To Probe A Beating Heart (3 page)

             
And a voice repeated,
“Damn it.”

             
Again, nobody else was in the room and Averell was confused. He did not understand who was repeating his words and that disturbed him. He didn’t know that the voice was coming from within himself. It might be said that the voice was his mechanism for dealing with his confinement, or the unreasonable punishments he had to deal with by himself.

             
The occurrence of an auditory hallucination is experienced by something in the neighborhood of fifteen percent of the population at some time during their lives and experiencing an occasional voice repeating single words or simple phrases is not that alarming. Continuation of these episodes beyond the occasional simple utterance becomes concerning and the development of a psychotic condition that could negatively affect an individual’s ability to cope in the modern world increases in probability.

             
Allen was gone for six days rather than the normal four. On day five, Ellie found a babysitter, Charlotte, and went out to meet friends at a local restaurant and bar. Dinner and conversation had a very relaxing effect on her and when her friends started heading home, she ordered another drink. Finally the last of her initial dinner gathering, Ellie said to the bartender “One more time, and be generous.”

             
Charlotte was fourteen and acted more like eighteen. She was tall and slim with large seductive eyes and a body that would soon attract

the attention of boys her own age and older, much older. She fell asleep around 2:00 am and Ellie woke her at 8:00am when she came in.

              “Sorry for the late return,” said Ellie, “I got into a conversation with the bartender that lasted until about 3:00 am and they tell me that I fell asleep in mid sentence.”

             
“No problem,” said Charlotte “I had a completely open book last night, and now you owe me for another five hours.” They both laughed and Ellie paid her and gave her an extra ten. “You must have had a VERY good night” said Charlotte.

             
“Yeah, I should do this more often” and she giggled.

             
“Oh you naughty — I know nothing, as far as I know, you were home before midnight, and I fell asleep on your couch.” Ellie pulled out another ten and Charlotte said “Keep it, you will need it for your next night out, Miss Devil.” Again they both laughed.

             
Charlotte left and Ellie went to her room, undressed and stood in the shower for a few minutes, then laid down on the bed and caught a quick nap. Averell was in his room leafing through a book. His door was open, as was Ellie’s and he could hear her in the shower cursing as she washed herself off. He could only make out a few words, the ones that got him in trouble when he used them. He gently closed the door to his room and squatted in his corner.

             
Allen’s flight touched down at 4:12 that afternoon and he caught a cab home. When he opened the front door a little past 6:00 pm, Allen was faced with a stern and disapproving look. No make-up session, Ellie seemed to be beyond reasoning. Allen said he was very tired and wanted to lay down for a while. No argument, not even a discussion. Ellie said she was going out, to a movie. “I have been cooped up here for the last week and I need a break from the brat, you watch him for once.”

             
Allen was tired, and when Averell wanted to talk to him, Allen pushed him away and called him a “little bastard.” Averell was confused, he knew it was negative, but he did not understand what it meant.

             
He went to his room, squatted in his corner and mumbled the words over and over, “bastard,” “damn it.” Ellie was gone for about five hours and did not want to talk about the movie or anything else when she came home. She went straight to the bedroom, showered again and went to bed. Averell was awake, laying on his bed, looking at his ceiling and wondered why she used the shower again. He fell asleep.

             
It seemed to Averell that every offense was punished with a week or the remainder of the week in his room. More extreme offenses were often met with a slap in the face and the rest of the week in his room. Trip after trip that Allen made found Averell being found guilty of another offense against some rule. It also often meant another book. So Averell spent most of his time in his room where he crouched in his corner and repeated the words that he knew were forbidden and looked through his books. Allen’s trips became more frequent, soon being about a week apart and with the departure for each trip there was more arguing and crying and more fallout on Averell. There was also more extra money for Charlotte and upon each return there was either a reconciliation or a continuation of the argument. The routine seemed to work its way into their lives and become accepted. The arguments at each beginning were still there but the reconciliations worked their way in at more of the returns.

