To Rise Again at a Decent Hour (26 page)

The music transitioned from hard rap to solo Sting. Chest claps issued from the mic. I approached the tattooed one. She was sitting half naked at an empty table, her face lit from below by the white light of her me-machine. I introduced myself. “Steve,” I said. “Narcy,” she said. We shook hands. A few minutes later, when she was through with her texting, she arrived at my table to give me a lap dance. She had Bettie Page bangs and a belly ring. Across her spine on her lower back was a tattoo of a chess piece, a bishop in black ink. As the dance progressed, she acquired a rigid look of concentration. It gave the impression that she would be just as surprised as anyone else by whatever move her body made next. “Where are you from, Narcy?” I asked her, and she began to sing.
In the pines, in the pines, where the sun don’t ever shine.
She reared back and flashed me her tits. They were ringed underneath by a Celtic design. I think she was relieved when enough time had passed that she could begin undressing in good conscience. She took off her top and began to treat her breasts roughly. I didn’t know how that could be pleasurable. I almost asked her to stop. “So you’re from the pines,” I said. She pressed her chest into my
nose and put my hands on her ass, then pulled her body away in an awkward slink. Watching her strip was like receiving an inexpert massage from a blind lady. “But where are you from really?” I asked. “I mean your family. What are your family origins?” She stopped dancing. “Do you want the dance or don’t you?” she asked. I nodded. She turned around and gave me a shake of her ass while her split ends swept the concrete floor.

I spent the rest of the night splitting my attention between the girls onstage and the regulars arrayed around it. They were muttlike men minding their treasures of single-dollar bills, awash in purple light and heading toward midnight without purpose or prayer. They were generic remnants of a gene pool drifting out with the tide, leaving them naked and lost beneath the moon’s blank guidance. And I was sitting beside them feeling sorry for myself, still cringing inwardly at having called Stuart “Uncle.”

My cell rang at 3:00 that morning—10:00 a.m. Tel Aviv time. It was Grant Arthur.

The next morning I leaned against the front desk and started telling Connie about the headline I’d seen the day before.

“If I had been more like Harper,” I began.

“Sorry,” she said. “More like who?”

“Harper,” I said.

“Who’s Harper?”

“Of Harper and Bryn.”

“Who’s Bryn?”

“You don’t know Bryn? Bryn from
Bryn
?”

She looked at me like I was trying to talk through a stroke. “I have
no
idea who you’re talking about,” she said.

“Harper was gay for a while? Bryn was the porn star who found God? The ‘Porn-Again’? None of this rings a bell?”

“It’s like you live in a parallel universe,” she said.

“I’ll go show you the magazine,” I said. “But let’s say I had been more like Harper, you know… more family oriented.”

“Harper’s a family man?”

“Huge family man. They’re huge family people. And we’re not talking model citizens here. You don’t expect them to give a damn about family. You really don’t know Harper and Bryn?”

“I really don’t know Harper and Bryn,” she said.

“Well, it doesn’t matter for the purposes of this discussion. When I saw how much family meant to those two, and read about it in the cover story?—”

“You don’t believe what you read in those magazines, do you?”

“Of course not.”

“Because it sort of sounds like you do.”

“Can I make my point, please?”

“Make your point.”

“If I had been more willing to have kids,” I said, “do you think it might have worked out between us?”

“Wait, what?”

“If I had been more willing—”

“But what does it matter?” she said. “You didn’t want them. And you weren’t going to change your mind. Why ask hypothetical questions about something predetermined? I mean, you wouldn’t even talk about it. So to ask now if it would have made a difference when it was never really an option is like asking… like asking if things would have worked out if you were someone entirely different. The answer is yes. If you were someone entirely different, and that someone had been willing to have kids with me, you bet, there might have been a chance that things between you and me would have worked out.”

I walked away. Then I came back.

“That’s who Ben is,” she continued unabated from where she left off. “He’s like you, except an entirely different person. He’s at least hypothetically willing to have kids. He’s at least willing to talk about it. So there’s your answer. Your answer’s yes, and his name’s Ben.”

“You expect me to believe that you didn’t tell your uncle about those tweets?”

“I didn’t,” she said. “Paul, I didn’t.”

