To Mend a Broken Heart (25 page)

“Thank you,” Ginny whispers, wiping her eyes, “Hormone overload!” she laughs.

“Gigi, go sit, you’ve been on your feet all morning.” Ryan tells her, snuggling their son.

“Lunch is like, two minutes away from being ready. Are you capable of serving?” she teases him.

“I’m probably not, but Daniel is.”

“And Daniel is the guest.” she scolds Ryan.

“Please, he’s been here enough times to know where everything is, he can help, right?”

“Right.” Daniel smiles, gently patting Ginny on the shoulder.

Ginny and I take a sleepy Aidan into the lounge and I watch the two of them together with Daniel’s words running through my head.
It brings back nothing but beautiful memories for me, Ginny. I hope one day, I’ll create more of those
, of course Daniel wants more children. We haven’t spoken about it, but then again, we haven’t spoken about a lot of things we want from the future. It has been a whirlwind since we met, we both fell fast and deep and I know we both can't imagine being apart from each other. I guess it’s something we need to speak about though, to make sure we are both on the same page.

I let my mind drift off to our future. A little blonde haired, blue eyed boy, the spitting image of his father running towards me, his laughter carrying back to me as Daniel chases after him. My tummy swollen with another life, a life we created together in love and adoration for each other. The life I wanted that I was so sure I would never have seems so close, so possible, like I can reach out and touch it, and maybe one day I’ll be able to.

We’re both a little quiet on the ride back to Daniel’s, I’m not sure if we’re both tired or if we’re both lost in thoughts of our future, but when we pull into Daniel’s drive and walk up to the front door, my heart is hammering away in my chest. I suddenly feel nervous, like when I enter the house, everything is going to change. Of course it isn't. I’m being stupid. Stepping in, we both remove our shoes and Daniel looks back at me, his eyes as unsure as I feel.

“Come upstairs with me?” he asks, holding out his hand.

“Why?” I ask, taking it, lacing our fingers together.

“Right now, I need you. I need to be close to you. I don’t know why, but I feel… I feel like you could slip through my fingers without me noticing, like… our entire future hangs in the balance. Does it, Katie? Could I…lose you?” he asks, so seriously my heart aches for him.

“No, never.” I tell him.

“So I don’t have to share you? I don’t have to compete with h—”

“You don't have to share me with him, Daniel. You don't have to compete. He isn't here. You are, you're who I want to be with. You're who I want to live my life with. You're who I love and trust and give my heart to. If you want it, it's yours, today, tomorrow. Forever.”

“Katie, I have wanted your heart since the day I met you.”

“Then take it. Take me, all of me.”

“I’ll never take you, I’ll always treasure you, always.”

“Love me, Daniel. Love me and never stop, because you’re who I want. I want my future with you.”

He picks me up, carrying me up the stairs to his bedroom. He places me gently on the bed and climbs on top of me, careful to keep his full weight off of me by propping himself up on his hands. He looks down at me, eyes impossibly blue and shining with emotion.

“I want my future with you,” he tells me, “I mean what I said at Ginny’s. I hope one day we can create more beautiful memories together. I hope one day, it will be us telling Ginny and Ryan we’re expecting, that you’re carrying my child. I hope with my whole heart that day will come for us, Katie.”

He closes his eyes, the emotion of his words getting the better of him. I reach up and caress the side of his face with my hand, letting him know it’s okay. I wait for him to open his eyes and only when he does, do I speak.

“I want that too. I want exactly that. I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

Love and hope. Without them, life is empty and dark. It is cold and it is lonely. Daniel has given me hope and hope is one of the greatest gifts we have to give. I'm not sure how I got here. I’m not sure if I deserve it. I just know Daniel is the reason.

Chapter Twenty-Three

Daniel is strong. The strongest person I know, but even the strongest person has weak moments, don’t they? A moment where they need to be held up, a moment where they can’t be the strong one because they are hurting. Today is such a day. It started with a restless nights sleep. I woke up in the dark with Daniel whimpering beside me. I knew he was dreaming and I knew what he would be dreaming about. I reached out for him and soothed him the best I could. When he finally woke himself up, he sobbed into my chest until he fell back to sleep. My heart broke with every tear that landed on my skin.

