To Say I Love You (26 page)

I froze.

This was no deterrent. Ben continued to kiss me gently, seemingly uncaring that I wasn’t responding to his advances. In a detached way, I decided he was a nice kisser. But of course, I already knew that.

“I can’t do this,” I said, pulling back sharply, pushing him away.

“Hm?”

“I’m sorry.” What was I apologizing for? “I can’t do this to Will.”

“Will’s in Atlanta. Come on, Jesse,” he said, his voice hard, annoyed. “You know what’s going on here.”

“What’s going on here?” I echoed.

“You told me yourself Will is the first guy you were with. You’re conditioned to think you’ll stay with him forever, even when the reality is there’s someone better out there for you.”

“I don’t think so.”

“No? We’re the same sort of person. We’re both Southerners. We grew up in this homophobic armpit of the country. I know what you went through—I was there too. We’re not like Will. There was no middle-class acceptance in my house.”

“My dad doesn’t care,” I said. “That’s not the point, though. Will’s my partner. I love him.”

“Yeah? Why are you here, then?”

“You’re right. I should go. I’m sorry, Ben. I didn’t mean to lead you on, if that’s what I’ve been doing. I should go.”

I’d said that already, and the look on his face only convinced me to do it quicker. I forced myself not to run away from him and hopped into my dad’s car, which was parked a few spaces over. I was out of the lot and on the highway before I noticed I hadn’t even put my seat belt on.

Because my heart was pounding so hard, I pulled over to the side of the road and leaned back in the seat. There was a bottle of water next to me, and I drained it quickly and took some deep breaths, trying to calm down. Then I buckled up and drove the rest of the way home.

As I drove down our road, I noticed Will’s car was already parked outside the house. He must have left work early. I shook my head, feeling like the worst person in the world.

It didn’t take long to drop the car at my dad’s and walk back up the street. Will was wearing boxers and a tank top, sitting on the sofa with the TV on.

“Hi,” he said as I let myself in, looking up over his shoulder and grinning at me.

“Hi. You’re home early.”

“Mm. They released me sooner than I expected. Were you with Ben?”

It felt like an accusation, a punch to my stomach. “Yeah.”

“Jesse?” Will frowned. “You okay?”

I knew all along I was going to tell him about it. I could have hidden it, pretended nothing had happened, that Ben and I had just grown apart. He’d know, though, in that all-sensing way he had about him.

“Not really,” I said and sat on the side chair rather than the couch next to him. Will quickly shifted round to face me.

“Did something happen with Ben?”

“You could say that.” I forced myself to look up at him. I couldn’t hide. I wasn’t a coward. “He kissed me.”

“Oh.”

Silence.

“I’m sorry, Will.”

“Did he hurt you?”

I shook my head. “No. I just left.”

Will looked away, and I could almost see the pressure building inside him until it broke loose.

“Fucking
hell
!” he yelled. “This is bullshit.”

“Will, I—”

“No,” he said, interrupting. “No. You don’t get to speak right now.”

For a terrifying minute, I wondered if this was the beginning of the end. If one of us had finally done something totally unforgiveable. Then he came over and crouched in front of me, bracing his arms on the chair either side of my legs.

“Did you want him to kiss you?” he asked.

“No.”

“Good. He’s not having you, Jesse. I would go to the ends of the Earth to keep you safe and mine. If he thinks he can take you that easily, he’s got it very, very wrong.”

“He can’t take me. I don’t want to go.”

He nodded. “Good.”

“Are you mad at me?”

I hated myself for asking, but his reactions weren’t exactly what I’d been expecting.

Will nodded tightly. “Yeah. A bit.”

“I probably deserve that.”

“I’m a lot madder at him, though. He knows we’re together. He’s been trying to get this for weeks, and I let him… I should have….”

I slid from the chair to the floor and tentatively took his arms, wrapping them around my neck. I pulled him close to my chest and hung on.