             
The first phase of Allen’s project was soon complete and all the documents were in a six week review period with the client. No travel was required during that period but the next phase would require another intensive travel schedule. That was weeks away and Allen avoided discussion of the upcoming travel requirements. They were getting back on track. The arguing stopped, they went to a few movies together and out to dinner a few times. Then, magic happened. Ellie was feeling a bit ill in the mornings and she felt somehow, different. She went to the doctor and was told that she was pregnant. A complete surprise to all, including the doctor. Perhaps the turmoil in their lives adjusted the alignment of somebody’s stars and the reconciliations after each trip were a more perfect field for the sowing of the seed. Allen was confused, but happy and Ellie was happy and not as confused.

             
It was an uneventful pregnancy and as the time approached, Averell was pushed more and more into the background. The time he once spent with his mother in the middle of the day was cut shorter and shorter until it was not at all. The more time he spent alone, the more he withdrew and the more he acted out. Averell was in his room alone more often than not and he continued to talk to himself, muttering the forbidden words and reading his books over and over.

             
His misbehaving whether real or perceived earned him an increase in spankings and again more time in his room, alone. Allen was not practiced in problem discussion and resorted to a swift swat on the most available cheek in response to Averell’s bad behavior. Ellie found it easy to send him to his room, grounded for a week regardless of the crime. Averell learned to be alone, to play alone and to find comfort in being alone. He continued to crouch in his corner and speak quietly. “Bastard,” “damn it.”

             
He spoke the words and listened and the strange voice would more and more often echo,
“Bastard, damn it.”

Allen made a few five day trips at the beginning of the second phase of his project, then he managed to streamline his process and made a number of shorter three day trips during the last half of phase two of his project but the game had changed. No more arguments with Ellie, no more crying and complaining and no more make-up sessions. Every time Allen made a trip, Averell stayed in his room as much as possible and Charlotte made a few extra dollars. Ellie seemed as distant from Allen as she was from Averell.

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CHAPTER THREE

How many crimes could a five year old commit . . .

When the day came in May of 1973, and Ellie asked to be taken to the hospital, QUICKLY ! Allen called Charlotte, helped Ellie into the car, told Averell to let Charlotte in when she arrived and probably broke a few traffic laws getting across town to the hospital, but made it to the emergency entrance in time. Ellie was rushed into a labor and delivery room where everything happened in fast motion — It was a girl. A very little, very pink little girl. Allen looked at her through the glass partition with amazement. He was a real father. Ellie called her Sarah. Life was about to begin for Sarah and change for Averell. Life would also change for Allen and Ellie.

             
Sarah had blue eyes and strawberry hair. She was petite with a defined twinkle in her eyes. Allen wondered where the blue eyes and light hair came from, his history being of a more swarthy flavor and Ellie’s being the same. He also did the math and determined that Ellie became pregnant during the period when he was flying in and out of town on a weekly basis. Ellie was aware of his musings, she knew he suspected something, but she said nothing.

             
Sarah became the center of Ellie’s attention. Nothing else seemed to matter. Sarah was perfect. Sarah was doted on and boasted about to all of Ellie’s friends. Averell was ignored except when he could be punished. He was slapped regularly for little infractions and constantly grounded. How many crimes could a five year old commit? He heard the words that he knew were directed at him and about him. One evening after dinner, Averell was looking for a book, walking slowly through the house. He heard Allen and Ellie talking at each other, each trying to gain an upper hand, when Allen said “the little bastard was a mistake.”

             
“Yeah, I know,  we never should have gone to Romania.”

             
“It was your idea —, your mistake.”

             
Averell again was confused. He again heard words that he did not know, He heard “Romania” and “adoption” and most loudly, “mistake”. He went to his room, crouched in the corner and mulled over the words he heard as he muttered, “bastard,” “damn it,” “Romania,” “adoption” and “mistake”. The words had meanings, but he did not know all of them. He wondered what they meant, he wondered how he could find the meanings. There was a dictionary on a shelf in the living room that Allen had shown him. It would have the words and what they meant. The next time he was alone, he would look in that book, the dictionary.

             
And the voice said,
“bastard . . . damn it . . . mistake”.

             
Averell rarely understood what he had done wrong, and avoided contact with Ellie, Allen and especially Sarah. He did not understand his feelings toward Sarah, but he knew that when she came home he was pushed aside. He knew that he didn’t like her. But he could not do anything about that. If he hurt her, he would be severely punished. If he complained about her, he would be severely punished. It made no difference, best to just stay away from her.

