Torn (42 page)

‘Jay, enough nature notes. If I want to know more I'll ask him.'

‘Sorry.' He looked back at the sky, then down at his feet. ‘I've … I've wanted to tell you for … feels like a long time … been waiting … hoping.' He stopped again and shook his head. ‘There is no right moment. This is ridiculous! I've spent most of my life working with words, but can't string together a coherent sentence.'

They stood facing one another on the gentle slope; the evening was balmy and fragrant, and there was no sound except the occasional cry of the owl. It sounded more like wee-ee-eeb than too-whit to Jessica. She waited, not knowing what to expect from him.

‘Something has happened to me, but I don't know how to explain without it sounding like a cliché … like something out of Mills and Boon.'

Her pulse quickened. ‘How many Mills and Boon have you ever read?'

‘Don't tease. They're full of love and romance, aren't they?'

‘And?'

‘That's what I'm trying to tell you.'

‘Just say it.'

‘I can't explain how or why … it just happened. A
coup-de-foudre
. I don't know what to do, Jess? I've never felt so utterly helpless. I've fallen in love with you.'

Though the last few minutes had awoken the suspicion, Jessica was still unprepared for this unequivocal declaration of love, which had sprung, as far as she was concerned, from nowhere.

‘You look surprised.' he said flatly, dropping the half-smoked cigarette. ‘Not a good sign.'

‘Not surprised, astounded. Friends, you said!'

‘I was lying. It was already too late for me.' His eyes moved over her face, as if memorising each feature. ‘You'd already done the damage.' He drew her towards him, wrapped his arms about her, and kissed her. The kiss was sustained but gentle, the taste of tobacco smoke still on his mouth. He breathed in deeply and his eyes remained closed for several seconds after it ended. ‘I had to tell you. It's been driving me mad. One moment I was sane, balanced, not particularly happy but …' He shrugged. ‘Certainly not desperate. Not looking for a mythical other to complete my world. Then you came along, and in one fell swoop you brought the sky down on my head. How did you do that? Why did you do that?'

She shook her head at him. ‘I didn't mean to. When did I do that?'

He laughed a little shakily, and kissed her again. ‘Do you really not know? When we came back from Stratford … you were sitting on the floor, and you turned your head to look up at me. That's when everything around me collapsed.'

‘That was lust.'

‘I admit the lust kicked in fairly swiftly, but I do know the difference.'

Memories of that encounter, still so vivid, made her blush and drag her eyes away from his intense scrutiny.

‘I woke the next morning full of it, I was going to tell you straight away, but you weren't there. I felt utterly bereft … and terrified, convinced you'd thought better of it and run off.'

‘I'm not so spineless!'

‘No. You waited to tell me to my face that you regretted what happened.' His tone had become cooler, flatter. ‘After having confessed to, and possibly gleaned a tad of moral support from my rival, Dan the man?'

‘That's not true!'

‘I may not understand it, but I know a rival when I see one.'

‘He's not … I didn't discuss what happened with Danny. He was as surprised to find me in the kitchen as I was to see him. We barely talked before you arrived and sent him off without his breakfast.'

‘So, I was cast back into the role of cruel, heartless employer? Along with my gaff about “slappers”, that just about put the tin lid on it.' He sighed. ‘What am I going to do, Jess? I kind of hoped I'd managed to transcend my many misdemeanours in your eyes. That our relationship, friendship, whatever you want to call it, was on a sounder footing, and there was now a chance you might look on me more kindly.'

‘I do look on you kindly. I wouldn't be here if I didn't like you.'

‘I hear a “but” coming. You don't love me?'

‘You're a very attractive, sexy man, Jay. I don't know. I'm not sure I've ever known what love is … not romantic love anyway. I love Rory, I loved my godmother. I love and loathe my mother. There've been men in my past I've been fond of, and men I've felt a physical passion for. Occasionally affection and desire have come together, but not often, and it's never lasted.'

‘Sean?'

‘My ex? I don't know. There was a time … I thought I'd grown up; I no longer needed the rollercoaster but was moving towards the mature steady sort of love that leads to commitment and marriage. But he changed or I changed … or perhaps we both threw off the disguises we'd been wearing when we first knew each other. Neither of us could cope with the new reality.'

