Together We Heal (4 page)

“Really?” I said. Stryker didn’t seem like the marrying type, but who knew? The baby had changed everything for them.

“Yeah, he told me yesterday. He’s saving up for a ring and then he’s going to do one of those elaborate proposals. So I hope you’re okay with being involved, being filmed and potentially becoming a viral video sensation.” I laughed. I didn’t think it would get that far, but you never knew.

“Katie’s going to be your sister,” I said.

“Yeah, I know,” she said flopping down on her bed and covering her eyes. Her roommate was gone as usual, so we had the place to ourselves. I pulled out the stack of blankets from under the bed and started to make up my little mattress.

“It’s crazy. I never thought someone like her would be my sister, but I’m kind of excited. Does that sound weird?”

“Not at all,” I said, crossing my legs and looking up at her from the floor. “I always wanted a sibling. Brother or sister, it didn’t matter. Someone to take the pressure off me from my parents.” My whole life I’d been in the spotlight and it had driven me nearly insane. I’d had to escape, which was one of the reasons I came to college.

“Ugh, why? My brother drives me nuts.” She was totally lying. She loved Stryker with a fierceness I often envied. I wished she loved me like that.

“Trish?” I asked.

“Hm?” She leaned over the side of the bed so our faces were level.

“Can I come up there with you? Just to sleep. Not to do anything else. The floor is kinda uncomfortable and it hurts my back.” She looked at me as if I’d asked her to run away and join the circus with me.

Her mouth opened and closed and she blinked a few times before she leaned back.

“Okay.” I was so surprised I didn’t move right away.

“Okay?”

“Uh huh. Sure.” I got up slowly so I didn’t startle her, and sat on her bed next to her. I kept plenty of clothes here, but I usually just slept in my boxers.

“I’ll keep my shirt and jeans on if you want,” I said, shucking my shoes and socks. She fiddled with the ends of her hair. The color had faded and she was going to need to redo it soon.

“No, that’s fine.” She got up and went to grab her pajamas.

I’d never seen her naked either. She asked me to face the wall when she changed and I just always did it. This time I didn’t want to. I wanted to see her. I wanted to touch her. I craved her skin and her scent and everything. The wanting roared in my brain and my dick went hard in two seconds flat. Sure, it happened a lot around her, but right now I was going to have to do something about it.

Trish changed while I was occupied with hiding my visible boner. When she sat back down on the bed, she was wearing a thin tank top and even thinner shorts. They were worn and faded from too many washings. Her clothes were way too revealing and I sort of jerked away from her.

She gave me a look and then got up to get one of the makeup wipes to take off her eyeliner and everything else. I got a little shot of satisfaction because I was one of the only ones who had seen her sans makeup. She looked softer when she didn’t have it on. Trish was beautiful either way, but I favored the clean version of her more.

I leaned my head back on the wall, closed my eyes and tried to think of anything to deflate my boner.

Famine, mass murders, animals being abused…

“What are you doing?” My eyes snapped open and there she was, standing right in front of me in next to nothing, her face clean and her hair down.

Fuck. Me.

I let my eyes wander from the top of her head to the tips of her black-painted toes and it was good. It was all good. Her body should be studied by science because it was definitely something special.

“Max?” she said, shifting from foot to foot, uncomfortable with my staring.

“Yeah?” I said, not taking my eyes off her body, but slowly moving up to her face.

Her face was almost always set in some sort of hard expression. But right now she looked vulnerable. Sweet. Like the girl I rarely got to see.

“You can’t look at me like that,” she said, shaking her head, but not covering herself up, or moving away.

“Why not?”

“Because you just shouldn’t. I don’t like it.” At last she crossed her arms over her chest and glared. There she was. I knew that side of Trish was coming back.

“You don’t like it?” I couldn’t look away from her. Her eyes narrowed.

“No.”

“I can’t really help it, you know. I really, really like looking at you.” Her eyes narrowed to slits.

“What are you talking about?”

Was she serious?

“Who wouldn’t want to look at you? You’re beautiful.” She was so bright and colorful too. From the hair to the tattoos that bloomed on her skin. She had quite a few; more even than her brother.

“Whatever,” she said, rolling her eyes. This wasn’t the first time I’d encountered Trish’s poor opinion of herself. I just wanted to shake her sometimes. She was an incredible person and she just couldn’t see it.

“I’m no underwear model wearing wings,” she said.

“No, you’re not. You’re better.” She ran her hands through her hair and went to sit on her roommate’s bed, getting as far away from me as she could and still be in the same room. Sitting back, she drew her knees up and propped her chin on them.

“I don’t know why you’re still with me. I can’t sleep with you. I can’t have sex with you. I can’t do the normal stuff girlfriends are supposed to do.” Here we go. I knew we were going to have this conversation eventually.

I took a breath and gathered my thoughts before I answered. I didn’t want to upset her if I could help it.

“I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want those things with you. I do. I really do. But if you’re not ready for that, it’s okay. I just… I want to make you happy. Because you make me happy. You’re amazing and gorgeous and you love people with this strength that you’re not even aware of. I knew the moment I met you at that funeral that you were going to change my life.” I let it happen. I let my heart spill out of my mouth. I couldn’t hold it in any longer.

