Torch Red: Color Me Torn with Bonus Content (11 page)

“I’m sorry,” she says in a small voice.

Suddenly I feel kind of bad for grilling her like this. Like who am I to go picking on others? “Yeah, I’m sorry too, Shawna. And maybe it’s not fair to be mad at you, but I just think it was wrong. Really wrong.”

She looks up and nods. “Yeah, it was wrong.”

“Then why?” I peer into her eyes. “Why did you do it?” Now, I can’t bring myself to admit that this is a double question. I mean first of all, I want to know why she cheated on Emily after I asked her not to. But next I want to know why she’d want to do
that
at all? I mean it seems disgusting and degrading to me. What’s the payoff anyway?

“It was Todd’s idea,” she says in a quiet voice. “We were joking around, and it was kind of a dare, you know, and I suppose I thought I was being cool.”

“Cool?” I can’t contain myself now. “You think
that’s
cool?”

She looks embarrassed now. “No, not really. I guess it seemed kind of daring. I don’t know.”

“Have you done that before?”

She shakes her head no.

So, I pull her off to the back of the auditorium where we can sit and talk without being overheard. “So what would make you want to do it then, Shawna?”

She shrugs. “I don’t know.”

“Doesn’t it make you feel totally degraded? Like you’re just this mindless sexual object?”

“I really like Todd.”

“Did you think it would make him really like you? Did you honestly think it would make him break up with Emily?”

“He said that he was getting tired of her. He thinks she’s boring.”

“That’s not what he tells Emily.”

She frowns now. I can tell she’s hurt.

“Can’t you see he’s just using you, Shawna? Doesn’t that make you feel like a tramp?”

It almost looks like she’s about to cry now.

“Look, I’m not trying to come down on you. The truth is, I’m trying to figure this thing out for myself. I mean it’s kind of confusing.”

She looks up with interest now. “What do you mean?”

And so I launch into what happened to me on Saturday night, sparing no details, and I wait for her reaction.

“Guys can be such scum,” she finally says.

“But they can’t very well do what they do without girls consenting.” I’m thinking I sound a little bit like Casey now. But maybe I don’t care.

She rolls her eyes now. “Don’t be so sure, Zoë. I mean think about it. That guy at the party wanted to push you into something you didn’t want to do. Believe me, I’ve had guys do stuff to me without my consent. Haven’t you ever heard of date rape? Or do you really live under a stone?”

“Yeah, sure,” I say quickly. “I saw a news show on it once. There was this university where—”

“It doesn’t just happen in college. Trust me, Zoë, it happens all the time. Probably among your own friends.”

“How do you know?”

“It’s happened to me.” But she says this in a hard voice, like it doesn’t really matter. “But do you think that girls like me tell anyone about it?”

I study her then finally say, “Probably not.”

“You’re right. What good would it do for me to tell? I’d just end up looking like a total tramp while the guy gets off with a slap on the hand.”

“That’s not fair.”

“When it comes to sex, nothing is fair, Zoë.”

“That just seems all wrong.”

“Tell me about it.”

“Well, okay, Shawna.” I try to reason with her. “If you really feel like that, then why did you have sex with Todd?”

She laughs now. “That’s
not
sex.”

“Huh?”

“You’re still a virgin, right?”

I nod and feel like I’m about five years old.

“Well, you don’t get it, do you?”

I sigh, knowing I’m over my head again. Mostly I’d like for this conversation to just end. I glance up to the stage, hoping that it’s time for us to go up, but Mr. Roberts doesn’t seem to be here yet.

“Look, you’re not stupid, Zoë. You know what intercourse is, right?”

I roll my eyes. “Yeah, of course.”

“Well, intercourse is sex. Outercourse is
not
.”

“Outercourse?”

“Yeah, call it what you want, you know what I mean.”

“That’s
not sex?”

“No, that’s not.”

“Well, I just don’t get that.”

“Don’t you remember what President Clinton said about it?”

“I don’t think I was paying attention.”