‘And Rory's father? I know you said you didn't know who he was, but –'

‘Jay, that's true! I wasn't just trying to wound you when I said that. I thought it was time you knew the worst.'

His face tightened, like a wince of pain, but after the blink, he continued to gaze steadily into her face.

‘And Dan?' he asked quietly. Though she might have expected the question a nameless jolt of emotion thudded through her. Was it shame? Sorrow? Guilt? Her eyes dropped away from his.

‘Don't ask.'

‘Why not?'

‘Because I don't know what to say to you.'

James sighed. ‘Seems to me that's answer enough.'

It was a sunny summer Saturday. When she'd first looked for the Prince Rupert pub, fir trees and Christmas lights had festooned the town. Now hanging-baskets, window-boxes, and tubs splashed colour on every lamp post, sill, and pediment. They'd come into town by way of the swimming pool, a diversion offered as a bribe to gain Rory's compliance in the purchase of new shoes. So far they'd already spent an unconscionable time in the only shop which sold toys, and now walked up the main street, past the pub forecourt, with the drinking trough now planted up with summer bedding. An unending line of cars and trucks, motorbikes and caravans clogged the road in a slow-moving jam, filling the air with fumes and dust.

‘I'm hungry,' Rory said, as they passed the burger bar. Was this just another attempted time-waster to put off the evil hour? Jess had hoped he was too absorbed in trying to extricate his purchase from its packaging to remember the dread prospect of trying on shoes.

Jessica saw him first and uttered his name under her breath. Rory reprised, ‘Danny!' in a delighted squawk. He raced forward and embraced the young man's denim-clad legs and immediately demanded he look at and admire the new plastic figure. Danny stooped and lifted Rory up into his arms. His spontaneous grin faded a touch and stiffened when he turned his face to her.

‘Look! Look at him, Danny! He's good isn't he, Danny? Do you think he's the best one?'

Danny readily agreed and showed sufficient interest in the new acquisition to temporarily satisfy Rory. ‘You smell of chlorine.' Danny commented as he set her child on the ground again.

‘I expect I do too. We've just been swimming.' Jess said. ‘We've come in for some new shoes for Rory. What brings you into town?'

‘Screws and stuff. The shelf in my van's falling off the wall.'

‘James should do that for you. He's your landlord.'

‘Don't want to bother him with something I can easily fix.'

‘Even so, I'm sure he'd give you the screws … just a minute … you've not been to the hardware store? The guy who attacked you?'

‘He's OK. There're no hard feelings.'

‘Christ! I'm not sure I could be that forgiving.'

‘I don't bear grudges, Jess.'

‘Don't you?'

‘Mummy? I mean Danny? Do you think he really is the best? Mummy says so. I bought him with my own money I saved up. I wanted Buzz Lightyear … but they didn't have him at the shop.' Rory's little face was now full of doubt and confusion. ‘I'm not sure now.'

Danny squatted beside him. ‘Show me again.' He studied the figure in all seriousness, front, back, top, and bottom before handing him back. ‘What's his name?'

‘Woody.'

‘He's def'nitely the best one, in my opinion. You made the right choice.'

‘Thanks,' Jessica said softly, when he straightened up. ‘Close call! Danny, are you doing anything? I mean, would you like to come with us for something to eat? It's nearly two and Rory's started to complain about being hungry. I'm sure he'd enjoy it more with you along. And so would I.'

Danny chewed at the inside of his cheek; he looked up and down the High Street as if something there might provide inspiration. Although well aware Danny was someone who took his time to digest and respond to new information, Jessica felt the tug of impatience. She resisted the impulse to say, come on. It's not that difficult a decision! Patience was a quality she would need to develop if she was to be a successful teacher. She had the prospectuses at home – teaching refreshers, courses on dyslexia, special needs, and learning support assistants were all available.

‘My treat.' she added. The words revived the recent occasion when this offer – made in different circumstances and to a different man – had been turned down. Memories of that evening and its surprising conclusion sent a small yet distracting pulse through her body. She couldn't help feeling some gratification at James' unexpected declaration of love, but she was also dismayed by it. Their easy and informal relationship was bound to be altered.