“I love you, Trish. I know it hasn’t been that long, but it doesn’t matter. I love you and I’m going to be here for you.” Her pale skin went even paler when I said I loved her. I finished my little speech and then waited for her response. My heart was pounding so hard I could barely breathe.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT.
Was this really happening? Did he just say that he loved me? How was that fucking possible? I felt in that moment that I was living someone else’s life. I’d been dropped into a role I wasn’t prepared for.

Had I stepped into the plot of a romantic movie? Sure felt like that. Here was this amazing and sexy guy telling me all the things I’d ever wanted to hear. I should have been over the moon. I should have been making out with him and doing other stuff. It should have made me happy.

But all I felt was dread. Fear. Bad feelings that squashed any good feelings that I might have had.

What was wrong with me? Why couldn’t I just be normal? Why couldn’t I let myself have this?

I opened my mouth to say something. I needed to say
something
.

“I’m sorry,” I finally choked out. His dark eyebrows drew together.

“Sorry for what?”

“Sorry that I can’t be the girl you need me to be. Sorry that you can say all those wonderful things about me and I can’t believe them. I’ve been through so much in my life and a lot of it broke me beyond repair. I’m not a whole person, Max. You can’t love someone who isn’t whole. I can’t love you back.” He clasped his hands and looked down at them.

We never should have started this conversation. It was going to end here, I knew it. He was going to take his ticket and get out.

I’d wrecked it. I’d wrecked us.

“I’m not going anywhere,” he said, startling me. I’d been too locked in my own head.

“What?”

He cleared his throat and sat up straight.

“I’m not going anywhere. I think you’re trying to push me away, trying to sabotage this and that’s not going to work on me. I’m not going anywhere.” His eyes narrowed and I saw steely determination in them. I knew he was strong. He had to be to leave his parents and go out on his own at only eighteen years old. Max had left complete security for the unknown. I couldn’t imagine that.

“What if I want you to go away?” I said. I was going to test how far he’d push this.

“I don’t believe that. But if you did, really did, I wouldn’t push myself on you.” I believed him.

“Look, Trish, this isn’t working the way we are. Things have to change. I’m sticking around, but I need something from you in return. Just a little bit of trust. Just a tiny bit. I’m not talking about sex. I’m just talking about sharing things with me. I want to know what goes on in that head of yours. I know you have a rough past. I’m not going to judge you for it. I’m not scared of it. I’m not scared of
you
.”

Somewhere along the line, I started to cry. I couldn’t help it. This poor boy loved me so much and it made my already-broken heart fracture again. How many times could you break a heart before it couldn’t be repaired? I was pretty sure mine was beyond help.

“You should be,” I said.

WE WERE BOTH
quiet for a long time after that. It seemed that we were at an impasse.

“I don’t know how to trust you, Max. There’s only one person in the world I really trust and he’s spent our entire lives earning it.” It would probably hurt my other friends’ feelings to know that I don’t truly trust them, but whatever. I couldn’t help it.

“It’s okay. As long as you try. That’s all I’m asking. Trying.” She caught her bottom lip between her teeth and nodded.

“I can try. No promises. But I can try.” She exhaled shakily and I could tell by the look on her face that she was freaking out.

“I’m not going to hurt you, Trish,” I said, but that was a promise I probably shouldn’t make. Still, if anyone was getting hurt in this whole thing, it was probably going to be me. Trish was used to turning people off and having them just go away. I was a little more persistent than the average person. I was willing to get through the thorns and prickles she put out to ward off intruders.

“Okay,” she said and got up from the bed. “We should probably get to sleep. I’m tired.” I wasn’t sure if the sleeping together thing was still happening, but she came over and motioned for me to move aside so she could pull the blankets back. She got in and looked up at me.

God, I loved her so much it made everything else get blurry. I wasn’t going to think about the fact that I’d said I loved her and she’d said she couldn’t love me back. I could wait. I would wait.

“Are you coming?” she asked and I stood up. She held the blankets out for me to get in. Oh, we were doing this. Awesome.

I got in next to her and she scooted over closer to the wall. I was surprised she didn’t want to be on the outside, but she didn’t say a word as I turned onto my side. There wasn’t much space between us, seeing as how it was a twin bed. Her back was to me and I could tell she was breathing hard.

“I’m not going to hurt you, Trish. I just want you to let me love you,” I whispered into her shoulder. She sighed and wiggled a little bit back and toward me. Taking a risk, I snaked my arm around her waist. She froze for a minute, but then relaxed again. Looked like she was going to let me leave it there. I closed my eyes and let my head sink into her pillow. It smelled like her. This was so much better than being on the floor.

I WAS FREAKING
the fuck out, thank you very much. I tried to tell myself that this was Max. I liked Max. He was cute and sweet and smelled good and said things to me that made me think I was a fraction worthy of him.

