To Love and to Cherish (12 page)

Jared didn't intend to make the same mistakes. He was studying the man's records to see what he could learn. He'd talked to the soldiers at the fort to learn how they managed to find forage for their horses season after season. He was learning which grasses were most nutritious. He had to be sure how many acres were needed to support one cow. He needed to know when it rained, when it didn't, and which canyons could provide forage until the rains came again. Most important of all, he had to make certain he didn't overgraze any of his range. In these desert-like conditions, it might never recover.

He couldn't do any of that very well when he couldn't think of anything but Laurie. He wasn't getting anything done here, so he might as well see if she needed any help with supper. Who was he fooling? Despite his years in the army, he knew next to nothing about cooking. He just wanted to be near her.

There was nothing so terrible about that as long as he didn't let his lust—he hated to admit it, but he couldn't call it anything else—become obvious. That was one way to send her scuttling back to Cactus Corner to stay.

He found her in the kitchen peeling potatoes. They'd bought a sack full. She looked up when he entered the kitchen. She greeted him with a smile that nearly ruined all his good intentions.

“Supper won't be ready for an hour yet.”

“I know. I got tired of studying records of failure. I could help you with that. I'm a terrible cook, but I can peel a potato.”

“You didn't hire me so you could peel potatoes.”

“I didn't
hire
you. You're a partner, remember? That means we have equal responsibilities.”

“That may be, but since I'm a woman, we don't have the same work. You ride horses and chase cows—or whatever it is you do—and I cook the meals.”

She was as beautiful and feminine as any woman could be, but Jared had the feeling Laurie was no mere woman. It had taken a lot of courage to propose the partnership. It had taken even more to agree to cook and clean for six men on a ranch five miles from town. Her family couldn't have been happy about it, yet she hadn't missed a single day or been late. Steve sang her praises, but the boy was suffering from an advanced case of puppy love.

A better indication of her character was the respect with which the other men treated her. Nick's teasing was a poor foil for his infatuation, while Loomis would have thrown down his cape for her to walk on if he'd had one. Clay dredged up all the gentlemanly behavior of his Cajun background. Even Odell had gotten over his pique at being replaced. Jared was afraid to put his feelings into words. As long as they remained unacknowledged, maybe he could keep them under control.

“Peeling potatoes isn't cooking. How about letting me help?”

“Why do you want to help? Men don't do that. My father wouldn't even bring in water from the well.”

“All of us learned to do new things during the war. Some cooked, and some took care of the wounded. We found it didn't hurt us.”

“Maybe Colby
is
your brother. He's the only man in Cactus Corner who doesn't feel out of place in a kitchen.” Laurie stood. “The potatoes are all yours, but don't be surprised if the men think there's a funny taste to them.”

“As long as they can look at you, they could be eating sawdust and they wouldn't know the difference. If they did, they wouldn't care.”

Laurie looked uneasy. “You shouldn't be saying things like that.”

“Why not? It's the truth.” Jared seated himself and picked up the knife and a potato. “My father always told me the truth never hurt.”

“I'm not sure I agree with him, but I know it can make people uncomfortable.”

He fixed his gaze on her. “Do I make you uncomfortable?”

“Only when you talk like that.”

“I thought women liked to be told they were attractive.”

“I expect most women do, but I was taught that being too attractive could lead to trouble.”

Jared couldn't help but smile. “There's no such thing as too attractive when it comes to women. There's not a single man alive who would complain if every woman looked like you.”

Laurie turned her attention to a pot on the stove. “Then we'd all be equally plain.”

A long spiral of potato peel dropped into the bucket between Jared's feet. “Equally beautiful. But if it bothers you so much, I won't say anything about it again.”

“I would prefer that. How would you feel if women went around saying how handsome you were?”

“I'd love it. Do you think I'm handsome?”

Laurie's interest in the pot became more intense. “You don't need me to tell you that you're a very attractive man. I'm sure plenty of women are eager to do that.”

Jared laughed. “Not as many as I would like. Do you think I'm handsome?”

Laurie turned to face him. “Yes. Now stop trying to embarrass me and peel those potatoes. The men won't be happy if supper's late.”

Jared reached for another potato. “How many do you need?”

“Half a dozen. All of you eat like you have hollow legs.”

“They didn't eat half as much when Odell was cooking. Of course, he's not half as pretty as you.”

“Are you saying looking at a woman makes men hungry?”

“Yeah, and not just for food.”

She turned back to the stove. “Maybe I should eat by myself.”

“Definitely not. You've improved the quality of our language and our pleasure in eating. Haven't you noticed that the men like to sit over their coffee talking about nothing in particular and everything in general? It has improved our relationships. The five of us lost nearly everything we had in that war. Having you here has given us something else to think about.”

