Torn Between Two Lovers (5 page)

I sat back in my chair, nervously tightening my grip on Loraine's hand when Roberta walked into the room. This wasn't one of my usual Thursday afternoon sessions with my shrink. No, today was the day she was going to hypnotize me. I was dreading it, but I knew it was important that I try to get to the bottom of my issues if I wanted to keep my marriage.

Roberta turned and smiled at my wife. “Hey, Loraine. I didn't know you were going to be joining us today.”

“Well, Dr. Marshall, considering what happened last time he was hypnotized, I thought I'd better be here for moral support.” Loraine let out a sigh. “I tried to explain to Leon that if you're hypnotizing him just because of our problems in the bedroom, you don't have to do this. I can live with our sex life the way it is. I love my husband. I don't want him traumatized. He can barely deal with the dreams of his uncle beating his ass as it is.”

“I appreciate what you're saying, Loraine, I really do, but this decision is not about you or me. It's about Leon. Ultimately he has to decide if he wants to know his past or not, because without that knowledge, he can't move forward.”

Loraine looked at me and patted my hand. “You don't have to do this. We'll be okay.”

I was happy that she'd come with me. She'd really stood by me when other women wouldn't have, but no matter what she said, no wife could deal with this forever. “Yeah, I do. You can say whatever you want, but how long are you gonna be happy with half a man? I need to know why this is happening to me, Loraine. I need to know why I'm behaving the way I am so the doctor can help me figure out a way to fix it. I can't live like this.”

“Well, with that being said, are you ready?” Dr. Marshall gave me an encouraging smile.

“Yeah, I'm as ready as I'll ever be.” I glanced at my wife, almost hating to let go of her hand. My legs trembled, but I knew I had to go forth and face this challenge. If I didn't fix my problems, I would never be the man this wonderful woman I married deserved.

“Loraine, I think it will be a little easier for Leon to concentrate if you're not in the room. The slightest distraction and he may not go under.”

Loraine glanced at me, and I nodded. “Okay, but, Leon, honey, if you need me, I'll be right outside the door.”

“I know, Big Sexy, and I love you for it.”

“I love you too.”

I watched my wife walk out the door, then sat halfway back in the chair, trying to relax. I still didn't understand how this whole hypnotism thing worked, but it sure as hell did work, and that creeped me out. Maybe some memories were better off left buried.

Roberta dimmed the lights, then walked over and sat in the chair next to me. “Just relax, Leon. Loosen your hands. Take a deep breath,” she began in a slow, soothing voice. I unclasped my hands, which I hadn't realized were clenched into fists. “Sit back in the chair. Let it recline until you're comfortable.”

I did as I was told. I felt like I was standing on the edge of a steep cliff, not knowing whether I should jump. It was now or never. I couldn't go on the way I was living.

“Do you remember how we did this last time?” she whispered.

“Uh-huh.” How the hell could I forget? I could still feel the sting from the strap my uncle used to beat the crap out of me. It was something I had successfully blocked out of my psyche until we unearthed it during hypnosis, but now it would never leave me. I was terrified knowing that I might be preparing to dredge up some more painful memories now.

She began speaking slowly. “I want you to listen to my voice. Block out everything but my voice. Can you do that?”

I nodded my head.

“Good. Now, I want you to close your eyes…. Take deep, slow breaths…. Relax…”

I closed my eyes and tried to slow my breathing.

“Now, we're going to go on a little trip back in time. A happy trip to see your aunt Barbara. You want to see your aunt Barbara, don't you? You want to relive those good times you shared, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Good. Now, I want you to count backward slowly with me, starting at ten.”

“Ten…nine…eight…seven…” We spoke in unison. By the time I made it to one, I was completely relaxed.

“Leon, can you hear me?” Roberta's voice sounded like a faint echo.

“Yes, I can hear you, but you seem so far away.”

“That's okay. Just listen to my voice. I want you to think about your aunt,” Roberta's voice droned on. “I want you to think about a time she made you happy. Your mind should be clearer now. You should be able to remember. Now, go back in your mind and think of a happy time with your aunt.”

All of a sudden, I was thirteen again. My body was hurting me all over, and I could feel the welts on my back starting to swell from the leather strap my uncle had beaten me with. He was cursing my name while I cowered in a corner, waiting for the next blow. It never came, because from out of nowhere, Aunt Barbara threw her body in front of me, shielding me from his wrath. She'd never done that before, and I was both thankful and surprised.

“Leave this boy be, Charles! You gonna kill him with that strap.”

