To Light and Guard (17 page)

CHAPTER 36

                  “So, what else did you tell your family?” Dr. McKenna asked.

             
“Same thing I’m telling you now, except I skipped the part about Emma’s relationship with Joshua.  I just didn’t want to freak Emma out and make her a part of this crazy drama.”  Honestly, I didn’t want to ruin her well-balanced life - her normal life.   She is doing so well in school.  I already regretted telling Joshua that Emma was
his
Elizabeth. Hopefully, he wouldn’t do anything about it.

“
And they believed you?” Dr. McKenna asked incredulously.

             
“Surprisingly, they all did.  Even my dad - well, eventually,” I said.  “It made me realize that maybe I should have told them sooner.”  I rubbed the bandage on my left wrist.  “But maybe they believed me because of the scar.” 

             
I peeled the bandage off of my left wrist, and showed Dr. McKenna my scar.  Maybe this was all I needed to make her believe me, too.   “See,” I said, “it’s healed.  Adra cut me exactly five days ago, and I’m already healed.”  I shrugged. What was left was a pink puckered scar across my wrist. “I only keep it covered because people wonder, you know.  Someone might think that I tried to kill myself when I clearly didn’t.”  I placed the bandage back on my wrist.  Maybe I’ll get a wide bracelet to cover the scar.

I rubbed my forehead trying to see if I left anything out; I think that was it.  I said everything I had to say. 

“Well,” Dr. McKenna said, looking at the clock.  “I think our time is almost up. Paige, I am going to prescribe you something, and I want you to take it every day,” she said. She stood up and walked to the desk that was tucked away in the corner. She picked up a pad of prescription paper and started scribbling.  “You can get this medication at any pharmacy, even the pharmacy downstairs.  There’s also a pharmacy at the hospital building next door if the line is too long.”

My time was up. 
Yes, it was definitely up, and my family was waiting for me downstairs in the lobby.  I have to stop stalling. 

So
… back to my original question. 
Am I crazy?
  Well, I’m about to find out.  Here we go…

“Your daughter says hello,” I said.
  I watched Dr. McKenna’s face intently and noticed her every movement.  I saw the corner of her eyes crinkle a little bit when she smiled, and her whole face seemed to light up.  She was still holding the prescription paper in her hand.    

“Oh, which one?” she asked.
  I already knew she had three.

“The dead one,” I said.

Dr. McKenna
’s smile quickly faded, and her eyes turned cold.  She was silently screaming at me not to go there.  I immediately regretted my words, and I tried to backpedal and replace them with something better… kinder. 

“
She had dark green eyes just like yours,” I said, “and long, dark, curly hair… and a tattoo of a swan on one shoulder.  She’s the Librarian or ‘The Most Beautiful Spirit’ as she preferred to be called.”  To me, she was the dead girl.

I held my breath. 
I saw the pain cross Dr. McKenna’s features and her lips trembled. 
Believe me, I didn’t want to do this.
  I think it would have been better if I just sent her a letter, but before I could do that, I had to believe… in me – believe that I wasn’t crazy.

“She died from Leukemia. Her ex-boyfriend’s name is Matt Brooks.  He’s married now. 
For her last birthday, you gave her a necklace from Tiffany’s.  She has a stuffed toy, a panda, that always sits on her bed...”  I rattled on and on, saying everything I could remember from my conversation with the dead girl.  I sounded very desperate, almost pleading.  I need her to believe me.  "She loves coffee-flavored ice cream, and her favorite drink is the Caramel Frappucino from Starbucks.  She really misses her Frappucino.  They don't have Starbucks at the Library, and her favorite lipstick..."

"
Holly,” Dr. McKenna said, stopping my endless chatter. She was looking at me very strangely, and her eyes were filled with tears.  “Her name is Holly.”

I let out my breath slowly. 
The verdict just came in, and I finally have an answer to my question.
I am not crazy.
  Everything was real: my angel, my death, the Library.  This was the reason why I had to go find this particular psychiatrist in Los Angeles. It was for me… and for Holly.  I cannot forget about Holly.

“She never gave me her name,”
I said.  “Her name is Holly. That kind of makes sense. She told me that before she got her tattoo, she wanted a Holly, but she said she changed her mind and got a tattoo of a swan instead, in memory of her father.” 

Dr. McKenna
’s lips twitched.  “Yes, I know.”  She paused for a second.  As an afterthought, she said, “We had a pet swan when the kids were young.  That was when we lived by a lake and before we moved to Los Angeles.”

Yes
, I remember. ‘The Most Beautiful Spirit’, Holly, told me many stories about her pet swan, but now it was time to pass on a very important message to Dr. McKenna from her dead daughter.   

“
Holly made me promise to speak to you before she sent me back down here,” I said.  “She told me to tell you not to worry about her anymore.  She’s happy.  She’s where she wants to be.”