“I just wanted a friend,” I whispered, the confession feeling hollow and painful and ridiculously childish at the same time.

“I know,” he said. “That’s why I didn’t try and stop you seeing him. Even though I knew he wanted you.”

“Then why didn’t you say something?” I asked.

Will shook his head. “I’m not going to be the asshole who gets between you and your friends.”

“I’m sorry,” I said again, the unavoidable truth that I had done something wrong coloring my thoughts.

“Don’t be. Don’t apologize anymore.”

I nodded and took deep breaths, calming us both down while his fingers played with my hair. I wasn’t sure what happened next.

Will surprised me, though, as he so often did.

“Kiss me like he kissed you,” he said.

“What? Really?”

“Yeah. I want to know.”

It was a weird request, but if he needed that… well. There wasn’t much I wouldn’t do for him.

I leaned forward and pressed my lips to his, held them there for two seconds, not moving, then sat back again. I didn’t even close my eyes.

Will blinked. “Was that it?”

“Yeah.” I nodded.

He gave me an odd sort of smile. This time, he leaned into me, caught my jaw between his palms, and kissed me back. When he kissed me, I didn’t care about throat infections and antibiotics and arguments. We both needed this.

I knew this kiss. It was his “I own you” kiss. Most of the time he used it when we were playing together, and I was tied up, unable to move, unable to protest or do anything other than kiss him back. It was also his “I love you” kiss. Will never said those words in a session. He’d told me once he didn’t want me to think his love for me was conditional on my submission—the two things were interlocked, but separate.

This was not a two-second lips-closed kiss in a parking lot. It was my partner showing me everything he felt.

For long minutes, we stayed like that, kneeling on the floor while we explored each other’s skin with roaming hands, tugging at clothes while our mouths did all the work of exchanging words and love and adoration.

Will broke away first, his breathing a little rough.

“That,” he said, “is how you should be kissed.”

I couldn’t agree more.

T
HINGS
CHANGED
after The Kiss. I was suddenly more insecure, more nervous than I’d been in a long time. Will was furious, not that he told me this, but I could tell. He wouldn’t let me know, wouldn’t tell me outright how much it had upset him. I had learned a while ago that I needed to interpret that sort of thing.

We tiptoed around each other for a few days, glossing over the things that hurt while we both threw ourselves at our jobs.

“What are you working on?” Will asked, sitting next to me on the couch. I automatically minimized the desktop windows I had open.

“Just some stuff,” I said.

It was more work for Serena. She’d given me a huge pile of spreadsheets to organize, which was normally one of my favorite tasks, but they were in one hell of a mess. I was partly frustrated, partly loving the challenge of untangling and fixing it all.

Will gave a tiny, annoyed huff. “Is it work for the museum?”

“Yeah… just a few documents.” I closed the laptop and turned to face him, plastering a smile on my face. “You want to go do something?”

“No. I didn’t mean to interrupt you.” He stalked off to the kitchen. After a moment, I followed him.

He was in the process of making a pitcher of iced tea.

“I’m working on some spreadsheets for Serena,” I said, leaning against the wall. “It’s nothing.”

“I’m not annoyed because you’re doing work. I’m annoyed because you seem so intent on hiding it from me.”

“That’s not what I’m doing.”

“No? It certainly fucking feels that way.”

“My job is important to me. Sometimes I just want to get on with it and forget….”

“Forget me?”

“No!”

Will shoved the pitcher of tea into the fridge and slammed the door shut. “I’m trying, Jess, so help me. All I want is for you to involve me a tiny bit in what’s going on with you. It’s not like I’m going to stop you from doing your job.” He gave me a hard stare. “Is that what you think I’ll do?”

“Of course it isn’t. I suppose….” I tried to figure out exactly what was going on. There really wasn’t any reason to keep this from him. I knew I was being stupid. “I need something that’s mine. I need that autonomy….”