“Better he be dead than tell me no to anything,” my uncle shouted. “Now, you can stand in the way if you want to, but he best have that yard work done before I get home.”

Yard work! Was that what this was all about? He woke me out of my sleep and damn near beat me to death because I didn't cut the grass.

The door slammed a few seconds later, and my aunt said, “Come here, baby. You okay? He didn't hurt you again, did he?” I tried to hold back tears, but it didn't work. Once I saw Aunt Barbara's tears, the water works were unstoppable. For ten minutes, we held each other and cried.

“I hate him,” I finally yelled.

“
Hate
is a very strong word,” my aunt said. She got up and walked to a cupboard, bringing back a familiar jar filled with a white cream. “You don't hate him.”

“I do. I hate him.”

“Don't say that, Leon. Your uncle loves you. He just has a strange way of showing it sometimes.”

“If that's what love is, I don't want it. One day you'll wake up and I'm gonna be gone.”

Aunt Barbara frowned like I'd hurt her feelings. “Would you really leave your auntie, Leon? Don't you know you all I got in this world? I'd rather be dead than be without you, boy.”

“I'm sorry, Auntie, but if he keeps beating me like this, I have to leave. I've got no reason to stay—unless I want him to kill me.”

She turned me around and began tenderly applying the cream to the welts on my back one by one, and with each one, I felt myself relaxing.

“Thank you.”

“You're welcome, baby. Just make me one promise.”

“What is it?”

“Please don't leave me.”

“I can't promise that, Aunt Barbara. That man means to kill me.” No matter how kind she was, I didn't know how much more of my uncle's abuse I could take. It wasn't just the beatings. The man was a control freak who wouldn't let me off the property. Sometimes I felt like a slave put on Earth to cater to him.

Aunt Barbara was quiet for a while as she gently stroked my back. Finally, she spoke so quietly I almost didn't hear her. “Well, then, baby, I guess I'm gonna have to give you a reason to stay.” She placed a hand on my shoulder and turned me around.

When I faced her, Aunt Barbara took me in her arms and kissed me on the mouth. At first, it felt like an innocent kiss, like when she would peck me on the lips before I left for school. But then, all of a sudden, she pushed her tongue into my mouth. This felt strange. I'd never kissed a woman before that, never even thought about it. All I cared about was playing ball and riding my bike.

I was old enough to know that what she was doing was not something an aunt usually did with her nephew. I thought for a moment that I should stop her, but this was Aunt Barbara, and I trusted that she would never do anything that would hurt me. Besides, while my mind was trying to process what was happening, my body had begun to respond, and it was feeling good. Before I knew it, I started tonguing her back, and we were kissing passionately like I'd seen people doing on the soap operas.

When we broke the kiss, my penis was as stiff as a board and she smiled at me in a way that made me feel like a man, not her nephew. I wasn't really sure how I felt about that and was glad when she sent me to my room to get ready for school.

That's when I heard Roberta's faraway voice calling me.

I opened my eyes and looked around. I was disoriented, but I was no longer at Uncle Charles and Aunt Barbara's house. “Where am I?”

“You're safe,” Roberta said. “You're in my office.”

I was looking for Aunt Barbara. I couldn't believe what I'd just recalled, but I knew it was true that that was how things had happened.

“You okay? Do you remember what happened?” Roberta could see I was a little flustered.

“Oh my God. Yeah, I remember what happened…but I'm not sure I want to believe it.”

“What do you mean?”

“My uncle was always physically abusing me, and my aunt was always my comforter, my protector. But there's something else.” I stopped myself from explaining further. It wasn't like I could just blurt out the fact that I'd just relived my very first kiss with a woman, and the woman turned out to be my aunt. Even if she wasn't my blood relation, it just wasn't right.

“What is it, Leon?”

“I think I know why I like big women, but I don't want Loraine to know.”

I hurried out of Marty's Pawnshop just as Loraine reached the sidewalk in front of her office building. It was only a little after four, and she usually didn't leave the office until sometime after five. Thankfully, I'd spotted her through the picture window just as Marty and I were finishing up my gun transaction. Once again, I was hoping to get her to sit down and talk to me. I was sick without her, and I knew in my heart that if I could just get her alone for ten minutes, I could convince her that we should be together. Unfortunately, I quickly found out I wouldn't be getting the chance to talk to her at all, because just as I was about to cross the street, Leon pulled up in a black Mercedes truck.

Dammit! What the hell was he doing here? It was Thursday. Wasn't he supposed to be at his shrink's office in a half hour? After sneaking around with Loraine for the better part of a year, I probably knew Leon's schedule better than he did. From his Tuesday and Thursday therapy sessions to his Saturday night poker games and his Sunday morning golf outings, I always knew when Loraine would be free of him, at least until now.

