To the Moon and Back (12 page)

So that was why she had wanted to give him the painting. The money aspect had been irrelevant, the fact that he'd loved her work was all that mattered.

‘And the next day was a continuation of that,' said Tony.

She nodded. ‘I still can't believe I did it. You were just… so perfect. It was like taking a holiday from being myself. For a few hours I could be somebody else. I felt normal. No, I didn't, I felt
wonderful
.' Fresh tears sprang into her eyes. ‘It was like the best dream ever.' Her fingernails were digging into the palms of her hands. ‘And then it was over, and I woke up.'

‘But it wasn't a dream.'

‘I know that. I wish it had been. I was unfaithful to my husband and I hate myself. Which is why you have to leave me alone and not contact me. Because it's never going to happen again.'

Tony didn't want to hear her saying this. ‘I don't think what we did was wrong.'

‘That's not true. Of course it's
wrong
.' Martha eyed him sadly. ‘You're just trying to justify it.'

‘But there
is
a justification.'

‘For better, for worse. That's what I said when I made my wedding vows.'

‘But that's not—'

‘Don't say it.' Martha held up her hands to stop him. ‘This is my husband we're talking about. Would you like to ask Eunice if she thinks there's justification? What do you suppose her opinion would be? She lives just across the street, by the way. That afternoon we came back here, I knew she was away visiting friends in Stockport. Then when you turned up the next day, she was here. She'd come back early. And Eunice isn't stupid. She doesn't miss a trick. Which is why you have to go now.'

This was unbearable. Tony said, ‘But I love you.'

She flinched, the words hitting her like arrows. ‘Don't say that either. It can't happen. We had a moment together, but it was wrong. And it's
over.
You're a Hollywood actor and I'm an ordinary married woman from Tufnell Park.'

‘You're not ordinary.'

Martha pressed her lips together and crossed the kitchen. Out in the hall, she pulled open the front door.

‘I can't do this anymore. You have your life to live and I have mine.' She sounded as if her heart was breaking, but the look she gave him was resolute. ‘If you care about me, you'll leave. Now.'

A nasty riding accident seven years ago had left Dr Geraldine Castle with a broken left hip that had never successfully knitted back together. Now arthritis had set in as well, making the situation that much more difficult. It was, as she put it herself, a complete bugger. Walking was painful now, horse riding a thing of the past. High heels these days were only for looking at.

It didn't stop her buying them, though.

Once a shoe queen, always a shoe queen.

The postman, unable to deliver the parcel next door earlier, had left it with Ellie instead. Now back from lunch with an ex-work colleague, Geraldine had arrived to pick it up.

‘OK, you have to see these,' she exclaimed. ‘They are just to die for!'

Neither her limp nor her carved ebony walking stick detracted from her glamour. At sixty-one, innate style coupled with the posture of a model meant heads turned whenever Geraldine entered a room. Last year she had retired from a career in medicine, having spent many years in general practice.

In the office, she sat down and unwrapped the parcel.

‘Oh, now,
there
you are. Hello!' Having removed the lid of the box, she greeted the shoes like long-lost children. ‘Look at you! Aren't you beautiful?' She lifted them out and lovingly stroked the butter-soft lilac leather.

‘If a patient told you he talked to his shoes,' Ellie pointed out, ‘you'd refer him to a psychiatrist.'

‘You know what? I probably would. But these are different.' Geraldine was busy admiring the silver leather flowers on the front. ‘They're a work of art. They demand adulation!'

She truly loved them. Sometimes she would even wear them, but only whilst sitting down. Ellie watched her reverently place the shoes back in the box. ‘I prefer flip-flops.'

‘That's because you're a heathen,' said Geraldine. ‘Where's Zack today?'

‘Northampton. He'll be back around six.'

‘You've been here for almost a month now.' Geraldine's eyes were bright as they searched her face. ‘Enjoying it?'

‘Definitely. No more getting squashed on the tube,' Ellie said happily. ‘Bliss!'

An eyebrow was raised. ‘That's all, is it?'

‘And getting to see Elmo every day.'

‘Well, that goes without saying.' Geraldine looked amused. ‘I was thinking more of Zack. Isn't it a bonus getting to see him too?'

Giving up work had left Geraldine with way too much time on her hands and a curiosity that knew no bounds. She was like a couples therapist in perpetual search of problems to solve. Probably because she was a doctor, there was no question she was too embarrassed to ask. It wasn't the first time she had attempted to find out if Ellie was secretly harboring a crush on Zack.

