To Forgive & Hold Safe (The Broken Men Chronicles Book 4) (16 page)

I woke refreshed and ready to take the day by its proverbial balls.

The smell in the air told me that if I turned to my side, I would find the bed beside me empty.  Whatever it was Hannah was concocting in that kitchen of hers, it smelled amazing.

I got up, put my pants on, and headed downstairs.

Pausing on the bottom step, my ears picked up on Hannah’s singing.  She might not have been up to par with Nicole where talent was concerned, but she had a beautiful voice.

My feet began to lead me in the kitchen’s direction, curious about what Hannah looked like when she sounded so fancy free.

The instant I caught sight of her, my smile turned into a grin.  Before me was a beautiful woman who simply felt like stealing a moment of normalcy – of peace – before what I knew would be a day of pure hell.  She was relaxed, enjoying herself, and completely comfortable.  In her element.

When the song ended and the next one came on with more of an upbeat feel to it, Hannah’s hips began to sway to the tune as she continued to stir the contents of the bowl in her arms.

I took in the short shorts, the wool socks on her feet and the overstretched t-shirt that fell to the side, exposing a shoulder.  She reminded me of some hot co-ed that I’d had the pleasure of spending the night with, only better, because she was all mine.

Checking the oven for whatever it was she was baking, Hannah dipped her finger in the bowl and turned to see me staring at her with her pinky sticking out of her mouth.

She smiled shyly around the digit.

“By all means continue.” I laughed. “I’m enjoying the show.”

“Good morning,” she said as I dropped a kiss on her forehead.

“Good morning indeed.” I looked at the counters and the small roll-away tabletop that surrounded us.  “What’s all this?”

“Inspiration at its best!”  She smiled brightly at me.  “Here, taste.”

Before I knew it, I had the tip of her finger at my lips, leaving a blob of batter on my bottom one before she stuck her finger in her mouth to lick the residue off.  I instinctively licked whatever it was off of my lip, and the pop of flavor that hit my taste-buds made me want to steal that bowl away from her, hide in some dark corner, and devour it like some starving child.

“What the hell is that, and how the hell do I get more of it?” I asked.

“It’s a loaf.”

My stomach rumbled, making her laugh.  “I hope it’s breakfast, or part of it, at least.”

“That was the plan.”  She turned and began to pour the contents into a bread pan.

I walked to stand behind her, wrapping my arms around her torso, pressing my lips to her cheek.  “Do you often do this, bake without a set knowledge of the final outcome?”

“It’s the best part about it.” She turned her head to the side and pecked my chin.  “If you’re asking if I play mad scientist in my kitchen constantly…” Once empty, she put the bowl down and turned to face me.  “I haven’t done anything like this in nearly a year.”  Her face took a somber look.  “I haven’t had a lick of inspiration in so long that when it hit the other day, I didn’t know what to do with it, so I decided to dabble around this morning while you slept in.”

I smiled down at her.  “Wherever the inspiration came from, I can’t wait to see more of it.”

Hannah didn’t move as I made my way for the pot of coffee.  She stood beside me, a hip leaning against the counter and set her mug beside mine.  “It came from you.”  She turned from me after she’d grabbed her mug and went back to her creation, hiding behind the steam of her coffee.  “At least, I’m pretty sure that’s where it’s from.”

My heart leapt and began to beat at a staccato pace. 
Me?

I wasn’t going to dismiss her statement like she had.  Maybe Hannah saw more good in me than I had ever been able to see in myself.  I knew there were far worse men than me in the world, but to be responsible for someone’s inspiration… that was…what was the word?  Deep? Heavy?  Yeah.  Heavy.

I took a sip of the fragrant coffee and my eyes widened.  “How is it that coffee is always better when you make it?”

She turned to face me and smiled.  “It’s a secret.”

“I like it.  It seems to always go with what I’m eating.”

“I’m good like that.”  She smirked.

I set my cup down and grabbed her hand to pull her toward me.  “Yes.” I cupped her cheek with my hand. “You are.  But I have to ask…”  I dropped my hand so I could circle my arms around her.

“Ask what?”

Giving her my most angelic grin, I said, “When are we eating?”

Hannah gasped, then delivered a playful slap to my chest.  “Be careful mister, you might have to make your bacon and eggs yourself if you keep pushing.”

“Bacon and eggs?  But I thought we were having that.”  I nodded toward the oven.

“That’s for after.”  She pecked my lips.  “Now let me go so I can make you a proper breakfast.”

Much to my reluctance, I dropped my arms from her. “Can I help?” Hannah turned with a look of shock strewn across her face.  It made me chuckle.  “What?”