Right now, he’s upstairs, sitting in Poppy’s room. He’s been up there for the last hour and each time I’ve gone to see him, he’s told me he’ll be five more minutes but as yet, he hasn’t come back downstairs and I’m worried if I push, I’ll cause more pain. The heartbreaking thing is, I can’t help him, he is fighting the demons that take hold of him at his weakest point and I can’t do anything to help. He is lost to me in moments like this, totally consumed by his grief and the profound loss he is trying to live through. Nothing I can say or do can make it better. I know what it feels like to lose someone, but I don't know, and I hope I never will know, what it feels like to lose a child. A child you gave everything up for, a child who you lived for. A child who was your whole world. No one knows when the grief will hit you the hardest, everyone assumes it’s on birthdays, significant days, but the truth is that it’s on normal days it often hurts the most.

I walk into the empty room that a few days previously was filled with boxes of Poppy’s things. Everything she ever touched, lived in and owned.
All material things
, Daniel told me,
it wouldn't bring her back
, he told me. He is right of course, it didn't stop it being so horrendously heartbreaking. Daniel is where he has been for the past hour, sitting on the floor and holding Poppy’s brown teddy. I slide down the wall and take his hand in mine.

“Do you want me to leave?” I whisper.

“No, I'm so sorry, Katie, I don't want to make you feel like I don't want you here. I want you here so much...But...I want my daughter here too.”

His sad, tear filled eyes meet mine and I can't help but reach for him. When Daniel is sad, he looks painfully so, the sadness consumes him and it spills out of every pore. No one ever looks more sad than Daniel does.

“I wish with my whole heart I could bring her back for you, Daniel. If I had three wishes, they would all be used to bring your daughter back to you.”

“I love you.” he whispers, tears falling down his cheeks.

“And I love you.”

We sit there together for another half an hour before I manage to persuade Daniel to come to his room and rest. I climb onto the bed and hold my arms out to him. He climbs onto the bed next to me and wraps himself around me, his head on my chest, his leg over mine. I wrap him in my arms, I wrap him in the love I have for him in the hopes it is enough to heal him right now. Because it’s all I have.

“When she was a baby,” he begins, “She would lay on my chest for hours sleeping. I kept being told, you should let her learn to fall asleep on her own, you'll never get her to settle without sleeping on you otherwise. It was impossible to let her settle on her own though, she was my daughter and I knew the months of being able to have her, curled up on my chest were so short, I wasn't prepared to miss a single minute I could with her like that.”

“I think you do what you feel is right, if it works for you, why should anyone be able to tell you it's wrong?”

“And they were all wrong. When she got older, she wouldn't settle on me anymore. So she learned to settle on her own in spite of my sleepy cuddles. When she was at her most poorly, she would revert back to being held to go to sleep. She would crawl into my lap and then onto my chest, just like she did when she was a baby and she would sleep for hours so peacefully,” he sighs, “It was like she remembered and took comfort in it. If I had stopped, like everyone told me to, would she have been able to sleep? Be able to rest without being scared?

“I don't know.”

“I made a promise to myself, a promise for Poppy, that I would experience life to the full.” he tells me.

“I think that is a great promise to make.”

“She didn’t have a choice, Katie. She didn’t ask to get sick, she didn’t ask for her life to end when she was so little. She should be with me, she should be living her life. I should be able to look forward to her becoming a teenager, I should be worrying about her getting her first boyfriend, about going off to uni. I should be looking forward to walking her down the aisle on her wedding day. Most of all I should be able to look forward to seeing the incredible young lady she would have become, but all those things were taken from me and even worse, they were taken from her.”

“I don’t know what to say.”

“So, I am living life to the full, because I’m not just living it for me, I’m living it for Poppy too. I’m going to make sure I see as much of the world, experience as much of life as I can. And Katie, I’d really like you to experience it with me.”

“I want to experience it with you too, Daniel. So very much,"

Daniel grows quiet and a few minutes later his breathing gets heavy and I know he is asleep. I hold him, I run my hand up and down his back for what feels like hours. I run my fingers through his hair and press kisses to the top of his head. When he begins making distressed noises and I know he is dreaming, I whisper that I love him, that everything is okay and after a few minutes he calms down and is still again. As the light begins to fade Daniel stirs. His eyes meet mine and a slow sad smile spreads across his face. He reaches up with one hand and cups the side of my face. After a few seconds of just looking at me, he lowers his face to mine and kisses me softly, then more deeply. He pulls back slightly and whispers to me, his warm breath washing over my face.

“Can I make love to you, Katie?”

“You need me?” I whisper back, willing to give him anything he needs right now.

“I need to be as close as humanly possible to you. I need to know I'm alive and I feel most alive when I'm buried deep inside of you, when you're all I can feel, when you’re all I can smell, when you’re everything to me. When every single one of my senses are surrounded by you.”  

