Tooner Schooner (19 page)

“Ain’t you glad you ain’t twenty?” Mrs. Feeley sighed as she watched Velma and Sunshine go down the driveway.

Mrs. Rasmussen poured out cold beer. “It hurts just as bad when you’re old enough to know better. The lamb’ll be done in ten minutes.”

Miss Tinkham turned on the radio and began to arrange the camellias Mrs. Feeley had picked. She doddled her head in time to the music:

“‘Blues in the Night.’ The lyrics tell the complete story of human disenchantment.”

She turned suddenly as something whizzed past her head. It was Captain Elisha Dowdy’s yachting cap.

“Allowed I better throw my hat in fust!” he boomed from the door.

“Tooner!” Mrs. Feeley came away from the icebox with a shriek.

Mrs. Rasmussen sat calmly in her rocker.

“I told you,” she said quietly.

“Well! Let’s have it! Gimme my tongue-lashin’! I can take it.” The captain stood waiting for the storm to break.

“Gawd,” Mrs. Feeley hugged him violently, “ain’t gonna bawl you out. We’re too glad to see you.”

“Did you run into Velma and Sunshine?” Miss Tinkham said. The captain shook his head.

“Cat got your tongue?” He smiled at Mrs. Rasmussen.

“You feelin’ all right?” She got up and took hold of his arm to make sure.

“Finest kind. Been down Guaymas way. You didn’t go to blow my boat outa the water, but I’d had a bait of it. When somethin’ happens to a man’s boat, a feller goes off his noggin’.”

Mrs. Feeley looked at Miss Tinkham and then at Mrs. Rasmussen.

“You ain’t et,” she said. “We got news for you.”

“This place has got a kinda magnetic attraction for me,” he said. “Sunshine makin’ out all right?”

“As nearly all right as any woman can be,” Miss Tinkham tried to keep her voice impersonal, “when the man she loves chooses to ignore her existence.”

“What good is it when you know you can’t do ennathin’ about it?” The captain bent over to pick his cap up off the floor.

“Dear Captain,” Miss Tinkham could restrain herself no longer, “you
can
do something about it! If you care to roust out a justice of the peace, you can marry Sunshine in Mexico tonight. Assuming, of course, that she is still interested.”

Captain Dowdy stared at her.

“The heat’s got you.”

“Chartreuse has divorced you and married Ethelbert,” Miss Tinkham said. “What do you think of that?”

“It’s a goddam lie.”

“No it ain’t, Tooner. Velma seen the marriage lines an’ the divorce paper,” Mrs. Feeley said.

“They’re fake,” he said with finality. “Can’t get no divorce without the husband bein’ notified or signing a paper.”

“That’s what you think,” Mrs. Rasmussen said. “Miss Tinkham here told her how.”

The captain seemed to freeze. He sat forward and stared at her for a moment.

“This ent possible,” he said. “Would you mind lettin’ me have it in words of one syllable?”

“Velma and I sold Ethelbert on a fortuneteller called Madam Gazza.”

“It was Miss Tinkham,” Mrs. Rasmussen said, “done up like a fat woman in the front bus. Her own ma wouldn’t know her.”

“I told Ethelbert,” Miss Tinkham said, “that if he didn’t want to lose out on what he really deserved, he must marry Chartreuse.”

“Get to the divorce,” Tooner rasped.

“Chartreuse was jealous and followed him here, expecting to find him in a love nest with Velma,” Miss Tinkham said. “I gave her a reading and told her she must marry Ethelbert if she wanted happiness and prosperity.”

“Where does the divorce come in?”

“Gently does it.” Miss Tinkha”I held her hand up. “I made her promise to ask you for the divorce in a straightforward manner. When she went to see you about it, you had left.”

“Then it ent legal,” he shouted. “I didn’t have a chance to protest.”

“Oh yes, it is,” Miss Tinkham said. “I didn’t put my eyes out over those law books without being sure it was legal. I merely pointed out to Chartreuse that, as a citizen, a legal resident of Arizona,
bona fide,
if you please, she could start divorce action against you by a process known as citation by publication.”

“Never heard of it!” Elisha Dowdy snapped.

“I read of a case in the papers several years ago. One year’s residence in the state; six months in the county. Velma’s lawyer satisfied us as to the legality of the action, and I gave Chartreuse step-by-step instruction.”

The captain’s mouth was a thin line.

“Too bad you can’t be my mouthpiece when I’m up for the murder I’m plannin’.”

“Being a legal resident. Chartreuse could start the action to divorce her husband under one of three conditions: in case her husband was not a resident of Arizona, if her husband was a transient person, or in case she did not know the legal place of residence of her husband. You fitted all three, my dear.”

“She knew where the boat was. I’ll have it set aside! Fraud. Perjury, too!”

“Not so fast.” Miss Tinkham pulled out a letter. “I forced her to do the job ethically.”

“She never done an ethical thing in her life!”

“But you sailed away for parts unknown without leaving a forwarding address. Here is the returned letter, unopened, as you can see. Captain Elisha Dowdy, Schooner South Wind, City Yacht Basin…must I go on?”

“You must,” he said grimly.

“By making her mail you the letter containing a copy of the citation she was publishing in the paper, she fulfilled the law perfectly and completely. After it was returned, I made her send it, unopened, to me for safekeeping so that no one can ever break your divorce by claiming fraud. I am in possession of the proof that it was done legally.”

“Good God in heaven,” Captain Dowdy prayed, ‘have mercy on me!”

“In the Arizona weekly newspaper, Chartreuse advertised for four consecutive weeks that you were thereby notified of the action being taken against you. Thirty days after the last publication of the notice, service was complete and she could go ahead and get her decree. It didn’t take long after that. They were married almost at once.” Captain Dowdy sat like a man having his head shaved for the electric chair.