Dr. Mc
Kenna was still standing next to her desk.  She was frozen there holding her prescription paper in one hand.  A solitary tear slipped out of her eye and rolled down one cheek.  Dr. McKenna didn’t even notice, and she didn’t move to wipe the tear away.  

“And
she wrote a journal when she got sick,” I said.  “You were supposed to find it when she died, but you never did because you never cleared her room. You left it the way it is.  The journal is on the top dresser underneath her clothes.  She wrote it for you, and she wants you to read it.”

Dr. McKenna remained silent, and another tear slipped out.  She was trying to hold it together, and not break down in front of me.  She was looking at me with hope.  

“How is she?” she
finally asked.

“Doing well
.  I’m sure you’ll see her again.  When it’s time, she’ll be there to greet you. She’s the Librarian.  Maybe you can even choose another life together… well, someday.”  Holly was only one of many Librarians in the sky, but she was probably the only one that mattered to her mother. 

“Well, she did
always
love books,” Dr. McKenna said.

“And sh
e said she could speed read.  That’s probably helpful. There were lots of books over there.”

I sighed in relief
- sweet blessed relief. My message was delivered, and I’m not crazy.  
Thank you, Holly. 
I stood up. I picked up my army green messenger bag on the floor, placing it over one shoulder. 

I heard Dr. McKenna
tear off the prescription paper from the pad.  She crumpled it in one hand. When she didn’t say anything else, I turned around and walked towards the door.  Dr. McKenna’s voice stopped me.

“Did you ever ask Luke
questions about God?” she asked.

I
t was the type of question that Luke warned me about; it was a question that people will ask if they believed me – and my psychiatrist believed me.  I turned to face her, and the corners of my mouth lifted up into a tiny smile. 

“Yes,” I said.  “Of course.”  Luke and I had many conversations before he died. 

“What did Luke say…
about God?” She was just curious.  I’m not holding anything against her.  

“
He said that He’s like the sun after it sets.  Even if you can’t see the sun, you know that it’s still there.”  Those were Luke’s exact words.  I really couldn’t explain it better than that.  I shrugged.  “That’s all I know.  Luke wouldn’t say anything else.  He said it was supposed to be a mystery and that I’m not a prophet.  My life was supposed to be simple.  Ordinary.

Dr. McKenna
nodded.  “Thank you,” she said.

“You
’re welcome.”

And guess what?
I’m not crazy.

I walked out of
Dr. McKenna’s office with my head held a little bit higher. 

I am not crazy.

I was standing a little bit taller.

I am not crazy.

I finally know the truth. 

I…am… not… crazy…
and let me tell you a little bit of something about the truth.  It really does set you free. 

PART III:  LUKE

“I died?  But I’m supposed to be immortal. How did this happen to me?”

- Luke

CHAPTER 37

Luke

Six days ago at the Harper’s backyard

“
Luke, you have to leave the girl.  The demons are coming,” Joshua said.

“Mind your business,” I said.
I was irritated that I had to hear this again from him.  How many times did we have to go through this? Why wouldn’t he just leave me alone?  I wasn’t leaving Paige.  Not now.  Not ever. 

“Don’t you remember what
happened the last time?” Joshua asked.

That was my problem
, and I did remember what happened the last time.  How could I possibly forget what happened to Gwen? It’s why I’m here now - to protect her. 

“What you are asking me to do is impossible,” I said.

I heard the Harper’s garage door open, and Paige’s car
started. From the backyard, I took off in the air, leaving Joshua behind.  Fifty feet from the sky and flying right above the Harper’s house, I saw Paige’s car leave her driveway.  Paige and Emma were on their way to school, and I followed them.  I glanced over my shoulder and saw Micah, Emma’s Guardian, flying behind me.  Good.  At least, it wasn’t Joshua.  I had enough of him for one day.   

A
fter her first class, I walked beside Paige as she walked to her locker. Colin was already waiting for her - like always.  Only today, he seemed to be more aggravating to me.  

I
know I wasn’t being fair to Colin.  He was just responding normally to a very pretty girl, but I wasn’t myself today. I felt tense and angry, which was most likely caused by my conversation with Joshua just a few minutes ago.  Joshua wanted me to leave Paige.  I cannot even imagine doing that.  Besides, if I leave her, boys like Colin would replace me in her heart.  That is unacceptable; the thought of it was simply repulsive.

“Hey Harper,”
Colin said.  He had a dumb smile on his face as Paige approached him.  Colin tucked his books and a brown paper bag under one arm, and he started fiddling with Paige’s locker, opening it for her before she even got there. 
Like I said, he was aggravating.

“
Aren’t you worried that he will steal your possessions when you’re not looking? Why does he know your locker combination, anyway?” I asked. I couldn’t keep the bitterness from my voice.