I thought my blood would boil as I watched her get in his truck and lean in for a kiss. She kissed him deeply, just like she used to do to me when I'd pick her up for one of our many rendezvous. I wanted to run across the street and confront them both, but then I realized that once they saw me, all Leon had to do was pull away from the curb and I'd be left standing there like a fool. Instead, I turned around and walked to my car. I drove around the corner so I could follow them.

The first stop they made was at Leon's shrink's office, where they both got out and stayed a little more than an hour. I guess they were doing some type of couples counseling. Leon didn't look too good when they came out, and I was surprised when Loraine jumped in the driver's seat.

A few minutes later, instead of heading home, they got onto I-64 east. I hung back about five cars behind them for twenty-five minutes, wondering where the hell they were going. By that time, I wasn't even sure why I was following them in the first place. I was actually embarrassed when it dawned on me that my behavior was bordering on obsessive. I wasn't that type of guy—at least I hadn't been before Loraine broke my heart.

I was just about to turn around when the signs indicated we were about fifteen miles outside of Williamsburg. That's when a knot formed in my stomach. I had a strong suspicion that I knew exactly where they were headed.

No, she wouldn't take him there. She wouldn't do that to me, would she?

I raced ahead of them, pulling into Kings Mill Resort and Spa a good five to ten minutes before they would—if I was right about their destination. I avoided the valet parking, which I knew Loraine would insist on, and pulled into the self-service parking lot. It gave me a clear view of the entrance to the main building. I was still holding out hope that they were going somewhere else, but I doubted it. Like me, Loraine loved everything about this place.

I'd found Kings Mill Resort and Spa online when we were dating. It was the first place we ever went overnight together. We'd spent many a romantic night curled up near the fireplace in our room or down in the spa getting couples massages and facials. This was our private little getaway spot, and we'd made a promise to each other that no matter what happened, we'd never take anyone else here. I guess I was the only one who took that promise seriously, because regrettably, Leon's black truck pulled up to the valet not long after I arrived.

When they got out of the truck, Loraine was all over Leon, rubbing his back, leaning up against him with her head on his shoulders. I know they were married, but I felt so disrespected. This was our spot, not theirs. Why the hell would she bring him here in the first place? Somehow, I kept it together, because it would have been so easy to drive right up to the valet station, pull out my new gun, and blow Leon's ass away. I singled out Leon because I don't think I could ever harm a hair on Loraine's head. I loved her too much for that.

A few minutes later, I watched as they walked into the lobby. I got out of my car and strolled to the entrance, trying to look casual, not like the crazy-jealous ex-lover I had become. Don't ask me what my next move would be, because I didn't have a clue. I did, however, have my gun in my pocket—just in case Leon wanted to give me a little trouble. By the time I reached the lobby, they'd checked in and were probably halfway to their room, so I sat down on one of the many sofas, determined not to leave until I made some kind of statement.

I sat there for about twenty minutes, trying to come up with a plan. It was hard, because my mind kept wandering, filled with memories of the visits Loraine and I had made to this place. Finally, I picked up the house phone and asked to be connected to Mr. and Mrs. Farrow's room.

“Hello.” Leon answered the phone on the second ring.

I cleared my throat. “Afternoon, Mr. Farrow, this is the front desk. Can I please speak to your wife?”

“Sure. Hold on.”

That was easier than I expected. He didn't even sound suspicious about why the front desk would need to speak to Loraine and not him. Maybe they had checked in under her name. After all, she was the major breadwinner in that household, and it did seem that she wore the pants in the relationship. When Loraine came on the line, though, I understood why Leon wasn't surprised, and it was not for the reason I thought.

“Well, that was fast,” she said. “I just called down a few seconds ago. I was hoping to schedule a couple's massage.”

I paused for a beat, feeling the jab of her words. She was scheduling a massage for her and Leon. This was a romantic weekend, all right, but as far as I was concerned, she was with the wrong man. I realized I better speak up quickly or my chance would be lost. “I'd love to schedule you for a massage. Oh, and I just happen to have an opening right now. Why don't you come down to the lobby so we can get started right away?”

She didn't answer immediately. I hadn't made any effort to disguise my voice, so she was probably in shock once she realized who she was speaking to. The fact that she didn't immediately hang up on me gave me hope and made me feel bold.

“You can leave your husband upstairs. Our couples massages are sold out.”