“Everythin’s ducky, Tooner,” Mrs. Feeley cried. “We fixed it!”

“I’ll be goddammed if you didn’t,” he whispered through dry lips. “The boat’s in Chartreuse’s name!”

It was the ladies’ turn to stare aghast and open-mouthed.

“Lock, stock an’ barrel! I turned it into her name last year.”

“How come?” Mrs. Feeley was the first to recover.

“When I started chatterin’,” he said. “The Coast Guard’s got a book full o’ laws, maritime safety an’ stuff. One set o’ rules is for chatterin’, an’ another set for boats haulin’ for hire.”

“I don’t get it,” Mrs. Rasmussen said.

“If it’s a straight chatter,” Elisha Dowdy said, “you rent your boat to a patty, an’ he sails it himself or hires a skipper.”

“The owner remains ashore?” Miss Tinkham said.

“That’s it. Bare boat, they call it.”

“Why didn’t you just stay ashore instead of turning it over to Chartreuse?” Miss Tinkham said.

“Ennabody sails my boat, it’s gonna be me,” he said. “If I was in the straight haulin’ for hire business, I could be owner an’ captain, see?” The ladies nodded.

“Why weren’t you?” Miss Tinkham said.

“Because I didn’t have the two thousand dollars or better that I would need to change over the gas tanks into separate compa’tments, or else install a hull new system. Seemed simpler to make Chartreuse the owner an’ me the skipper.”

“That’s why the mention of the Coast Guard always upset you so,” Miss Tinkham said.

“Don’t want ’em sniffin’ round.” The captain groaned. “Don’t make no difference now; I’m a ruined man.”

“That’s what she had on you all the time,” Mrs. Rasmussen said.

“It’s very plain when all the cards are on the table,” Miss Tinkham said. “He couldn’t have got the divorce without giving up his boat to that harpy.” Miss Tinkham thought back. “That is what she meant by saying that it was just as well you were not in port, that way you could not talk her out of anything. I remember that phrase distinctly.”

“It don’t look like it was
Chartreuse
talked me out of ennathin’!” The captain was white with anger. “You foxed me out of my livelihood and fixed it so I lost the only chance I had of bringin’ pressure to bear on her. I mighta swapped her the divorce for the title to my own boat. Goddam such a mess!”

Miss Tinkham was afraid she was going to cry.

“That’s not quite fair. Captain. We’ll do what we can to straighten out the difficulty. Chartreuse won’t be too much trouble. She now has what she wants.”

“Sure!” the captain stormed. “That Fancy Dan
AND
my boat!”

“I do think it’s wise for you to keep out of sight for a few days while we deal with her,” Miss Tinkham said.

“I’ll keep outa sight! Never fear! ’Y God, I’ll get underway quicker’n a cat can lick…”

“You must not do anything rash, Captain,” Miss Tinkham said. “Chartreuse and Ethelbert are in town, or were a day or so ago…”

“She’s come after it. She’s stealin’ my dream!” The captain bit his lips. “I’ll never let her take
South Wind!
I’ll run her aground fust. Bust every carlin she’s got!” He jammed his cap on his head and stamped out the door, slamming the screen behind him.

“Cooked. That’s what we are,” Mrs. Feeley said.

“It is indeed a situation to approach with fear and…”

“Depredations,” Mrs. Feeley agreed. “Gawd, I need a beer.”

T
UESDAY
AFTERNOON
Velma came out to the house.

“I came as soon as I could after I got your message,” she said. “He certainly dropped the ball when he turned the title of the boat over to her.”

“That’s water under the bridge,” Miss Tinkham said. “How are we going to get it back?”

“He hadn’t orta blame us so hard,” Mrs. Feeley said. “But we gotta get it back by hook or by crook.”

“Chartreuse got grabby,” Velma said, “when she saw all the publicity in the Sunday edition that Cobb did. The ink was scarcely dry on it when she was over here to see for herself what all the excitement was.”

“It may be a case of more of the same,” Miss Tinkham said. “You are sure the schooner was out as you came by?”

“The man at the gas pump hadn’t seen him since last night,” Velma said.

“He shouldn’t run off with a boat that doesn’t belong to him,” Miss Tinkham said. “He’ll be in real trouble with the Coast Guard.”

“He’s bound to have Captain’s papers of some kind still in effect,” Velma said. “How would it be if you and I drove down to see if he’s come in?”

“The devilish part of it is,” Miss Tinkham said, “that we still don’t know how to get hold of Chartreuse. It is highly improbable that she would have the papers with her on her honeymoon. He’ll never forgive us for anything less than a bill of sale duly sworn to.”

“I know where they used to hang out,” Velma said.

“Me an’ Mrs. Rasmussen had best keep outa this,” Mrs. Feeley said.

“Don’t wait for me and don’t worry,” Miss Tinkham said. “Just drifting along, lost in the herd, frees the mind and harnesses the subconscious.”

Miss Tinkham straightened her floppy rice-straw coolie hat.

“Let’s go,” Velma said. “He was quite serious, I’m afraid,” Miss Tinkham said, “when he said he would scuttle the boat before he would let Chartreuse have her.”

“So far as Tooner is concerned, women are just nice things to have around the house. The one great love of his life is his boat. He might steal it, but I don’t think he’d wreck it.”

“If he did…” Miss Tinkham stopped talking and gazed at the empty waterfront.

“We should try to reach him on the ship-to-shore telephone, through the marine operator,” Velma said.

“What have we got to tell him?” Miss Tinkham said.

“You’re right there,” Velma said. A paperboy stuck his head in the car and Velma handed him a dime.