“I specifically asked you not to tell Stuart,” I said. “I thought he might have come in for a checkup, but no. He’d come because somebody told him I was a huge anti-Semite on Twitter.”

“I told him no such thing,” she said. “Do you want to know what I told him? I told him that someone was taking advantage of you. That’s all I told him.”

“Who gave him the name Grant Arthur?”

“Well, me, obviously. But that’s because somebody
is
taking advantage of you, Paul. And for some reason, all of your fury, all that outrage you had when this first started, has just, like, disappeared, and you spend all your time emailing, you can’t concentrate at the chair, I bet you’re not even paying attention to the Red Sox. Can you tell me their standing right now?”

I was quiet.

“Win-loss record?”

I was quiet.

“So that’s why I told him the name. I overheard Frushtick say it, so I passed it on to Stuart, who found out about all this shit not because he’s related to me, hard as that is to believe, but because there are people who pay attention when crazy people say incendiary things on the Internet about Jews. And in this particular instance, that crazy person happens to look a lot like you.”

I bent down to be level with her chair. “I know all about Grant
Arthur,” I said. “I know more than your uncle. I know why he moved to Los Angeles. I know who he fell in love with there and why he tried to convert to Judaism. And I know that when he got his heart broken, he did some stupid things that got him in a little trouble with the police.”

“How do you know this?”

“He was lost. He didn’t know who he was. He’s not a criminal. He’s just a sap who fell in love with the wrong girl. I can relate to a guy like that.”

I walked away. Then I came back.

“And just so you know,” I said. “I’m also dating someone new. Her name is Narcy. She’s a dancer.”

I went back to work. Then I went out to the waiting room where I looked for the magazine with Harper and Bryn on the cover so I could show it to Connie. But somebody must have stolen it. It sucks being a dentist. People are always stealing your magazines.

Mercer had just finished telling me what his time at Seir was like and of his plans to return. We were sitting in a quiet bar, no TV screen in the corner, our me-machines stowed away, nothing before us but the booze and the bartender and a distant tune on the jukebox. Everyone spoke in the same low key as a little ice in a glass. I told him that I’d gotten a call from Grant Arthur. I asked him if he knew about his thwarted love for the rabbi’s daughter.

“Mirav Mendelsohn,” he said. “Sure, I know. It’s the first thing he tells you about himself.”

“Sounds like he was really in love.”

“He didn’t know himself back then. He didn’t know a thing about his past, his family.”

“Have you ever been in love like that?” I asked him.

“You mean, with someone ill suited for me?”

“Someone you chose unwisely, because you were searching for something more than, you know, just a girlfriend.”

“Have you?”

I told him about Sam and the Santacroces and Connie and the Plotzes.

“They claim it’s a common thing,” he said. “Maybe it is. What the hell do I know? Sure, I was in love like that once.”

He had been new to the city, virtually penniless, without friends, when he found himself one day at a storefront fire temple in Queens.

“A fire temple?”

“It’s Zoroastrian,” he said. “Are you familiar with the Zoroastrians?”

“No more than the rest of us,” I said.

He’d gone there after reading up on the world’s religions and finding that Zoroastrianism held some primal appeal. According to the Zoroastrians, there was light, and there was darkness, and the light and the darkness did battle. At least that was his crude understanding at the time. He hung around the place talking to the head priest, a man named Cyrus Mazda, who tended to a fire they kept burning in a pit. He liked Mazda’s mustache, the two halves of which repelled each other as if by the work of magnets. Before long, Mercer caught sight of a girl who belonged to the congregation, and he fell head over heels. The girl was a second-generation Americanized Iranian who rebelled against her parents in big ways and small. She and Mercer snuck around, made out on the subways. They connived and hatched plans. Then reality set in. Conservative Zoroastrians didn’t go for mixed marriages. Marriage was arranged, new world or not. Mercer’s love was married off by the time he was twenty, and he took his wrecked heart and ruined spirit to the markets. His goal was to return to the fire
temple as a millionaire and make a donation, to make them rue what they had spurned. Attrition wasn’t the only Zoroastrian woe: they had no money for outreach, education, expansion out of Queens.

“Did you do it?” I asked.

