To See You Again (33 page)

He freezes when I say this, and I feel him
examining me. I know the inquiry, without hearing the question. Am I talking
about us? I ponder it, too. Am I?
Although I was the one who didn't give
it a chance. Not him.

A moment passes and then he shrugs. "Maybe. I
don't know. It's tough to answer that now. I was not in the right place to be
in any sort of relationship then, anyway." He looks at me earnestly and I think
about what he isn't saying more than what he has.

"Anyway, I want you to know…" He pauses again and
I feel my heart inexplicably begin to pound. "I never coerced any woman to do
anything beyond what she wanted or was comfortable doing. I wasn't—I would
never..."

I see him struggling and I interject. "I know, Collin.
I never thought you did." I reach my hand across the table, nearly touching
his. He glances at it and I quickly retract it to my lap.  "Geez, if anything,
I remember girls being aggressive with you." He shrugs me off, but I know he knows
what I mean.

I'm blown away by his bravery to discuss everything
so openly. Here I am calling him on the carpet for crap that happened a
lifetime ago and he's rising to every question, or near accusation. That's when
it hits me. There are two kinds of growing up. There are jobs, and tax bills
and all the junk you have to do to be independent in this world, but then
there's the real stuff. The soul searching, gut wrenching introspection that
makes you really look at what you're doing and why. If you're bold enough and
brave enough you can take the seeds from what you've learned—those tiny pieces
of yourself you want to be better, and then make it that way. That's when you
bloom. Collin's there, and he has been, for a while.

*** *** ***

We're on our walk back and he clutches his
stomach. "Ugh. I don't know if I can make it, Rachel. You may have to carry
me."

I giggle and nudge him with my elbow. "I can't
believe you ate those last rolls."

"Well, someone had to take one for the team. I
knew it wasn't going to be you, little miss ‘challenge accepted'!" he air
quotes. "You ate like a bird!"

"What?" I shout. This time I shove him. "I ate
plenty and I'll have you know that birds actually eat a lot." He smirks at me
and I grin back at him.

We stop at the intersection, waiting to cross, and
I look up at him. He reaches down and gently moves a strand of hair that the
wind has blown in my face, behind my ear. His hand lingers, just barely grazing
my chin. I want to touch him back, reciprocate somehow, but the signal changes
and all the pedestrians around us start charging across the street, so we do
too.

Today he turns right, crossing with me en route to
my workplace. We're both quiet on the way there, and I consider the fleeting
moment we just shared. He must've felt something, too. When we arrive he walks
me into the lobby, and I can't help wondering what the heck is going on. This
is a first. It's obvious something is on his mind, but before I can inquire he
says, "Would it be Collin overload to see me twice in one day?"

I grin at him. "I don't think so."

"Good. Can I pick you up at seven tonight, then?"

"Um, OK. What are we going to do?"

He shrugs and looks around at everything but me.
"Just hang out, maybe get something to eat when our stomachs resume normalcy?"

"That'll work," I say cheerily, while trying and
failing, to control the butterflies in my stomach. I'm looking up at him, searching
his face for clues as to what he might be thinking, when his expression
suddenly darkens. He's staring over my head and behind me. I turn around to see
Leighton and Meredith entering the lobby, and they've definitely already
noticed us.

"Leighton!" I exclaim, as she approaches. "What
are you doing here?" I glance at Meredith who is openly glaring at me. She's
obviously over any of her former obsequious feelings toward me. Leighton's
expression appears more pained than anything else. I can't help but notice even
when clearly upset, Leighton is beautiful. She's wearing a skin-tight lavender
dress that shows off all of her tiny, yet perfect, curves. Her boots are light
brown with significant heels, but I've still got quite a bit of height on her,
and Collin towers over all of us.

She answers me while staring up at Collin.
"Meredith and I became friends through my cousin Marissa, who works in your
office." She says her name slowly, Mar-Riss-Ah, emphasizing every syllable,
like the pronunciation is meant to bring me pain. I still haven't figured out
what the hell she's doing here. Did she follow us? All I know for sure is she
is pissed! "Surely you know her, Rachel—you walk past her desk every day to
have lunch with all of your boyfriends."

 
Whoa! Did she really just say that?

"Leighton!" Collins says, in a chiding tone that
I've never heard him use before.

"I guess I just delivered her right into your
arms, didn't I?" Her lower lip quivers slightly, but otherwise little Leighton
appears to be in full-on anger mode.

Collin opens his mouth to respond, but I take a step
toward her, and cut him off saying, "It isn't like that at all, Leighton. We
are
just
friends. It was a lunch."

In response, Leighton barely glances in my
direction; instead, she takes several steps closer to Collin and begins to
raise her voice. "You could've talked to me, Collin! You didn't even call me
when your mom died. Why? I cared about her, too! Maybe I wanted to say goodbye,
did you even think of that?" Her lower lip trembles and I look up to see
Collin's face shift from indignant to pained almost instantly.  

The intimacy between them is overwhelming and
suddenly I feel like the interloper in a very personal moment. I back away and
mumble that I need to get back to work. Now that I know Marissa's connection
with Leighton, I feel like my coming and goings will be met with even more
scrutiny. My name is practically engraved on the office shit list.

Leighton is continuing to lay into Collin as I
sprint toward the elevator. At the last second, Meredith slips through the
closing doors. I press the button for our floor and glance at her. Now that
we're alone she's looking considerably less tough.

"So, what did you think about Jeremy's
presentation yesterday?" she asks nervously.

I turn toward her and roll my eyes. "Really?"