When he put his arm around me, I almost bolted. But I let myself feel it and it was nice. Warm. Comforting. He smelled really good, and I made my mind focus on that and the sound of his breathing in my ear. It was lucky that I wasn’t facing him. I didn’t think I could have dealt with that. Too much.

I really did want to try for him. I was going to. I wouldn’t do it for anyone else. He was damn lucky that I liked him so much.

I refused to think about the fact that he’d said he loved me. I was too busy dealing with the sleeping situation to cross that bridge right now.

It took a long time for me to even get over the fact that I was sharing a bed with someone to even start to think about sleep. But then my eyes finally closed and the next thing I knew, my alarm was going off and I was groaning. I sat up. Or I tried to.

“Ow!” I’d completely forgotten about Max and had sat up so fast my skull smacked into his nose.

“Shit, are you okay?” I asked as he held onto his nose and writhed around.

He moaned a few times and then moved his hands. Gross, it was bleeding.

“Let me get you a tissue. Is it broken?” He put his hand under his gushing nose so it wouldn’t get on my sheets. Such a gentleman.

“I don’t think so,” he said, his voice all nasally. I grabbed a box of tissues and shoved them at him. He staunched the flow and started grinning at me.

“What are you smiling for?” I asked. Maybe I’d also damaged his brain.

“I can’t believe you let me stay the night with you,” he said, his voice even more stuffed from the tissues.

“You’re ridiculous,” I said, and I wanted to punch him in the shoulder, but I’d already inflicted enough violence on him for one morning. “I’m going to take a shower.”

He just nodded and tipped his head back to stop the bleeding. I grabbed my shower stuff and escaped.

I FELT WEIRD
during breakfast, and I swore everyone was staring at us.

“No one is looking at us,” Max said in my ear. I turned and glared at him.

“Shut up.”

“Are you two fighting?” Simon said from across the table. He, Brady, Will and Audrey had joined us. I was regretting that we were all eating together. I would have rather eaten in my room. By myself. Or at the very least, with just Max.

“No,” Max and I said at the exact same time.

Simon put his hands up in surrender.

“Whoa, sorry I asked.” He went back to his French toast and I glowered over my coffee. I wasn’t much of a morning person.

“Did something happen to your nose? It looks a little red,” Audrey said to Max. He was fine with talking when we were alone, but he was unusually quiet around my friends and my brother. I wasn’t sure why, but it didn’t bother me. I could talk enough for the two of us and Lottie talked enough for five people.

“Just bumped it this morning,” Max said, feeling the bridge of his nose and wincing. It did look a little red and swollen, but I’d already apologized a bazillion times and offered to do his laundry for the next month. He didn’t take me up on the offer, but he did accept the apologies.

“Hey, so you guys are coming this weekend, right?” Will said.

“Uh yeah. My brother is getting engaged,” I said and Audrey shushed me.

“Sorry, I just don’t want it to get spoiled. He’s been working so hard on it.” Didn’t I know it? He’d been calling to bounce ideas off of me. I’d shot down some of the worst ones and told him to just go with his natural talents. He could play a ton of instruments and sing. Boom. Proposal.

He’d also roped The Band in on it and I was supposed to help keep Katie in the dark until then. Not too hard. She was consumed with planning out how long she could continue to go to school before the baby was born, figuring out if she could still eat soft cheeses and slathering cocoa butter on her stomach to prevent stretch marks. I was pretty sure a proposal was the farthest thing from her mind.

He was going to set everything up in an abandoned parking lot down the street from his apartment. The lot would be filled with various cars he’d worked on and everyone would be hiding in the cars. The playing would start and The Band would pop out, Katie would cry and realize what was happening and then Stryker would get down on one knee and blah, blah, blah.

My official job was to film the whole thing with a steady hand so we could put it online. I’d volunteered because that meant I wouldn’t be in it.

Stryker had found a ring and I rolled my eyes so hard they nearly fell out of my head when I saw it. Pink, of course. Pink tourmaline, which was mined in Maine. It was
so
Katie that I couldn’t even believe it hadn’t been custom made for her.

He’d lightened up a little on Katie. She was allowed to shower without the chair and drive short distances alone. But his eyes still followed her around the room and he jumped at loud noises and reached for her. It was pretty damn sweet, actually. My brother had always been protective, but this was different. And he was happy. So fucking happy, I thought his face was going to split wide open when he smiled.

I was excited for him, but I was something else too. Jealous. Painfully, horribly jealous. It clawed at me from the inside, dark and thick and oozing. I tried to ignore it, but I couldn’t. I wanted that. I wanted a man who cared about me in that way. Who wanted to marry me, God forbid. Who wanted to have children with me.

I’d look at Max and see him looking that way at me. The way Stryker looked at Katie. I wanted it, but it scared the absolute shit out of me. Because what if it didn’t work out? What if it ended? Then what would I have? Fucking nothing.

I couldn’t stop the negative thoughts from taking over and running my life. It was how I’d functioned for almost nineteen years and it was hard to break old habits.

WHEN I GOT
back from classes, my roommate was out and Max was at work. I had the place to myself so I did something that I only did when I had too many thoughts in my head that I couldn’t get out.

I put on some music and danced.