“Not after a million,” he said. “I was too busy by then, and my heart was healed. Calloused, maybe, poor me. But when I had, oh, a hundred, I bought them a temple in New Jersey. But anonymously.”

“You took your revenge out anonymously?”

“I had nothing to prove by then, and no desire to take credit. And like I said, it wasn’t the girl I fell in love with first. It was the light defeating the darkness. It was the man with the mustache in the white robe and gold sash who kept the fire alive. And Dari,” he said. “I loved to hear Dari spoken.”

He motioned to the bartender. We watched the mute man pull a bottle from the shelf, pour out our little gemstones, and retreat back to his me-machine.

“So I take it you weren’t a Christian,” I said.

“Born and raised,” he said.

At the age of thirteen he had been baptized and confirmed in the name of Jesus Christ and given a Bible with his name on it. There was never an imperative or moral duty to read it, so it was put away and never opened. Jesus Christ was a birthright and a friend. He personally looked out for Mercer. When Mercer was scared, He hovered nearby, protecting him. When Mercer did something bad, He looked down upon him in shame and heartache. When Mercer sought forgiveness, He granted it. To maintain this love, only one thing was required of Mercer: faith. No sacrifice, no ritual, no way of life counted more than that simple statement of his heart’s intent, and upon him was conferred all of God’s grace. It didn’t matter that he didn’t really know his own
heart and wouldn’t know it for years. With a declaration of faith came absolution on earth, heaven when he died, and presents on Christmas Day.

“I have some fond memories of church,” he said. “People who were nice to us. And I remember trying to pray after my mother died. I brought my hands together, I bowed my head. But then I thought, Let’s just say it is Jesus Christ up there. He’s not likely to be a fucking idiot, is He? He knows. He knows all right. So do the both of you a favor and get the hell off your knees.”

The door opened, and a loud group entered. They got drinks and retreated to the pool room, and for the rest of our conversation we heard billiard balls clinking in discreet silence, sometimes followed by roars and moans.

“To be honest,” he said, “I’ve tried just about all of them.”

“All what?”

“Religions.”

This included a long time devoted to Zen Buddhism, with annual retreats to Kyoto to study with a master who fought as a foot soldier in World War II. Mercer, who steadily grew his fortune over three decades, yearly submitted himself to a complete divestiture for ten days and did nothing but meditate on tatami mats and beg in the streets for alms. He was seeking, he said, always seeking, seeking so strenuously as to guarantee he’d never find. “Twelve years I went back and forth to Kyoto. It helped me see the bigger picture, but it left me cold in the end. You know what I think of Buddhism? It has good answers to all the wrong questions.”

He looked into Jainism, into anthroposophy, into Krishnamurti. He liked Judaism. He admired the Koran. He chuckled through Dianetics. He had no respect for what he called the Churches of Welcoming All: Unitarian, Baha’i, the rest of humanity’s tender
mercies. He required something that looked evil in the eye, that understood the meaning of mercy to be justice commuted by grace, and that contended with the fact that death was nothing he was going to adjust to, make amends with, or overcome.

“I’m exempt from the worst of it,” he said. “I’ll never know suffering. I’ll never again know discomfort, if I so choose. But I die in the end. I still die, and maybe fucking horribly. And who knows what after.”

In the meantime, nothing sufficed, nothing was equal to the question, Why am I here?

“I wish I could have been a Christian,” he said. “I’d have had someone to the left of me and someone to the right always ready with an answer, whatever the problem, amens and potlucks, little talks with Jesus, and peace for life everlasting.”

He gestured to the bartender, who poured him another.

“The most interesting thing I’ve done was a five-day… what was it called,” he asked himself. “It was a deprogramming, but they never used that word.”

“A deprogramming?”

“At a certain point, I just said fuck it, you know? I’m hounded day and night, the seeker has become the sought, I’m wasting my life worrying about this crap. So I wanted to get rid of what I’d always called the Jesus Christ in my head. I mean God, God’s voice, but because I was raised a Christian, it was Jesus. Jesus judging, Jesus protecting, Jesus saying, ‘You might want to rethink that.’ Whatever the case may be. Big or small. Jesus was always there. Making little marks. Tallying it all up. Do you have that voice, always telling you right from wrong?”