Paige shrugged.
  That was always her response to me when we are in public. I don’t blame her.  Nobody else can see me, and Paige had a problem with people thinking that she is crazy. She wasn’t.  I’ve told her this many, many times.

Colin
handed her two books, and Paige placed it inside her messenger bag.  They started walking down the hallway together, and I trailed five steps behind them, clenching and unclenching my hands in anger.  From under his arm with his books, Colin pulled out the brown paper bag, and handed it to Paige.  “My sister made some doggie biscuits for Buffy,” Colin said. 

With a
big smile, Paige took the bag, “Oh, that is
so
nice of her.  Please tell her thank you,” she said.

I almost ground my teeth to dust.  Th
at little twit was trying to get to her through her dog. 
It was such a stupid ploy… from a stupid boy. 
My hands clenched again.

“
My sister makes those all of the time.  Our dog loves them,” Colin added.

“Oh, don’t worry,
” Paige said, “Buffy eats everything.”

“
The biscuits could be poisoned. Throw the bag back in his face, Har-per,” I said, mimicking Colin. Still walking behind her, I saw Paige shake her head slightly, communicating with me in her own silent way. Then, she quickly glanced behind her shoulder, looking at me with a frown.  She was reminding me who was the adult in our relationship, and today, it wasn’t me.

When Paige and
Colin parted in the hallway, I did something I don’t normally do.  I followed Colin, walking two steps behind him.  There were other angels around - walking, sitting on the benches, leaning against the wall.  They were doing what they were supposed to do – guarding the students who go to this school. Lately, I’ve been ignoring all of them because they are all just like Joshua.  They believe that I should leave Paige alone.  I didn't need to be lectured again today.

I
continued walking behind Colin, trying to control my anger.  I had to remind myself that I was still a Guardian.  If I looked at things objectively, I knew I wasn’t really mad at Colin.  I was mad at what he represented:  someone who can be with Paige, someone who can build a human life with her, someone who can give her a family. Without thinking, I instinctively stretched out my right hand and gently pushed him.  Colin flew forward five feet and he hit the ground, his books scattering.   I snorted.  It wasn’t my fault, he was so weak.

I turned around, and the wind
was suddenly knocked out of me when someone threw me back.  My back hit the floor, and a body landed on me. The petite, dark-skinned angel quickly pulled herself up.  She stood up, and then she slammed her foot on my chest.   It was Abagail, Colin’s Guardian.

I could have twisted her leg
and snapped it in two, but I stayed on the ground. It was my fault this was happening. 

“You a
re quick,” I said. “I didn’t even see you coming.”

“Well, you are
stupid!” she hissed, looking down at me with disgust.  “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”  Abagail was shrieking, which was a clear indication of her anger.

I
almost flinched.  “I don’t know,” I said honestly.  Behind me, I heard Colin getting up, dusting himself off.  Someone handed him his books, and he walked away.  He was probably wondering how he managed to fall.  I didn’t care.  He was annoying.  Paige deserved better friends.

T
wo male angels flanked Abagail on each side, and they looked at me with caution.  I know these two.  They fought by my side many, many years ago.  Today, they were on Abagail’s side, and they weren’t there because they were
her
friends.  They were there because she was right.  I wasn’t supposed to hurt humans.  Unfortunately, Colin falls in that category.

The
students, who were unaware of our existence, were all around us; they were walking through us, passing us without a thought.  Abagail continued to glare at me.  She took her foot off of my chest slowly.  There was such anger in her eyes, and she was breathing heavily.

“Your
Colin…. he is irksome,” I said as I got up.  “I wonder how you tolerate him.”  She should punch me in the face.  I deserved it, and I was in
that
kind of mood. 

“Stay away
from him,” Abagail said.  She was doing everything in her power not to jump on me again.  What I did was wrong, and I couldn’t blame her for her anger. I would have done something worse if an angel did something similar to
my
Paige.  

I
turned around and walked away.  “Hey Luke,” she called out.  “You’re wings are turning black.”

I ignored her.  There was no need for a response.  I
knew my wings were still white.  I do feel myself changing, though.

“You need to leave her, Luke,” Abagail
added.  It was the same thing Joshua just said to me this morning, and it did not improve my disposition.

Angels and demons
…  All of them believe that I should leave Paige.

What if they were right?  What if I had to leave her?

Suddenly, I felt a throbbing in my head. It was a very strange sensation – something I’ve never experienced before.  I already knew that I was mere steps away from turning into a demon.  There was such anger in my heart; it was an anger that came with the understanding that I am not what Paige needs in her short human life. I should give her a chance to be who she was meant to be.  I should let her experience life without me.  

Maybe I should leave her
.

The throbbing in my head became so painful that I had to stop walking and force myself to heal.
I clutched my head with both hands, and I took several even breaths. 

Leave
her.

My head
suddenly felt as if it might explode. It was as if someone rammed a dagger through my skull.  

Leave her?

I think I would rather die.