Shawna laughs. “Yeah, that figures. But trust me, that’s not sex.”

I just shake my head. “Well, that just doesn’t make any sense.”

Now she laughs even louder. “It’s the way it is, Zoë. Get used to it.”

Get used to it? Yeah, you bet. I feel more confused than ever now. But Miss Lynnwood is calling everyone to the stage and it’s time to end this stupid conversation.

“Are we okay, Zoë?” she asks with hopeful eyes.

“I guess so,” I tell her as we walk toward the front. “The truth
is that Emily and I aren’t even speaking now. So whatever you do or don’t do with Todd isn’t any of my business.”

She smiles with relief. “Really, Zoë, Todd told me that he plans to break up with her this week.”

I seriously doubt this. I think Todd is just looking to get everything he can. But, like I told her, I plan to scoot on out of this messy little love triangle. It’s really
not
my business. And the fact is, I have enough trouble trying to understand my own sexuality without trying to figure out everyone else’s.

Midway through play practice I get to take a break and I sit down in the front row directly below the stage. I watch as Justin practices a lively song-and-dance scene. He’s surprisingly good and I’m amazed at how easily he can pull off the corny lines and actually breathe a little life into them.

“He’s good,” says Nate as he sits down beside me.

“That’s what I was just thinking.”

“So, how’s it going?”

I consider this. “I’m not really sure.”

“Did you talk to Emily?”

“Huh?” I stare at him like he’s from another planet. “What are you talking about?”

He looks slightly embarrassed now. “Casey told me.”

“Casey told
you
?” I am totally stunned.

“She asked me to pray for you. Sorry, maybe I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“Why should this surprise me?” I say. “I mean it’s not like anyone has secrets in this school.”

“Not for long anyway.”

“Did Casey tell you
everything
?”

He nods. “I feel sorry for Emily.”

I sigh loudly. I’m not sure whether to be angry or embarrassed or to just let it go. But in some ways I’d like someone other than Emily and Shawna to talk to. “Yeah, she doesn’t even believe me.”

“That’s too bad. But you told her the truth because you care about her. Right?”

“Yeah. But the whole thing still went south on me.”

“Well, it’s not over yet.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean you and Emily are good friends, and time may change how she sees this thing between you guys.”

“You really think so?”

“Yeah.”

“What makes you so smart about girl stuff?”

He laughs. “I don’t know. I guess it’s just a gut feeling.”

“Well, you might be right, but I don’t plan on telling Emily anything about Todd again. She can figure it out for herself.”

He nods. “So, other than Emily, how’re you doing, Zoë?”

I turn to look at him now, wondering why he’s so interested in what’s going on with me. “Why do you want to know?” I sound snippy even to myself. Maybe I’m just in a bad mood today.

He looks slightly offended, but just says, “Hey, I thought we were friends.”

“Yeah, we are.” I sigh. “I guess I’m just feeling defensive since my life seems a little confused right now.”

“Confused?”

I shrug. “Just the regular stuff, you know.”

He nods. “Oh yeah, I know.”

I study him carefully, skeptical as to whether he could
possibly
know. How could someone like Nate understand all the crazy questions tumbling through my mind?

He laughs. “I know, you’re thinking I wouldn’t get it, right?”

“Yeah. Sort of.”

“And you probably assume that since I’m a Christian, I wouldn’t have the same kinds of problems as you, right?”

“Yeah, I guess so.” I glance up to where Casey Renwick is playing Aunt Eller and cutting up with Justin. “I mean I know that Casey doesn’t get it.”

He laughs now. “You mean because she seems to have it all nailed down about things like dating and sex?”

“You got that right.”

“Well, just because we’re Christians doesn’t mean that we have it all together, Zoë. But at least we have some help.”

“Help?” I study him carefully. “Yeah. God doesn’t just tell us to obey him then set us out to sea to fend for ourselves.”

“What kind of help does God give you?”

Nate considers this. “Well, for starters, he stays in a relationship with me so that he can guide me through sticky situations.”

