me,” I managed to say. “Please…hold me.”

He timidly slid his thick arm underneath my head and wiggled himself halfway underneath me. I scooted closer, bringing my leg over his and resting my head on his chest. With my right hand over his chest, I could feel and hear the steady thumping of his heartbeat. I felt myself needing this physical connection more than ever before, to ground me to reality and make me feel safe. For just a moment, I wanted to forget. I wanted to not be consumed by my world spinning out of control all around me. The greater the pain, the fewer words you need. Touch, affection, physical contact—those were the true healers.

He softly stroked my back through the towel still wrapped around me, soothing my nerves. But when he came to rest his large hand on my hip, I felt an instant heat between my legs. Two minutes prior, I needed his comforting touch, but now I just wanted him inside me. It had been days since I had felt his skin under my fingertips and I refused to let another minute pass before I felt him again. I brought my hand from over his heart and moved lower, slipping it underneath his un-tucked shirt to touch his skin. His abdominal muscles contracted as my fingertips grazed over each ripple. He was so firm everywhere I touched. So warm. My hand traveled farther south and I felt his hold tighten on my hip as my hand went underneath his shorts. His chest rose and fell quicker, his breathing ragged and short. It empowered me to know how I was affecting him. I turned to rise above him, my towel falling away from my naked body, and straddled his waist. I lowered my head to kiss him and just before my lips reached his, he spoke.

“Are you sure you want to do this? You’re upset right now.”

I paused and picked my head up a little to look at him, feeling slightly rejected and confused. His gaze was unsure. Loving, but nervous and hesitant.

He cleared up my confusion. “If you kiss me, I’m afraid that I won’t be able to stop.”

I saw his pupils dilate a little and his eyes turned hungry as he said it. He let his gaze rake down over my body and he ever so slightly licked his lips.

I quickly came down to kiss his lips. A firm peck, sucking his lower lip into my mouth a little as I pulled away. “Kiss me, Drew.” I kissed him again, feeling his lips reciprocate before I pulled away again. “I want you,” I whispered over his mouth, kissing the edge of his lips, teasing his jaw with my teeth. The wetness in between my legs increased when I felt his sharp stubble against the soft flesh of my face. It felt like sandpaper, but virile and manly, and I welcomed the pain. “I need you.” I kissed along his jaw, working my way over to his ear. Sucking his earlobe into my mouth, I paused to say, just louder than a whisper, “I need you. Inside me.”

He sat up a little, swiftly pulling his shirt off over his head and flipping me over onto my back. He had his shorts off in no time and rose up onto his knees over my body. He looked over every inch of me as he stroked himself slowly back and forth. He looked primal, ready to ravage me. I was more than ready to be ravaged. I watched the muscles of his arms and chest constrict as he moved his arm back and forth and felt certain that I was flooding the bed with how incredibly turned on I was.

He confirmed that thought when he nudged my legs apart to see my state of arousal and smiled wickedly. “You
do
need me inside of you,” he crooned, cocky and confident, one hundred percent alpha male.

I couldn’t even think. “Please!” I begged him, sounding needy and pathetic,
feeling
needy and pathetic. “Please, Drew.” I brought my hand down and touched myself, not able to wait another second for some contact. He all but growled, seeing me begin to pleasure myself.

Moving my hand away, he barked out, “No!” and replaced my hand with his thumb, pressing it right to my clit, rubbing circles over it. As I moaned in relief, he whispered harshly in my ear, “This is mine. I want to be the one to get you there. I’ll make love to you all night long, but right now, I need to fuck you.”