“You want to help?”

“You’re surprised?”  I took the carton of eggs from her.

“Well, yeah.  It’s just-” Her mouth snapped shut.

“Tell me.” I took the eggs we’d need and set them on the counter before handing Hannah the carton back.

“I’ve always been the one to make everything.”  Her voice was soft, almost inaudible.  “I’m not used to having someone in the kitchen cooking with me, unless it’s Mom or Dad, or the workers at the shop.”

“Get used to it, sweetheart, because I plan on being around, and that includes helping my woman in the kitchen.”

The grin she sported told me she approved my statement.  “Is there anything you don’t do?” she asked.

“Stick around long enough and you’ll find out.  How did you want your eggs?”

The wrought iron fencing and its arched gateway were all too familiar as we arrived at the cemetery for Lee’s memorial.

We waited in the car until we caught sight of Anne and Adam before making a move to exit the car.

“Hannah?” I put a hand on her knee.  “It’s time, sweetheart.”

She nodded. With a deep breath she composed herself into the strong woman I knew she was, and opened her car door.  I breathed in a deep one myself and got out to stand at her side.  Today was about Hannah putting her past to rest, not about me or my ghosts.  And so I ignored the plots that loomed a mere ten rows away from where we were headed.

I greeted Anne with a hug and shook Adam’s hand, keeping words to a minimum.

Hannah walked between her parents, as I followed a step behind them, making our way toward the small crowd of people surrounding a coffin and preacher.

The sight was all too reminiscent of three years past.  My heartstrings tugged tight. 
Keep it together, she needs you.

The pastor’s words were interrupted by a gasp from a woman that stood between an older gentleman and who I knew to be Lee’s brother.

“What the hell are you doing here?” she asked, effectively putting an end to a dead man’s tribute.  “You’re not welcome here.”

“Mom,” Luke said.

“Did you…?” She turned to her son.  “How could you?”

“We have every right to be here, Lois,” Adam spoke up.  “Lee was a son to us too.  It’s only fair for us to pay our respects.”

The woman snorted in disgust.  “I don’t care about you two.  It’s her I want gone.”

Everyone’s gaze shifted to Hannah who looked as if she were ready to bolt.

I moved from behind Anne and grabbed her hand, shocking her back to reality.  “You can do this,” I whispered in her ear.

Anne moved so I could stand at her daughter’s side.  Hannah’s grip on my hand first tightened, then she let go.  “I’m not going anywhere.  For ten years I’ve let you dictate what went on in Lee’s and my life.  I’m done, Lois.  Lee is…
was
my husband, and by that fact alone, I’ve earned my place,
my
right to be here.”

Lois snorted.  “Some job you did caring for him.”

“Do you really want to do this in front of these people?” she asked.

“They deserve to know the person that’s driven him to ruin his life.” Lee’s mother’s tone was venomous.  “The one that killed him.”

There were hushed murmurs in the crowd, but most had held their silence.

Hannah took a few steps toward her husband’s mother.  “Lee was an alcoholic long before I met him, Lois.  You can’t blame me for that.”

Not able to trust that Lee’s mother wouldn’t try anything physical, I remained close at Hannah’s back.  My girlfriend’s fortitude had me bursting with pride.

Hannah paused with a gasp when Lee’s coffin came into full view.  After clearing her throat, I watched as she lifted her head with more confidence.  “I’ve done all I could have done for that man.  Your son sure as hell wasn’t without his faults, but I loved him.  And that love wasn’t enough to keep him from giving into his demons.

“You say I never did anything to make him stop, but neither did any of you.  I’m not solely at fault here.  He chose to drink.  He chose to ruin his life.  He chose to push me away.  I was nothing to you people, and it became apparent that I meant very little to him as well, if he was willing to sacrifice us for the bottle.”  Hannah’s tone had grown bitter.

“That night…” She sniffled.  “I was pregnant.” Cue the crowd’s murmurs and gasps.  “Lee wasn’t the only one that died, Lois.  Our baby died with him too, and so did a part of me.”  Hannah’s voice faltered with an abundance of emotion.

Except for Lois, her husband’s and Luke’s faces had softened at Hannah’s declaration.

“You left him and you were pregnant?”  Incredulity laced the woman’s tone.

The lack of reaction from Hannah’s parents confirmed that she had confided the truth about her relationship with Lee.