             
It did not take long for the tension in the house to rise. The air was thick with mistrust. Allen started working late and Ellie did not complain. Allen once again needed to travel to California as the third phase of his project demanded and Ellie said nothing. Averell took advantage of an opportunity to pull the dictionary off the shelf and look for the words he had heard. He looked through the book and found the word “bastard” where Allen explained it should be. The problem now was understanding all the words that explained the one he looked up. Averell struggled with it for a while and finally got an idea of what it meant. It was confusing because he had both Allen and Ellie . Averell continued to muse about the words he knew were directed at him and that he did not fully understand. He found time when Allen and Ellie were otherwise occupied to look up another word and as many of the defining words as he could and eventually had a fair idea of what some of them meant. Each definition that he found made him more angry, why would they say those things about him.

             
As Averell wondered about the words he was learning, Allen wondered about Sarah. He had a little private time one Saturday morning and took Averell to the library. “I have to look up a few things, you go and play in the toy room.” Averell did as he was told. He played for about a half an hour, got bored and started to look around for Allen. As Averell walked out from a row of shelves, he saw Allen sitting at a table with his head bowed in his hands. It looked like he could have been crying. Averell thought it better to go back to the toy room and wait for Allen to come get him. Allen had checked a medical book that covered blood types. He knew that he was type A, he knew that Ellie was type O and that Sarah was type B. He now also knew that Sarah was not his daughter. Allen left the book on the table and went to the toy room. Averell was sitting on a bench, waiting. Allen said, “Come on, let’s go home.” His voice was sad, Averell could see that and he asked if something was wrong. “Yeah, you might say that.” And with that they were both silent all the way home.

             
When they arrived, Ellie asked Averell where they had been and Averell replied, “The library, I played with the toys and daddy read a book that made him sad.” Allen heard the comment and decided that this was as good a time as any to put it on the table.

             
“I was looking through a medical book, seems as though your blood type and mine cannot make a baby with Sarah’s blood type. What do you think about that?” Confronted with this information, Ellie smiled and calmly suggested that Allen move out and leave her and Sarah alone. Averell was not mentioned. Allen was furious, he was also at the end of his patience with the entire situation and took the opportunity to do what he had been thinking about for months. He had a habit of keeping a bag packed and ready for his next trip. He went to the bedroom, picked up several items including the checkbook, a reserve of cash he kept in a dresser drawer and his passport and returned to the living room. Ellie was sitting on a chair, holding Sarah. Allen said, “If that’s what you want, then that’s what you will have. I will send someone for the rest of my things.” He walked out the door without another word and never returned. A week later he asked a friend to stop by the house and pick up a few boxes of his things that Ellie would put out on the front porch for Allen or the Am Vets, whomever was first.

             
In October of that year, Ellie filed for divorce. It was finalized the following April without dispute. Ellie now was alone with Averell and Sarah. She seemed happy with this arrangement and soon had a new group of friends who called on her with some regularity. Allen was doing quite well with his new position and did not contest the divorce settlement and sent the required checks every month through the courts. That payment plus the monthly stipend from her grandfather’s estate kept Ellie from having to work. She was pleased with her new life, she was in her own house where she had been for the last twelve years, with an income for which she did not have to work and was free to do as she wished. The only thorn in her side was Averell and he had learned to stay out of her way. He would play alone or sit and read for hours on end and not bother her or Sarah. He would even come to dinner late, after they had finished and he dealt with cold potatoes and warm milk just to avoid any contact with them. As he grew older, he could understand more and more the meanings of the words that disturbed him. Not just the meanings, but the intent. He was learning that he was not wanted.

             
Along with age came the increase in chores. He cleared the table after meals, swept the floors and did the lighter work outside. Ellie always seemed able to get someone bigger to cut the grass and clear snow until he could handle the lawn mower and heft a loaded shovel in mid winter.

             
Other than the increase in chores, Averell’s existence changed very little. He was usually ignored, just pushed aside in favor of anyone or anything else, especially Sarah. He was not important, but now he was not punished as much.

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