“Kind of like a body guard?”

He smiles and I notice, not for the first time, that he really has an attractive smile. “Not exactly,” he says. “More like a little voice that reminds me about what’s right and wrong.”

“Right and wrong with Jiminy Cricket.” I sigh. “Is life really that simple?”

“With God it’s pretty straightforward. But don’t get me wrong, Zoë, that doesn’t mean it’s always easy. Take me for instance. I can be in a situation where I know what’s right. It can be simple and clear. But then I still have to choose to
do
right. And sometimes that’s tough.”

I sort of understand, but not completely. “It sounds good,” I tell him, “but it doesn’t make complete sense.”

“Yeah,” he agrees, “it never does. Not until you come to God yourself.”

“Are you hinting at something?” I ask. “Are you trying to convince me to get down on my knees and invite God into my heart?” I can hear the sarcastic tone in my voice and I feel a little embarrassed, but I continue. “Will Pastor Leon give you a gold star if you lead me to God, Nate?”

But he’s not offended. Or if he is, he sure doesn’t show it. He just laughs. “Hey, I can’t lead anyone to God, Zoë. God has to do that himself.”

“Sorry,” I say. “I didn’t mean to sound so jaded. But I’m confused about so many things at the moment, I don’t see how throwing religion into the puddle is going to help clear anything up.”

“You might be surprised,” he says. “Although I’m not talking about religion. I’m talking about a relationship with God. He made you and understands you and knows what you need to have a good life.”

A
good
life? Now I wonder what that would be exactly. Or what it would feel like? Or if it’s even possible. “Is that what you have, Nate?” I ask. “Do you have a good life?”

He chuckles. “Well, it’s not perfect, that’s for sure. But it’s pretty good. I’m not complaining.”

“Well, I’m not complaining either,” I assure him as Justin jumps down from the stage then wipes off his brow with a hand towel.

“I’m plumb tuckered out,” he says in his Oklahoma drawl then flops down in the seat beside me. “How’d that scene look from down here?”

“Fantastic,” I tell him. “You were totally awesome.”

“Yeah, you were really great,” agrees Nate. “Your timing is perfect.”

Justin studies Nate for a moment, almost like he wants to know what the two of us were just talking about, but he doesn’t ask. “Timing is everything,” he finally says in what almost sounds like a superior tone. I wonder if it’s meant to be some sort of put-down to Nate. Then Justin slips his arm around me in what feels like a slightly possessive move. And to my surprise I want to pull away from him. But I don’t.

“That’s true,” says Nate. “As long as you have your clock set right.”

“Huh?” Justin frowns as I suppress laughter.

Then it’s time for Nate and me to get ready for our next scene. Nate gives me a hand to help me up onto the stage and to my surprise I find myself mentally comparing these two guys. And here’s what’s weird: Today I’m not totally sure who scores higher.

A
S THE WEEK PROGRESSES
, E
MILY CONTINUES TO IGNORE ME
. A
ND
I
CON
tinue to pretend that I don’t care. Naturally, this puts me a little on the outside of my closest friends. Even Andrea, who is usually pretty nice, has been treating me like I’ve got cooties or something. And girls like Thea and Kirsti can be really blunt and almost cruel.

“What’s up with you two?” Thea asks me as we’re getting dressed after PE.

“Huh?” I try to act dumb.

“You and Emily,” she probes. “You guys are acting like you hate each other. What happened? Did you make a move on Todd during play practice or something?”

I glance over at Shawna, who is silently tying her shoes, then I just roll my eyes at Thea and say, “Yeah, sure. I wait until Justin’s not looking then Todd and I slip backstage and rip each others’ clothes off.”

Fortunately this makes them laugh. Well, except for Emily, who is scowling more than ever right now. Shawna has already slipped out without even being noticed. I suspect I may have offended her, but I’m not even sure that I care. More and more I’m thinking it’s every man (or girl) for himself. Only the strong survive.