To Honor and To Protect (17 page)

“I’m too edgy,” she said suddenly. “Why don’t you rest and I’ll keep watch?”

“Why don’t you watch the water and I’ll watch the trees?”

It felt like a manageable truce as they rested back-to-back. He was so solid, so confident, she felt a flutter of hope that he could get them out of this. He might call himself broken, but he sure didn’t sound, feel or behave that way to her.

“Have I said thank you?” She couldn’t recall precisely, but she didn’t want him thinking she took any of his help for granted.

“Yes.”

The swamp, unable to be truly silent, murmured around them for long minutes.

“Have I?”

She felt his words where their backs touched as much as she heard them. “Have you what?”

He reached back and, finding her hand, gave her a warm squeeze. “Said thank you?”

Chapter Thirteen

Her mouth dry, she could barely articulate a response. “For what?”

“For our son. He’s—” Drew coughed “—he’s amazing.”

“He wants to be Captain America,” she said, feeling her lips curve into a smile.

“There are easier careers than being a soldier.”

“Life tosses crap at everyone, Drew.”

“I know.”

At her back she felt his shoulders rise and fall. He knew all the pitfalls and heartbreaks she’d faced before they’d met and fallen in love. The reverse was also true. She knew how his inherent need to serve and his sense of duty and honor had led to his army career. Those very qualities had drawn her to him like moth to flame and kept her heart tied up even when she hadn’t realized it.

If Craig had his way, Addison might not have another chance to share Andy’s early life with Drew. And if she ever convinced him to take Andy to safety, he needed to know so he could better connect with their son. Not that she had any doubts about his ability on that score, just so she’d feel no regret if the worst happened. She trembled at the thought.

“Are you cold?”

“No.” How could she be with him at her back? “It’s summer.”

“Come here.” He shifted around, moving almost silently, until his back rested against a tree. Holding her hand, he pulled her next to him.

“What about keeping watch?”

“You can still see the water, right?”

“Right.” She felt the grin spread across her face. So little had changed about him.

“I’m so sorry I missed our wedding.”

His statement hit her like a sucker punch. It was the last thing she wanted to talk about.

“Me, too.” Last night, when she’d told him she knew the stages of grief, she hadn’t been exaggerating. Like him, she’d gone through each stage multiple times. The first time it was a mild thing, irritation mostly that the army had called her groom away. But when Drew’s dad appeared at her door, holding out those dog tags... It clawed at her still, that dreadful feeling of being scraped raw.

Then denial, clinging to the strange mythical “sense” women often claimed that warned them of some terrible fate befalling a spouse or child. “Talk about denial,” she said. “I extended the reservation at the hotel for a week, sure that you’d be right back.”

He lifted her hands to his lips, kissing her knuckles. “I was sure of that, too.”

“I believe you.” She could almost hear the mortar crumbling as the wall she’d built up around her heart weakened more under his gentle assault. “I finally went back to the apartment and wandered through the local job offers.”

“Anything exciting?”

“For the two of us starting out, sure.”

“But?”

“When your dad came to the door and gave me the news...” Her voice trailed off as tears filled her eyes. She blinked them away, determined to hold up her side of the watch-keeping. “I had to get away from the things we’d planned.”

“Of course you did.”

His easy acceptance and understanding made her feel guilty all over again. “I moved to San Francisco during the second trimester.”

“What were you thinking? You’re a Southern girl.”

She heard the humor in his voice and she chuckled. “I was thinking about schools, hospitals and providing for our son.”

“You did good, baby.” He wrapped an arm around her shoulders, pulled her in closer still.

She laid her hand on his thigh, slipping so easily into their old, tender habits. “Being pregnant got me through those early days.” And her first round of real grief. Or was that the second? Both? Either way, while he’d been fighting to stay alive, she’d had something to live for. Their baby had become the sole purpose of taking the next breath, the next step forward while she waited for the pain of losing him to fade. Still, she’d gone through those stupid five phases again, twisted up with the typical hormonal and emotional turmoil after Andy’s birth.

“When did you find out it was a boy?”

