To Please the Doctor (18 page)

“
No, rum—the best thing when you
’
re cold.
”
He turned to Harriet as she re-entered the lounge.
“
Isn
’
t dinner ready yet?
”
The sly smile which accompanied the question brought an answering laugh to Harriet
’
s lips.

“
You wretch! No wonder your housekeeper grumbles. I can
’
t think how she puts up with you at all.
”
The smile which accompanied her words entirely belied them. Harriet paused, then in more serious tones, addressed Jill.
“
I was desperately sorry to hear about Terry. What an anxious week-end it must have been for you. How is he?
”

“
Dr. McRey seems quite satisfied as to his progress, so you can just imagine what a load that is off my mind.
”
Jill paused, then went on:
“
It has been rather an upsetting time, but I
’
m not really worried now.
”

Mrs. Sidons
’
announcement that dinner
was ready interrupted the conversation. Jill was glad, she felt that her personal problems had interfered enough already with Duncan McRey
’
s time without allowing them to intrude into his dinner at Harriet
’
s. Dinner was indeed a most pleasant meal, the food well cooked and served, and Jill couldn
’
t help hoping that he wasn
’
t comparing it with the meal which she had served him at that table on the occasion of their first meeting. She only prayed that unfortunate episode had by now been forgotten. Their relationship had undergone some subtle change. Jill was sure of that. She had perhaps, as Harriet had foreseen, managed to win this man
’
s grudging respect, and in spite of that unfortunate occasion, in spite of Brenda
’
s malicious pin-pricks, she
really believed that on her side she was beginning not only to understand his complex nature, but actually to admire
him
. Looking back it seemed odd now that she had not immediately recognized his qualities beneath that grim exterior. Even Harriet
’
s repeated assurance had left her doubtful; it seemed strange that she could have been so blind to all that lay beneath his forbidding manner. Jill
’
s eyes wandered round the small dining-room. How attractive it looked, yet so homely. The table was so highly polished that it reflected the glass and silver, while lighted candles, each side of a low bowl of tawny chrysanthemums, were the only illumination. This was the sort of home Jill felt she wanted, the sort of home which she hoped would one day be hers, but not to have alone as Harriet, but to share with a man she loved
...
Engrossed in the discussion of an article in the current
Medical Journal,
neither he nor Harriet seemed aware of her preoccupation, and she found herself covertly watching them as they argued together. How fair he was; she could imagine how, in summer, his hair would bleach, look almost white against the tan of his skin
...
Harriet was attractive too, her features were too irregular for beauty, but there was a calm serenity about her face, and an extraordinary charm in her expression when she smiled. She had inferred that one day she might marry; Jill hoped she would. She might be brilliant in her work, but Jill knew what a wonderful companion Harriet would make, a wonderful wife and mother. Jill crumbled the bread on her plate, glad that the others had momentarily forgotten her presence. Her eyes strayed again to Duncan McRey as, anxious to press a point in his argument, he leaned forward, his expression animated, his eyes holding Harriet
’
s with their steely brilliance; it was in that moment that Jill knew the truth. With frightening, blinding clarity it came to her that deep in her heart she had been visualizing Duncan McRey sharing with her such a house as this—he at the head of a candle-lit table
...
Now she knew without question that to win his love would be the most wonderful thing in the world ... For a brief second she lived again that moment when his arms had held her, dispassionately, only to offer consolation, yet her head had rested against his shoulder. She could still feel in her imagination the gentle touch of his hand on her hair and knew now that, although unrecognized, she had at that moment reached out and touched the stars.

“
How about coffee in the lounge?
”
The prosaic question awakened Jill from her reverie, and almost mechanically she followed Harriet from the room. Harriet
’
s words
ramp
to her as if spoken from afar.
“
Have this chair, Jill.
”

Jill took the chair Harriet had indicated
...
surely this was the armchair in which Duncan McRey must have spent that night? It seemed so very long ago now, yet it was merely a matter of weeks; how she had disliked him at that first meeting. Later she had realized that one could only hate or love such a man. Now, she knew without doubt that no middle course c
o
uld be possible. A sense of unreality persisted as she watched Harriet pour the coffee into Wedgewood cups, and her hand was unsteady as she took one from Duncan McRey
’
s hand, his tall figure stooping to hand it swam before her eyes, and it was a moment or two before she could regain her focus.

“
Cigarette, Jill?
”

“
Thank you, yes.
”
Jill hoped the smoke would steady her, but somehow it tasted like dust in her mouth, and she was glad to throw it, half smoked, into the fire.

“
You are very quiet to-night, Jill. I can guess why!
”

At Harriet
’
s words the colour drained from Jill
’
s cheeks and her hands gripped the arms of the chair as if seeking support. What had Harriet said? What on earth could she mean?