“I left him because I had to.  We were trying to work things out.  That’s why we were out that night.  You want to know what he said when I told him we were having a baby?” Hannah didn’t wait for a response.  “He told me that he didn’t want our son or daughter, that I should just, and I quote ‘get rid of it’.  All that after my promising him that I would be there for him when he chose to get help.  He didn’t want to stop drinking.  He didn’t think it was a problem.  He told me so, that night.  My decision to make our separation permanent was made the night of the accident,
not
before that.  I suggest that when you start pointing fingers, you get your facts straight.  I was loyal to Lee to the very end.”  I knew that she was eyeing Lee’s brother with that statement.  “Lee’s drinking killed us all that night.  It was
him
who caused me to lose control!  It was
him
who rejected me, who refused our child!  It wasn’t me.  It’s not my fault!”

Hannah’s body began to shake violently and I rushed to her side, wrapping an arm around her waist for added support.

“How dare you!” Lois said, but when her husband let her go, Lee’s brother jumped in to stop his mother.

“Mom, she’s right.” Luke met my gaze, and gave me a curt nod.  “I saw the police report.  What she’s saying is true.”

“No!” She turned to face her son, collapsing into his chest, tiny balled fists hitting him between sobs.  “No, no, no!”

“Lee was a kind man when he wanted to be, Lois.” Hannah’s voice was soft.  “There’s a reason why I loved him, why I stuck by him all these years. Out of the bad, I saw the good.  I believed in him, in
us
.  I couldn’t help him unless he was willing to ask for it.  I’m not sorry for what I’ve just said.  And I’m not sorry for being here either.  I have just as much of a right to say goodbye.  What I am sorry about is that it all had to come out in front of all of these people; that I hadn’t, up until now, stood up to your incessant bullying and your constant judging.”

“Please go,” Lee’s father finally spoke.

Hannah walked forward, grabbed a handful of dirt and deposited it on top of her husband’s coffin.  “I hope you’re finally at peace.” Her hand paused on top of the dark oak finish.  “Goodbye.”

She took a look at Lee’s closest relatives, bowed her head in a sign of respect, turned around, and when she looked up at me, I could see that she was holding on to the last bit of strength she could muster.  The woman was pale and shaking.  Her knees made to buckle after two more steps.

To hell with propriety! I picked Hannah up bridal style and walked us away from the gathering, while she clung to me.  The further we got, the louder her sobs grew and her shaking intensified.

“I’m here,” I cooed into her hair, taking a seat on one of the visitors’ benches.  “You did great.  You’re so strong, sweetheart.  I’m so proud of you.”  Was there really anything I could say that would soothe her, though?

Hannah wanted a moment with her parents, so I walked off to give them their privacy.  Anne and Adam both looked thankful, not to mention relieved, that their daughter was reaching out to them.

Instead of heading to my car, my feet carried me toward a spot that held so much grief for me – one I hadn’t visited in over a week.

My fingers only ran over one name when I’d reached the double headstones.  Karen’s.

“Hey, baby girl.” I cleared my throat. “I’m so sorry.”  I fought the tremors of sobs that wanted to burst, but it was a losing battle.  I broke down.

“How could you!  Dammit, Candace! I’m so angry with you.  I’m not one to use the word hate, but I think I hate you just a little right now.” I wiped at one wet cheek with the back of my hand.  “I loved you…so much.  And Karen.  Fuck! She’s not even mine,” I whispered the last bit.  “I can’t keep doing this anymore.  Coming back to see two people that never belonged to me in the first place. I can’t do it.  I can’t be miserable for the rest of my life, so girls, this is my last visit.”

I couldn’t bring myself to leave just yet, so I sat on the grass and listened to the stillness of the day.

Hannah’s hand landed on my shoulder.  “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah.” I wiped the last few stray tears with the back of my hand before getting up and grabbing her hand.

Hannah turned to face the headstones.  She crouched down, running her fingers over the names briefly, then looked over her shoulder at me.  “Do you mind if I say something?”

“Go ahead.”

“I’m sorry that you’re both gone,” she started.  “Karen, I’m sure you would have given your Daddy a run for his money.  He loves you so much, and you would have made him a very great Daddy too.”  She paused to wipe at her cheeks, her shoulders straightening as she took a deep breath and continued.  “Candace, I feel I owe you a world of thanks for being so blind to the greatness that was in front of you all this time.  I promise to take care of him.  Thank you for letting go of your love so I could give him mine.”

Stunned at her words, I couldn’t move.  I couldn’t speak.

Hannah stood from her haunches and faced me.  My eyes met hers when her hand cupped my cheek.  “Ready to go?” she asked as if her words hadn’t just tilted my world on its axis.

My smile was strained. “Y-yeah.” Taking one last look at my past in the form of a double plot, I uttered that final word. “Goodbye.”