A mix of shock and fear sweeps across her face,
and she turns at least two shades pinker. We're both silent the rest of the way
up.

*** *** ***

About an hour later Collin texts me:

Collin: Way to leave me hanging.

Me: It looked like you could take her. LOL

Collin: Glad you find my life amusing.

Me: Maybe when I saw her I was just picturing the
flock of women from college who would've loved to have joined in on that attack.

Collin: Ouch! burn!

Collin: I must take issue with your use of the
word flock.

Me: You would

Collin: For the record there hasn't been a flock
in a LONG time!

Me: According to Leighton I'm the one with the
flock now, of boyfriends, that is…

Collin: She felt bad about that. She's just hurt.
I was a jackass. I guess THAT hasn't changed

Me: You said it, not me. ;)

Me: Better get back to work

Collin: Still on for tonight?

Me: See you at 7

Collin: Cool

*** *** ***

"What are you gonna wear?"

"Don't start, Vanessa."

"Start with what? You need to think about these
things. This is the first time he's, you know,
coming over
," she says in
a mock sexy voice.

"It isn't like that!" I look over my shoulder
trying to see if this dummy in the SUV will let me change lanes.

"What
is
it like? What are you two doing,
anyway?" Vanessa demands, her voice bellowing through my car speakers.

"I don't know, Vanessa. He used the words ‘hanging
out'.  I'm pretty sure in most circles that's considered code for just friends."
I think about the hair thing at lunch and wonder if maybe he did mean more, or
am I just reading into things? It's hard to say. He hasn't commented further on
my break up and neither one of us have talked about the kiss we shared. It
seems like we were going the route of ‘that never happened'.

"Oh, come on, you two. One of you has to make a
move!"

"Ease up, Nessa. I can't handle the pressure! Besides,
you should've seen him and Leighton. If that wasn't a visual presentation of
unfinished business, I don't know what is."

"Visual presentation?" Vanessa mocks. "Um, how
about we leave work at work? You need to take a deep breath and realize this
man is making his way back into your world and you need to figure it out, like,
pronto."

"Vanessa, if pounding my head on my steering wheel
wouldn't get me killed right now, that's exactly what I'd be doing. That's how
close I am to figuring any of this out."

She belly laughs and then eventually I start
laughing too. "OK, new topic, but be warned I can hear Maddie giving Ryan a
hard time in the next room. Our time is limited. Tell me about Beck coming to
get his things."

Her question conjures Beck's expression when I
answered the door on Sunday, and I groan aloud at the memory.

*** *** ***

"Hey, Beck." I said, gazing up at him when I answered
his knock. He was leaning against the doorframe, looking casual. His laid back
mood caught me off guard. I'm not sure what I was expecting. Our breakup was
the only time I'd ever seen him cry. I guess I thought he'd look sadder or
angry even? He handed me a plastic bag filled with the toiletries and a stack
of folded clothes.

"Thanks," I mumbled.

When I let him in I noticed he was wearing a shirt
I gave him for his birthday and wondered selfishly if that'd been on purpose.  We
stared at each other for a few beats before Beckett broke the silence.

"So…this is awkward."

I let out an uncomfortable laugh that sounded
forced. "Definitely."

Unsure of what else to say, I hurried into my
living room and he followed hesitantly, as though he thought perhaps he needed
an invitation. I stopped short by my coffee table and gestured to three large
cardboard boxes.

"I…um…packaged everything up for you."

He glanced down at them and then back at me,
placing his hand on the back of his neck the same way he does when he's stuck
during a project or a problem that needs solving.

"This seems like a lot," he assessed.

"Well…um…you're free to look through it all if it
doesn't seem right, and of course, let me know if I forgot something." I sat
down and fixed my eyes on the boxes. It was too hard to keep looking at him.

He leaned forward and tentatively opened a box
using just his index finger to move the flaps. "The satellite radio, Rachel? I
don't need to take that."

I decided he didn't need to know I'd put the
equipment for the radio in and out of the box four times before arriving at the
decision to give it to him. "You pay the bill, Beckett." He shrugged. "Just
take it. Cancel the subscription if you want, but just…take it. Please."

He folded the flap back over the box. "So, is the
rest of this stuff like the radio?"

I raised my eyebrows at him. "What do you—?"

"You know, things we bought together, stuff that
was
ours
."

"Well, I packed up your shower stuff," I said
weakly.

"Besides that, Rachel." He crossed his arms and
his eyes blazed.

"I'm sorry," I whispered, feeling tears begin to
sting my eyes.

Beck sat down next to me, leaving a comfortable
distance between us, and neither of us spoke for a minute.

"Brandon asked me if I'd really thought you were gonna
say yes." How like his brother to say something thoughtless like that! I knew I
should've defended Beck, or maybe even myself, but I felt paralyzed. What could
I have possibly said that wouldn't have just added insult to injury? He let out
a ragged sounding laugh. "Why is it everyone could see it but me?"

I reached out and grabbed his hand. "Beckett, you're
a wonderful man. I feel like a total fool saying this, but we're just not right
for each other. I'm sorry I didn't want to see it sooner—or say it—once I
realized. It was wrong of me to be dishonest with you."

"It was wrong," he answered resolutely, releasing
my hand. "I'm a fool too, though. I want to be angry with you, but I'm just
not
.
It doesn't feel real, I guess…I miss you." He laughed humorlessly. "Do you know
how many times this week I almost texted you? I was at the grocery store and I
almost called to ask you if you were out of that nasty almond milk you insist
on drinking."

I felt a smile break through on my face. It was such
a relief to have him tease me. He always had a bizarre thing against almond
milk and insisted it was fake.