Too Busy for Your Own Good (31 page)

Thank and acknowledge them: “Thanks, that's an excellent point.”

Point out working together. “Gee, your idea sounds great. Let's work together and see how we might be able to combine what I've just mentioned and what you brought up.”

Alicia was negotiating a land sale contract for her buyers with the sellers' attorney. He was nearly a caricature of a “bad” attorney—portly, bald, loud, chauvinistic, and overbearing. She felt her blood pressure rising, yet she stayed calm and repeatedly said, “That hasn't been my experience” to every idea he offered.

The attorney probably got so fed up and frustrated with her just making this one comment that he finally blew up and said, “Well, what the hell is your experience?” She very calmly took her papers, stood up, and proceeded to counter
with, “In the twenty-three transactions like this that I've closed since January, I've found that all parties settle upon this formula.”

A well-handled complaint creates loyalty and repeat business. According to a survey from the U.S. Office of Consumer Affairs, most—more than 70 percent—of consumers with service problems
do not
complain. But when they
did
and their gripes were resolved, 70 percent said they would reuse that product. When complaints were
not
resolved, fewer than half said they would purchase the product or service again. When the loss was greater than two hundred dollars, 91 percent of those who did not complain
just stopped using it
.

Complainers can take up time reiterating their complaints, requiring you to solve their problems and shaking confidence. This all adds to your busyness and stress. You can tame your complainer lion with these simple steps.

Listen for Clues
. Make a commitment to listen to the complainer fully before you interrupt, solve, or correct the problem. Often we interrupt or ignore complainers, making them worse. After all, you're busy and you need to move on. Asking for more complaints is not a sick desire for more pain but a way to smoke out the real complaint. Ever noticed how some people whine around a problem? Think of them as a full balloon needing to be relieved of the hot air.

Repeat the Complaint
. Once Mr. or Ms. Verypicky has dumped on you, take all the information and condense it into a few short sentences. You will be paraphrasing them,
not
parroting. Begin this paraphrasing by saying, “What I hear you saying is . . .” or “It's my understanding that your main concern is . . .” and then summarize the points as you understand them.

Put It in Their Lap
. This is the key to converting them. Before you start with your solution, ask them to solve the problem. This is like a tennis game when your opponent smashes a serve to you. What do you do? Return it! Before you say, “This is nuts,” consider their viewpoint. The whole time they've been grumbling to themselves and others, they've already started “shoulding” on you. Whether they've told you or not, they're thinking, “She should do this” or “What should have been done is that.” All you're doing is giving them permission—and that builds relationship. The faster a positive relationship is established, the closer you are to converting them to your ally.

Limit Your Response
. The ball's now in their court, and they blast it back with the most ridiculous (undoable, expensive, illegal) solution. Do not show emotion, outrage, or smugness. Rather, paraphrase their solution and tell them what you're going to do. “I understand you'd like the manager shot, your money refunded, a new product at no charge, and the company closed. What I am prepared to do is . . .” Limit your response to what you
will
do.

Loop Back When Possible
. If you see them later, don't avoid their gaze, hide, or turn the other way. Instead, smile, approach them, and say, “I really appreciate you bringing that to my attention.” Add where appropriate, “I hope it was resolved to your satisfaction.” This is what martial arts students refer to as “honoring your opponent.” It's a golden opportunity to solidify the relationship, making
you “dependable” and going a long way to making them your ally in future situations.

The greatest bonus to converting the complainer will be the formation of a bond between you and that person. Yes, you'll actually become closer to that person—and that's a good thing. The
Harvard Business Review
reported that service is your only strategic weapon for differentiating yourself. In these days when you must do more with less, isn't it good to know that converting a complainer is a skill that will dramatically distinguish you as a professional and valuable member of the team?

Having worked in advanced life support, I
know
what real drama is. Present me with an unconscious person, and I can check vitals, initiate CPR, and start an IV simultaneously. When someone falls off (or is unloaded from) a horse in our barn, I'm flying across the arena barking orders, grabbing the loose horse, and doing first aid on the person about the time most people are thinking, “Ah, did something just happen?”

Present me with people who have some commotion or atrocity going on, and I have an opinion how they can solve it. I'll try to gently suggest what to do. If that doesn't work, I'll try another solution. After they do nothing I suggest and I'm worn out from trying, I finally get it!
They don't want my help; they just want their drama!

To a drama queen or king (DQ or DK), everything is cause for high alert. They can stir up anxiety in even the most centered person and halt production in the smoothest-running department. A DQ or DK might look and act calmly themselves, but they've always got
something
dramatic, tumultuous, or just plain weird going on. At first, you try to be their
friend, because you are enlightened, kind, and compassionate. You listen, you empathize, and you try to help. Soon you find yourself irritated by their very presence. You tell yourself, “Be kinder, they're going through a rough patch.” But, then the patch turns into a long period of time. Soon, when you see them dancing in your peripheral vision, you want to say “What now?!” You've even thought of smacking them with tough love. Rather than facing possible assault charges, though, there is a better way.

The drama queen has identified you as someone she can engage in the drama that is happening to her. Best-case scenario is to
not
get engaged in the first place but, instead, to subtly give her the impression that you're unavailable for
whatever it is
. Often, all it takes is a “Hello, how are you?” to suck you in. When you find yourself caught in the drama net, you can keep yourself untangled if you

Look at them directly.

Make no comment or verbal noise.

Offer no suggestion to help.

If you
must
say something, try

“Hmmmm” (nodding slowly),
or

“I, ah, just don't know” (shaking your head slowly and sympathetically),
and

“Gosh, it beats me, I need to get this finished” (turn back to your work).