“
D
o
n
’
t look so surprised, you must have known that I
’
d hear sooner or later.
”
Harriet forced a note of lightness into her tone, but it was obvious that it was only to cover her displeasure.

“I ...
I don
’
t understand. What have you heard? What have I done?
”
Jill faltered miserably, conscious not only of Harriet
’
s attitude, but of Dunca
n
McRey
’
s obvious interest.

“
You told me that you wouldn
’
t resign from St. Joseph
’
s, for a few weeks at least. You promised me you
’
d give it another chance—in any case, you might at least have discussed your intention with me first. After all, I did recommend you for the post.
”
Harriet spoke with ill-concealed hurt.
“
I did think, after the talk we had together, that you
’
d carry on a bit longer.
”

“
Resign—from St. Joseph
’
s!
”
Jill echoed tonelessly.
“
But I haven
’
t resigned. I told you I
’
d give it a longer trial, and I am doing so.
”
There was a feeling of infinite relief in Jill
’
s tone, not only was she able to refute Harriet
’
s disclosure, but she was incredibly glad of something to distract the turmoil of her thoughts.
“
I can
’
t think where you got hold of such an idea. You know I
’
d never do anything like that behind your back
.”

“
I didn
’
t think you would, that
’
s why I was so disappointed.
”
Harriet
’
s tone was mollified, but suddenly her voice hardened again and she went on.
“
It all seems a bit strange. Matron showed me your letter this morning, saying y
o
u wished to terminate your appointment in a month.
”

“
Matron
...
showed you a letter
...
from me?
”
The words were spoken jerkily as if Jill tried to convey their meaning to herself.
“
I don
’
t understand. I haven
’
t written to Matron and I certainly haven
’
t resigned!
”
she ended emphatically.

“
Well, there it is
...”
Harriet shrugged.
“
You
’
ll have to find an explanation. I
’
m sure I can
’
t—I saw your letter myself and that
’
s all I can say.
”

“
I think I begin to understand!
”
Jill exclaimed, and there was an undercurrent, almost of fear in her voice.
“
There can only be one explanation
...
You remember that letter I wrote to Matron originally? Naturally, after talking to you, I didn
’
t send it, but like a fool I didn
’
t destroy it. It quite slipped my mind; it must have been lying in my office ever since!
”

“
You mean that must have been the letter I saw?
”
Harriet looked puzzled, and
as obviously struggling to understand.
“
But if it was in your desk, then how on earth did Matron get hold of it?
”

“
The answer seems obvious to me.
”
Jill spoke with bitterness.
“
Brenda must have done me the kind service of discovering it and seeing that it reached Matron just in case I omitted to do so myself!
”

“
But that
’
s ridiculous. She wouldn
’
t have taken such a liberty, unless of course she believed that you had intended to deliver it, and forgotten to do so before you went off,
”
Harriet ended thoughtfully.

“
I hardly think so.
”
Jill
’
s lips curled ironically.
“
That sounds a little t
oo
considerate for Nurse
Malling
.
”

“
There is obviously only one thing to do. You
’
ll have to see Matron first thing to-morrow and explain the error,
”
Harriet spoke decisively.

“
What—tell her I
’
ve changed my mind?
”
Jill asked in incredulous amazement.
“
How can I possibly do that? I can
’
t deny that I
wrote
the letter; the fact that I changed my mind
before handing it in hardly matters. No, I won
’
t do it, the damage is done and can
’
t be undone.
”
It was only as Jill spoke the words that the full force of the truth broke over her with frightening clarity. It seemed impossible now that she could ever have contemplated leaving, but in the interim her whole outlook had changed, life itself had taken on
a
different meaning. The thought of leaving St. Joseph
’
s now meant but one thing. Duncan McRey would go out of her life. A wave of despair engulfed Jill at the thought; whatever their relationship was, however distant it were to remain, it would be like the end of the world if she were never to see him again. Something akin to panic seized Jill in its grasp, and for one mad moment she contemplated following Harriet
’
s advice. She
’
d tell Matron she wouldn
’
t leave! The thought died as it was born; it was even possible that Matron would hold her to her word, and Jill feared that an attempt to withdraw her notice might disclose to others the secret of her longing to remain.

“
Duncan, what do you think?
”
Harriet turned appealingly to Duncan McRey, who had, so far, remained silent.
“
Jill ought to explain to Matron, oughtn
’
t she? After all, the whole thing is a silly mistake. I can
’
t think why that stupid girl had to interfere; I expect she thought she was being clever.
”
Harriet lowered her voice in a confidential manner.
“
I don
’
t suppose you even knew that soon after Jill got here she couldn
’
t settle down. She
’
d decided to leave, and I begged her to wait a bit. I knew she
’
d win through in the end, and now this has to happen. I think she should go to Matron and explain, don
’
t you?
”

“
The problem is rather out of my line. I
’
m afraid I don
’
t know.
”