“I'm not sure—”

“You're a lovely woman, a very desirable woman, but you have nothing to fear from any one of us.”

“I know. I just feel uncomfortable when you talk about my…desirability.”

“Why?”

Laurie turned toward him, the look on her face one of pain as well as anger. “My father married me off at seventeen because he said he was afraid my body would get me in trouble. My husband forced me to wear oversized clothes because he said my body was an affront to good women. He said I had a pretty face but my body disgusted him.”

Without warning, Laurie burst into tears and hurried from the room.

Jared couldn't follow immediately because he had to wash the potato starch from his hands. When he found her, she was in the parlor staring out the window, her arms wrapped around herself, crying softly. He didn't know what to do so he relied on instinct. He walked up behind her and turned her around until she faced him.

“Your father was cruel not to see your strength of character, but I can't imagine what was wrong with your husband. He must have been a very disturbed and unhappy man not to be able to see that you're beautiful in face, body, mind, spirit—in every way a woman can be beautiful. You should be loved—you
will
be loved—so completely that you'll never again doubt your worth.”

Her gaze seemed fixed on a button on his shirt. “Thank you.”

“You don't have to thank me. You don't even have to believe me. All you have to do is look in a mirror. Even better, watch the reaction of men when they see you.”

“I've been told that what they're seeing is the evil in me.”

“My God, woman, who would say anything as cruel and stupid as that?”

She looked up. “My husband.”

Jared had never met Noah Spencer, had heard very little about him, but he couldn't imagine why a man would say that about his wife, especially when it was manifestly untrue.

“He said he was sorry my father had talked him into marrying me.”

It was fortunate the man had fathered no children. They didn't need any more insane people in this world. “I'd have wanted to marry you so quickly the engagement wouldn't have lasted any longer than it took to find a preacher. I'd have been unable to keep my eyes off you by day and my hands off you by night. I'd have been so proud of you I'd have made sure you were dressed so beautifully every time you went out that men would be filled with jealousy that you belonged to me and not them. I would trust you implicitly, but I wouldn't want to be separated from you for even a minute.”

Laurie gave a watery chuckle. “Not even Colby acts like that toward Naomi, and he adores her.”

“Then he can't be my brother. Of course, she can't hold a candle to you even if she is your cousin. You're the most beautiful woman in Cactus Corner.”

Apparently he'd insulted her family, for Laurie was quick to come to Naomi's defense. “She most certainly can. She's beautiful and talented. And so is Sibyl, so you can't go around saying I'm the most beautiful woman in Cactus Corner.”

“You are to me.”

Laurie was embarrassed. “You shouldn't say that.”

“Why? It's true.”

“You shouldn't feel that way about a business partner.”

“You're a woman, and I'm a man. That trumps any business arrangement.”

Laurie looked unable to believe him.

“I don't know how you can believe anything that's so clearly untrue, but I haven't had anyone drumming into my head how unattractive I was. I find you incredibly attractive. I've wanted to do this since the moment I set eyes on you.”

Then he kissed her.

Shock held Laurie immobile. She was twenty-one years old and had never been kissed by a man. She didn't know how she was supposed to feel, didn't know how she was supposed to react. She felt on fire and as cold as ice. About to explode or shrivel up and die. She couldn't decide whether she wanted to run away or to throw her arms around Jared and hold on to him forever. It didn't matter. She couldn't move. She was paralyzed, barely able to breathe. She wanted to embrace Jared's vision of herself, but she couldn't block out Noah's venom-laden strictures. Hope collided with fear.

It all came to an end when Jared broke the kiss.

He jumped back with a look of shock and horror. “I shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry.”

She was terrified. Maybe Noah was right. “You didn't like it?” She shouldn't have asked that question, but she felt like her life hung in the balance.

Jared looked at her like she'd lost her mind. “Are you crazy? Of course I liked it. I meant it when I said I've wanted to kiss you for days. You're the most beautiful woman I've ever met. I've dreamed about holding you in my arms, kissing you, making love to you. What man wouldn't?”

That was more than Laurie was ready to absorb. It frightened her but excited her as well. Noah
wasn't
right. A handsome man, strong and independent, thought she was beautiful and wanted to make love to her. “Is a kiss that important?” She was still too confused to know what to say.

“How can you ask that?” He seemed genuinely shocked.

“Nobody has ever kissed me. Not like that. I didn't know how I was supposed to feel.”

She didn't know whether Jared thought she was trying to fool him or was simply lying. “Once I started to grow”—she couldn't think of a suitable word for what she wanted to say—“my father never let me go anywhere alone. My husband didn't even kiss me on our wedding day.” She wasn't trying to sound pathetic. She just wanted him to understand.

“You have no idea what a kiss should be like, what it can mean?” Jared asked.

She shook her head. She wanted him to show her, but she didn't have the courage to ask. He must have sensed her reluctance because he didn't wait for her.