‘He's a good person to work for,' Ellie said patiently.

‘And don't forget handsome.'

‘Looks aren't everything.'

‘But you don't have a boyfriend.' Geraldine had found out this much. ‘Surely you must find him attractive.'

‘OK, he's nice to look at. But that's all.' Ellie shrugged. ‘Really.'

‘You mean it, don't you? This is so disappointing.' A fresh thought struck Geraldine. ‘Ooh,' she said brightly. ‘Are you a lesbian?'

The question provoked a bittersweet flashback moment; whenever Jamie had been in the mood for sex and she hadn't, his standard jokey riposte had been, ‘How can you not want me? What are you, a lesbian?'

But that had been then. This was now. Ellie smiled slightly and said, ‘No.'

‘Oh,
shame
. My friend's daughter is a lesbian. I could have introduced you.'

‘Sorry.'

‘Zack's so lovely, that's all I'm saying.'

‘I'm sure Louisa thinks so too.'

‘Oh,
her
.' Geraldine's tone was dismissive; she couldn't summon up much enthusiasm for someone who didn't adore Elmo as much as she did. ‘He can do better than that. I was out in the garden last week and I heard her having a panic attack because there were dog hairs on her skirt. You'd have thought it was snake venom, the fuss she was making.' After a moment she added, ‘You're far nicer than Louisa. And prettier.'

‘But I still don't have any designs on Zack,' Ellie pointed out. ‘And he knows I don't. That's why he employed me.'

‘You're absolutely right, darling.' Recognizing when she was beaten, Geraldine closed the shoebox and prepared to leave. ‘Touché.'

***

‘I wish you weren't married,' whispered Roo.

Niall tightened his arm around her waist and pulled her closer. ‘Me too.'

Roo closed her eyes. It was Wednesday afternoon and he'd phoned at midday to say he was on his way over. Thanks to her overactive imagination, she'd managed to convince herself that something momentous had happened, he'd realized he couldn't live without her, he was going to leave Yasmin… or, better still, that Yasmin had decided
she
wanted out of the marriage, because then they wouldn't even have to feel guilty…

But in the manner of happy fantasies, it hadn't come true. When Niall had arrived at the house, Roo had said breathlessly, ‘What's going on?'

And Niall, seizing her by the hand and leading her upstairs to the bedroom, had replied, ‘I've been thinking about doing this all day.'

Which was flattering, of course it was. The fact that he'd so badly wanted to take her to bed was lovely, and romantic in its own way. It was just that it hadn't quite lived up to expectations because she'd misinterpreted the excitement in his voice over the phone and had geared herself up for something, well,
more…

But it had still been nice.

‘Hey, are you OK?'

One thing was for sure, she couldn't tell him what was wrong. It would make her sound pathetic.

‘I'm brilliant.' One of the reasons Niall was so attracted to her was her confidence. Playfully raking her fingernails down his chest, she flicked the tip of her tongue against his mouth. ‘I started writing a song about you last night.'

‘You did?' He looked pleased. ‘How does it go?'

Roo cleared her throat and began to sing: ‘Feeling so real when one and one make two… you should know I'm the best thing that happened to you…' She shook her head. ‘I'm still working on it. You'll have to wait till it's finished.'

Niall kissed her. ‘Sounds amazing. You're incredible.'

‘I know.' A breeze fluttered the pale gray linen curtains and all Roo's good intentions flew out of the open window. ‘When are you going to leave your wife?'

‘Hey.' He tilted her face back towards him, shaking his head slightly. ‘I thought we weren't doing this anymore.'

Patience had never been Roo's forte. ‘I just want us to be together properly.'

‘And we will be. I
love
you,' said Niall. ‘But it's a delicate situation. We can't rush it.'

‘Why not?' It came out as a bleat but Roo couldn't help herself; she loved him too.

‘Because it would go against me. The solicitors would have a field day.' He was checking his watch now, over her shoulder. ‘I need to get back to work.'

‘What's Yasmin like?'

‘I've told you before. Can't we give it a rest?'

Innocently, Roo said, ‘Where does she work?'

‘Sweetheart, stop it. You don't need to know that.'

Except I already do
. A knot tightened in her stomach as he slid away from her and climbed out of bed. ‘She might be lovely.'

‘She's not.'

‘When you get home tonight, what will you do?'