‘OK. Thanks,' Danny eventually agreed, bringing her thoughts back to the present. ‘How about Earth's Bounty?'

‘I want a burger!' Rory said.

‘Danny's a vegetarian. He can't eat beef burgers. Let's go to the place Danny likes, shall we, darling? I bet they do veggie burgers there. Let's go and see?'

Rory was dubious, but Danny's support for the café seemed to swing the balance. His interest in the project picked up when Danny made an adventure of it by telling him the café was in a secret, underground room. It was a semi-basement, down a short flight of steps at the back of the organic whole food shop. But it was dark enough to seem spooky in Rory's eyes, and the partially tiled walls and mismatched tables and chairs appealed to Jessica. Once tasted the Quorn burger was not an unqualified success, but smothered in sauce was palatable enough for Rory to take a few bites. The fact that cola was also off the menu was a further disappointment.

‘But Mummy, you said I could have cola I wanted cola. Can I have cola when it's my birfday?'

‘I expect so.'

‘I definitely want cola on my birfday. Danny, it's my birfday soon. I'm going to be four.'

‘Are you? When is it?' Rory looked vague.

‘The 20
^th
of August,' she supplied. ‘I'm never sure of the best approach. If you deny fizzy drinks and sweets they become forbidden fruit and consequently more desirable. But then,' she added with a shrug, ‘there's the bargaining-tool angle.' Turning to her son she said, ‘I'll buy you one when we've got your new trainers, and perhaps an ice cream?'

‘I want a bocker glory! You never let me have a bocker glory!'

Jess raised her eyebrows at Danny. ‘Because I know you wouldn't finish it.'

‘How do you know? How do you know that, Mummy? I would finish it. It's my idea of heaven … a bocker glory!' He clutched his stomach and rolled his eyes, which made Danny laugh, so he repeated the action until he'd rung the last drop of appreciation from his audience.

Though the chosen salad was a bit tasteless, Jessica was enjoying this unexpected interlude and gazed fondly at the two males opposite with whom she was sharing it; the dark child frowning and serious, his elbows on the chest-level table, and the fair young man beside him, hair longer and shaggier now, expression almost equally serious, keeping an interested eye on his companion.

‘Tell me what you want to be when you grow up,' Danny asked.

‘I want to be a spaceman, like Buzz Lightyear. When I was little I wanted to be a policeman. Rawn is a policeman. Why don't we ever see Rawn any more, Mummy?'

‘You know he's in London, sweetheart.' Jess glanced a warning at Danny. Rory sighed and tipped his head onto his hand, like a little old man contemplating the mysterious ways of the world.

‘A spaceman sounds more fun than a policeman,' Danny said.

‘Sasha wants to be a farmer.'

‘Yeah. She's said that to me.'

‘I'm not sure.'

‘You don't like the idea?'

‘She says you have to do lots of smelly jobs if you're a farmer, like cleaning sheeps's poo off their bottoms!'

‘That's true. Sheep can't wipe their own bottoms when they go to the toilet,' Danny caught Jessica's eye as he uttered the euphemism. ‘So, the farmer has to clip the wool on their bottoms to clean them up. It's called dagging, look. If you're a rich farmer, you can hire someone else, like me, to do mucky stuff like that. I've only just dagged the lambs which are going to …' He stopped himself telling her child the lambs were about to be sold at market. ‘When I was your age I wanted to be a cowboy, like Woody. I wanted to be a cowboy until … like, quite recently.'

‘I think a cowboy is what I really want to be!' Rory said decisively. ‘Or an ice-cream man.' Then, as he watched a forkful of salad on its way to Danny's mouth, he asked, ‘Can I have some?'

‘Sure.' There was no complicated transference of food onto Rory's plate or worry about hygiene. The fork changed direction, Rory opened his mouth, and the salad went straight in. After a moment's thought, which kept the adults in suspense, Rory rubbed his tummy again. ‘Mmm,' he said, but on being offered another forkful, he declined. Jess smiled at Danny. And he smiled back, this time with all the old warmth and openness. It reminded her how much she'd disliked the constraint between them. The moment was interrupted by her son.