“On my first doctor’s visit in the new city. I cried so hard and started calling him Andy immediately.”

“You know I’d do anything to go back and change what happened. To be there for you through all that.”

“I know.” Addison sighed and pushed at her hair. “I believed it back then, when I thought you’d come back. And I believed you were an angel watching over us when they told me you’d died.”

“And now?”

“I believe you want to be part of his life.”

“Addi...”

She waited, but he didn’t say anything more. “It’s done, Drew,” she said, hoping to bridge the gap at last. “Trust me, I never felt abandoned.” God-awful lonely. Furious that life would demand so much. Often weary, shouldering the burden on her own, but never abandoned.

“How can you say that? I left you at the altar.”

She felt her lips twitch. “You know very well I never actually got that far.”

“Why didn’t you use my last name for Andy? And you could’ve gone to the JAG office for support.”

She’d thought about turning to the army’s legal branch, especially for the benefits that could’ve been arranged for Drew’s son. But after hearing Drew had died on a mission, she needed space from the military. She’d been fortunate enough at the time to find work that made that option possible. “He’s Andrew Bryant Collins,” she explained. “I wanted to honor you, for the sake of all three of us, but different last names as he went through school felt like more of a challenge than I wanted to tackle at the time.”

“Fair enough.” His chest rose and fell on a heavy sigh. “I look at him and think about all the things I’ve missed.” He toyed with her hand. “Just when I get mad about being cheated, I feel guilty that you’ve had to do it all alone. I don’t want you to be a single parent anymore.”

Was he saying he wanted to be part of their future? Andy was nearly eight, but there were plenty of milestones left. At thirty-five, she still had time to expand their family with a brother or sister for Andy. It was all too easy to picture a quick, quiet wedding followed by the rest of their lives together. As a family.

The world didn’t toss out second chances like this all the time. A silly, sweet proposal was dancing on the tip of her tongue, an echo of how he’d once proposed to her. The timing would be terrible or perfect, depending on his view of their circumstances. She just had to muster up the courage to ask him.

“Good Lord, Addi. Will you ever forgive me?”

She already had. “You couldn’t prevent what happened that day and it seems like you’re determined to make up for lost time now.” She realized she was well on her way to forgiving him for hiding since his return, as well. “Following me through the bayous is above and beyond the call of duty for a former groom.”

“Stop saying things like that,” he grumbled. “It was supposed to be a few days. Two weeks, tops. Not the better part of eight years.”

“And you should stop those kinds of comments.” Six years of torture, deprivation and abuse while she’d had six years of first-world comforts, decent therapists and the company of their delightful son. Nothing could ever make that even out. “We both need to let go.”

“Yeah.” He rolled his shoulders as if he could shrug away the burdens she knew they were both carrying. “Do you have any pictures? From the wedding day,” he added.

“Only a few of the setup, getting dressed, that kind of thing.” Those snapshots were in the safe-deposit box, where she’d stowed them the following year, unable to look at them anymore. “Why?”

“I’d like to know if I was right.”

“About what?”

“Thinking of you in your wedding dress walking down the aisle toward me kept me going. When I dreamed, it was of you. Any star in the sky got hit with my wish to see you again.”

She swallowed and blinked away the sudden surge of tears.

“There were a few variations, but one dress was the default, I guess you’d call it,” he said on a weary chuckle. “I said my vows countless times a day, determined to live long enough to say them to you.”

He’d told her he’d imagined their day, but to this level of detail? It shouldn’t be shocking because she’d felt much the same, but it was. Or maybe that was the chemistry zipping through her bloodstream making her feel so attuned to him. “What kind of dress did you imagine?”

“Strapless,” he rumbled in a sexy growl. “White and strapless. You wore pearls.”

She nodded. They’d discussed that once. She wanted to wear her mother’s pearls when she married him. It had never occurred to her to wear those pearls to marry Craig.

“There was lace at the top,” he continued. “Snug at the waist. I could feel the lace under my hands when I pulled you close for our first kiss as husband and wife.”