‘Honestly? You really want to know?' Niall began to pull on his trousers. ‘Fine, here goes the routine. I arrive back at the house, see if there's anything to eat. Occasionally she bothers to cook something, generally she doesn't. So I'll make myself an omelet, open some tin or other, or do a microwave meal. Whatever I do, Yasmin will complain about it. Then I'll spend some time with Benjamin and she'll moan about that too. If I try to load the dishwasher, she'll tell me I've done it all wrong. If I sit down to watch a program on TV, you can guarantee she'll want me to get up and take the bins out. Basically, she criticizes me nonstop. And that's about it, that's our fairy-tale marriage in a nutshell.' His shirt was done up now and Niall was shrugging into his jacket. ‘Trust me, my life is no fun.' Ready to leave, he moved back to the bed and bent to kiss her. ‘Except when I'm with you.'

Why couldn't everything be straightforward? Why couldn't he be single? Aching at the unfairness of it all, Roo clung to him for a moment. ‘When am I going to see you again? How about Saturday?'

‘Oh God, I wish I could.' Niall stroked her short ruffled hair. ‘But it's Yasmin's birthday. She's been going on about us having some time away. I don't want to,' he went on, ‘but I can't get out of it.'

She felt sick. ‘You're going on holiday?'

‘Not a holiday. Just a weekend in Norfolk.'

‘In a hotel?'

‘Staying with friends. They've got kids too, so I'll be taking earplugs.' Niall pulled a face. ‘It's going to be a nightmare. But what could I do?'

Roo gazed at him. Half of her felt sorry for him, the other half felt jealous.

Niall had promised her that he and Yasmin no longer slept together, but she had to ask. ‘If it's her birthday, will she want you to have sex with her?'

‘What, change the habit of a lifetime?' He burst out laughing. ‘Not a chance. And if she did, I'd just pretend to fall asleep. But she won't, I can promise you that. Look, you have a good time this weekend. I'm going to get through it the best I can, and I'll call you on Monday. I could come over in the evening. How about that?'

It was only Wednesday. When you were desperate to be with someone every minute of every day, being forced to wait five whole days before seeing them again was purgatory.

But what choice did she have? He was the love of her life and compared with never seeing him again, it was bearable.

And she would be super-cool about it, to make up for the earlier display of neediness. Looking vague, Roo murmured, ‘Monday, Monday… I may have something on…'

‘OK then, it'll have to be next Thursday.'

For crying out loud, that was a whole
week
away. Roo crumpled in an instant and curled her arms around his neck. ‘Make it Monday.' Between kisses she said, ‘I'll cancel whatever it is.'

Niall smiled. ‘Good.'

There had been something different about this evening. The realization had crept up on Ellie gradually; at first she'd thought she was imagining it. But she wasn't.

Well, that was pretty obvious now.

Furthermore, she appeared to be having an out-of-body experience. Todd Howard was kissing her and she was mentally standing back, noting her reaction to the experience with the detachment of an exam steward.

It probably ranked as a medium-strength kiss. Not too wet, not too dry. Not too hard or too soft. It felt completely bizarre, yet you couldn't call it unpleasant. She didn't want to wrench herself free and go
spleeurghhhh
, spluttering in horror and wiping her mouth like a six-year-old caught by a whiskery maiden great aunt.

Actually, that was long enough now. Breaking contact, she drew back and opened her eyes. Todd was already watching her, waiting to gauge her reaction. Had he spent the last few hours gearing himself up for this?

‘Sorry.' He was breathing quite heavily. ‘Are you OK?'

‘Yes.' She still felt like an observer. Easy in each other's company, they'd fallen into the habit of spending time together at the weekends. Today had been no different; shopping on Portobello Road, a couple of drinks in the afternoon, then a walk in Regent's Park followed by a trip to a comedy club in Camden, and a stop-off at a pizza takeaway on the way home. Once back at the flat, they had relaxed on the sofa, washed the slices of quattro stagioni down with white wine, and started watching
Ocean's Eleven
on DVD.

Then halfway through the film, Todd had turned to look at her and said, ‘Ell? I want to kiss you.'

And she'd been so astounded she'd said, ‘Seriously?'

‘Yes.'

‘Oh.' And more out of politeness than anything else, she had heard herself say bemusedly, ‘OK.'

The next moment, Todd's mouth had descended on hers.
And they were kissing
. This was when the split-screen effect had really kicked in. Half of Ellie had been evaluating the pressure, the wetness, the taste of the kiss, the smell of his skin, and the sensation of stubble gently grazing her cheek. The other half had felt like a mannequin in a shop window.