“I see…,” she said, and then her voice trailed off like she had no idea what to say, especially with Leon standing in the room, probably right next to her.

“Why don't you come down to the lobby…or should I come up to your room?”

She finally found her voice. “No, no. I'll be right down with another credit card for you.”

“I'll be waiting.” I hung up the phone feeling satisfied.

I saw Loraine step off the elevator. From the look on her face, it was clear that she was nowhere near as happy to see me as I was to see her. Loraine's eyes searched the lobby until she found me sitting on the sofa. She had this tigress look, as if she could tear me apart with her bare hands. I actually found it rather sexy, to be honest with you. Lord, what I would do to have her hands pawing all over me.

She pointed at me and then gestured for me to follow her as she walked down a corridor away from the lobby. I did as I was told, watching her large hips sway as I walked behind her. When she stopped at the end of the hallway, she spun around and all but pounced on me as she talked through clenched teeth. “What the hell is wrong with you? Do you know my husband is upstairs?”

“Sure do. What I wanna know is what's he doing here?” I retaliated with equal venom. “How dare you bring him here? This is supposed to be our place. First you crush my dreams; now you're taking them away. How could you do me like this?”

“Do you like what? What the hell did I do to you? I'm married, for Christ's sake. Which part of that don't you understand?”

“What I understand is that you love me! That you can't look me in the face and tell me that you don't. That you're afraid to be around me because you're afraid of how it makes you feel.” I took a step closer to her, and she took two steps back.

“Is that what it's gonna take for you to leave me alone? Well, all right, then, look me in my face.” She stepped up and grabbed me by my shirt, forcing me to look at her. “I don't love you, Michael. I don't want you, and right now I don't even like you. Now will you leave me alone?”

“Please, you don't mean that. You're just upset.” I had to play it cool, like her words didn't faze me, when in reality, I felt like I was dying inside.

“Damn right I'm upset. If I had known you'd end up following me around, acting like a stalker, I would have never messed with you in the first place.”

My mind flashed briefly on the concealed weapon I was carrying, and I wondered if maybe I had become everything she was accusing me of. But I couldn't believe that about myself. I wasn't a stalker; I just knew that no matter what she said, we were meant to be together. I tried to soften my tone. “I'm not a stalker, Loraine. I just want to talk to you.”

“Well, I don't wanna talk to you. Now, I've got to get back with my husband,” Loraine said, pivoting on her foot to leave.

I reached out and yanked her back toward me, surprising even myself. “Loraine, don't do this. Talk to me.” I didn't mean to hold her arm so tightly, but I needed her to listen.

“Get your hands off me!” Loraine looked down at my hand and glared at me. She snatched her arm away. “I'm going to say this one time and one time only: Stay the hell away from me! Do I make myself clear?”

“Would you rather I come back up to your room with you? If you think I'm going to let you and Leon defile our relationship, you better think again.”

The first time, this threat had brought her out of her room to come talk to me, but it didn't work twice.

“Michael,” Loraine said, eyes narrowed in defiance, “you come to our room and I swear to God I'll call security and have you locked up. Now, it's time you moved on with your life.”

“Loraine, I'm not giving up on you or our love. We're meant to be together.”

“You know what, Michael? You're starting to scare me.”

“Scare you? Is Leon putting these thoughts in your head? I would never hurt you.”

“No, he's not putting these thoughts in my head. If anyone's putting them in my head, it's you, Michael, by your actions.”

“So you really feel like I'm stalking you?”

“What do you call a man who sits outside his ex-girlfriend's job unannounced? I saw you come running out of the pawnshop when I came out of the building today. I've also seen you drive around my cul-de-sac at all hours of the night. Now you show up here. So if you're not stalking me, what the hell are you doing? 'Cause whatever it is, it sure ain't healthy.”

“I'm not stalking you; I just want to see you. Is that so bad?”

“How many times do I have to tell you? I don't want to see you, Michael. I'm not going to ruin my marriage for a hopeless affair. What we had is over. Can you please get that through that thick skull of yours? Now stay away from my job, my house, and me. If you come around me again, I'll call the police on you.”

“Loraine, I don't care what you say. I know you love me.”

It took her a moment to answer, but she finally said, “A woman can't love two men, Michael.”

With that, Loraine stormed off, leaving me standing alone. For the first time, I noticed a few people in the hallway, milling around as if they had been watching the whole thing.

“Mind your own business,” I snapped at the gawking onlookers, then stalked out to my car. I really loved Loraine and wanted her back, but obviously I was going about it the wrong way. I would have to go home and come up with another plan.