“Don’t you have that now?”

“Not really, Will. I’m not the main earner in this house, and I won’t ever be while I do this job. I like having my own job, being independent.”

I saw when it clicked for him. “Is this about money?”

Sort of, it was. I didn’t like the venom in his tone, though, so I said, “No.”

“It fucking is, isn’t it? Jesus.” He stalked past me into the living room, heading for his office. I caught his wrist.

“All right, so where will we be, Will, if something happens to one of us? I don’t want to think about it either, and I know I’m being fucking morbid, so forgive me for that, please. I’m terrified of being without you.” That confession hurt. I couldn’t bear to say this stuff most of the time. “It haunts my fucking nightmares to think there might be a day when I have to do what my dad is doing and wake up every morning without the person I dedicated my life to.”

“You think I don’t feel that way too?” he yelled, throwing his hands in the air. “You think it’s any different for me?”

“No! But it
is
different for you. Your life outside of me is different.”

“Don’t,” he said in a warning tone. “Don’t go there, Jesse.”

“I’m sorry,” I said, feeling totally, utterly helpless. “I don’t want to have to think it. But you don’t have to worry about being
homeless
if we split up. You’ll be okay. You have your family around you in Seattle. You’re a wonderful man, Will. You don’t ask for anything from me you know I can’t afford. I’ll never make the money you make, though, and….”

“Why do you think I bought this place?” he demanded. “Your name is on the fucking deed, Jess. Not mine.”

“
What?
”

“It’s your house. Your house, near your family. This—all of this—is for you.”

“What…. Why would you do that?”

“So you don’t have to worry! I will never, ever stop loving you, but if you change your mind and want to leave, you have somewhere to go. You’re not trapped by me anymore, Jesse. This is your plan B.”

“I don’t need a plan B. There is no plan B in my life.”

He shrugged. “I don’t want this to come between us. I never had any intention of telling you unless it actually came down to the line. Even if one day things all fall apart….”

“They won’t,” I said.

“No. They won’t. Because I won’t ever stop fighting for you.”

That made me wobble. “This is stupid. We’re fighting over something that will never happen.”

“It doesn’t make your fears any less real, though. Yeah, I earn more than you. That’s why I have trusts drawn up in your name. That’s why I have a will that clearly states that everything I have goes to you first if anything happens to me, then my sisters. The fucking government in this country won’t protect us even if we do get married, not financially anyway. I’ve got you covered, Jesse. I promise.”

“You don’t need to… to provide for me. I can stand on my own.”

“You can, but you don’t have to. That’s the whole point—we’re fine on our own. We don’t
need
anyone else. I can live without you, Jesse, but I really don’t want to.”

Will turned away from me and pushed the heels of his hands into his eyes. That broke me.

“Marry me,” I whispered. Familiar words now. “Marry me, Will.”

“How many more times are we going to ask each other?” he said, with still-damp eyes.

“How about this is the last time? No more asking. Let’s just do it.”

My throat was sore from yelling and thick with emotion; I wasn’t ready for this, any of this, not ready to expose myself so fully to my fears and be brought back again by the man I loved.

Will grabbed hold of my hands, stepping close to me. We really were almost exactly the same height. He had maybe an inch on me, tops.

Not when he knelt down, though, still holding onto my hands and looking up.

“Jesse Ross, would you do me the incredible honor of being my husband?”

“You always have to have the last word, don’t you?”

That made him laugh and press his forehead to our joined hands.

“Yes,” I said. “Always yes. And I don’t think I’ve ever seen you from this angle before. It looks good on you.”

He pulled me to the floor then, and I held on to him, wanting to spill apologies but knowing they weren’t needed and would only fan the embers of a dying argument. Will’s arms around me were the solid anchor that held my life together, even when it felt like everything was falling apart. I could rage and scream and yell at him, but this wouldn’t ever change. I belonged to him and, however much it terrified me, he belonged to me right back.