To Love and to Cherish (2 page)

It was hard to imagine doing anything on her own, but she was excited about the possibility and intimidated by it as well. The future was unknown, the possibilities limitless. She had never faced anything unknown or without limits. She didn't know if she could handle it. Maybe it would be better if she stayed in Cactus Corner and continued her life as it was. She would have her freedom. That's all she'd ever wanted.

“Some of the guests are getting ready to leave,” Sibyl told her. “They'll want to say good-bye.”

That seemed pointless since she'd see any number of them the moment she stepped outside, but she prepared to say all the proper things. After all, this was the last time she would have to do that. After she saw Norman tomorrow, she would be free. The thought buoyed her spirits so much that she had to caution herself to continue to appear grave. She wasn't going to pretend to be grief-stricken. Too many people knew about the condition of her marriage, but it wouldn't do to appear happy about Noah's death. Even those who knew the state of her marriage wouldn't accept that.

“I think everyone in town showed up,” Norman announced when the last guest had left. “But that was to be expected considering the esteem in which everyone held Noah.”

Norman found it impossible to believe anyone could think less of him and his brother than they did of themselves.

“Many said how much they appreciated the refreshments we provided,” Norman said with pride.

Sibyl had been responsible for every aspect of the food's preparation and presentation, but Norman could never give his wife sole credit for anything. It was as though doing so would diminish his value.

“I have to get back to the bank. Noah would be the first to say I should never neglect business. Don't forget to come by tomorrow,” he reminded Laurie. “We have a lot to talk about.”

“I'd better go, too,” Cassie said.

Laurie didn't see why turning over Noah's estate to her required more than a few sentences, but she was willing to let Norman talk as long as he wanted. Once she walked out of that bank, she would never have to listen to him again.

“Do you know how much money Noah left you?” Naomi asked.

“No, but Noah owned most of the store and part of the bank.”

“At least you won't have to work in the bank like Cassie.”

Norman didn't believe any woman was capable of understanding the simplest bank transaction, but he wasn't above using Cassie's looks to ensure every male within fifty miles used his bank.

“What will you do?” Sibyl asked.

“I don't know. I haven't had time to think about it.”

“You don't have to decide right away,” Naomi said. “I, on the other hand, have to get home right away. Colby is so crazy about that baby, he'll use any excuse to have him all to himself. That's why he's not here now. He said I could convey his sympathies better than he could. If I don't get home soon, I'm afraid my own son will forget who I am. If it weren't for Esther and Peter, I wouldn't get any attention at all.”

Laurie tried not to be envious of Naomi's happiness, but Colby was the kind of husband every woman wanted and only one in a thousand found. She was glad that one had been Naomi.

“Are you sure you want to stay in that house by yourself tonight?” Sibyl asked. “You're welcome to stay here as long as you wish.”

“I only stayed with you and Norman these last two nights because he insisted I was too upset to be left alone. He has no idea how long I've dreamed of being alone. Noah was cruel. I would never have done anything to hurt him, but I'm glad he's dead. Does that make me a bad person?” Her laugh sounded slightly hysterical even to her. “You don't have to say anything, but don't pretend you don't understand. Now before I say anything else, I'll leave. I have some shopping to do before I go home. I don't know if I can stay in that house without feeling Noah's presence in every room.”

“What will you do if you can't?”

“Build another house. Or maybe I'll move to Tucson. Noah had plenty of money.”

“You can't do that. Your family is here.”

“Don't call my parents my
family
! If they'd loved me even a little, they'd never have forced me to marry Noah.” Emotion choked off anything else she might have said. Before Noah's death, she hadn't spoken to either of her parents since her wedding day. She didn't know if that would change now. “For the last four years, I've died a little each day,” she told Sibyl. “Now I actually feel alive, like I can take a deep breath, express an opinion, make a decision, do something as simple as get dressed without wondering if Noah will find some way to criticize me.” She stopped and took a long, slow breath to calm herself. “Sorry, I didn't mean to say any of this. I'm more emotional than I thought. I should go.”

“Are you calm enough to face other people?”

“I'm used to pretending. It's only with you and Naomi that I can let myself feel anything.” She kissed her cousin's cheek. “Thanks for everything you've done, but I have to start getting used to living on my own.”

She experienced a moment of uncertainty when she stepped outside. She'd never been on her own. Either her parents or Noah had made every decision for her. The prospect was a little frightening, but it was also exciting.

Her life was about to start.

***

Jared told himself it was a waste of energy to lust after a woman he'd seen for barely more than a minute. It was downright uncivilized when that woman was a young widow who'd buried her husband only that afternoon. None of that stopped him from fantasizing about what it would be like to make love to her—something he'd been doing since he first saw her three years ago. When she left Santa Fe, he'd never expected to see her again.

He soon found himself very uncomfortable in the saddle, but even that didn't succeed in driving the pleasant fantasy from his thoughts. He had been a sensual person as far back as he could remember. He expected his surroundings to nourish his senses. That was especially true with women. No one could appreciate their shapes or their softness more than he. Considering that, it was out of character that he had chosen to settle in the Arizona Territory, a land noted for its harshness and its lack of women.

The land around him was a far cry from southern Texas, but he was a far cry from the young man who'd gone off to war seven years earlier. Fighting his fellow countrymen in Virginia and Indians in Texas had deprived him of most of his idealism. Now all he wanted was to find his two brothers. Six months spent in Santa Fe following up every possible lead had turned up nothing.

The family that had adopted him had returned to Texas in less than a year. The same could have happened to his brothers. Or they could have gone farther west. He had nothing to go on, but he couldn't rid himself of the conviction that he would find them west of Santa Fe. Consequently, he'd chosen to settle in the Arizona Territory. He had been able to buy a ranch that was already set up and running. At first, that had seemed like a good idea. Now he wasn't so sure.