“Then make love to me. Make me feel alive too.”

* * *

Work takes over and the weeks seem to fly by. With the warmer weather we’re entering wedding season and I’m rushed off my feet. Daniel has been away with work for the last three days and I’ve missed him. This morning I’m meeting him in the park near his house and we are going to spend the weekend together. I’m due to go away to Manchester next week to help one of my couples sort something big for their wedding, I’m not looking forward to the travel or the stress, but it’s work so I’ll suck it up.

I spot Daniel up ahead by the pond and walk over. He is totally lost in taking photos. I watch as he crouches down to get the angle he wants, spotting something of interest. I would love to see what he sees when he looks at the world. He told me, after Poppy died, he didn't want to take photos of anything, that life had lost its beauty and the world held no interest to him whatsoever. He told me that the colours had come back into his life again thanks to me. I didn't really know what to say to that, so I'd just smiled and squeezed his hand. As I get closer the sound of my heels on the concrete alerts him to my presence. He doesn't move the camera from in front of his face, he continues to capture whatever it is that has peeked his interest.

“Good morning, Katie.”

“How did you know it was me?” I ask surprised.

“The sound of your feet. You have a very distinctive walk.”

“I do?”

“Yes, for someone so small, your feet move incredibly quickly. I'm not even sure mine move that fast.” He smiles, bringing the camera to rest in his hands.

“Well, I guess you learn something new every day,” I grin, “What did you find?”

“A few things,” he picks his camera back up and focuses his lens on me, “Can I take your photo?”

“Erm. I guess so.” I suddenly feel very self conscious. Daniel has taken my photo before months ago, but I still don’t feel comfortable.

“Don't do that. You're beautiful.” He smiles when he picks up on the tension that being in front of the camera brings me. He steps back a little and snaps a few photos, when I feel the heat spread over my face I look away, he doesn't stop taking photos though, I can still hear the click of the shutter.

“Are you ready for a mocha?” I ask him and subtly tell him I’ve had enough.

“Nice way of avoiding the camera.” he grins, “And I don’t drink mochas, but if you make it a cappuccino, you have a deal.” he holds out his hand to me and I take it. He pulls me into him and presses a kiss to my lips, the sudden closeness of him and the heat radiating from his body has me going limp in his arms.

“I missed you.” I tell him.

“I missed you.” he tells me back.

“How was your trip?” I ask as we walk the short distance to the café in the middle of the park we like going to.

“It was really good. Everything in life is really good right now.”

“It is,” I agree squeezing his hand, “I’m always a little worried, when life is this good, something is going to come along and ruin it.” I admit honestly.

“We can’t control what the future holds, Katie. We just have to live for now.”

“How did you get to be so wise?”

“I think it comes with old age… and great height. More space for knowledge.”

“Old age? Daniel, you’re forty-four, you’re not old!” I scoff.

“I’m older than you.” he reminds me.

“By ten years, it’s not like you’re a pensioner.”

“No. You’re right. I’m not that old.”

I stop where I am and step into his body, looking up at him I crook my finger to him, letting him know I need him to come closer because I have a secret.

“Want to know something?” I whisper in his ear.

“Of course.” he grins.

“I like older men.”

“Oh, do you?”

“Yes.”

“And why is that?”

“Well…” I tell him, tugging him down the path again, “All that knowledge you have? It comes in very handy in other areas too.”

His booming laugh fills the park and people look at us. I can’t help but laugh too. Daniel’s laughter is infectious, he has one of those laughs that when you hear it, it makes you laugh too. It’s one of my favourite things about him.

“I’m very glad to hear it.” he chuckles.

“And I’m very glad to receive that knowledge.” I laugh.

We grab a coffee and a muffin and sit outside, making the most of the sunshine. When we’ve finished, Daniel reaches over and takes my hand in his, his thumb brushing back and forth repeatedly over my hand.

“Katie, do you know what Wednesday was?”

“Wednesday…” I try to remember what Wednesday’s date was. It doesn't register in my head. “No. What was it?”

“Wednesday was a year to the day since we met.” he tells me, smiling.

“Was it?” a sudden wave of excitement tinged with regret washes over me.

“Yes. One year ago on Wednesday, you walked into the ward. Look how far we’ve come in a year, Katie.”

“Wow… A whole year. I can’t believe I forgot.”

“Imagine, Katie,” he leans forward and whispers the next words against my lips, “Where we’ll be a year from now.”