“Then it's time you learned.”

Jared put his arms around her and drew her close. Lowering his head, he kissed her. Laurie was disappointed because he barely brushed her lips with his, using so little pressure she wasn't sure their lips had actually met. When he used the tip of his tongue to trace her lips, she realized he was beginning slowly. He kissed the side of her mouth and teased her by kissing the end of her nose, but he was going too slowly. She wanted to feel the impact of their kiss like a physical force. Instinctively, she leaned in to him.

The response was immediate. His arms tightened around her, drawing her hard against his chest. His lips abandoned all attempts at subtlety and captured her mouth with the impact of a lasso pulling a full-grown bull to its heels. She was sure her lips would be bruised, that her body would be broken from the force of his embrace, but she didn't care. For the first time in her life, she felt alive. Her body no longer felt dead. A wellspring of desire washed through her with the force of a springtime flood. Hot and flushed, weakness caused her legs to threaten to go out from under her, but she fought it off. Nothing was going to make her forego the wonderful pleasure of being held in a man's arms and kissed as though he thought she was the most desirable woman in the world.

The sound of his men riding into the ranch yard caused Jared to break the kiss, release her, and step back. He looked as though he didn't quite know what to say. Was it embarrassment? Regret?

“I'd like nothing better than to keep kissing you until you believed you were the most beautiful woman in the world, but it wouldn't do for the men to see me doing that.” He laughed without amusement. “They might think badly of you, and I couldn't endure that.”

Laurie was so beset by opposing emotions that she hardly knew what to say. “I'd better get back to the kitchen, or supper will be late.”

“And I'd better finish the potatoes.”

“I'll do that. You'll need to talk with the men about what they've been doing all day.” He had to leave. If he stayed in the kitchen, she'd never calm down enough to know what she was doing. Even now she was bombarded by so many emotions she felt dizzy.

“I promised six peeled potatoes, and that's what you'll get. Do you feel ready to go back to work?”

“This has been a shock, but I'll calm down sooner if I get back to work. I'll have plenty of time to think about it later.”

“If you want to learn more about kisses, I'll be happy to help.”

Considering the way he was looking at her, he probably had something more in mind than a kiss. Thinking about it caused her to go warm all over.

“If you don't stop saying things like that, I'll be so flustered the men will think something improper has been going on.”

“They might think it of me, but not of you.”

Maybe, but she didn't mean to take the risk. She gave herself a mental shake and pulled herself together. “Okay. Finish the potatoes, but after that you have to leave the kitchen. I'll never get supper on the table if you don't.”

***

The sun had disappeared over the horizon and a sharp wind had sprung up, but Laurie didn't feel it. Nor did she see the lengthening shadows cast by the cottonwoods that lined the bank of the Verde River. The sound of the horse's shod hooves on the rocky ground was muted and seemed far away. Her mind was too filled with the feel of Jared's kiss and his arms around her to have room for anything else.

She had barely had enough thoughts to spare to finish fixing supper without burning anything. She'd listened to the chatter of the men as though she was a disembodied presence. She had no idea if her responses made any sense. She was halfway home before she was aware they'd left the ranch.

She'd told herself over and over that Noah had lied to her, but she'd never been able to shake the fear that he was right. Surely Jared wouldn't have kissed her twice if he hadn't found her attractive. He had no reason to lie about his reasons. If he'd just wanted to comfort her, he could have done so without kissing her. All he had to do was ignore her until she pulled herself together.

But he had kissed her a second time and said he'd have liked to keep doing it. Surely he wouldn't have said that if he didn't mean it.

She couldn't yet embrace this new image of herself with complete confidence, but she desperately wanted to. It would change her whole outlook on life. For the first time in years, she could be happy about herself, could look forward to each day with eager anticipation rather than in fear. When she got back to town, she was going to withdraw all the money Norman had deposited in her account and spend every penny on new clothes. She was going to be proud of the way she looked, and she wanted everyone to know it. Norman would be furious, but she could count on Naomi and Sibyl to support her.

“I might as well have been talking to my horse for all the answering you've done,” Steve complained. “Are you mad at me?”

Laurie turned to look at the young man and saw in his face worry and maybe a little fear. “Of course not. What could you have done to make me angry?”

“Nothing, I hope, but you haven't done more than nod your head or mumble agreement since we left the ranch.”

“I've got a lot on my mind.”

“Is it about the Herefords?”

“No. I'm going to let Jared worry about them.”

“It can't be about your cooking. Everybody would starve if you left.”

She was almost able to envy Steve. He couldn't think of anything more serious to worry about than cows or his stomach. He probably didn't know what mental anguish was. Yet as soon as that thought crossed her mind, she knew she was being shortsighted and unfair. He'd lost his parents and his grandparents, and had been forced to leave his home. He probably knew more about true anguish than she did.