Goodness. She wasn’t sure she could remember how to breathe.

“The bottom skirt swept out and away in a short train, I guess you call it.”

He had been pretty close to what she’d chosen. If she ever had a chance to marry this man, she promised herself that was the dress he would see.

“Am I close?”

“It sounds lovely.”

“But am I close?”

“There was lace,” she admitted. She was torn between affirming his fantasy and maintaining the element of surprise. Just in case. “When I get back to the city I’ll show you the pictures.”

“Okay.”

He didn’t sound too happy about the idea and she wondered which part turned him off. As she understood it, when he’d come home he’d basically hidden himself away. Maybe the old memories and obvious mutual attraction weren’t enough to start over with. He wanted to be part of Andy’s life, but maybe she’d changed too much. Maybe she couldn’t live up to his memory of his Southern girl. “I heard you tell Andy you’d been to San Francisco once.”

She felt the tension ripple through him. “Uh-huh.”

“After, um, you got back.”

“Yeah.”

Would she have to pull out the story word by word? “When?”

“About ten months ago.”

That would’ve been shortly after she’d accepted Craig’s proposal. “Did you do any sightseeing?” she prompted when he didn’t volunteer anything more.

“Like Fisherman’s Wharf?” He fidgeted beside her. “No. I saw you with another man and a little boy. You were playing in a park near your condo. I watched for a little while.”

Why hadn’t she noticed him? She thought back, unable to pinpoint any day that stood out. Trips to the park happened too frequently. “Why didn’t you say anything?” she demanded, anger spiking even though it was far too late.

“I couldn’t.” His voice cracked. “It was obvious you had a family, that you’d moved on. You were happy.” He squeezed her hand. “I went back to the airport and waited for the next flight to Detroit.”

Had she been happy? Happy enough, she supposed, with her healthy son, an excellent job and a considerate man who wanted to be her husband.

If Drew had walked up to them that day, what would she have done?

“I had to leave,” he said. “No other choice.”

“I disagree.”

“You’re allowed to do so.”

She didn’t appreciate the cold finality of that statement. “I had every right to know you were back. Alive.”

“Did you? What would that have gained?”

“It would’ve gained you a son!”

“I didn’t know that,” he shot back.

Biting her lip, she held back the torrent of useless accusations and predictions. He’d come out, seen her happy and left. She tried to see it from his point of view, but she was too wrapped up in the pain as she imagined him walking away.

“You were
happy
,” he repeated. “I couldn’t mess that up. Sure, I’d wanted you to be happy with me, but I refused to be responsible for causing you trouble or making you miserable.”

The pain in his voice was unbearable. “But walking away caused you pain.”

“Not as much as you think.”

“What?”

He sighed in the dark. “Seeing you happy and knowing one of us had found a good life helped me heal. It gave me hope and courage to make a life for myself.”

“Oh.” She had to wait for her heart to catch up with his words. “I wish you’d said something.” When she thought of what he and Andy had missed—what she had missed—her heart broke all over again. For days lost and time wasted. If she’d gone to the JAG office with news of her pregnancy, would they have told her when he’d returned? She could wish and hope they might have at least told him he had a son.

“I understand, truly I do.” Though she didn’t believe she had enough courage and integrity to have done the same if the roles had been reversed. Guilt and tenderness and more love than she could hold rolled through her in waves. She turned away from the water, trying to make out his features in the weak moonlight. For too short a time this remarkable, heroic man had been hers. Always thinking of others first. Honorable. Strong. It was no wonder she’d never let another man close to her heart. Who could’ve measured up? She’d put him on a pedestal—for herself and Andy—but she’d known even from day one that he wasn’t perfect.

Just perfect for her.

She rose onto her knees and gifted him with a kiss. It was a poor reward for his remarkable courage, yet she put all her heart into it.

The moment spun out, the sweet contact quickly transforming into something hotter and deeper, stripping away the world until it was only the two of them. God, she’d missed this mesmerizing pull that made her feel weak and strong at the same time. Memories of this kind of passion had haunted her since she’d walked away from the church, alone and pregnant.