But it was bound to feel weird. It was eighteen months since Jamie had died, eighteen months since her last experience of mouth-to-mouth contact. And this was an unfamiliar mouth.

It was also saying something. Whoops, she'd been so busy assessing how it felt she hadn't been listening. Ellie shook her head. ‘Sorry, I missed that.'

‘I just asked if you're sure you're all right.'

‘I'm all right.' Poor Todd, he was looking so worried. She smiled slightly to reassure him. ‘I'm fine.'

‘You had no idea I was wanting to do that? You weren't expecting it?'

‘No.'

‘But you didn't hate it?'

‘No.'

Todd looked relieved. ‘I've been plucking up the courage.'

‘Oh?' What else could she say?

‘Yes.' He nodded, searching her face for a reaction. ‘I like you, Ellie. It never occurred to me to think about it before, when you and Jamie were together. But these past few weeks… I don't know, something seemed to be happening. I just really like being with you.' His eyes were bright. ‘You're lovely.'

‘Am I?' It was bizarre to hear him say it.

‘Oh yes.' Gaining confidence, he added, ‘Mind you, I can be pretty lovely too, when I put my mind to it.'

Her smile broadened, because that was the kind of banter he and Jamie had engaged in. Before you knew it they'd be off, arguing which of them was the loveliest.

‘Look,' Todd went on, ‘no pressure. I'm going to go now.' The tiniest of pauses gave her the opportunity to tell him he didn't have to leave. When she didn't say it, he stood up. ‘You need time to think this through. The ball's in your court, OK? Give me a call whenever you want. I know it must feel a bit strange. But I reckon we could be good together. We could give it a try, see how we go. If you want.'

She rose to her feet. ‘OK, thanks.' This was weird, like a job interview. Were they supposed to shake hands now?

Todd solved the dilemma by giving her a quick, just-good-friends hug. ‘I'll wait to hear from you.'

She reciprocated with a polite, just-good-friends kiss on the cheek. ‘Right, thanks.' It still felt surreal. She patted his arm. ‘Bye.'

***

‘Well, well, who'd have thought it?'

From the bed, Ellie sat with her knees up and studied Jamie's expression. She needed to know how he felt about what had happened earlier. The good thing was, he didn't look outraged. He seemed completely relaxed.

Then again, she was the one making him look like that.

‘I know. Took me by surprise. I didn't lead him on at all.'

Jamie's blue eyes were sparkling. ‘No need to be so defensive. Leading men on is allowed.'

‘Don't you feel funny about it?' He must do, surely.

‘OK, a bit.' He lounged against the wall and shrugged. ‘But maybe it's better that it's someone I know. I trust him. Todd's not going to break your heart. That has to be a good thing, doesn't it?'

‘I suppose.'

‘Better than you going out and having a drunken one-night stand with some chancer who wouldn't even remember your name the next day.'

‘Damn,' said Ellie. ‘I was looking forward to that happening.'

Jamie grinned. ‘I know you too well.'

‘Anyway, we're not talking about sex.' The prospect of getting naked and actually
doing it
was too bizarre to even contemplate. ‘That's not going to happen.'

‘Right. Take things slowly.' He nodded in agreement. ‘A few kisses and a bit of hand holding, that's enough to be going on with for now. See how you feel.'

‘I already know how I feel. I feel
weird
.'

‘It's been eighteen months.'

‘Oh, has it really?' Mock amazement. ‘That long already? I hadn't noticed.'

‘One thing. Is he a good kisser?'

‘He's OK.'

‘Better than me?'

Ellie pretended to consider the question. ‘Hm, I'll have to think about that.'

‘He'd better not be better than me,' said Jamie. ‘At kissing or holding hands.'

She looked at his long, tanned fingers, remembering how they'd felt and how well they'd fitted together with hers. She'd give anything to be able to hold his hand again. Oh great, here come the tears, was this ever going to stop happening?

‘Don't cry,' said Jamie.

‘I know.' She pulled a tissue from the box on the table next to the bed.

‘Does this mean he
is
better?'

He was looking horrified, trying to make her laugh. Ellie smiled and wiped her eyes. ‘Don't panic. You're still the best.'

‘Thank goodness for that.' He relaxed and pushed his hands into the back pockets of his favorite low-slung jeans. ‘But just so you know, I'm fine about Todd. You could do a lot worse.'