She put her arm around Steve's shoulder and gave him a hug. “No one could ever be upset or angry with a sweet boy like you. I've just been thinking about some things that have troubled me.”

“Just tell me who it is. If I can't get rid of them, Jared will.”

If only things could be that simple. “It's not anybody. I'm just trying to forget some ugly things that were said about me.”

“Who could say anything ugly about you? You're beautiful. You're perfect. Tell me who said that. Jared will make him wish he was dead.”

“He is dead.”

“Oh.” Steve thought a moment. “Was it your husband?”

“Yes.”

“Then he deserves to be dead.”

Laurie gave him another hug. “If you weren't so young, I'd marry you. You'd always make me feel beautiful.”

She immediately wished she hadn't said either of those things. She didn't want to put any foolish ideas in his head, and she didn't want him to think all she was concerned about was feeling beautiful. It's just that not feeling ugly was such a relief it was hard to think of anything else.

“Forget what I just said. It makes me sound like a silly and vain woman.”

“I'm not that young.” He sounded like his feelings were hurt.

“Maybe not, but I'm that old. And I'm a widow to boot.”

“Jared doesn't care that you're a widow, and I don't, either.”

“I'm glad. Now tell me what you're going to do on Sunday. You'll have a whole day without any work to do.”

“You mean I don't have to cut wood?”

“I forgot that. I meant work on the ranch. Do you want to go to church?”

“Do I have to?”

“No, but you might meet some very pretty young girls.”

“None of them will be as beautiful as you.”

It was quite possible she'd underestimated the strength of Steve's crush on her. She was certain it would burn itself out before long, but she had to be careful to do nothing to encourage it. Even if he hadn't been so young, she would have had absolutely no romantic interest in him. She couldn't say the same for his uncle.

***

Laurie had barely had time to get a pot of coffee on after coming home from church when she heard a ferocious knocking on the front door. She opened it to find Norman standing on her porch looking more infuriated than she'd ever seen him. He must have heard she was working at Jared's ranch. She hadn't told him because she hadn't wanted to endure a tirade, but she had known it was coming.

“Come in, Norman, before you explode and make a terrible mess on my front porch.”

“I'm in no mood for levity.”

“I can see that, but you don't look like you're in the mood for rational conversation, either. Sit down. Would you like some coffee?”

“I would if you have some.”

“I just put on a fresh pot. It won't take a minute.” She resisted the temptation to take longer than necessary. The sooner she got this conversation over with, the sooner Norman would leave her house. She handed a cup of coffee to Norman and took her seat. “I hope you've come to tell me you're increasing the money I have each month.” She knew he wasn't, but she wanted to remind him at every opportunity that he was keeping money that wasn't his.

Without giving his coffee time to cool, Norman took a big swallow and got burned. He shook his head, made a face, and rested his cup in his lap. She resisted the temptation to smile.

“I'm not here about your money because I see no reason to increase it. I am here because I overheard Mae Oliver and Elsa Drummond saying you'd helped Jared Smith buy supplies when he came into town yesterday. I told them they were mistaken. You would have no reason to help him or know what he needed.”

This was the perfect opportunity to get it all out at once. “I did more than help him choose his supplies. I made out the list.”

“That's ridiculous. You couldn't—”

“I knew what to put on the list because I'm cooking and cleaning for him.”

Norman started so badly he spilled his coffee. He managed to control his trembling hands long enough to set his cup down before his anger exploded. His color rose to an alarming shade of red. His hands shook so badly he had trouble wiping up the coffee with the cloth Laurie handed him. Once he regained his seat, he tried to speak, but he sputtered. The words finally shot from him like a small explosion. “Are you insane? Do you know what people will say when they find out?”

“They'll probably say you're so stingy with
my
money that I had to take a job so I could have food to eat and keep a roof over my head.”

If possible, Norman turned even redder. “I made a very careful study of your needs. You have more than enough money to support yourself, but that's not what I meant. You're out there with men you don't know and no woman to preserve your reputation.”

Laurie sat bolt upright in her chair and directed an indignant look at Norman. “Are you implying that I would do anything dishonorable?”

“Of course not,” he snapped, “but a woman is not always in control of herself. Surrounded by so many men, and far away from those who have her best interests at heart, she might be persuaded to do something she would never have done otherwise.”

“And just what would that be?” Laurie was too accustomed to Norman to spend time being truly angry with him. It would be a complete waste of energy.

“Men are prone to flatter single women, especially attractive women who have money.”

“I am single, though being a widow qualifies that somewhat. I never knew you thought I was attractive—your brother didn't—and you know better than anyone I don't have any money. You have it all.”

Norman's complexion assumed an alarming shade of purple. “I don't have your money, and I'll thank you not to go around saying that I do.”