Even though the land below the Mogollon Rim was covered in trees and riddled with creeks, it could be a dry, harsh land that wasn't hospitable to cattle. He had no intention of building a herd of the hardy Texas longhorns. They were lean and mean, fully capable of holding their own against most predators and surviving in harsh country, but he had set his heart on a herd of Herefords. They were equally hardy but carried more meat. He wanted a small herd that wouldn't overgraze the range but would still turn a profit. He had his land and he had his crew. What he didn't have was a herd of Herefords. He knew where to get them. He just had to find a way to pay for them.

He had to get a loan.

He didn't look forward to sitting down with that long-nosed banker. The man looked the type who would enjoy turning him down. He'd much rather think about the young widow, Laurie. She was the banker's sister-in-law, but she didn't seem to be anything like him. Scared. Subdued. Sad. Confused. Maybe all of those, but she definitely wasn't mourning her husband. He wondered why. He also wondered why she wore clothes that hung on her like moss on a tree.

He needed to stop thinking about Laurie Spencer, though seeing her flanked by two equally handsome women was a hard picture to forget. He was a man used to feeding his carnal appetite on a regular basis. Coming to Arizona had changed that. Women were few and far between. They were either respectable women married to respectable men, or they were women of no reputation who followed the mining camps and whose time and bodies were for sale. He'd never had any problem satisfying himself with the latter, but Laurie Spencer had instilled in him a desire for a woman of a different type.

Specifically, Laurie Spencer.

Hell, if she was like the women back home, she'd wear mourning for a full year. He could dry up and blow away before then. As he expected from the first moment he saw her, he'd have to settle for someone less likely to start him thinking of marriage.

***

Laurie looked at herself the mirror. She'd been taught that vanity was a sin, but she was pleased with the way she looked. Well, more than pleased. She was delighted. The weather had made an abrupt change, enabling her to dispense with the coat she'd planned to wear. She wore a plain wool skirt that hugged her hips and cinched tightly at her waist. A simple cotton blouse covered her bosom without clouding its outline. Her only concession to the weather and modesty was a jacket that was fitted at the waist.

She didn't know if Noah had been right when he insisted that her body was an affront to female modesty and that she should do everything she could to disguise it, but she intended to find out. She tried on three hats before dispensing with all of them and pinning her hair atop her head. She liked the way it accented her neck. If she was going to be thought an immodest female, she wanted to provide plenty of ammunition.

She had no sooner placed her hand on the doorknob than she suffered a stab of doubt. What would Naomi or Sibyl say? What if Noah was right? Would any of the older women turn their backs on her?

Laurie's spine stiffened. She didn't care if no one liked the way she was dressed. They'd just have to get used to it. They didn't complain about Cassie anymore, and she did everything she could to make herself more attractive.

She opened the door and stepped out.

When Naomi and Colby had laid out the town, they'd insisted that only businesses should be on the main street. They reasoned that the noise and dust caused by steady traffic would make it an unsuitable location for private homes where quiet and cleanliness were important. Norman and Noah had built their homes on the western end of town because it had a higher elevation that allowed them to look down on the town from their upper windows. There were no buildings on the main street in front of their two houses because the brothers had wanted everyone to see that they owned the most imposing houses in Cactus Corner. Thus Laurie was forced to walk nearly the length of the town along the main street. She hadn't gone far before she got a partial answer to her question.

Two young men she didn't know were coming toward her on their way out of town. They caught sight of her at the same time. The sight rattled them so thoroughly that they lost control of their horses and rode into each other. At first Laurie was afraid her appearance was so shockingly bad that the boys had been knocked senseless in horror. But Laurie hadn't forgotten everything about being young, pretty, and single. It was quickly apparent that the men liked what they saw. Laurie was certain she was a sinful woman, but the reaction delighted her. It was hard to hide her smile of satisfaction, but she hadn't the nerve to let them know she was aware of her effect on them. Noah was wrong about one thing—her appearance wasn't an affront to young men. With that bit of encouragement, Laurie held her head a little higher and walked with more confidence.

That confidence ebbed when Mae Oliver, her mother's second cousin, took one look at her, crossed the street, and marched straight up to her.

“Thank goodness you've stopped dressing like a nun. You must have gotten a good night's sleep. You look wonderful.”

A tight knot of fear unraveled, and Laurie allowed herself to smile. “Are you sure? I'm not dressed too immodestly?”

“If I looked like you, I'd dress the same way. I used to wonder why you didn't, but then I realized that Noah didn't like it when other men looked at you.”

Laurie felt vulnerable, like her veil of secrecy had been stripped away. Did everyone in town know of the hell she'd lived through? She wondered how many of her other
secrets
weren't secret.

“Don't look so shocked, dear. There's not a woman in Cactus Corner who hasn't offered a prayer of thanks she wasn't married to Noah. He was a fine man in many ways, but he was never the husband for a lively girl like you.”

Laurie thought of several things to say, yet said none of them. There didn't seem to be a need.

“Now that you're free, you can look around for a nice man. With your looks and the money Noah left you, there ought to be a line at your door by the time you get home. I know I've embarrassed you, but there's no use pretending when the truth will serve a lot better. Now I have things to do, as I'm sure you do as well. I know you'll feel more comfortable confiding in Naomi or Sibyl, but if you ever need to talk to someone else, Elsa or I will be glad to give you what advice we can.”

Laurie was relieved when Mae turned and crossed the street. Even though Mae and Elsa were her mother's cousins, Laurie didn't know what to say to Mae's kind offer. She couldn't imagine a situation that would have her going to either Mae or Elsa for advice. It took a few moments to recover her equilibrium, but she had regained her composure by the time she reached the bank.